The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[Tweak0605]

I completely agree Buddysmum89, about people that keep bringing it up about why you didn't keep up with BFing. Why does it matter?? As long as baby is getting fed and is loved and healthy, that's all people should care about. People are always so high and mighty about BFing that they forget about what's most important. The baby being happy and loved.

Janers, I get that from my MIL. She asked me if I just put my baby to the breast and wait for her to latch on. Oh yeah, that'll work. I have my (then) 2 week old baby crying and I'm crying cause I'm frustrated. Yep, but she'll eventually latch.

 

[Twinkie210]

Tweak- I am glad that you posted here, because I often felt like I didn't belong in any group either, since I was EPing. To me even though we are pumping and giving our LOs BM, we still are grieving the loss of the BF relationship that we invisioned having!

 

[Tweak0605]

Thanks Twinkie. I still feel bad posting on here, since I am still giving A a majority of breastmilk. But I know if I went to the BF forum, I'd get shit since I give her formula every day. I still get upset sometimes when I see friends or other people nursing. Still makes me feel bad that I couldn't do it.

And if I didn't work full-time, there'd be no way I could keep up with pumping. It's so hard balancing it with taking care of her, that I'd totally quit. I realize that when I work from home on Wednesday and I have to manage it.

 

[Twinkie210]

Thanks Twinkie. I still feel bad posting on here, since I am still giving A a majority of breastmilk. But I know if I went to the BF forum, I'd get shit since I give her formula every day. I still get upset sometimes when I see friends or other people nursing. Still makes me feel bad that I couldn't do it.

And if I didn't work full-time, there'd be no way I could keep up with pumping. It's so hard balancing it with taking care of her, that I'd totally quit. I realize that when I work from home on Wednesday and I have to manage it.

Have you posted on the sticky for EPing in the Breastfeeding section? I post there occasionally too. Many of those women have great tips for EPing

I agree with you, it is much easier to pump when I am at work, but I still end up giving DS formula occasionally.

 

[Tweak0605]

Gonna post there now, thanks!!

I could probably go exclusive BM, but I pump just enough for what she eats, sometimes an oz or 2 less. So, I give her 1 bottle of formula at night before bed. Helps me stress less about if I'm keeping up with her or not.

 

[socitycourty]

i do think that BF is pushed wayyy too much. If you are quitting for any reason people keep telling you to do this ridiculous things in order to keep going. the BF at all costs mentality is very bad for women especially those who are already vulnerable to depression, after just having a baby, especially a FTM. it's just too much

 

[Twinkie210]

I was lucky that with my first son, no one really questioned my choice to FF. But with this one, it seemed like everyone around me was BFing and made it seem so easy. I felt like there was something wrong with me because it didn't work out for me. My Dr. and the babies Dr were not pushy at all, but the nurses at the hospital were! Instead of supporting me when I was having problems, I felt like they were scolding me. Even our LC's were not helpful Maybe I just had bad nurses, idk.

 

[Buddysmum89]

Thank god for this thread!, im so glad im surrounded by like minded people that are sick of it being rubbed in their face or being looked down on because they couldn't feed their baby by breast!..Believe me i tried every trick in the book too, my body just had other ideas!

So thank you for letting me get rid of some of my bitterness without thinking me mad x

 

[Tweak0605]

Twinkie - the nurses at my hospital were actually really good. I loved them all. The lactation consultants? Well, that's another story. They were maybe in my room for 10 minutes tops. I saw 3 different ones, and I actually got different information from each one of them. Each one told me something different, to help. Or that I had the wrong nipple shield. When I went back for my 1st visit after being discharged, the LC was actually good. She was understanding, and told me to pump and then feed her since she was getting more then 0.5 oz at the time. She didn't make me feel horrible. But the 2nd one I saw, UGH! She was so condescending with her tone. I had to supplement with formula, since she wasn't getting enough, and she made me feel HORRIBLE for doing that. I couldn't stand her!

Buddy - let it all out!! I'm sick of everyone shoving BFing in my face too.

 

[Twinkie210]

I had one nurse that was really nice, I wish I could remember her name. I had another that at the time felt really mean (I am sure my hormones didn't help). I had a c-section and had a catheter until the next morning so I couldn't get out of bed that first day. The next morning they had to slowly get up and walk. Well since they didn't take my catheter out until late morning, I never showered that day. My night nurse (the mean one) came in and yelled at me for not showering! I told her I planned on showering the next morning and she told me I needed to shower everyday. Then she yelled at me because I hadn't been up walking around the recovery wing. I had walked around my room and was moving around fine- infact everyone that came to see me couldn't believe how well I was doing after my surgery. I just felt like the last thing I needed was someone nagging me! I was so stressed and cried in front of nearly every healthcare professional that came in my room I really felt like I was nuts!

 

[Buddysmum89]

God mean nurses are the worst ever!, I had one when i had my son too!..I too had him by c-section I was that exhausted i refused a clean up as soon as i got onto ward (was in labour 32 hours prior to having my section). The next day they eventually did take my catheter out and then the nurses came in to motivate me to walk..I managed just fine but I was still really tried! :\

Seb was up most of the night, the women in the other beds snored and let their babies cry..So no sleep for me meant i was very irritable!, the nurse came around and yelled at me too for not showering..But when you retort it shuts them up!..I said 'I dont know if its came to your attention but I haven't slept, i have been feeding most of the night, people snore and let their babies cry..So pardon me for letting my general hygiene slip for just one day'

Mean nurses should be banned from hospitals!, but at the same time i had a lovely nurse who stayed with me when i was in labour, she came to see me after I had my baby, she saw how tired I was and told me she'd settle sebastian for me and said i should grab myself half an hour..Bless her heart she was an angel

 

[vintagecat]

I can't believe how awful you ladies were treated in your hospital stays. Why do they have to ruin one of the most momentous days of your life?

I had a great clinic stay for 6 days, but the time I reached the 4th day, I wanted to leave so badly. I just wanted the comfort of my own surroundings, but when I think back, I wouldn't have had the energy to make myself meals or anything since I was healing. My nurse was great, except she started pushing formula the day after my daughter was born because my milk hadn't come in. My milk didn't come in until day 4, which I knew was completely normal, but they supplemented after each time I would nurse her. It made me so angry that they were so pushy about it. I think stress with feeding options can go both ways. Luckily, after we left the clinic, I was able to be left to my own devices and we didn't have any issues after that. It's so difficult to surround yourself with supportive people... As a mother, you're always doing something wrong!

 

[dizz]

I can't believe how awful you ladies were treated in your hospital stays. Why do they have to ruin one of the most momentous days of your life?

They did worse than that with me - they ruined utterly my life with how they treated me. To stand on a post-natal ward and openly say "our view is that the mothers don't matter - we only care about the babies" and to almost take pride in leaving women un-fed for days on end because "well sometimes when you have a baby you don't GET to have a meal" (when you're at home you've got a fridge or a phone to call for food - when you're in hospital and on a feeding schedule for a low birthweight baby that directly clashes with every single ward mealtime - and you'll get yelled at and threatened if you're late deliverying a feed... it's a bit different).

I was in a bed right near the nurses' station - the way they talked about the patients was disgraceful - including the nice half-hour they spent slagging me off on my first night on the ward - having dumped me in the darkness without my baby.

People can't quite get how I can claim the birth and hospital stay ruined my life - it's like in my mind (in some attempt to stay sane-er) I've mentally separated the birth+time in hospital, from us coming home together... so it's kind of like her second birth was getting in the car and driving home, starting from the second the hospital was out of sight if that makes any sense.

 

[Buddysmum89]

Oh dizz thats awful !

Well, im pleased to say that the loss of breast feeding this time around hasn't deterred me from trying again on my next baby!. OH and I are currently talking about another baby! I cant believe he's finally come around..He was totally against the idea of more kids once we had seb'!..Ill try my best to stick at it this time no matter how sore my boobs get and hopefully my body will let me do what i want to this time

 

[vintagecat]

Dizz, I know this is a personal question, but because of your experience, do you think you would consider a home birth for any future children? You don't have to answer of course. I certainly think that type of experience would put me off to giving birth at a hospital!

 

[dizz]

Sadly not allowed - I'm deemed a high risk pregnancy, have to be consultant led all the way through so my options are severely limited. That one by all accounts (that everyone told me AFTER the birth - thanks) is a particularly vile post-natal ward though!

 

[flamingpanda]

I too felt a sense of elation leaving the hospital, it was the longest 3 days of my life. As we walked across the car park with Hadley I felt completely free. That hospital stay is the reason I will be FF for sure next time. I can't deal with another long stay when you just get ignored. It was like being in prison. Actually I think they treat prisoners better than that these days!

 

[_Nell]

Would it be ok if i join here, feeling very blue about LO's feeding, need to just pour it all out tbh.

layla was born at 38 weeks via emcs as i developed sudden full blown eclampsia.
I got skin-skin right after and gave her a first feed. she was taken away from me that night as apparently i needed the rest. The next day a midwife basically forced a formula cup feed down her, i tried to argue but was told she needed it...she was then not keen to latch for the next day or so, full to bursting i think! My milk came in and she fed ok after that, but not quite how the hospital liked as she'd latch on for an hour or so at a time and then sleep for over 3 hours....they promoted demand feeding but not if it didn't fit their schedule. She had a severe tongue tie but seemed to latch well, we had it sorted privately anyway.

A week after she was born i was still in immense c section pain and LO was cluster feeding, sitting up was agony holding her, i talked to the midwives about moving to expressing and looking back i realise i was given so little support and advice about if and how.

I then exclusively pumped up until this week but gave 1formula feed a day to top up. I have tried her on the breast once or twice since moving to pumping and she has managed a feed and was wondering if i might be able to move back easy enough. LO has been very colicy/ refluxy/ windy and pumping has been a nightmare fitting in feeding and pumping and tending otherwise to a baby that if awake is generally crying. now ive been told she likely has cmpi.

She now has special formula and ranitidine. I'm upset and angry....would she be like this if i'd exclusively bf? Would the extra sucking from the nipple v's bottle have improved her digestion and bottom wind problem? ( i've always felt she's comfort fed from bottles and the extra food has added to her gut pain)

I want her to get better so she's now 100%ff, i've wound down my pumping to twice a day and am just freezing it.....i can't let go right now,if the formula doesn't work out then i want the option of trying to get my supply up again and going ebf or maybe even trying to reintroduce a breast milk feed in a few weeks if she becomes settled.
It's not that i think there's anything wrong with ff, but i do look at the tin ingredients and just feel i also hate that she now needs some special diet and meds and wonder 'what if' but i'll never really know. Hate that she might need some special diet at weaning too. Most of all hate the amount of pain she has been in for the first 8 weeks of her lifr.

 

[Shineystar]

ive posted here before but just popping back in, sorry to hear so many ladies having such a hard time

I thought it would get easier to deal with the loss of BFing as time went on but if anything its worse. I feel so bad that she is missing the skin to skin and all the benefits of BM. Ive even sat and read all the diaries of ladies who have relactated and think if they can do that i just should have tried harder.

I know LO was feeding well, but it was like she didnt open her mouth wide enough and take the nipple in far enough back, so when i took it out end of feeding it was all squashed and had been rubbing on the roof of her mouth, which caused alot of pain and eventually mastitis. She was also refluxy so fussed on and off, relatching loads which was even more painful! She still does this with the bottle despite having gaviscon so i guess id still be wrestling with that

anyway just wanted to have a rant xx

 

[GreyGirl]

I'm sorry for all your experiences, especially when it comes to those medical professionals who are supposed to 'support you'.
I have to say that I have had a lot of people who've tried their best to support me, including a LC who has gone above and beyond to help me. Sadly nature is against us. I still feel guilty that Isabelle's only getting a little milk from me and mostly formula. But I'm slowly coming to peace with the fact that I couldn't have done anything else and I was never going to be able to EBF no matter how much I try. I just have BF envy now when I see people doing it so naturally, I hope one day that goes