The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[lch28]

i do the same! i still put him on once in a while, hell latch for maybe 10 mins just on one boob, i try the other and he refuses! my milk supply is slowly decreasing though. i cant get as much as i used too when i pump (tbh, im not pumping every 3 hours, thats so hard) I also have been thinking of those things!! I like to know exactly how much he is eating , i dont have to keep buying pre natals and i can eat whatever!! lol. formulas a bit pricey but well manage. im feeling better about it every day. I am so happy with him and i hate to be feeling upset over bfing when my little boy is finally here!

 

[Buddysmum89]

I went out with friends shopping yesterday and went to change seb'..There wasn't many people around but one woman sitting down breastfeeding her baby, i took a small glance and thought to myself 'I envy her'..

I was so keen not to breast feed after I had seb but once i tried it and got him to latch properly and it not feel like he was ripping my boobs off I actually quite enjoyed it!..I suppose i only have myself to blame as im Emetophobic and hadn't eaten anything since the day before i went into labour, i had to force myself to eat a few hours after i gave birth and even then i felt sick afterwards!, looking back maybe my lack of food was to blame for my milk not coming!

 

[Porcelain]

I'm so glad there are others feeling the way I do.
I feel a little hypocritical... I've always been 'there's no shame in formula feeding', but I feel overwhelmed with shame and guilt that I can't breast feed.
The first couple weeks we tried to exclusive breast feed. Our babies were not getting near enough food. Their urine was so concentrated it looked like blood and they'd only had a smear of poop. Our pediatrician gave us some ready-made formula and we fed it to them in the office. They were out like lights for four hours and filled their diapers. It was a miracle and I posted about the miraculous formula on FB. People began to comment and message me about how bad formula was and what not. At that point I was still trying to breast feed, but there was no way I was going to let them go hungry again and stop the formula.
So I continued to try; individually they latched well, but took about an hour each to eat (and needed to eat every two hours) so it wasn't really an option. They did not like tandem feeding (nor did I- they were often painful this way) and my husband, after much crying from the babies, finally told me to stop and I didn't argue. I tried maybe twice since then when I've been alone, but I think I'm officially done trying to tandem feed.
So now I try to express only I really only have time to do this once a day. My friends work and I have no family in the area so it's just me and the babies until my husband gets home. I don't know how other mommies magically keep their babies happy and their house half way decent and still pump every 3 hours or bf every 2, but it was simply not happening here. I only can express about one meal a day for them; I know if I was dedicated I could work up more, but I just can't find the time and the babies don't sleep near as often as everyone else's babies seem to (they seem to sleep on their walks and when we run errands... not when I could actually get stuff done)
I've been so stressed lately about the house being a disaster, money, about family and politics, but above all about breast feeding that the last three days I've literally devolved into tears. My poor husband is at such a loss of what to do with me! He's missed meetings to be at home with me and missed his 'game time' on the computer with his friends that he only does once a week to talk to me. He and any real-life friend (not fb friends) or family member are supportive in formula feeding. We shot a commercial for a pediatrician the other day and even he was saying formula feeding is great if you're unable to bf and that it's perfectly healthy, but I can't shake this feeling of incredible guilt. And I know it's ridiculous; I was fully formula fed- I don't think I was even given the breast after being born because I was supposed to be adopted and was in foster care and they discouraged a bond between my mother and I, my mother was ff, my husband's siblings were formula fed... so many people are formula feed and are brilliant, healthy people. Why I can't accept this for my own kids I don't know!
Husband's given me some lorzapan because I've been such a weeping mess lately and I've taken up my old comfort habits of diet coke to just try to chill out. Unfortunately it means pumping (their one meal) and dumping. I know I shouldn't even pump and just let myself dry out, I'm having a real hard time letting go of wanting to give them breast milk. I know those two hours should be dedicated to sleep or cleaning up.
Everyone has things to say, true things, that should make me okay with formula feeding, but still, inside, all I feel like is a huge failure for not being able to provide my own children with food like nature expects me to.
So sorry for the long rant, it feels good to be able to let it out with ladies who understand what it's like. There's the logical point of view, the outsider's point of view... and then there's what it actually -feels- like going through this.

 

[Twinkie210]

I know that no matter what we say you are still going to have that guilt (I know because I do too!). Just surround yourself with supportive loving people. You are doing the best you can for those babies and that takes a very strong person to give up the dream of Bfing. It is putting your children's happiness before your own.

As far as the pumping goes don't beat yourself up about it. It is impossible to pump without some help. I am EPing and the only reason I can is because I have a husband/mother/son who can help me. Anyone who tells you it is possible to EP for TWO babies by yourself is nuts! I have just one and I want to pull my hair out. It takes all my energy to pump, wash bottles, and feed little guy. My house is a wreck and I often wonder if the good coming from the breast milk is really worth the hours I spend away from my baby hooked up to a pump.

 

[daddiesgift]

Porcelain- you're doing great! I have no idea how anyone copes with bfing two children at same time I was horribly overwhelmed with one! Even now with him being 2 months and my oldest 17 months there is no way I could dedicate so much time sitting down bfing or pumping all day! We are made to feel bad about formula feeding before we ever even try it or have children! I understand why they have bfing support groups its hard! But what about formula feeding mothers! Who is there for us?? No one to tell us its okay, you tried your best, here's some formula feeding tips. It's just "breast is best" and lets keep hush that there is other options!

Formula is NOT poision. If it was why is it given to babies in NICU? Why are children with severe food allergies given it? One day we will all "get over it". When they are older we will never think of these hardships. Forget what everyone says or thinks this isn't their babies or their breasts!

 

[Snow Owl]

We're having problems again with his feeding.

And you know what? I know if we really worked at it I could probably get his feeding better, but with the pain and the tiredness I just don't know if I can be bothered anymore.

But then I feel terribly guilty!!!

AGRHHHH

 

[lch28]

awww hun, i know exactly how you feel. Jonathan just will not latch, he was the same his first few days when i was trying to bf, his urine was orange and he hardly pood and just cried and cried. I gave him his first formula 2 days after we brought him home. He chugged it like it was the best thing hes ever had and slept! HE WAS SLEEPING! lol. I was so depressed but i wasnt going to stop the formula after seeing how much better he felt after. I still introduced him to my breast before every feed, but he always ended up with a formula bottle (and loved it) I also pumped and would give him bf milk once a day. Lets face it, i was the exact same and did not have the time to pump every 2 hours. insane. kudos to whoever can do that! So every day my little man would get 2-3 oz breast milk. Once he was 1.5 weeks old i stopped trying to bf - and continued to FF and give him one meal of breast milk. I began to notice instead of getting 2-3 oz i was hardly getting one. my milk was drying up. i cried for a day and most likely drove OH crazy. i said it was my fault for not pumping enough. anywho, i haven't pumped in 4 days, Jonathan is 3 weeks old and he is formula fed. He loves it and im finally coming to terms with it. The most important thing is that your baby is happy and growing. Jonathan gained almost a pound last week. I am so proud of him - he was born 4 weeks early and lost much more then 10 percent of his birth weight in the hospital. I know how you feel but i promise soon you will feel much better!

 

[twokiddos]

Hello ladies!!! I'm so happy to have found this section of BnB. I've been reading through your posts and feel comfort in hearing similar stories of how we came to FF. My little man was born on 2/7 and I thought BF'ing was going to be a breeze. He "latched" within minutes of being born and seemed to just "get it". Boy, was I wrong, wrong, wrong!!! I spent all my recovery time in the hospital trying to get him to latch good. Now, I should say, I have 2 other boys. One I EP'ed for 9 months (my first child) and the other I Bf'ed for 10 months at which point he self-weened. So, I knew I could do this. But Quinn, just couldn't latch for whatever reason. Turns out, he is tongue tied!!! No matter how hard I tried and he tried, we weren't getting a good latch. It was EXCRUCIATING!!! He was only able to suck on the tip of my nipple and completely destroyed them in just 48 hours. He was so hungry!! And his little cry was impossible to handle. I decided I would pump for him so he could still get my milk but Bf'ing just wasn't going to happen (this was the first admission of defeat). So, I pumped the little amount of colostrum for him but it wasn't enough and the nurses suggested formula till my milk came in. Colostrum first, then formula to fill his belly. This seemed to be working. We went home and tried getting into a schedule with pumping/feeding and managing 2 other boys and their schedules. After the 3rd day home, I woke up with the hardest, most engorged breasts ever!!!!! I don't know what happened. I was pumping like usual... getting about 2 ounces from each side per pumping session. Then went down to 5ml when the engorgement hit! WTH!!!! I was so frustrated! Now the baby was hungry all the time and I wasn't making enough... or I couldn't get it out of my breasts because I was so swollen. I iced my breasts, heat packed them, went in a hot shower before pumping to try to get the milk flowing. Nothing helped! They were so painful and huge! I cried and cried at how much they hurt and I still wasn't getting any milk from them. During one of Quinn's night feedings, I sat there pumping while my DH held the baby waiting for me to be down so Quinn could eat. 30 minutes later I only had 8ml of milk for him and I wanted to throw the effing pump across the room. I cried hysterically and knew what needed to be done but didn't want to admit it. DH was great and did some research on another forum for formula feeders. They call themselves Fearless Formula Feeders! From then on out, we decided to throw in the towel on BF'ing/pumping and it's been enjoyable ever since. A week later, my breasts still aren't the same but some of the engorgement has subsided. I have horrible guilt over what happened and wonder why it happened like this but I know I couldn't have done anything more to get this to work. The pain wasn't worth starving my baby. He's happy now, sleeps like a champ and growing like a weed! Most important, everyone in the house is happier and I'm able to enjoy my baby. Though I am comfortable with this decision, I haven't really disclosed to family and friends that we're FF'ing. I don't know if it's because I'm ashamed or don't want them to judge me. Maybe it's because I'm a SAHM and they'll all just assume I should have all the time in the world to pump/BF and by FF'ing, I'm just being lazy :-/ So, I choose just not to talk about it with anyone. DH had to send an email to my mom that told her to support this decision and to not judge since this was a hard enough decision for me that I didn't need her critizing me for not pumping (which she had a TON of negative things to say when she heard BFing wasn't working and we had to pump) So, there we are... I feel for you all and understand all the ups and downs of FFing. No one should judge as we're all just trying to do the best for our babies!

 

[Islander]

Anyone who says it's lazy is an idiot!ff US way mire time consuming!well done for doing what is right for your family

 

[kirstyolivia]

I feel exactly the same as you do. I tried to breast feed my baby girl after she was born and all was going okay until the 4th day when she wouldn't latch on and my nipples became sore, cracked and even started to bleed and since that day I moved onto formula feeding and felt like a complete failure ever since. I sometimes just want to sit and cry when I'm feeding her by bottle because I wanted to breast feed her but just couldn't do it. I know my little one is getting everything she needs to be healthy from bottles because she's gaining weight like she should be but still wish I could have carried on breast feeding. I stayed off BnB for a couple of weeks after having my baby because I just didn't want to see how well other mums were getting on with breast feeding but with support from friends and family members I'm gradually beginning to feel okay with bottle feeding her, but don't get me wrong I still have down days where I just want to cry.

Just got to remind ourselves that we're not failures and not everyone gets on with breast feeding, and as for the mothers who have sneered at you or even begun to make you feel like a failure then they really need to grow up and realise not everyone can breast feed and babies are just as happy when they're being bottle fed.

 

[Twinkie210]

Not all Mom's can breastfeed and not all babies can either. Do not feel guilty about quitting BFing. How can anyone argue that enduring excruciating pain and having a baby that is not satisfied and always hungry better than giving a bottle of formula? Since the day I stopped breast feeding my son has been so happy, he has put on weight, and he has hit all of his milestones. BFing is the right choice for some, combi feeding expressed BM and formula was right for us, and all formula is right for others. No one should be made to feel like a failure for choosing to give their child what they need rather than what the Mom wants to do.

 

[twokiddos]

I agree! And just because you can BF one child, doesn't mean you'll be able to BF your future children. I had to EP with my first born because he was severely jaundice and didn't have the energy to nurse in the first couple weeks so I pumped and gave it to him in a bottle for 12 months!!!!! My second took the nursing like a champ. We had no issues with nursing and I was able to do it for 10 months before he weaned himself. Now, my third is exclusively formula. It was just confirmed at his 4 weeks appointment that he has a massive tongue AND upper lip tie. Heck, he even has trouble latching onto a bottle nipple... how was I supposed to get him to ever latch onto breasts that either has a flat nipple or inverted nipple?!?!?!? And those lactation consultants who shove your newborns face into your breast are NOT helping anyone. IMO, nursing shouldn't be a forceful experience for anyone. Sometimes, BF'ing just isn't a good match. After 4 weeks, I've come to terms with it. My baby is happy and growing like a weed. It's nice to watch as other family members are able to give Quinn his meal and I enjoy being able to take "shifts" at night which gives my hubby and I a chance to each get more sleep.

Ignore all the other moms and family/friends who offer their unwanted advice. This is your life and your baby. We are all just trying to do our best!!!

 

[Tweak0605]

IAnd those lactation consultants who shove your newborns face into your breast are NOT helping anyone. IMO, nursing shouldn't be a forceful experience for anyone.

SO COMPLETELY AGREE! I still remember them taking my poor little girl's head and like shoving her on my breast. It was a horrible experience and she clearly couldn't latch, but here they were, keeping shoving her face onto my boob. Ugh.

 

[Porcelain]

And those lactation consultants who shove your newborns face into your breast are NOT helping anyone. IMO, nursing shouldn't be a forceful experience for anyone.

One of the consultants did that with my babies! She was suffocating him, I had to push her off, it was ridiculous. He was struggling because couldn't breath, not because he didn't want to latch!
You're supposed to trick them into latching when they yawn as if they'd be like 'oh, how convenient, a nipple!' instead mine freaked out because they were shoved on without warning and forcefully pressed on my breast so much they couldn't breath. It's a miracle we could breast feed the little we did/do after that experience.

 

[Twinkie210]

The nurses and LC's kept doing this with my son too, it is no wonder he didn't want to nurse! My son never wanted to open his mouth wide enough, so it seems like the nurses tried to compensate by just pushing him on!

 

[Poshbird88]

It was the same for me with both children x

 

[sammiexsue]

reading all your stories is helping me come to terms with FF.... Ive said it before i just feel plan out guilty... let down everything... but when i see her smile and just looking around i know shes happy even though she wasnt BF.. she latched once or twice since shes been born but nothing to get anything plus i have little to no milk supply so i did what we had to do...

 

[hakunamatata]

What bugs me is that on the side of my formula container, it says that breast feeding is best. Gee thanks for reminding me every time I have to make a bottle for my LO! (Who by the way is thriving and happy and doing amazingly!)

 

[lch28]

^ your so right. how obnoxious is that?!?

 

[hakunamatata]

Lch sorry for your loss but congrats on your new addition!! Love the pic of the 2 of you.