The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[babyhopes2]

I've been reading through some of the posts on here and am really pleased i found it. My baby is 3 weeks old and i have struggled with feeding her all along. I am now at the stage where i feel i need to start formula feedng. I have ben doing a combination with the majority Bf until now but i am agonising so much about it. So many ppl are reassuring me and i know the most important thing is that she's fed and we're both happy but i do feel very sad about it and feel a bit of a failure. My issue is that it hurts a lot. Now i know that this must mean she's not latched correctly but i have seen so many midwives now and called the BF helpline, looked at things online and i just dont know how to do it differenly. Some days we have some success and despite my boobs feeling like they have red hot daggers going through them ithink i cn do this but then when she's clearly completely unsatisfied after feeding for 30 mins i get completely disheartened and wonder what thepoint is when she then needs a bottle anyway!!
I thought it would be more natural and i feel dreadful that i will be missing this with my baby and that i dread her needing to feed at the moment. I do feel like im struggling to bond fully with her and if i stop BF completely i feel like she wont need me at all anymore!

 

[fides]

awww, hun.

i just want to say, your daughter needs you more than anyone else in this world, regardless of how she is being fed. nobody else can be mommy to her right now, and she needs YOU.

during this difficult time, and to all the new ladies in here.

 

[mandimoo]

In a way Im so sorry I found this thread because it means there are so many others out there feeling similar to how I've felt. But in another way such a relief. This is our story.

LO was consistently breach and her growth had slowed for the last two growth scans and I had very little amniotic fluid so they decided she needed to be born by c-sec at 36+5. I didn't even get to write my birth plan. So I was already mourning the loss of my labour. For some nutty reason I was really looking forward to having a labour!

She would not latch on and dropped over 10% body weight. She would not wake to feed, even stripped off, feet tickled, face blown. Over the course of our 5 days in hospital I had numerous midwives manhandle my breasts but LO just couldn't get it. Eventually they explained that the suck reflex was probably not developed with her being early so asked permission to 'top her up', which I willingly gave, only wanting her to be fed. They gave me an action plan... wake her up for 3 hourly feeds, try to breast feed, if unsuccessful give EBM, if not enough EBM, top up with formula.

And so it began. I would spend nearly an hour at each breast trying to latch and feed. Then I would give her what I had previously expressed. Then I attached myself to the breastpump for the next feed. This '3 hour' feeding schedule was taking me 4 plus hours, let alone time to eat, sleep, shower. By the 5th day I had had about 2 hours sleep since I got there and swear I was having a nervous breakdown. I lied that I was OK just so I could get home and get some support off my DH.

I continued this crazy schedule when I got home, but obviously couldnt keep it up. Gradually I expressed less and less through sheer exhaustion. I was so anxious that LO was still not latching and therefore could not be getting enough food. Then she was diagnosed with TT and I was diagnosed with PND.

We got the TT sorted and saw no improvement whatsoever and it was then that I started to give up. She told me that because I had stopped expressing and LO had not been getting much off me, I would really have to work at my supply. I was already totally exhausted, I just didn't have it in me to do what I needed to do.

I still feel very sad that I missed this chance. I cant have anymore children (long story), so no second chance for this 'special bond'. People say to me 'dont beat yourself up, you did your best'.

I KNOW I did my best. Im NOT beating myself up. I just feel really sad that we couldn't do it.

 

[Stressbucket]

Twinkie - the nurses at my hospital were actually really good. I loved them all. The lactation consultants? Well, that's another story. They were maybe in my room for 10 minutes tops. I saw 3 different ones, and I actually got different information from each one of them. Each one told me something different, to help. Or that I had the wrong nipple shield.

Oh, God, this. I saw maybe five or six different LCs, sometimes more than one in a day. One of them would give me some new little rubber gadget, and the next one would ask why I was using that. It was maddening.

 

[Islander]

Hi ladies... my story is slightly different but I still feel very guilty and in limbo on bnb... my lo will be 15 weeks tomorrow and I have started weaning her on to formula... we are getting there slowly but it still hurts physically and emotionally... I love breast feeding and so does my lo... tbh we rock at breast feeding but I have aggressive arthritis and am going back on my meds in Feb and I can't feed on them. I know it's the right decision and Ella needs her mum to be healthy but I'm still very upset and guilty...and hugely angry that I have this stupid disease :'(

 

[Menelly]

Hi ladies... my story is slightly different but I still feel very guilty and in limbo on bnb... my lo will be 15 weeks tomorrow and I have started weaning her on to formula... we are getting there slowly but it still hurts physically and emotionally... I love breast feeding and so does my lo... tbh we rock at breast feeding but I have aggressive arthritis and am going back on my meds in Feb and I can't feed on them. I know it's the right decision and Ella needs her mum to be healthy but I'm still very upset and guilty...and hugely angry that I have this stupid disease :'(

You sound like me. Breastfeeding was going awesome, I loved it, I had totally planned on natural weaning. Then I came down with (what they thought was) Rheumatoid Arthritis (now they're leaning to Mixed Connective Tissue Disease instead) and put me on not breastfeeding friendly meds. I had to wean her, and I'm STILL broken hearted about that. I hate that it wasn't my boobs that failed, she did it perfectly, no it's my body that failed. But I was getting to the point I could barely hold her due to pain, so I weaned and started the meds.

I still cry over it and it's been 4 months. And now that we've decided we're not having more, it's even more heartbreaking.

Feel free to PM me at any point if you need to talk. I understand.

What helped me was I got dressed up cute, we dressed Kesslie up cute, and I had my husband snap about 50 pictures of (one of) our last nursing sessions. I printed and framed the cutest one. It breaks my heart to see, but I'm so glad I have a permanent momento.

I hope you can at least get your pain under control soon.

 

[Snow Owl]

I'm struggling with the decision of what to do.

LO had terrible problems latching from day one and the hospital didn't help

With some work from a community midwife on day 4 we got there!

But then on day 7 we discovered he was still losing weight so I had to express to top up his feeds.

Well he now loves a bottle and has refused to take the boob.

I'm trying to pump enough for him but I'm struggling to keep up and it's so hard!!

I really don't know what to do

 

[Twinkie210]

I could have wrote your post! I felt like we were perservering through breastfeeding and little guy was doing well only to find out at our 1 week checkup that he hadn't gained any weight in 3 days His pediatrician didn't make me start top ups, just wanted a weight check the next week, but I started them on my own because I knew that he just wasn't eating enough (he would always fall asleep while feeding, even when he was undressed). Once I gave him that bottle he wanted nothing to do with the boob. It upset me too much to keep trying both, so I went to all bottle feeding and EPing. I think you just have to figure out what will work for both of you. You can keep trying to offer him the boob and just express and top up until he starts feeding well. You can give up breast feeding and go to either EPing (with combi feeding if necessary) or go to formula. There is no right answer, only you know what will work for you, your baby, and your family.

I can say that I have successfully EP'd for 4 months now. It is hard but I wanted to extend some form of BFing as long as I could. I had to combi feed for a couple weeks because I couldn't pump enough to keep up with his demand (which reinforced my suspicion that he wasn't getting full feeds BFing). But with diligent pumping schedules I was able to increase my supply enough and he currently only gets formula when I am out and don't have means to warm a bottle. Otherwise he gets all breast milk.

I formula fed my first son and there are benefits to this choice too (I don't want to sound like I am a gung ho breast milk pusher- to me either one does the job, the choice of how a baby isfed is up to the mother and is no one else's business!)

Good luck and I just want to say I have been at that point. The choice of whether or not to quit breast feeding is a hard on to make and for me at least, it lead to lots of tears and second guessing, but in the end I know I made the right choice for me, my son, and my family

 

[vintagecat]

I'm struggling with the decision of what to do.

LO had terrible problems latching from day one and the hospital didn't help

With some work from a community midwife on day 4 we got there!

But then on day 7 we discovered he was still losing weight so I had to express to top up his feeds.

Well he now loves a bottle and has refused to take the boob.

I'm trying to pump enough for him but I'm struggling to keep up and it's so hard!!

I really don't know what to do

Snow Owl, don't be afraid to ask for advice in the breastfeeding section if you need it. Babies lose a percentage of their birth weight in the first few weeks and then regain. My daughter didn't regain her birth weight until the end of the first month. Breastfed babies also gain weight a bit more slowly, but then they get chunky.

I don't know what I would have done if others hadn't encouraged me and let me know what I was experiencing was normal. B&B has great support for women no matter how their babies are being fed. I never felt like if I switched to formula that I wouldn't be able to relate to other women. We're all taking care of our loved ones.

 

[Snow Owl]

We've had do much advice from everyone and its been wonderful but we just seem to keep struggling.

I'm trying to pump every 3 hours but still only getting 2oz from both which isn't enough for him.

We will have to start combi feeding today

When he does decide to feed (which takes up a good hour to 2 hours and I have to do it laying down) he's still hungry after he's turned off the boob (after a 40 minute feed) which is def giving me the idea I'm not enough for him

He ate so little those first few days due to our problems I'm not surprised he lost so much weight!

He seems much happier post bottle than post boob but I just don't have enough.

Then with pumping I'm ok being attached every 3 hours at the mo, but daddy goes back to work tomorrow and then what do I do? Ill be alone with him all day

 

[vintagecat]

First of all, you're doing great! Breastfeeding is SO emotionally and physically exhausting and I don't think I slept longer than an hour at a time the first 12 weeks of my daughter's life, so I can definitely sympathize. My husband was at work and my daughter was literally attached to me all day long and would nurse every hour at night. After four weeks she regained all of her birth weight and it made me feel much better. It's so stressful in those first few weeks when you're afraid your baby isn't eating enough. One thing to especially note is that a breast pump cannot physically tell you how much milk you're making. The baby gets the milk out much, much faster. Even though they nurse for an hour or longer, they're eating at their own pace. It takes a long time to feed a newborn with a bottle in my opinion too. Once they're a bit older, they eat more quickly.

Many ladies here will tell you how much they can sympathize. So many aspects about being a mother are difficult. If breastfeeding is important to you, keep working at it, but if it isn't working out, formula exists for a reason. Make sure your husband and loved ones are supportive of your decisions and maybe switch pediatricians! It's COMPLETELY normal for babies to take 3-4 weeks to start regaining their weight and he/she should know that!

 

[Islander]

Totally gutted... I had to start meds today as an emergency so stopping is not gonna be phased out but stopping instantly... I nursed her for the last time :'( I'm devastated...

 

[Snow Owl]

Vintage cat I'm in the UK so we don't get a choice who we see!

 

[vintagecat]

That's terrible. I think women should be able to choose their pediatricians and doctors. That's so unfair.

 

[Islander]

I'm in the UK and I chose my doctor...

 

[Snow Owl]

It's the midwife team tho that make his decisions at the mo and we don't have a choice with them.

Well not here anyway!

 

[hapi2bhealthy]

Gosh this is a good thread for me.

I have just given up on BFing after a very rocky start with my DD. She's 6 weeks now, and for the first 2 weeks she was exclusively breastfed and lost over a pound, or over 500gms. She turned out to have an undiagnosed tongue tie, and after 2 weeks of starving she was given a bottle of formula on demand from the Dr and she guzzled it and slept properly for the first time in her life.

After that, I noticed she had a funny neck: she couldn't open her mouth wide enough to latch and wouldn't turn her head to the left.

I was tied to the pump, topping up with formula, on Motilium for supply, and spending every 3rd hr trying to get her to latch...it was a nightmare, and heartbreaking. She never got a full feed from the breast because she just couldn't open her mouth wide enough. I paid over $300 to hire a highly experienced lactation consultant, and even after 35 yrs experience this woman STILL couldn't get her to latch. I saw every breastfeeding clinic in the area. I am heart broken

I finally gave up last week and am now weaning down the pumping. I've had her neck adjusted by a chiro and her tongue tie has been snipped but after the first 5 weeks of poor latching, she has never learned how to do it properly and was only sleeping in 20 minute blocks because she was so hungry all the time and her feeds were so all over the place.

My milk supply is rapidly decreasing and it's still making me cry. I see all the women BFing in Mothers Group and sometimes have to turn away to hide my tears. They are so supportive and don't really care about breast vs bottle, but for me it was never about what others thought, it was about our bond. I loved BFing her for the first 2 weeks, it was magical to me and so special. I still put on her the breast if she has hiccups (she has silent reflux that makes her hiccups terribly uncomfortable for her) and it soothes her and stops the hiccups. I'm so sad I won't be able to soothe her with the breast after the next few weeks.

Anyway, she IS a much happier baby on the bottle and formula. She is sleeping better, and way less grizzly. I am extra snuggly with her when I give her the bottle because I need to make up for the loss of BFing. I think it's more for me than her, but I had to give her what she needs and not what I want, and she needs nourishment that supports her, not makes her hungry and unhappy.

We are also now not co-sleeping anymore in an effort to get her sleeping better (and she DOES), so giving up both for me in one hit has been HARD. I miss my baby being so close to me.

ANyway just needed to express my sadness at my 'loss'. I know I've done the right thing but that doesn't help me feel happier, just like I've lost a little something. I missed the first 6 weeks of her life to her being unhappy, and me being unhappy, so now I'm just trying to make up for it.

 

[lch28]

hun i know just how you feel. My son has never been able to latch correctly. He was born 4 weeks early and he just hates my breasts. He screams every time i try. I have tried nipple shields, i paid a consultant 200 dollars as well, and it just isnt happening for us. I feel terribly guilty. Doesn't help when i confided to someone about it and she proceeded to tell me how wonderful her bond was from bfing =[ i want to cry every time i give him a bottle. he is gaining wonderfully and he is such an amazing baby and i feel like i am failing him. its really rough and its really effecting me. my son is also much happier on formula. He sleeps so well and isnt fussy anymore. I know that whats works is whats best but my heart was set on breast feeding my little guy

 

[hapi2bhealthy]

hun i know just how you feel. My son has never been able to latch correctly. He was born 4 weeks early and he just hates my breasts. He screams every time i try. I have tried nipple shields, i paid a consultant 200 dollars as well, and it just isnt happening for us. I feel terribly guilty. Doesn't help when i confided to someone about it and she proceeded to tell me how wonderful her bond was from bfing =[ i want to cry every time i give him a bottle. he is gaining wonderfully and he is such an amazing baby and i feel like i am failing him. its really rough and its really effecting me. my son is also much happier on formula. He sleeps so well and isnt fussy anymore. I know that whats works is whats best but my heart was set on breast feeding my little guy

It's hard isn't it. I spoke to our Early Childhood Nurse today and told her that although she's fully on formula, I still put her to the breast when she is terribly upset or needs to relax (or get rid of her reflux hiccups LOL). She said that was totally fine to do. She doesn't get much milk, I'd guess maybe 20-30mls all up, but just the act of it soothes both of us when we need it.

Is it possible you could do that? Or he totally refuses the breast?

In any case, I have tried to focus on the positives: like the fact that I know exactly how much my baby has eaten so can at least rule out hunger as a cause of crying. I can schedule things around her eating a lot easier, and can stretch her out for 4 hours between feeds so she gets a good sleep. I can eat what i like as I know her gut issues have nothing to do with me (shes on soy now), and I can go away if I need to and someone else can take care of her. I have a lot more independance, which has helped for me as she's been very unsettled with all the feeding problems and now a milk protein intolerance (she should grow out of it it's just been a bit much on her little tummy).

So that's helping me heal, and I hope you can start to heal a bit too In a few years we won't be worrying about it, I'm sure

 

[hapi2bhealthy]

Also, I asked the GP who is also an international lactation consultant about whether I could teach her how to latch again now her neck is much better and her tongue tie gone, and she said no, she will not learn to latch now, it's too late But as i said above, I'm focusing on the positives now, and getting her into a routine.