The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[pinklily1983]

I gave birth 2 weeks ago, 4 weeks prem and was also being monitored as baby small for gestational age. She came out at 4lb10oz.

I wanted to BF and attempted immediately but she would not latch and we were advised to give her FF straight away. For me it was more important to ensure LO had the nutrition she needed than my feelings about BF. We had 2 bouts of jaundice and im glad I had been using FF so I could monitor how much she was having and alert hospital as soon as I saw a drop in feed quantities (when the jaundice had taken over again).

I expressed right away however 2 weeks later I am unable to get anymore than 30ml at one pumping session per day, with the rest only getting 10ml. In total I can probably express 1 feed per day.

I keep attempting to put her to my breasts a couple of times a day when she is hungry and she appears to be doing a fab job trying to get the milk but can only manage about 4 or 5 sucks before getting frustrated with it and crying - she really is trying though.

Will continue to persevere and do what I can to get as much breast milk in her as possible. It does make me upset that my body is not working but the overarching desire to ensure she grows well and puts on weight helps a lot... she now 2oz above birth weight

Sending all those mums who are having difficulty breast feeding best wishes, please dont be too hard on yourself...if you have done your best and tried you can do no more.

 

[Vicyi]

So glad i have found this thread! I too feel gutted that i havent been able to BF
My daughter was born 6weeks early with PRS (small jaw and complete cleft of soft and hard palate.)
Before she was born, my cleft specalist said that if she was just born with the micrognathia (small chin) i may still be able to breastfeed and if she was born with just the cleft i may still be able to breastfeed so i was still holding onto alot of hope. Once she was born prematurely though all that hope went right out of the window. Her medical problems meant she was in an incubator for a week and in hospital for a month. I did, and still am, expressing for her but it was so SO hard being in the special care unit and seeing all the nurses helping the Mums to latch the babies on and knowing that i will never be able to do that
We have tried, unsuccessfully, to get E to latch but she just finds it impossible. I feel even more guilty as i BF my son for 8months. Its just so hard

 

[Noelle610]

I haven't been in here in awhile, but just wanted to offer some light at the end of the tunnel for anyone struggling. I had difficulty breastfeeding as a result of jaundice, severe weight loss, early introduction of a bottle and just lack of education. I exclusively pumped for 6 months and it was exhausting mentally and physically. I final gave myself permission to quit around 6.5 months.

I felt really guilty for some time, but it was so freeing not to be chained to the pump. I really grieved the loss of breastfeeding even when I was pumping. I would go to mom and baby groups and see other mothers nursing with ease and it would literally put me in tears. I was worried my baby had colic and reflux because I wasn't breastfeeding or that we wouldn't bond.

At a year old, she is thriving!!! She is the healthiest little thing and rarely gets ill. She is super affectionate, especially in comparison to other kids her age. She is so much fun. So inquisitive and hilarious. I don't feel the lack of breastfeeding in our relationship hurt her at all. She's amazing. The way she was fed as an infant doesn't even register for me anymore. Yes, I would have liked to have breastfed her and I will hopefully nurse my next child if I have another. But it's just not that important. The fun we have together and the love we have for each other are the things I will really remember.

 

[GreyGirl]

I haven't been in here in awhile, but just wanted to offer some light at the end of the tunnel for anyone struggling. I had difficulty breastfeeding as a result of jaundice, severe weight loss, early introduction of a bottle and just lack of education. I exclusively pumped for 6 months and it was exhausting mentally and physically. I final gave myself permission to quit around 6.5 months.

I felt really guilty for some time, but it was so freeing not to be chained to the pump. I really grieved the loss of breastfeeding even when I was pumping. I would go to mom and baby groups and see other mothers nursing with ease and it would literally put me in tears. I was worried my baby had colic and reflux because I wasn't breastfeeding or that we wouldn't bond.

At a year old, she is thriving!!! She is the healthiest little thing and rarely gets ill. She is super affectionate, especially in comparison to other kids her age. She is so much fun. So inquisitive and hilarious. I don't feel the lack of breastfeeding in our relationship hurt her at all. She's amazing. The way she was fed as an infant doesn't even register for me anymore. Yes, I would have liked to have breastfed her and I will hopefully nurse my next child if I have another. But it's just not that important. The fun we have together and the love we have for each other are the things I will really remember.

Wow - well done for pumping so long! I'm sorry for the grief, it's not pleasant, but I'm glad you've come out the other side.
I can relate to the last part. I only lasted 7 weeks combi-feeding. I did everything I could to feed, but with TT, ULT and PCOS causing chronic supply issues that couldn't be fixed (less than 1oz per pumping)...I had to admit defeat at 7 weeks. At first it was really hard and I grieved and cried and felt so much guilt for feeding her formula.
Now she's nearly 6 months old. She's not been ill, is thriving, hitting her milestones, is happy and healthy. I still see a woman bf and wish I could too, I am happy for them, but not as sad for myself any more. I don't enjoy doing the bottles, but I enjoy seeing my girl fall asleep on the bottle and snuggle into me to sleep. Our bond has strengthened so much since I stopped flogging the dead horse of bf.
Another (hopefully) positive experience that the guilt does get better and you grieve less in time

 

[VmrsbabcockV]

Just stopped bfing today after struggling with low supply, oald, and just sn unsatisfied fussy baby. I am having a really hard time coping. I pretty much haven't stopped crying since I made the decision last night. Ds is adjusting just fine to formula...he is so much more settled and sleeps so much better bc he is actually full..but I am a wreck. I never thought I'd love bfing so much...I feel so devestated I am losing that closeness I felt when nursing him and right now I just don't know how to cope...I feel guilt over giving him formula even though he no longer fusses and screams after every feeding like he did with most bfing sessions...I am just trying to tell myself this is what is best for him and look how happy and content he is...but its so hard. And my engorged, throbbing chest is a painful and constant reminder that its over

I rly hope I can get over it

 

[Tweak0605]

VmrsbabcockV - you're awesome for sticking with it for so long. You're LO will do wonderfully formula or breastmilk. Within time, as your milk dries up, you will start to feel better.

I'm another 'light at the end of the tunnel' story. I pumped for 7.5 months, actually still pumping 1 oz a day until the weekend then I'm DONE. I felt horrible at the beginning for giving up breastfeeding. I cried constantly, thinking I was a horrible mother for giving up. I'm sure some people thought I gave up too easily, should've tried harder, etc. BUT my sanity was worth more then my daughter getting breastmilk. When I quit and started pumping, I felt my bond grow. I wasn't worried about how much she was getting, her latch, and all that. Now at almost 8 months old, she's doing wonderfully. She's gotten formula from the 2nd week, started at 1 bottle a night, then grew to all day. She's definitely thriving. Knock on wood, but she's only been sick twice, and that was immediately after starting daycare in January. She's now working on crawling, so I gotta constantly watch her

I know it's hard, but don't let the guilt bring you down. Formula is fine for babies, and lots and lots thrive on it. Everyone tried their hardest, and anyone who judges, obviously doesn't understand.

 

[VmrsbabcockV]

These light at the end of the tunnel stories definitely help a bit. Thank you.
I have to have hubby thaw and toss my milk stash. Lo's belly gets upset when we've tried to combi feed...and every time I open the freezer and see itI lose it.
Its especially hard for me too bc this is going to be our only child. He hhas a daughter who we have full time so hes totally done. Which is a tad disappointing but I know it'll mean I have an even stronger bond to my son. But the fact that bfing was truly a one time opportunity for me makes it so much more painful. I still cry when I think about that part of it..
But he's been sleeping beautifully today on formula and no fussiness minus fighting his sleep a bit.

How long before the crying ends? Our best friends are having their son in August and she is going to bf so I'm kind of nervous how I'm going to react bc we see them all the time...I don't want to cry every time she is bfing or feel jealous of her :/

 

[Tweak0605]

That's wonderful that he's doing so well on formula!

For me, I got waves of sadness, depression, and just feeling down. That was when I would cut a pump, and would see a drop in my milk. But then it took a couple days, and my hormones would level out. Once your hormones level out, you should hopefully feel better. I'm expecting another wave once I physically quit pumping (which will be this weekend) but then I'm assuming I'll be better. Since your BFing, I would give it a couple weeks until you stop being engorged. Once the milk starts to dry up, I would think you would start feeling better.

And I feel the same way about seeing nursing mothers. I have a friend who nurses, and we went over one day, and she had to do it in front of us while I was making a bottle. Yeah, I was kinda sad. But, think of how happy your son is on formula and how well he's doing!

 

[daddiesgift]

These light at the end of the tunnel stories definitely help a bit. Thank you.
I have to have hubby thaw and toss my milk stash. Lo's belly gets upset when we've tried to combi feed...and every time I open the freezer and see itI lose it.
Its especially hard for me too bc this is going to be our only child. He hhas a daughter who we have full time so hes totally done. Which is a tad disappointing but I know it'll mean I have an even stronger bond to my son. But the fact that bfing was truly a one time opportunity for me makes it so much more painful. I still cry when I think about that part of it..
But he's been sleeping beautifully today on formula and no fussiness minus fighting his sleep a bit.

How long before the crying ends? Our best friends are having their son in August and she is going to bf so I'm kind of nervous how I'm going to react bc we see them all the time...I don't want to cry every time she is bfing or feel jealous of her :/

It will get better I promise! You can look back a couple of pages and see my crazy guilt fueled posts on trying to relactate. I was unable to continue breast feeding either of my kids. I NEVER think about it with #1. Sometimes with #2 I feel that sadness seeing other mothers do it. I dont think it comes from breast feeding itself as I really adore bottle feeding its mostly feeling the failure as a mother or woman that I didnt continue. Thats not the truth at all.

Days, weeks, months and years will go by and youll not give it a thought! Youll see your happy, healthy and smart boy and know that no matter what things turned out for the best. Im sure there will always be some regret as this will be your last but it will get better!

And you never know maybe one day your OH will change his mind and want another baby! Mine was dead set on NEVER EVER having another but now he wants #3 and #2 is only 6 months old! I think they just see the crying, sleepless nights and responsiblity but once that passes its not so bad

I always feel for women who feel the loss of breastfeeding. If you ever need to talk or get anything off your chest you can pm me anytime! Im on here at least once a day Youre doing great momma! Just the fact that his bothers you so much shows how much you love your little. Breastfeeding might have been ideal but formula is not poison, your lo will do great!

 

[VmrsbabcockV]

Thanks so much for the responses. I've been doing ok I'm trying not to let my baby see me upset. I was fixing a bottle while holding him and he wrnt to try and latch on and I lost it again...but I'm trying

This pain is insane though..I leaked through a nursing pad and bra and shirt in about 30min. And they are so rock hard they don't even feel like part of my body.

Lo is doing so well...however since he sleeps so much more on the formula he fights sleeep tooth and nail bc he doesn't wanms go down. He stayed awake for an hr and a half straight earlier though. But then fell asleep. I'd rather him be crying bc he is drowsy and full than bc he is hungry or gassy.

Again thanks so much for the support girls I'm trying to tell myself ill be in your position one day and it'll be ok.

And daddiesgift that's what oh said-that its only upsetting me so much bc I'm such a good mom and love him so much.

 

[daddiesgift]

Just stopped bfing today after struggling with low supply, oald, and just sn unsatisfied fussy baby. I am having a really hard time coping. I pretty much haven't stopped crying since I made the decision last night. Ds is adjusting just fine to formula...he is so much more settled and sleeps so much better bc he is actually full..but I am a wreck. I never thought I'd love bfing so much...I feel so devestated I am losing that closeness I felt when nursing him and right now I just don't know how to cope...I feel guilt over giving him formula even though he no longer fusses and screams after every feeding like he did with most bfing sessions...I am just trying to tell myself this is what is best for him and look how happy and content he is...but its so hard. And my engorged, throbbing chest is a painful and constant reminder that its over

I rly hope I can get over it

I somehow didnt see this post. What is oald? Can you just breast feed and top off with formula so he is full afterward? That way you both get what you want, breastfeeding and a full belly. Have you seen a lactation consultant? Theres always pumping

If you want the pain to go away from engorgement you have to empty the breasts a bit. Not all the way as it will just make you produce more milk but just a little so your breasts think thats all the milk you need so it stops making so much. Then again you can just do what I did and bind yourself! You pretty much strap your breasts as close to your body as possible. I wore reusable breast pads to keep from leaking through and just wore two really tight sports bras. I also took benadryl everyday. Within a day or two the engorgement was gone. I still leaked a little for a month but birth control stopped that the day I started taking it. So then there was no turning back, milk was gone.

 

[VmrsbabcockV]

Overactive letdown. So when the milk lets down it comes shooting out so fast he chokes and sputters. I tried pumping before each feed but I have multiple letdowns per feed...he was just super super gassy afterwards too....we did a few combi feeds either topping off with formula or expressed breast milk but he was even more gassy and would scream ffor like an hour or more...I called a lactation consultant but it costs an arm and a leg for them to actually cocome see you :/

He's been on formula for a day and a hhalf now. He hasn't had any gas problems. He's been sleeping a lot longer. And been staying awake longer without crying just looking around.

I just have to accept this is obviously what's best for him...

I just want the milk to be gone so I can stop crying :/

 

[daddiesgift]

ohh yes me too on the over active let down. I didnt know they had a name for it The lactation consultant I saw..well the last one said I was holding him the wrong way causing him to choke even more! Who wouldve thought something so natural would be so hard Both of my boys had/have a diary protein allergy which made breast feeding even worse with reflux, gas, colic just blah! I dont know if I would pay for a lactation consultant. Not that they arent worth money because they are but if you dont have the money to spend then Id try to find a free one. I saw many over two countries US and Germany and they all had something different to say. Sometimes formula is just the best thing to do for both mom and baby.

I recommend the binding and using benedryl to help dry you up quicker so you can at least stop seeing it right in front of your face. I believe any sinus medicine would work. You can ask your doctor for something to dry you up but mine said they dont really give that out in the US anymore. Its still early days trust me it will get better and if you have to cry right now just cry it will be okay.

And maybe one day youll get a second chance

 

[VmrsbabcockV]

I'm wearing a compression bra and I've been using ice. But ill try the benadryl. Just regular benadryl allergy?

Ya it'll definitely b easier once I don't have this constant reminder...
He's staying a wake longer so wr have more face time but I'm still missing the closeness and bond I felt nursing..I just don't feel that bottle feeding...snd since he's so little and can't rly do much I'm finding it kind of hard to find other ways to bond..I've been cuddling him a lot to try and fill the hole..

And its not at all likely ill get a second chance this was our last one and my one and only. Unless we have another little surprise

 

[Menelly]

Peppermint will also help reduce your milk supply really fast. Drink a cup of peppermint tea every time you can and it'll dry you up pretty fast.

 

[Buddysmum89]

Hey guys!!..Haven't been here in a while..I hope you & your little ones are well

Well, my Formula fed fuzzbuzz is flourishing and getting stronger by the day..He turned 1 on Thursday! ..And since then we've moved him onto grown up milk! (follow on milk 1-2 years) and he absolutely loves it!, will drink his bottle in the morning and not leave any!..Im so pleased with his progress!

People still look down their noses at me when i tell them i dont BF Sebastian, or i haven't since he was around a day and a half old..They moan and think im nuts but at least i wont have the problem of weaning him off my boobs when he gets older!

I still do feel the bitterness when i walk by a new mother with her boobs hanging out feeding her baby!..Part of me does wish id persevered a little more but then i look at Seb' and realise i have a lot more freedom, if i BF'd id have to watch what i ate, not drink coffee..And to me thats too much arseing (pardon my french lol) around for me and i love coffee..Oh and decaf tastes like crap to me so I suppose im lucky in a way i get to eat what I want hehe!

But im still proud to say I have a formula fed, happy and healthy little boy!!..

And attached..A picture of Sebastian on his 1st birthday

 

[Lady H]

Good to read these success stories. I've tried for 4 weeks now to get good latches but LO struggles to get a deep latch resulting in sore nipples and hungry baby. I've been expressing so she has been on breast milk now for the four weeks but I just can't keep expressing. The ladies on here that did for so long are absolute stars.

I cry all the time as I'm currently drying the milk up. I'm so so sad my body is producing loads if milk and I just can't get it in her without having to express. I hope I stop crying soon and stop feeling the loss. It's like somebody has died the grief is so bad.

 

[VmrsbabcockV]

Lady h I cried the the first two days straight. I'm a little better now it gets a little easier every day that I see him so happy and the bonding is still there just in different ways. ♥♥

 

[gflady]

Hi there, glad this thread exists!

I've been advised by a paediatrician to supplement with dairy free formula as I have low milk supply so with that and reflux ds stopped gaining weight. I started doing 2 ffs a day but as each day goes by he's getting more frustrated on the breast and needing more top ups. I fear that at this rate will be fully ff which I'm gutted about. I don't feel ready to stop but like vmrs ds is much happier now. The thought of stopping bf entirely and the worry around making ds ill because he's not predictable enough to prep bottles as the instructions say totally stresses me out .

 

[Emz1982_in_uk]

to you all. My little man is 3 and a half and we stopped the BM at 3 months. He was exclusively BF for two weeks and then combo fed until 12 weeks, on formula fully from then on. I got over it by the time he was 1 but his baby sister is exclusively BF and the guilt came back.

It's weird because our children are happy and healthy yet we still feel crap for not BF them!? I had thrush and mastitis with my son and found it too painful, which is why I feel guilt again because I had exactly the same issues with this baby but managed to see a way through! Why didn't I try harder with my son? Anyway it's too late to change things now and my little dude is a very bright and funny boy. I think I'm again at peace with how he was fed and I'm happy as long as he's happy!