The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[Jendra]

My son has stopped latching on my breast in the morning, the only time he would ever breastfeed. Now it's bottles all the time. Some of it is pumped milk, but most is not. I've been crying. I really wanted to breastfeed. I had planned to all through my pregnancy. I believed in it.

I go to a mom meet up sometimes and I feel so envious and sad when I see the other mothers breastfeed their babies with so much ease. I feel so sad at how things turned out.

 

[Noelle610]

My son has stopped latching on my breast in the morning, the only time he would ever breastfeed. Now it's bottles all the time. Some of it is pumped milk, but most is not. I've been crying. I really wanted to breastfeed. I had planned to all through my pregnancy. I believed in it.

I go to a mom meet up sometimes and I feel so envious and sad when I see the other mothers breastfeed their babies with so much ease. I feel so sad at how things turned out.

I used to feel that way too. I always cried in the bathroom at mommy meet-ups when I saw other women nursing. It gets better, I promise.

 

[shorman]

It took me a long time to stop feeling heartbroken on not breastfeeding I did everything I could but my nipples are so flat I did everything but I nearly died trying I was that depressed and the effort made me feel bitter about my own baby even though I loved her so much I felt bitter and opulent enjoy her at all I had such a traumatic birth we very nearly lost her I woke up e dry night screaming thinking she had died I didn't leave the house for three months wouldn't even let DH hold her, my health visitor saw the signs of very bad PND and it has take me so long to get better i have chronic anxiety but through support and help I feel so proud of my children and you no what I didn't even bother with the other two after everything that happened and even if I had it would have meant more guilt, but I have three healthy happy children but I will admit from they guilt I felt I thank god I have finished with formula the guilt never truly went away but seeing your child's happy healthy also includes us mums I truly believe happy mummy happy baby and I just wanted to say everyone of you ladies are so strong and brilliant mums x

 

[24/7]

xx

 

[chazzette]

hi,

Its 3 months before planned and im pretty upset about it but I have decided to stop breastfeeding. I feel this decision will help both me and Joe. My supply is incredibly low when im exhausted (which is most days at the moment, I have M.E which has gotten a lot worse since being pregnant again!) causing Joe to be extra fussy that he is not getting enough milk, especially overnight. I'm then getting even more stressed and depressed that i cant satisfy him, which in turn means what little sleep i do get is disturbed from over thinking and the cycle starts again. Hopefully this way my health will improve a bit so I can do more with the children without getting upset that Joe is not getting what he needs. We have a small freezer stash of expressed milk to use up and i will wean him off over a few days but within about a week he will be solely on formula (i have been giving him 2 bottles of formula a day for 2 weeks to try and help me but it wasnt enough)

Trying to think of positives to stopping - obviously the health benefits for myself, happier Joe, may help my PND, I can share the feeding responsibility with hubby and family, more time for Imy daughter and I should be able to lose weight easier now

not sure if its coincidence or not but he had more formula than normal yesterday and slept from 7pm - 6am waking up only twice for a total of 45 mins! lovely sleep! x

 

[fides]

well, i'm back in this thread for a 2nd time. my 1st story is earlier in this thread and on the FFF blog - a short version is my milk never came in, even though i tried everything except placenta encapsulation.

This time around, i did try placenta encapsulation, and i was lucky enough to have a little bit of milk come in so i could combi-feed for close to 4 months. i never made nearly enough to feed him full time, but at least i got to experience a bit of nursing with him. We were at 4 nursing sessions (honestly more comfort nursing than actual feeding) a day, every 4 hours during the day. then, all of a sudden, he began refusing to latch - i would try and try, but he'd just scream his head off of me. i don't blame him - i think the milk was gone - when i was able to hand express a drop, it was the clear water-looking stuff that i'd had with son #1. so, yeah, he self-weaned about a week and a half ago, i think.

it makes me sad. the first time around was rough b/c i'd bought into all the BF hype during pregnancy. i was much more educated about infant feeding facts and fiction this time around, but it still HURTS. i know, i know - i should just be thankful that i got to experience combi-feeding, but instead, i'm angry and heart-broken all over again. plus, having had a taste of how much more convenient BF'ing is than preparing/sterilizing/guessing/hungry-baby-screaming-while-waiting/etc with FF, add in jealousy. part of me is glad that the combi-feeding emotional roller coaster has come to a stop, but at the same time, all the feelings of inadequacy and "why can't i nurse too!?!" have all come flooding back.

so, hi, ladies, i'm back.

 

[mrsswaffer]

ladies.

I have decided to gradually stop BFing because I keep getting recurrent mastitis. I feed my son with nipple shields full-time, because he has a shallow latch and massacred my nipples when he fed bareback. The nipple shields have been a godsend - without them, I would have quit after a week. As it turns out, we've done 4.5 months.

However, I have had 4 courses of antibiotics, and this recent bout of mastitis is the third in 4 weeks! Yesterday, I was home alone with Harrison and was throwing up as he screamed his head off. That was the last straw. When this mastitis dies down, it's time to replace feeds with FF.

I have the support of all my family, and it'll be good in the long run because I go back to work in September. And, like my FIL said yesterday, nobody asks if you were breastfed. It's such a small issue in the grand scheme of things.

 

[24/7]

I thought I'd come back after originally posting in here after I had my son and we weren't able to breast feed. I had my little girl a month ago and she has breast fed like a dream from the beginning and so far we have had no issues.

As happy as I am that things have been easier this time, it has also made me realise it wasn't and isn't as important as I thought it was when I couldn't breast feed. Both my children are happy and healthy, and how they are fed makes so difference, it only mattered to me.

When she was first born everything centred around breast feeding and MW's and HV's have been overjoyed that we are, but now she's a month old and back to birth weight, suddenly everyone that cared we were breast feeding to for fill a statistic has gone, the only person that it matters to now is me. Yet when my son was tiny and I had to say he was bottle fed it hurt so much, yet now I am breast feeding it doesn't actually make me feel the way I thought it was, as it is simply feeding her, end of.

I hope it makes sense. xx

 

[Buddysmum89]

I have decided I am never going to clinic to get my baby weighed ever again!!

The person weighing my son asked if he was breast fed to which i shook my head, she then went into a large lecture about how i would of been doing a lot for my baby had i breast fed!, I already felt out of place being there so that made me feel really small!..I then retorted and said well maybe my body had other ideas, it wasn't my choice not to breast feed...She soon shut her wrap after that!

And then i went to sit down to give seb a drink, and continued to get more funny looks when i gave him his bottle to drink...Gahh!!, people really annoy me when they look down their noses at people that cant/dont choose to breast feed!!

 

[daddiesgift]

People always judge before even trying to find out the truth. Even if you just didn't want to breast feed its no ones business! I feel people stare at us all the time but I've gotten use to it.

 

[fides]

aww, sorry to hear about that, Buddysmum.

we a couple over today, a church deacon and his wife - she's very vocal about being pro-BF, which is fine, but i was worried about her saying something to me b/c she'd said some stuff about it when i was pregnant. thankfully, when it was time to feed the baby and i gave him a bottle, she didn't say anything - i was so grateful for that.

i can't wait until DS2 turns 1 b/c after that it just doesn't matter since most babies by then are on cow's milk.

ladies

 

[sillysapling]

I can't express how much I needed this thread.

I had a medical condition and needed a bilateral mastectomy when I was 19. Before the surgery, when I realized I'd need it, I broke down at least once because I knew I was afraid I wouldn't be able to breastfeed. I desperately tried to find a way not to need the surgery, but it wasn't in the cards. The entire pregnancy I felt horrible- I had to keep explaining while people told me about the benefits of breastfeeding. I told more people in the course of 9 months that I'd had surgery than I wanted to tell in my lifetime.

Thanks to recanalization, I'm actually getting a tiny amount of milk- literally a drop at a time. I've tried herbs and drugs and pumping and such to increase how much I'm getting or to spur on the recanalization process... It's been 2 months, and I'm not giving up, but I can't help but wonder if it's actually worth it.

I have a supplement, but it's difficult to get the baby to latch and it's so hard to get up the nerve to work on latching when I can't properly breastfeed.

The worst thing is that my baby does not do well on formula, he is so prone to constipation. We're trying to find a better formula, but we're on WIC so the choices are limited. I hate how much pain this is causing him, I feel like a complete failure.

I hope that no one feels this is insensitive- but I'm grateful when I see people who haven't had surgery talk about difficulties or even failure to breastfeed. I try to remember that I can't actually know that I wouldn't be going through this even without surgery... So many of the pro-BF people and things I've seen act as though breastfeeding is easy for everyone.

When my baby's happy, it's a lot easier to forget and feel like it doesn't matter. But when I'm sitting there, massaging the stomach of a crying baby, knowing he's in pain and I can't really do anything to help- I feel like the worst parent in the world.

My mom breastfed long enough that I actually have a few memories of it. I don't remember the taste or the nutritional benefit- I remember the feeling of comfort and safety. I'm really hoping to get the supplement sorted out, I hope that will help me feel better about this.

 

[daddiesgift]

Silly- sorry to hear of your struggles. I agree that people making bfing seem easy to everyone but its far from it. Good for you for trying to stick with it. What kind of formula is he on? How old is he? With WIC if you get a prescription from your doctor for a certain formula they will cover it. I know in our state they provide similac products so if you are on advance you can get doctor to say you need similac for sensitive tummies and WIC will give you that. #1 was horribly constipated on soy. It's hard for babies to digest the protein in cows milk or soy milk same as cows and soy formula. Has doctor talked to you of that? If LO is old enough to try a little juice prune juice helps loosen stools.

With #1 one thing that my sister who has breastfed all three of her children told me that really helped was, breast fed babies have same problems as formula fed babies . Formula is not posion. Breastfed babies get constipation too, trapped gas, allergies, reflux ect don't feel like a bad mother when you are trying your best.

 

[Kage76]

well, i'm back in this thread for a 2nd time. my 1st story is earlier in this thread and on the FFF blog - a short version is my milk never came in, even though i tried everything except placenta encapsulation.

This time around, i did try placenta encapsulation, and i was lucky enough to have a little bit of milk come in so i could combi-feed for close to 4 months. i never made nearly enough to feed him full time, but at least i got to experience a bit of nursing with him. We were at 4 nursing sessions (honestly more comfort nursing than actual feeding) a day, every 4 hours during the day. then, all of a sudden, he began refusing to latch - i would try and try, but he'd just scream his head off of me. i don't blame him - i think the milk was gone - when i was able to hand express a drop, it was the clear water-looking stuff that i'd had with son #1. so, yeah, he self-weaned about a week and a half ago, i think.

it makes me sad. the first time around was rough b/c i'd bought into all the BF hype during pregnancy. i was much more educated about infant feeding facts and fiction this time around, but it still HURTS. i know, i know - i should just be thankful that i got to experience combi-feeding, but instead, i'm angry and heart-broken all over again. plus, having had a taste of how much more convenient BF'ing is than preparing/sterilizing/guessing/hungry-baby-screaming-while-waiting/etc with FF, add in jealousy. part of me is glad that the combi-feeding emotional roller coaster has come to a stop, but at the same time, all the feelings of inadequacy and "why can't i nurse too!?!" have all come flooding back.

so, hi, ladies, i'm back.

Oh fides, im so sorry it didn't work out this time. I know how much you went through to try.

 

[fides]

sillysap - i can't imagine how intrusive that's had to have been for you - you shouldn't have to explain your medical history to people! I believe bottle feeders can still give the feelings of comfort and safety to their babies with a bottle, just by the way you hold them and gaze into their eyes.

thanks, Kage - nice to see you - how are you doing these days? happy belated 2nd bday to Sophie!

 

[sillysapling]

daddiesgift- LO was on the enfamil premium infant, and it caused SO much distress, it was hell- we switched to GentleEase, and he got so much better. The WIC where we are won't cover that, so we're trying the soy based (ProSoBee or something) that they will cover. There's a history of lactose intolerance in my family- my dad had to be given goat's milk as a young child. The first time we got formula, before we got WIC, I got soy-based and it didn't cause the same problems.

The pediatrician won't write a note, he insisted that we just got lucky with the timing and it's not the formula. I'm not buying that at all. I'm hoping WIC won't need a doctor's note for the soy-based formula, we'll talk to them at the appointment next week.

He's only 2 months, I don't think it's old enough to try much juice. The midwives who attended the birth suggested that we try a small amount of watered-down prune juice (1/8 oz prune juice in 1/2 oz water), but he just spits it back up every time we gave it to him.

fides- Thank you! I hope that that's enough, but the first few days- the baby would take the bottle, eat his fill, then root around, and he still roots on my chest sometimes and tries to latch on, so I still think he'll like it if I can get the supplement working.

 

[vintagecat]

Sillysapling, I struggled with an incredibly constipated and fussy baby for weeks and weeks on end in the early days of breastfeeding until I realized she was sensitive to dairy products. I had to cut out all dairy from my diet! She was also sensitive to me eating citrus, tomatoes, chocolate, and tea. It was so frustrating and upsetting to know that every little thing I did would end up bothering her with nursing. I even tried giving her a bit of formula a couple times, but it just upset her stomach more. Baby tummies are sensitive no matter how they are fed it seems!

 

[sillysapling]

vintagecat- thank you for sharing that. I'm pretty sure that baby gets the fussy stomach from me (I've had stomach problems all my life), it would probably still show up even if LO was breastfed, and I saw someone online who had to stop BFing because formula turned out to be easier on her baby than her milk. I try to remember that BFing isn't always perfect and easy, and it wouldn't fix all our problems.

 

[julybaby2013]

I just gave birth to my 2nd son on 6/29. I had such high hopes BFing would work this time...not working didn't even cross my mind.

With my first born in 2009 his latch was very painful. We also had a difficult delivery/immediate post-partum time and didn't get to try BFing for 5 hours after his birth. I kept telling them in the hospital something wasn't right. They all checked his latch and said it was fine and the pain would get better. One LC slapped a nipple shield on me and sent me on my way. The pain didn't get any better. I kept calling the LCs and they said all sounded normal. I went in for an outpatient appt at 3 weeks and this LC finally put her finger in my son's mouth as he sucked and found he had a very high hard palate. He couldn't get my nipple far enough in his mouth to the soft palate and was pinching my nipple with every suck. The nipple shield helped some but he wasn't getting as much as he could with an effective latch. We went to a chiropractor specializing in cranio-sacral therapy for infants. She worked on his mouth but by this point I was done! I was depressed, in horrible pain and not bonded to my baby at all! I tried exclusively pumping but was never able to get more than 1-1 1/2 ounces each time even pumping every 2 hours. I decided I didn't want to be tied to a pump rather than bonding with my baby and I stopped. He was formula fed from about 5 weeks on. He's now 4 and is healthy and smart as a whip! Of course looking back to 4 years ago I knew we had issues but I thought they were all related to his palate issue and this time would be different.

While this baby was on the way I made sure that my delivery would be as pro-breastfeeding as possible (all natural, immediate skin-to-skin and BFing after delivery, etc). I even encapsulated my placenta to help with PPD and increase milk supply. Everything with the delivery went great and he rooted around for my breast immediately after being on my chest. He latched and I felt that same white hot searing pain I felt with my first! Oh no! This can't be happening again! Everyone said, "It shouldn't hurt like that." They looked at his latch and said it looked good but I was in tears just hours later feeling that pain and remembering the physical/emotional pain of 4 years ago. The LC came to see me and worked on his latch. He was pinching my nipples some but she didn't feel any issues with his mouth. Nurses and an LC said, "Well, you're fair skinned and redheaded...it often hurts more for women like you." No one could explain why I had this terrible pain. We got home and kept at it. The pain seemed to be getting a little bit better but I was also having to take motrin around the clock to be able to stand it. He was also feeding every 45-90 min during the day and only ever went longer sometimes at night. He'd latch on and fall asleep almost every time and it was a huge struggle to get him to finish a feeding. At 10 days I went to a BFing support group meeting to have the LC check his latch. She looked at him for a couple seconds and said, "He's pinching. You just need to keep unlatching and relatching till he gets it right." So, I tried that later that evening - unlatching/relatching 4 times during a feeding (and the latch was the most painful part!). After that my breasts burned so badly that I barely made it through the feedings that night. The next day I tried a nipple shield and that didn't help anything and my little one had trouble latching on with that. That's when I decided I was done. I went and got formula. I had rented a hospital grade pump this time because I thought for sure my poor response to the pump the first time was because it wasn't strong enough. No, I still only got a max of 2 ounces and that was just the first time. The pumping was painful as well and I decided it wasn't worth me being hooked up to that pump to give less than half of what he needed when I needed to be bonding with my son!

I felt very much at peace with my decision this past Thursday but now I'm very sad about it and grieving the loss of this experience again! We took an outing yesterday and I had to make my first formula bottle and I just knew everyone was watching me (I know they weren't but that's how it felt). I know my son will be healthy and happy and thrive but it still hurts emotionally! I still feel like I should have done more - I see moms doing all kinds of things to get BFing to work but I just didn't want to go through all that and sometimes I feel like that makes me less of a mom. I guess I'd just rather bond with my baby than be tied to pump, shoving down supplements and resenting him every time he wanted to eat! I'm glad I found this group - I had trouble finding a group focused on FF that was active.

 

[Lady H]

July I'm so sorry you have had this happen again. Your experience sounds similar to mine, and it's heartbreaking. I didn't bond with my baby as I became obsessed with the feeding. I too experienced pain even when the latch was good. It sounds like you did more than enough to prepare yourself this time. And even doing this you should be proud, as most people after your first experience would just opt to ff from the start. Babies don't remember how they are fed, they remember a loving happy environment that you are creating now by making the feeding work for you both. I made a formula feed in front of three ladies breastfeeding. I dare them to comment! I'm proud that I'm brave enough to make the right decisions for me and my baby, and I don't care if they want to judge me. We are both happy and healthy and you are too. Xxx