The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[may22]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post - I'm so glad to find this thread.

I'm about to begin the transition from bf to formula and I'm absolutely heartbroken about it. My daughter is 7 and a half weeks and I've really struggled with low milk supply - I can only keep up with her by pumping after feedings and giving her bottles of expressed milk after every feeding. For the last couple of weeks, it's been a gruelling cycle of breastfeeding (she always wants more after I feed her), bottle feeding and pumping while in constant floods of tears. Sadly, nothing has worked to increase my supply.

After lots of soul searching I've decided that I can't go on like this. I'm not spending any positive time with my daughter and I feel like she and I are missing out on so much - our entire relationship is about feeding and my anxiety level is through the roof. I feel particularly guilty because I have managed to feed her well and she's had good weight gain - but it's been a full-time and hugely stressful job. I know I'll never be able to simply breastfeed her then cuddle a contented baby and that breaks my heart.

It's good to know that I'm not alone and other people have experienced these feelings too. Grief is absolutely the right word - I hope it will lessen over time.

 

[NIKKIA]

Glad I found this my son is 10 days old and was low birth weight so Had to be supplemented from first hour I have been hand expressing and pumping as he's not latching well at all, I have also had non cosmetic breast surgery in the past which has affected my supply. We have decided to do all formula and I feel awful about it but deep down know its the best for me and my son. I put away my breast pads and sobbed it is like a grief and guilt and I feel embarrassed which I know is silly. I feel I gave it my best shot though. x

 

[daddiesgift]

Its okay ladies, it will get better. Its so hard in the early days stop breast feeding. But youll see in the end the only thing that matters is you and your baby is happy and loved. I never knew if I was formula or breast fed till I stopped breastfeeding my own, I was only bf for 6 months when my mother told me that I didnt feel anything. It didnt matter. She loved me, stopped bfing because she just didnt want to do it anymore. I doubt after all the love I give my boys that they will grow up to be bitter about the fact I didnt breastfeed them!

It may take months or even years but you will get over stopping bfing. It matters more to you then it does your babies, they will love you and know you did the best no matter what.

 

[Kittenscales]

This is my first post in the FF section. I have just given my son what I think will be his last BF.

He was ebf till 5 months, he has been combi fed since 5 months and is now 6.5months. He has slowly weaned himself onto the bottle and refuses boob at all feeds except his first morning feed.

I didn't want to give up, I wanted to feed him till I went back to work at Xmas time. I know I've done well to get this far but I feel so much guilt.

I feel such sadness and loss. I feel like the closeness and bond we has is gone. I miss out sleepy, milky cuddles and the feeling I was nurturing him. I feel like I have failed him. I feel like I love him less by FF. I feel embarrassed to tell people he is now FF. this is no slight on FF mums but simply how I'm feeling. I know when I'm irrational but its how I feel just now.

Does it get easier or will I always have this guilt that I gave up?

 

[daddiesgift]

It does get better. Im sorry you feel that way. I never had the bond of breastfeeding, I know everyone is different but you can still do everything you were doing while breastfeeding. You can still hold baby close and hold the bottle, you can still have skin to skin time, you can still cuddle. The only difference is the type of nipple in babies mouth. Nothing love wise has to change. I hate that women are made to feel so horrible about formula feeding that they think they love their baby less! I formula feed my baby and I dont see how I could possibly love him anymore. I felt bad at first, mostly because what people made me feel like but now I love bottle feeding.

My toddler will be 2 in a month, he received formula for 9 months he is the smartest, healthiest boy out there. The doctors always say how smart he is for his age and how great he is growing and thriving. He has been sick once in his life, when he got the flu..from me. He hasnt had ear infections or all these things they tell you formula will cause. Hes not over weight or smelly, or developmentally or physically behind kids his age. Breast is best no contest but formula is not poison. It wont change the love you have for your baby, it wont make you a bad parent, it wont make your child stupid, or unhealthy. When our babies, bodies, or mind stop breastfeeding formula is there to help your child grow and thrive.

When your child is no longer a baby who is going to ask if they were breastfed? No one. When your child finds out that breastfeeding didnt last till the ideal age of toddler hood will he stop loving you? No.

 

[Tournesol]

My heart is breaking reading these posts. I feel so so sorry for all you ladies who have been made to feel like failures for stopping breastfeeding or for not being able to bf at all. None of you are anything other than beautiful, wonderful, loving mothers.
I think it's so sad that women get sneered at and looked down on by smug women who ebf without issues and act like breastfeeding nazis. It's so wrong.

I'm here on this thread because today I decided it's time to stop breastfeeding. Baby will be 3 months next week. He was ebf for his first month, then he had a bottle of formula before bed for another month. Then an extra bottle in the day. The last few weeks he has been getting bigger and bigger and hungrier and hungrier and I feel that my milk just isn't enough to fill him up and I'm just not enjoying feeding him like I used to. The last week or so, he's gone back to waking every 2 hours in the night as he's so hungry and I feel like I've got a newborn again!
So the time has come for us to move on. Honestly I feel a little sad that the end of bf has come, but happy and excited, not to mention liberated, to move on to the next stage.
Now I would like to establish a routine with my baby, it was impossible before as I was just feeding on demand. People would ask me "what time does he feed?" or "how many times a day" and look at me like I had no idea what I was doing when I said that I feed on demand.
Anyway, this post is longer than I intended it to be and baby is due a formula feed! So please ladies, don't feel guilty or worthless or anything else. Do what is best for your baby and ignore the BF Nazis!

 

[fides]

This is my first post in the FF section. I have just given my son what I think will be his last BF.

He was ebf till 5 months, he has been combi fed since 5 months and is now 6.5months. He has slowly weaned himself onto the bottle and refuses boob at all feeds except his first morning feed.

I didn't want to give up, I wanted to feed him till I went back to work at Xmas time. I know I've done well to get this far but I feel so much guilt.

I feel such sadness and loss. I feel like the closeness and bond we has is gone. I miss out sleepy, milky cuddles and the feeling I was nurturing him. I feel like I have failed him. I feel like I love him less by FF. I feel embarrassed to tell people he is now FF. this is no slight on FF mums but simply how I'm feeling. I know when I'm irrational but its how I feel just now.

Does it get easier or will I always have this guilt that I gave up?

for me, it didn't get easier the first time around until he was on cow's milk after 12 months, but for every woman, it's different. allow yourself to grieve a bit, but know that you do NOT love him less for bottle feeding. hang in there and

My heart is breaking reading these posts. I feel so so sorry for all you ladies who have been made to feel like failures for stopping breastfeeding or for not being able to bf at all. None of you are anything other than beautiful, wonderful, loving mothers.
I think it's so sad that women get sneered at and looked down on by smug women who ebf without issues and act like breastfeeding nazis. It's so wrong.

I'm here on this thread because today I decided it's time to stop breastfeeding. Baby will be 3 months next week. He was ebf for his first month, then he had a bottle of formula before bed for another month. Then an extra bottle in the day. The last few weeks he has been getting bigger and bigger and hungrier and hungrier and I feel that my milk just isn't enough to fill him up and I'm just not enjoying feeding him like I used to. The last week or so, he's gone back to waking every 2 hours in the night as he's so hungry and I feel like I've got a newborn again!
So the time has come for us to move on. Honestly I feel a little sad that the end of bf has come, but happy and excited, not to mention liberated, to move on to the next stage.
Now I would like to establish a routine with my baby, it was impossible before as I was just feeding on demand. People would ask me "what time does he feed?" or "how many times a day" and look at me like I had no idea what I was doing when I said that I feed on demand.
Anyway, this post is longer than I intended it to be and baby is due a formula feed! So please ladies, don't feel guilty or worthless or anything else. Do what is best for your baby and ignore the BF Nazis!

hope the transition goes smoothly for you

 

[Vickie]

A reminder of forum rules and TOS so that this thread doesn't get shut down:

Antisocial, discriminatory or offensive messages (intended or otherwise) aimed at the community at large, certain demographics (including parenting styles) or specific members, are not permitted.

Please refrain from using terms such as "breastfeeding Nazis" on the forum.

 

[fieryphoenix]

The last few weeks he has been getting bigger and bigger and hungrier and hungrier and I feel that my milk just isn't enough to fill him up and I'm just not enjoying feeding him like I used to. The last week or so, he's gone back to waking every 2 hours in the night as he's so hungry and I feel like I've got a newborn again!
So the time has come for us to move on. Honestly I feel a little sad that the end of bf has come,

You know that your lo is just going through a growth spurt, right? Your milk is plenty for him, he is just upping your supply by nursing. FYI

 

[fides]

I thought this week's post at the FFF was exceptional - https://www.fearlessformulafeeder.com/2013/07/announcing-the-i-support-you-movement/ - thought you ladies might enjoy reading that

time we stop judging each other and start giving real support, not our own opinions or negativity.

i also clicked on the blogs of the 2 women who are in her with it - one is a BF'ing mommy, and one is a mom who has both bottle fed and nursed.

ladies - I support you!!!

https://www.fearlessformulafeeder.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/I-support-you-logo.jpg

 

[Emz1982_in_uk]

We are all brilliant mummies and the only thing that matters is that we love and protect our children. I'm finally over not breastfeeding my son for very long. He amazes me everyday. Breast milk didn't make him the funny, happy little boy that he is, love did. You are all wonderful mummies

 

[fides]

I'm having a rough day. A friend of mine admitted that when she sees a mom nursing a baby, she's filled with "warm fuzzies," but when she sees a mom giving a baby a bottle, she wonders what happened and if the baby's getting enough. I know she didn't mean anything by it and was just being honest, but it still hurts.

 

[daddiesgift]

Getting enough what? I hate the judgement between moms.

Last night after seeing something about extended nursing my OH told me he thought it was wrong. I told him depending how old and he said no in general he feels its wrong. And that he never wanted to tell me when I was doing it but he felt uncomfortable! I knew he didnt like me pumping. I didn't really go in depth with it but made feel like no matter what, man or woman, bottle or boob someone is always watching thinking something!

 

[fides]

Getting enough what? I hate the judgement between moms.

Last night after seeing something about extended nursing my OH told me he thought it was wrong. I told him depending how old and he said no in general he feels its wrong. And that he never wanted to tell me when I was doing it but he felt uncomfortable! I knew he didnt like me pumping. I didn't really go in depth with it but made feel like no matter what, man or woman, bottle or boob someone is always watching thinking something!

That's what i wondered too - enough food? nutrients? I have no idea.

Sorry to hear about your OH not liking the pumping - do you mean he feels all nursing is wrong?

You're right - it's always going to be something. We happen to have two pink cloth diapers that my sons wear - I'm sure there are people out there who would have a problem with that.

 

[daddiesgift]

With #1 my husband was deployed to Afghanistan for a year. We talked on phone about me nursing and he was all for it. He was able to come home for birth then had to return when he was 3 days old so he saw the hardship of nursing in the early days. With #2 he was home so I think seeing me stress and cry and pump all the time, then him seeing my nipples so raw just really freaked him out. Like most women he thought it was pop your nipple in baby eats your done! So seeing the hardships he thinks its not suppose to be like that and doesn't get why anyone breast feeds. I told him not everyone has problems! So he doesn't think it's wrong in a sexual manner or no one should nurse he just thinks its wrong to go through hardships to do it when there is easier options. He's supportive and I told him with #3 I'd like to try again and he said he'll support that even though he doesn't agree with it.

Today at playgroup I was holding my baby and a mom asked me if I was still breast feeding him and I thought here we go! "No I stopped when he was 9 days old,we had a hard time and I just didn't want to go through what I did with my toddler" she pointed to my breast and said "oh I just thought he was hungry" I look down and he's got my whole tank top pulled down bra and breast completely out! that kid! I said "no he just likes playing with my boobs!" She laughed and continued on to telling me how she tried pumping with her daughter but eventually stopped after a few months. So we were able to share our expierences.

 

[fides]

ROFL!!! Thanks for sharing that - that just made my day.

 

[Emz1982_in_uk]

bottle or breast fed all kids love the boobies regardless ha ha

 

[Firstinflight]

Wondering if all this guilt imposed by feeding my baby formula after he was 3 weeks old is really true. My ex mother in law forced me to wean and im still pretty upset about it. Any thoughts?

 

[MumMumMum]

Having a bad day. My SIL is bf my niece and is always putting status' on facebook about it. Every one is like a stab in the gut. Tonight's one was about her weight loss. I already feel like a whale I just didn't need it!

I hate how a feeding decision can make me feel so bad. I actually question myself as a mum whilst knowing I love my girls so much it's incredible.

I have had such a hard time before and after dd2 was born and my marriage has been hard work. We haven't told anyone but it makes me want to shout it at people as I feel like everyone is judging me

 

[fides]

awww