The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[Emz1982_in_uk]

 

[30Poppy]

Thx for this thread. It really helps to know im not the only one going through this.

My lo is 2 wks and hasn't latched since day 1. I've tried all sorts, nipple shields, bf experts etc but she's not interested. I've bottled fed since day 1 but am coming to the conclusion that it'll never happen and to just accept that she'll be exclusively ff but its hard to let go of the guilt, esp as she didn't even get a few weeks of breast milk.

 

[fides]

aww,

my first didn't get any breast milk from me, either (milk never came in)

i know it's hard

 

[daddiesgift]

Oh fides I love your tickers!! I may have to steal some

 

[theroselegacy]

I wish I had known about this thread weeks ago. I'm surprised at all the moms, like myself, who have struggled with breastfeeding and had to end up formula feeding. My daughter is 7 weeks today. From day one she would not latch. When I found out she was tongue tied I wanted to attribute my failure to breastfeed to her physical inability to do so. The problem was corrected immediately, however, as the weeks went by it seemed nothing changed. I think what's hard, and I don't know if any of you moms you can relate, it that breastfeeding is always portrayed as this natural, easy thing. It's shown as relaxing, instinctive, and allows for bonding. I had that vision in my mind and was unbelievably disappointed. My daughter would never latch, she would cry hysterically when I tried to work patiently with her. I ended up feeling stressed, anxious and discouraged those first few weeks and felt like my failure to breastfeed affected my relationship with my baby in a negative way. As of today I am in the process of drying out my milk. It's been one of the hardest things to do, because I finally realize I'm admitting defeat. I know I shouldn't look at it that way, but I was so sure I would be able to succeed. I just got to a point where I was so exhausted and couldn't keep up with anything. I felt so alone in this struggle because everyone I knew was breastfeeding, so the support and understanding in this thread is amazing.

 

[fides]

Thanks, daddiesgift! It's the first formula feeder badge I've found that didn't seem like I was apologizing, if that makes sense, so that's why I picked it.

therose, I think a lot of us can totally relate - I've been thinking about this recently, about how nursing is portrayed as something that's so natural/normal/etc. To me, it's kind of like giving birth - it isn't always a super wonderful, natural thing filled with joy - the sad fact is that a lot of the time things happen and interventions or c-sections are needed. Pregnant moms know this, and while a lot of moms go into labor hoping to avoid interventions/c-sections, they all know in the back of their mind that there's a possibility that their ideal birth just may not work out in the end. Yet when it comes to nursing, it's kind of expected that you and your baby will be able to - that you just have to try hard enough or want it enough - so if it actually doesn't happen, it's a big shock. I'm probably not making sense.

Anyway, big as you dry out.

 

[Emz1982_in_uk]

Fides that is a great ticker. Wish it was out when I had my son x

 

[baileybubs]

Thanks for this thread. My LG is 5 months now and although I don't feel so much guilty about it as I know I made the decision that was best for my daughter, I do get made to feel guilty by other people's comments. Sometimes they aren't even aimed at me and may seem like harmless comments to those who say it but I find it really hurts me. The ones that hurt me the most are when people say to a mum-to-be or brand new mum "keep at it with the breastfeeding, if you just persevere and try hard enough it will work".
These comments sometimes make me feel as though I gave up and if I had carried on I would have been successful but my daughter just would not latch at all. One MW had a theory it was because my breasts are large and nipples very broad so we tried nipple sheilds but nothing worked.

 

[daddiesgift]

I find comments like that to hurt me too. Or "everyone has trouble in the beginning but it gets better" somehow making my situation normal and like I didn't try hard enough.

 

[baileybubs]

I find comments like that to hurt me too. Or "everyone has trouble in the beginning but it gets better" somehow making my situation normal and like I didn't try hard enough.

Exactly, makes me feel like everyone struggled the way I did and I just didn't have the strength to persevere, or worse that somehow I don't love my daughter enough to have kept on going!

I know people don't mean to be hurtful with it but I just think people need to look at how they word things sometimes.

 

[gflady]

We completely stopped breastfeeding a week ago and even though I know it was the right decision I'm still gutted and feel guilty. I really miss it. Not sure if it's making me broody for the next one or if I'm genuinely broody x

 

[Lady_Bee]

Just popping in... I've not been around the baby forums in a while but big hugs to all you ladies! It really is tough when it doesn't work and I find those comments about "just persevering" quite frustrating too, even now when my son is 18 months old and our breastfeeding ordeal is more of a distant memory.

I'm pregnant with my second now and quite worried that I may have to repeat the heartbreak of not producing enough milk. I hope not, but I am making a promise to myself not to stress so much if it doesn't work again. My son is turning into such a wonderful, smart, healthy, and loving little boy. There is just not one single part of him that would be improved by him having had more breastmilk from me!

 

[baileybubs]

Aw that's lovely lady bee thanks for that! My daughter is now 5 months and she is also a happy healthy amazing little ball of energy and love and I agree there's nothing about her that could be improved with more breast milk either!

 

[MumMumMum]

ladies

I was reading a debate on facebook about weaning and using made or bought food. I still make nearly all of dd1's meals myself (as in sauce etc from scratch) and she might have fish fingers with potato shapes once a week as a treat. I plan to do the same for dd2.

I read a comment where they said all home made and then listed nuggets, jetters etc. To me that's not home made (unless she meat she was making her own nuggets but it didn't read that way). Before I said anything I read a comment which said it's all choice and it is no different to making ff mums bad for not bf. How true.

I guess every decision can be judged. I find it odd that a friend with loads of money hasn't sent her kid to nursery a few sessions a week for the social benefit where as I have paid for dd1 to go since I went back to work after mat leave. We don't have the money to spare as such but I feel it's just as important as our other bills.

After reading the comments and thinking about other judgements I have made I have decided to stop judging and feeling judged. Yes, my SIL managed bf second time around but so what. I disagree with a lot of her other choices. I'm not going to feel bad everytime she gets her boob out or I get a bottle. I made my choice for my whole family and what is best. That includes my ff baby.

Hope my realisation helps at least one more mummy. BF or FF is only one of many choices we make for our kids. Lets not beat ourselves up about it anymore.

Edited to add: i'm lucky to have free childcare from grandparents which is why dd1 didn't have to go to nursery.

 

[Smiler82]

Hello...just need to get the guilt off my chest! I'm so pleased to see this thread here. We just made the choice to switch to FF and I just feel so bad about it. I feel like I'm giving up at the first hurdle and being the laziest mum in the world! I had a difficult time after the birth and though I did manage to BF the first couple of weeks over time it just seemed like I wasn't satisfying DS and he was crying for food every hour. I tried expressing to see how much I could get from one breast and could only get 80 ml. After 5 days of hourly feeds and me being exhausted, I cracked and told DH to make up a bottle with some ready-to-eat milk we had. DS guzzled it down, had no wind after and slept for 3 hours straight. So we now know he needs 130-150ml each feed so we guess that my milk supply was just a little short, probably due to all the blood loss etc after the birth. I know you can work to build up your supply but the fact that he gets very uncomfortable after a breast feed but not after a bottle feed was another reason we decided to switch to formula. Initially I felt like it was a real weight off my shoulders but within hours the guilt and sadness kicked in and I keep crying! Yesterday I decided to try FF in the day and BF at night but it was the worst night ever, only a couple of hours sleep, and they were not consecutive!

I'm now fighting the urge to express - my breasts are huge and painful and I really want to empty them but I don't think I should. Even expressed breast milk made him uncomfortable after the feed, he didn't sleep so well, and was wanting more food soon afterwards. I suppose it's just he doesn't get on so well with my milk, so rationally it makes sense to do formula. When I was pg I said if I ended up on formula I wouldn't beat myself up about it, but here I am doing exactly that! The breastfeeding support service keep ringing me to see how things are going and this morning I outright lied and said everything was fine and we were having no problems I just didn't have the energy to get into a conversation about persevering and all the various things I can try to keep him on the breast. The health visitor is coming round in 15 minutes too and I'm dreading telling her we've made this change. Luckily DH is working at home today so he'll be my back up if she gets funny about it. I do think there is a lot of pressure to BF - since the birth no one uttered the word 'formula' it's all been bf bf bf.

Anyway, just wanted to write it all down! Thanks for posting this thread xx

 

[Tweak0605]

Oh Smiler!! I'm so sorry to see you on this thread. I'm sorry to see that you are having so much guilt over stopping BFing. I will say that over time, the guilt will get better. While I do still have some guilty feelings over not being able to BF, I'm so much better then those first few weeks or when I decided to stop pumping. Things will get better!! You waited so long for this miracle little boy, that you shouldn't be stressing over the little things like BF or FF. I hope things get better for you soon. PM me if you want to chat

 

[Smiler82]

Tweak, thank you so much you're right, we waited so long for him it's not worth the stress. I saw a friend today from my yoga pregnancy class and she went through the exact same thing so knowing I'm not alone really helps. And talking on here too xx

 

[sillysapling]

LO has NEVER been good with formula... I thought we found one that'd work, but it's starting to have the same problems. I did some digging, and it looks like the palm oil may be the problem (I also found out how many things that are awful for babies but allowed in formulas ). It's so hard to find formulas without palm oil in the US...

I'm trying to find something that might be better, but I'm just dreading having to deal with an adjustment and holding my breath about how it'll work- especially while in school.

I hate formula so much. If my baby was doing well on formula, I don't think I'd ever have spared a second thought for breastfeeding- but formula is just not working for us, and it kills me. It kills me that I really like using the sling, and am hoping to get a wrap, but it's so hard to bottle feed in it- but baby's kept at the perfect position to breastfeed.

I'm trying to do better about this. Trying to remember that it's just a little while, it'll pass. But we're going to have to do this again with any other babies we have. It makes me want to never again have children.
It breaks my heart... The only food I can offer my baby causes so many problems. And it just costs SO MUCH...
At least if I was breastfeeding, I could monitor what I'm eating and try to get rid of the bad. With formula- I just have to accept the crap that corporations shove out to make money. I doubt any of them actually care about babies.

Our @#$@#%^%&@(*&@^$%# pediatrician is worthless about this. Actually straight up told me that babies NEVER have problems with formula- any benefit/problem is just a coincidence, apparently EVERY SINGLE TIME you switch formula, magically at that same moment your baby goes through a change. *throws confetti* We're trying to find a new pediatrician... Ugh, none of the pediatricians in the area are any good. People who can afford better insurance go out of state, it's so bad!

 

[fides]

ladies

 

[GreyGirl]

Does anyone else feel like when they're out and about and bottle feeding in public they have to explain and justify why they're bottle feeding instead of breast? I'm less inclined to do this now, but I have a lot in the past. I'm sure the person walking past and smiling didn't need our whole story...oops!
I also often curse having to wash/sterilise the bottles...grumbling that it's another reason I wish BF had worked out...that and the fact I was hoping it'd help me lose weight.