The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[Snugggs]

I have been reading, but found it hard to keep track if the conversation on my phone..... But just wanted to come on and wish you all a positive, smiley day xxx

 

[MrsPOP]

I got no information about bottle feeding when I was PG and a crappy leafet on BF. Hence why I support the need to provide basic info to mothers about FF (not promoting it) as Ive seen too many women making up formula incorrectly. And obv I would like more BF info whilst PG and more support postnatally.

Next time, Im going to be going to more proactive and arm myself with as much knowledge and support as I can.

 

[vintage67]

I truly felt "knowledgeable" Mrs. Pop. Had taken the classes, had the fancy pump, had done a lot of reading. Not trying to be negative. Just a reminder that sometimes it doesn't work even with lots of support.

What a night I've had online! Went in search of some formula coupons earlier. Big mistake. The things google will pull up and apparently I'm too spineless to not click on things about formula that I shouldn't!

 

[MrsPOP]

Oh I know that completely vintage you're not being negative you're being realistic xxx

 

[darkangel1981]

Is it so wrong i keep thinking about what i will do different with the next baby?

Im not even planning to TTC yet but i find myself trying to plan everything already?

Feel like im just settling myself up to fail cause im setting such high expectations... i will BF, i will have a VBAC.... i know realistically i don't think i will be allowed to deliver myself.

Sorry for the moan, im feeling a bit today and im pretty useless at talking about this sort of stuff.

 

[Snuffy]

I was lucky as when bf didn't work out with Amy, the very next day my midwife went through formula prep with me "off the record"- both the 'right' way and the premade way that most people end up doing anyway.

I got a leaflet at the hospital this time but it only covered the fresh feed each time method, which naturally I ignored the moment I got home as 30 minutes with hungry upset child v 30 seconds in the microwave with premade formula = no brainer.

 

[buddyIV]

See, this is where I realise how inconsistent things are... I didn't even get a book!

 

[buddyIV]

Is it so wrong i keep thinking about what i will do different with the next baby?

Im not even planning to TTC yet but i find myself trying to plan everything already?

Feel like im just settling myself up to fail cause im setting such high expectations... i will BF, i will have a VBAC.... i know realistically i don't think i will be allowed to deliver myself.

Sorry for the moan, im feeling a bit today and im pretty useless at talking about this sort of stuff.

I can sympathise! I keep giving myself pep-talks about BF the next one (we won't even consider TTC until I've finished my PhD in 2013!!), and I've already started researching the possibility of me being able to deliver naturally again. I ended up with a 4th degree tear, and have had surgery to try and deal with the damage, and I've been recommended a c-sec. We'll see!

In the end we won't have total control over the result, but we can try to be as positive about things as possible. xxx

 

[fides]

Is it so wrong i keep thinking about what i will do different with the next baby?

Im not even planning to TTC yet but i find myself trying to plan everything already?

Feel like im just settling myself up to fail cause im setting such high expectations... i will BF, i will have a VBAC.... i know realistically i don't think i will be allowed to deliver myself.

Sorry for the moan, im feeling a bit today and im pretty useless at talking about this sort of stuff.

i'm the same way - i keep thinking next time will be different, if there is a next time.

 

[lovelylaura]

I got no information about bottle feeding when I was PG and a crappy leafet on BF. Hence why I support the need to provide basic info to mothers about FF (not promoting it) as Ive seen too many women making up formula incorrectly. And obv I would like more BF info whilst PG and more support postnatally.

Next time, Im going to be going to more proactive and arm myself with as much knowledge and support as I can.

I didnt get any info on ff , at the midwife she asked how i was going to feed and i said bf if i could and well i obviously couldnt so my OH had to sort it all out for me i didnt even have any formula 'just in case'. he made up her bottle for the first 10 days i had watched him and it all looked fine but when the HV came we had been doing it wrong putting formula in first then water. i was so upset i understand that they shouldnt promote formula but for people like me who didnt even think to read up about it before baby as i was so sure i would bf it was crap tbh

 

[Celesse]

Having just had my new baby I really feel that it was a bit of a healing process for the traumas suffered last time even though I've had new challenges this time. I feel positive about my VBAC even though I had forceps and ended up readmitted with sepsis and needing a scrape.

I can now think about the period I was at home with my daughter and she cried non stop, once for 19 hours straight because she was hungry (days 3-5 post natal). When she was born she wouldn't latch on at all and was given formula stretching her tummy. When she finally latched (badly) they sent me home even though my milk hadn't come in and my baby was used to getting 30mls+ of formula every 3-4 hours. I was readmitted 2 days later as she had lost 18% of her birth weight. Thinking about how hungry she must have been, and how horrible she must have felt and that I didn't even realise made me feel so sad and guilty that until I had the new baby I couldn't even think about it as it hurt so much. Now I feel better about it, like someone has smoothed the edges of the guilt and sadness I felt.

I do however feel a bit guilty for using my experience with my son as a healing process for what went wrong with my daughter. But it doesn't effect my relationship with them as my children, it just effects my relationship with myself as a mother.

 

[Eala]

I hear you ladies about the "next baby" conundrum. I am hoping to breastfeed Midgelet, and have done my best to prepare myself. It's not that I suddenly think that breastmilk is made from unicorn tears or that BF'ing will give me a better bond. I suppose I have two main reasons, one is practical and one is psychological. Practically speaking, formula is so bloomin' expensive, and if I can BF then I will save money (yup, I'm reducing BF'ing to a cost analysis question!). On a more esoteric level, I would like to reclaim my breasts as mine. Last time the trauma from my childhood... well, got in the way, for want of a better term. If things don't work out this time, or if I choose early on to use formula... I want it to be my *choice*, not something else which he took from me.

 

[maddog37]

I hear you ladies about the "next baby" conundrum. I am hoping to breastfeed Midgelet, and have done my best to prepare myself. It's not that I suddenly think that breastmilk is made from unicorn tears or that BF'ing will give me a better bond. I suppose I have two main reasons, one is practical and one is psychological. Practically speaking, formula is so bloomin' expensive, and if I can BF then I will save money (yup, I'm reducing BF'ing to a cost analysis question!). On a more esoteric level, I would like to reclaim my breasts as mine. Last time the trauma from my childhood... well, got in the way, for want of a better term. If things don't work out this time, or if I choose early on to use formula... I want it to be my *choice*, not something else which he took from me.

So sorry about your childhood trauma. Just curious if you've been working on yourself (emotionally, mentally) since your last child? Do you feel different?

I'm sorry if these are personal questions. I also have (quite unexpected as I never realize the things that happened in my childhood were considered trauma, I thought they were normal) PTSD and anxiety about the past which were triggered by pregnancy and everything related. I'm also worried about how the next pregnancy will be. I also want to better arm myself for things to come, including if bf'ing will become a problem due to that again.

 

[Eala]

Yes, I've been having counselling with a specialist in the field since my last child. It's not been easy, but the birth last time brought a lot of things to the surface which I couldn't then ignore/live with anymore. Before having Roo, I sort of knew that at some point I would have more work to do, psychologically speaking, but I was pretty content and doing fine as I was.

It's fairly common for both labour/birth and breastfeeding to be affected by these sorts of issues. The problem is though, that healthcare professionals tend to either be totally unaware of this, or just don't know how to deal with it. It's rare for a midwife or doctor to raise the issue, as they worry that doing so would cause trauma in itself For some women though, breastfeeding does become a way in which they do reclaim a part of their body which had previously had very negative associations. Last time I was taken by surprise (as I just hadn't wanted to admit to myself that my history could cause issues). This time, I'm hoping that forewarned will be forearmed, and I'll be able to take back my body.

 

[Alideebo]

Wow. That was so refreshing to read! Not because you've gone through such personal trauma (which you needn't feel guilty about, you're clearly a fantastic mother) but because I can read this and know I'm not alone.
I've suffered with bipolar disorder for a few years but managed to remain medicine free throughout my pregnancy. As soon as Ewan was born I was in hospital with puerperal psychosis. The nurses were great and let me have Ewan as much as I wanted but breastfeeding was out of the question. I recovered quickly and have an amazing bond with my son. There is no shame in FF. BF children will not necessarily be smarter, healthier and happier, that's all based on conditioning and upbringing and from what I can tell, your daughter will benefit from a wonderful upbringing

 

[MrsPOP]

Thankyou Alideebo. Im sorry to hear you had a rough postpartum period but well done for getting through it. Your LO was born on my birthday, a great day to be born!

 

[mushypea]

Mrspop I have not read all this thread apart from your first post, but I just wanted to say that is it crap the way you were treated before and after the birth wrt breastfeeding and everything else.

I do believe some babies latch well and others don't (often due to tongue tie, so I have been told). I had problems with my son due to reflux and him being born early, so he would just pass out 2 mins into a bf, then a few mins later he would wake up and scream. I was a sleep deprived mess. My auntie gave him 4oz of formula and he downed it in literally 10 mins. I never breastfed again. He then had ranitidine and infant gaviscon in his feeds and it would have been very hard to give that to a bf baby, without sterilising bottles and putting expressed milk in.

But I would say if you have another baby, you may find things very different. Fearne had the latch of a leach from birth. I was trying to latch her on and she unlatched and reattached herself in a better position! She has fed beautifully and trust me, this pregnancy I read nothing about bfing and bought masses of bottles as I fully believed I would not breastfeed for long at all if things didn't go well. I have no idea how to breastfeed really, but Fearne does I wish you didn't feel guilty about it when you had such a hard time Oh sorry - I have one of those blinkies you hate! Cover it up!

 

[MrsPOP]

LOL Mushy!!! Hello! :waves: Thanks for posting on here. Im really hoping that next time is different (not that there will be a next time for a few years) and I feel quite positive about it.

And dont worry about the ticker, be proud you are a BF mummy! I know if I succeed Im probably going to litter my sig with tickers and everyone will tell me what a smug b*stard I am

 

[mushypea]

Love it mrspop! I have a real 'love hate' relationship with breastfeeding, the 'love' part mainly coming from the amount of food I can scoff as Fearne over feeds and throws up masses, so I have to make lots of milk! I know people talk about bfing helping with bonding and suchlike, but I personally didn't find that.

I hope if you are lucky enough to become a mummy again, you have an experience like mine this time!

 

[Snugggs]

Hello ladies **waves** .... just popping in to see if you're all well? i'm battling with myself still. I'm still leaking and every time i do i think... "shall i stick him on?!".... NO DON'T DO IT!...

i'd end up straight back at the beginning of my guilt!

pfffttt to boobs xxx