Aurora, never, ever feel that you have to explain yourself to us. We all have our different journeys that we've gone on and some of them have certainly been harder than others.
Your moment will come. I know it. In the meantime feel pissed off, feel anger, happiness, frustration.... feel all of those things - you don't have to apologise for the way you genuinely feel. I'm so glad you've shared that with us. I think you're one absolutely amazing chick. Your strength is a huge inspiration to me and everyone else who is following your journey. Wish I could give you realsies cuddles!