TTC #1 AL Buddies 2016 Newcomers Welcome

[lesondemavie]

Anyone out there trying for your first after a loss? My very first pregnancy just ended in a MMC at my 8 week ultrasound. We're still just recovering, but plan to start trying again as soon as we're cleared by the ob. I've had such amazing buddies and support from the day I started ttc#1, but now I'm not sure exactly where I fit. If there are a few more of you out there, who sadly like me, lost your first and are still hoping and wishing for that day that you get to hold your precious, crying baby in your arms, please join me. I know I'd love to have your support, and also to support you on this journey!

We want babies not just BFPs!!!

Let me know if you would like to be added to our wall of inspiration. I will not add you unless you ask. I want this to be a safe space, so there is absolutely no obligation to be on the list. I'm staring this wall with the hope that this list becomes a source of success stories to inspire others as they try to move from the grief of loss to the hope of TTC again. For now, the list can inspire by showing that we have managed to pick up the pieces and keep going (no small feat - hooray us!!!). In the future though, this wall WILL be full of not just BFPs but birth announcements!

✨✨WALL OF INSPIRATION✨✨
lesondemavie - MMC February 2016 after 6 cycles of TTC. Back TTC March 2016. CP September 2016. First appointment with RE and Sub-Clinical Hypothyroidism diagnosed October 2016. October 2016!!! Levothyroxine, E2, P, and baby aspirin after O Charlie Joan born July 22, 2017 at 41+4
BronteForever - Ectopic April 2009. NTNP 2012-2014. TTC since 2014. RE March 2016. Failed ER June 2016. Second ER and fresh transfer February 2017 - BFN. March 2017 - On a break.
mrs unicorn - MMC February 2016 after 3 cycles of TTC. Back TTC April 2016. July 2016!!! no intervention Isaac Oscar born April 5th, 2017
Aayla - NMC August 2015 after 3 cycles on Letrozole. Back TTC with Letrozole May 2016. October 2016 - Getting healthy and saving before moving on to IUI or IVF.
beemeck - Cervical Ectopic April 2015 after 1 cycle TTC. Back to TTC soon after. IUI with Femara starting April 2016. June 2016!!! Rani born March 2017
raine87 - MC February 2015 and February 2016 after TTC since December 2014. On Metformin and back TTC May 2016. July 2016!!!
beccabonny - MMC Nov 2015 after NTNP since May 2015. TTC since Feb 2016. NMC July 2016. August 2016!!! P after BFP RR born May 4th, 2017

 

[beemeck]

Hi les ! I'm in just checking in quickly from my phone but I'll love to join you !

 

[lesondemavie]

Sounds good bee . Of course I've counted on having you along the way. I don't know how you've done it all this time. So admire your strength!

 

[beemeck]

aw les, you're so sweet. I was going to add that I hope it doesn't take you or anyone else as long as it's been taking me! The wait is so excruciating. At first, the docs were thinking I had miscarried - and at least I was convinced I was due to the heavy bleeding. I was one of those people who was going to start trying before AF even came because I wanted to be pregnant again RIGHT AWAY. I know everyone is different, but that's where I landed. Luckily they tracked my betas and finally figured everything out, but here I am 10 months later - still nothing. And my first hope was to have to wait a dreaded month....

 

[lesondemavie]

Haha, I know what you mean! I'd love to start trying again right away, but ttc taught me that for whatever reason it might not happen quickly. At the same time though, the fear of going through this heartache again is hard. I just keep telling myself that if I don't risk it, I'll never get to hold that baby in my arms. Physically healing from this MC has been tough. I've read through your journal, but still I can only imagine what it was like recovering from your ectopic. I know that you too get that nagging feeling of what if something's wrong. I keep telling myself that there must have just been something off with the plans for the heart (based on when gremlin stopped growing), and that it really was just one of those chance things...but deep down I still don't really know if I can carry a baby full term. Only way to find out though is to jump and wait to see what happens . The fall is longer than we had hoped, but we still haven't hit the ground yet! Hopefully there's a safety net down there somewhere

 

[beemeck]

you know, going through the whole process physically made me love and appreciate my body so much. I know that so many women feel like their body failed them (and on some bad days I do too), but I mostly think how it saved my life and my uterus. and the recovery was so quick and easy. I only needed 2 transfusions when I should have needed more - the docs had no explanation for why the bleeding randomly stopped on the operating table and were surprised to see my hemoglobin levels stabalize so easily. I think if you can, give your body as much extra love and credit as you can. These things happen for such random reasons and I think our bodies handle them the best way they know how. It's just so important not to blame ourselves when these things happen. It breaks my heart to read about women who do.

The bad days also make me wander to the place where I question everything. I try not to go there, but sometimes it's hard. I'm a very scientific person and I'm always trying to seek answers. I don't do well with things unexplained, so it's been rough. I think that's why I've been pushing the medical testing route so much - I just need this to make sense to me in some way - any way.

I'm sorry that it's taking it's toll on you - the first days are so fresh and hard. I'll be thinking of you and hoping for a very speedy recovery and to get right back on track with your cycles.

 

[lesondemavie]

I actually feel the same. I've always had body image issues, but after the pregnancy, even though it ended in mc, I've felt so much better about myself just the way I am. It's an odd feeling in the midst of all the sadness, but then again I think every life experience is a mixed bag. There are always positives to look for and hold on to tightly. It's what gets us through the despair.

I've always felt like we're kindred spirits in a way. So scientific, but also adamant about looking for and celebrating the positives no matter what's going on. It's lovely that you can look back and be thankful for what you have considering.

I think last I read, you're going in for another appointment soon, is that right? If so, hope all goes well and it's just what you need

 

[NDurham12]

Hi Ladies,

I'm about to go through my first loss. Betas came back lower today so dr thinks it's ectopic. This day had been so hard, been crying so much, I'm so sad. Took 3 years to even get pregnant and now this. I have an ultrasound on Monday and already asked dh to take the day off as I'm fearing the worse.

Given how long it's taken to get here, I too know that trying to rush anything will only stress me out. Just gonna try to take things in stride and 1 day at a time.
This weekend is gonna completely suck.

 

[lesondemavie]

I'm so very sorry ND . This journey is just full of so many hard waits isn't it? It all just seems so unfair, especially after trying for so long. I'm glad your DH will be there, and I hope the ultrasound goes as well as it possibly can. Cry all you need. I know I have. We'll be here for you when you get your news on Monday, and feel free to pop in if you need to vent this weekend.

 

[NDurham12]

I'm so very sorry ND . This journey is just full of so many hard waits isn't it? It all just seems so unfair, especially after trying for so long. I'm glad your DH will be there, and I hope the ultrasound goes as well as it possibly can. Cry all you need. I know I have. We'll be here for you when you get your news on Monday, and feel free to pop in if you need to vent this weekend.

Hi Les! Nice to meet you, thanks so much for the kind words.

Last night was rough, but made it through it. Actually slept holding this Angel (actually she's a fairy, but angel to me) hello kitty bear to keep me safe.

 

[lesondemavie]

That sounds nice ND. We need all the comfort we can get no matter where we're at

 

[lesondemavie]

Happy CH bee!

 

[beemeck]

Lol thanks ! I put those on myself bc ff gave me dotted ones on cd 15 but I know that was wrong because I had pos opks days 16, 17 and still basically positive on 18. I hate that my temps are such a mess though. I normally have pretty charts. Hey - at this point I'll take anything different though. The pretty charts didn't get me anywhere so maybe this mess will! Lol

 

[lesondemavie]

ND: I hope you're doing ok. Please do check in when you get chance.

Bee: How's the tww treating you?

 

[NDurham12]

Hi Les and Bee,

Just woke up. mc was confirmed on Monday, hcg went down to 300's. Going in today (and probably the next two weeks) for more bloodwork to watch it drop to 0. I have pain on my left side, but us hurt too bad for dr. to find anything significant.
I finally told my mother and the few friends that knew on yesterday that we lost the baby. Teared up a bit, but quickly found other things to do to take my mind off of it.
Hubby got me sick yesterday, but it's gonna be a busy week for me so I'm just slowly trekking on.

Les, I read your journal today, it was so lovely. You're so strong and I love your connection with yourself.
Bee, I totally get how ff charts can drive you nuts. Fingers crossed for you!

Off to work in go....

 

[beemeck]

ND - so, so sorry to hear that. there's really no consolation I could give right now, but at least it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. I'm so sorry to hear that this happened after trying for so long. I have heard a lot of success stories that after the body is pregnant, something clicks and it becomes fertile. I really hope this is the case for you and that you'll have your rainbow baby before you know it

at this point I am happy with my messed up chart. After months of beautiful charts that led to nothing, I'm welcoming any changes!

 

[lesondemavie]

Oh ND I'm so sorry . Like bee said, there's sadly no words in moments like these, but we're always here to listen. That any of this happens to anyone just absolutely stinks! I'm glad you read through my journal. I hope it helped in some small way. Work is now a welcome distraction for me, but please do take a few days off if you need them. I spent the day we found out with DH, and then took the following Monday off too. I wasn't ready to face the world and pretend like nothing happened. The first two days back after that I felt (and looked) like a zombie. I amazingly still haven't actually caught the bad flu that's going around, but it was an excellent cover.

Haha bee, I agree different is good. I want you to know that I am thankful that it wasn't ectopic. As hard as MC is physically, it's not nearly as medically involved. I'm so very glad that you recovered so fast, and if there's anything making it harder now, I hope they find it. We all though spent our time pg hoping and dreaming of the baby we would hold in our arms (and worrying about something going wrong), so that's the same. We all lost that, and are still hoping for that baby.

I hope that we all have our loss out of the way and that there's a healthy happy next time in our futures!

 

[beemeck]

The sadness is the same for sure - there's no denying that! I just know that a lot of women lose their tubes with ectopics and therefore the chances of future pregnancies decrease so the good news when it's not ectopic is that the probability of another baby shouldn't be lowered. So it's only good for the future, not for the present moment. Nothing will take the sadness away but I know something that helped me (that I wouldn't have thought about if it hadn't been the crazy situation that it was) was that I could try again with the "same" (at least they thought so!) chances. I probably have a different thought process with the whole thing since they prepped me for a hysterectomy, so I took solace, and still do, in the fact that I can give this whole thing another go.

 

[NDurham12]

Howdy ladies,

So nurse called and my numbers today plateaued today so they want to do a dnc. I was just starting a meeting with my manager and had to step out to take the call. I was really bummed but had to go back to my meeting with a straight face. I only know the term dnc, not really what it entails, so I texted dh while in the meeting to tell him to look it up. Omg. I soooo dont wanna do that.

Honestly they have not confirmed if it's ectopic or not, my numbers never got high enough to view anything on us. I do have a pain on my left side , but the doctor is still unsure.

I eventually told my boss this evening and he was very supportive. But overall it was a pretty crappie day.

 

[NDurham12]

Today was reallying hard. I'm just thankful I was actually sick with a cold and was forced to stay home.
I had crazy lower back pain and cramping today with af starting full force. Felt awful. Feeling like new person right now though, glad that's over.