TTC 1st child 35+ (Please spoiler any PG news/announcements).

[onmymind17]

Your right, it IS bitter sweet. We want our little ones here with us. But if they can't be, I'd rather know their safe in Heaven with a Father-God who loves them than anywhere else if I can't be with Him.

Not sure if that will help anyone who grieves their child. It will never take that pain away, but it sure helps calm the spirit when you KNOW where they are, that they are safe, they are REALLY ALIVE waiting for YOU, and that it's not the end. The chapter isn't closed and one day you'll have an ETERNITY (infinite time) to spend with the child you once let go.

I hope you find some peace in the midst of the grieving process

Thank you for this, Mommy's Angel. One of the biggest struggles I had with each miscarriage was the fear that each baby would not be able to go to heaven, but be forever suspended in purgatory (I was raised Roman Catholic and, though not practicing, it has always stayed with me that babies who are not baptized do not go to heaven). Although I do not truly believe God would ever deny a child entrance into heaven, that fear has always stuck with me. What you have said does help and provide some sense of peace (for me, anyway)

p.s. Belated Happy Birthday!

...God would NOT condemn an infant to hell who can't comprehend the difference between right and wrong.

Let your mind be put to rest that HE loves you and He loves your baby. That child of yours is very much in heaven running in the garden and isn't in limbo. He's with Jesus.

If you want something to read more about it..I HIGHLY recommend "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn. So many books out there are so loopy about what happens to someone when they die. Thus far it's the more Biblically sound book I've read.

Please forgive me for going on. This is a subject I'm passionate about. I love to share Jesus with others and in my own journey of love, loss and renewed sense of victory I've learned so much about the Love of Christ and where our children are.

Please forgive me if I affended anyone. It wasn't my intention.

Thank you so much again...I have spent 2 years praying for the souls of my lost babies, torn apart by both the loss of them and the fear of what happened to their souls. One of my babies had a heartbeat that I saw and heard - he/she was alive - and I was tormented by the thought of his/her lost soul.

I am not offended in any way by what you said - I am comforted. And your reply could not have come at a better time...one of my colleagues just came racing into my office while I was typing this response and shouted "It's a boy!". I had no idea what she was talking about. Apparently, her daughter who just got married last year (and who also works for my same employer and is always in this office visiting her mother) is 5 months pregnant and found out yesterday she's having a boy. I didn't even know she was pregnant. I had to paste on a big toothy grin and squeak out "how wonderful, congratulations, so happy for you" while trying not to burst into tears. I held it together until she left my office after going on and on about it for 10 minutes...then I cried when she left, knowing I'm going to have to deal with seeing her daughter month after month getting big and pregnant. This comes just one day after me having had to finally force myself to mail a "congratulations" card to another colleague who gave birth to a baby girl last month (it took me a month to gear up and force myself to buy and write out the card for mailing)....AND there's a third colleague, who is in the middle of a divorce, who got knocked up by her "friend with benefits" whom she doesn't even love...thank God she quit last month, because all she talked about was how depressed she was being so fat and so much bigger than the other mothers-to-be @ her ob-gyn's. So now I am spending the morning crying in my office, and dreading taking an HPT this weekend because I don't think I can handle another BFN (which it most certainly will be).

Sorry to ramble, but everything about this morning is making me very emotional and feeling sad and confused. I actually just wanted to say "Thank you" to you for all you've said.

I am sending you big warm hugs, i know that had to hurt listening to that woman talk about her daughter. What i try and do is tell myself i am picking up on all their preggy vibes, and in my office i have to do that we have at least 6 women that are pg, they are all due from July through November, i cant turn around without seeing one, and it does not help that whenever i watch TV someone on there is pg too One day very soon, we will be those women that are pg and happy!!!!!

 

[Baby4MJ]

...I always say that my 4 are with my dad, they are playing in heaven with their grandpa, and waiting for DH and I to join them one day. I laughed and said to my dad, you have enough grandchildren up there with you, its my turn to have one down here!!

My dad passed away suddenly in June 2008 and it was the night of his funeral that my DH told me he wanted to have a baby (we slept in my dad's hospital room after taking my dad off life support until he passed a week later, and my DH is an only child whose dad died when he was 10, so I think the 2 events combined in his mind and made him realize how important family is)...Anyway, I'm piping in because I say the same thing to my dad as well...I look up at the sky and say "OK Dad, you've got enough of my kids up there to play with - let me have one now!"

 

[onmymind17]

Hi girls & welcome labrat!

OMG I drifted over to the teen pregnancy forum & couldn't stop reading them as if it were a novel I couldn't put down! Not the fact that all these young girls are pregnant but all the cat fights, name calling & fake members who arent really pregnant. WOW It feels good to be back here!!!!

Fm & carole happy belated birthday to you both!

Onmymind...no AF yet? That could be a good thing. It blows my mind when I hear stories of girls who even blood tests didn't detect pregnancy for weeks after missed AF. And we think just the tww is loong imagine a 4ww! FXd for you!

I have a question for those who've done iui's or anyone who just has an opinion. My iui was done early this cycle(day 12) where normally done on about day 14. They tell me to test 14 days after and if negative stop the progesterone & if positive continue the suppositories & come in for a blood test. Today would be the 14th day but its only cd26 & I'm a constant 28 day cycle. So even if I got a negative...couldnt I still get a positive since AF isnt actually due till saturday? I dont think I'm prego since I've had mild cramps but just curious as to how they count you out if you get a negative before AF is even due? You'd think with as many iui's I've had I wouldn't have any questions left! That ended up much longer than I meant & hope it made sense!!!

Hello to everyone else!

I have had 5 IUI's done, they always did a blood test two weeks after the IUI, if you just doing home tests, i would wait, i mean IUI's are not like IVF, with IVF, they know exactly when they implanted the eggs, with IUI its still like a regular cycle, you could implant late, since you never know for sure. Did you use a trigger shot? Or did you just do time it with OPK's and then have the IUI? I would wait until a couple of days after your normal cycle would end and test again, then if its still a bfn, i would stop, but not before.

 

[Baby4MJ]

Your right, it IS bitter sweet. We want our little ones here with us. But if they can't be, I'd rather know their safe in Heaven with a Father-God who loves them than anywhere else if I can't be with Him.

Not sure if that will help anyone who grieves their child. It will never take that pain away, but it sure helps calm the spirit when you KNOW where they are, that they are safe, they are REALLY ALIVE waiting for YOU, and that it's not the end. The chapter isn't closed and one day you'll have an ETERNITY (infinite time) to spend with the child you once let go.

I hope you find some peace in the midst of the grieving process

Thank you for this, Mommy's Angel. One of the biggest struggles I had with each miscarriage was the fear that each baby would not be able to go to heaven, but be forever suspended in purgatory (I was raised Roman Catholic and, though not practicing, it has always stayed with me that babies who are not baptized do not go to heaven). Although I do not truly believe God would ever deny a child entrance into heaven, that fear has always stuck with me. What you have said does help and provide some sense of peace (for me, anyway)

p.s. Belated Happy Birthday!

...God would NOT condemn an infant to hell who can't comprehend the difference between right and wrong.

Let your mind be put to rest that HE loves you and He loves your baby. That child of yours is very much in heaven running in the garden and isn't in limbo. He's with Jesus.

If you want something to read more about it..I HIGHLY recommend "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn. So many books out there are so loopy about what happens to someone when they die. Thus far it's the more Biblically sound book I've read.

Please forgive me for going on. This is a subject I'm passionate about. I love to share Jesus with others and in my own journey of love, loss and renewed sense of victory I've learned so much about the Love of Christ and where our children are.

Please forgive me if I affended anyone. It wasn't my intention.

Thank you so much again...I have spent 2 years praying for the souls of my lost babies, torn apart by both the loss of them and the fear of what happened to their souls. One of my babies had a heartbeat that I saw and heard - he/she was alive - and I was tormented by the thought of his/her lost soul.

I am not offended in any way by what you said - I am comforted. And your reply could not have come at a better time...one of my colleagues just came racing into my office while I was typing this response and shouted "It's a boy!". I had no idea what she was talking about. Apparently, her daughter who just got married last year (and who also works for my same employer and is always in this office visiting her mother) is 5 months pregnant and found out yesterday she's having a boy. I didn't even know she was pregnant. I had to paste on a big toothy grin and squeak out "how wonderful, congratulations, so happy for you" while trying not to burst into tears. I held it together until she left my office after going on and on about it for 10 minutes...then I cried when she left, knowing I'm going to have to deal with seeing her daughter month after month getting big and pregnant. This comes just one day after me having had to finally force myself to mail a "congratulations" card to another colleague who gave birth to a baby girl last month (it took me a month to gear up and force myself to buy and write out the card for mailing)....AND there's a third colleague, who is in the middle of a divorce, who got knocked up by her "friend with benefits" whom she doesn't even love...thank God she quit last month, because all she talked about was how depressed she was being so fat and so much bigger than the other mothers-to-be @ her ob-gyn's. So now I am spending the morning crying in my office, and dreading taking an HPT this weekend because I don't think I can handle another BFN (which it most certainly will be).

Sorry to ramble, but everything about this morning is making me very emotional and feeling sad and confused. I actually just wanted to say "Thank you" to you for all you've said.

I am sending you big warm hugs, i know that had to hurt listening to that woman talk about her daughter. What i try and do is tell myself i am picking up on all their preggy vibes, and in my office i have to do that we have at least 6 women that are pg, they are all due from July through November, i cant turn around without seeing one, and it does not help that whenever i watch TV someone on there is pg too One day very soon, we will be those women that are pg and happy!!!!!

Your post just gave me warm fuzzies. Thank you. (I like the idea of preggy vibes!)

I thought it was just me being bombarded by preggos - and you have 6 of them! God bless you and your ability not to scream "shutup!shutup!shutup!" every time they open their mouths to yammer about pregnancy. I swore to myself that if I ever get pregnant (with a healthy baby), I'm not making a peep to anyone about it (other than close family and friends, who know my situation). I would never want to make someone else feel the way I do by yapping on and on about it...

It's funny you mentioned TV too because I swear everything is about pregnancy and everyone is pregnant on TV. When "Pregnant in Heels" (reality show) came out I almost died. I've never watched it but they advertise for it all the time. Turn on the "Today" show - there's Maya Rudolph, preggers. Even TV commercials! I thought I was losin' it for awhile Glad I'm not the only one!

 

[HappyAuntie]

Lol HA your exactly right about reality tv!! So since my trigger shot was given day cd10 (and naturally get a +opk day 12)then my cycle wouldn't be the regular 28 days? Does that mean I should get AF today?

Maybe, maybe not.... In general, when AF arrives depends on when you ovulate - it will almost always be about 14 days after ovulation. The period before ovulation is unpredictable in some women, which is why some women have irregular cycles. But once ovulation occurs, AF will follow about two weeks later. Since you triggered on cd10, you should generally expect AF around cd 24 (consider the trigger day the same thing as the day of the first positive OPK). That said, though, the progesterone suppositories change things, at least for me. A series of hormone changes, one of which is the drop in progesterone, is what cues the uterus to shed its lining. For me, AF usually arrives about 24-36 hrs after my last progesterone suppository. But there are so many other hormone changes at play, and the drugs for the IUI mess with them all... my cycles have always been very regular 28-day cycles, but on my IUI cycles, all bets are off. You really shouldn't even worry about what cd you're being triggered - if your follies are being monitored, they're going to trigger you based on how the follies are developing, not based on what cd it is. I usually trigger around cd 11 or 12, so my IUI cycles have generally been shorter than my unmedicated cycles. Sorry I'm kind of rambling... there's just a lot at play as to when AF arrives! Which is why I say in cases like this, just listen to your nurses and don't overthink the situation. As much as we all second guess them, they really do know more about the topic than we do!

OMG I drifted over to the teen pregnancy forum & couldn't stop reading them as if it were a novel I couldn't put down! Not the fact that all these young girls are pregnant but all the cat fights, name calling & fake members who arent really pregnant. WOW It feels good to be back here!!!!

As for the teen pregnancy drama, I know EXACTLY what you mean!!! There was a pregnancy journal on here that was like a trashy reality show and I could NOT stop reading it!!! This was her 4th baby and her 3rd baby daddy, and she and baby daddy split up I don't know how many times during the pregnancy... it didn't even make me angry reading it, it was just so entertaining!! But yes, makes me VERY happy to be in with this crowd!!

Think I might just tip toe over there for a look!!

The journal I was following is closed now - she delivered a few months ago... I've tried following her parenting journal but so far baby daddy hasn't left yet and I started to get bored.

 

[twinkle1975]

Lol HA your exactly right about reality tv!! So since my trigger shot was given day cd10 (and naturally get a +opk day 12)then my cycle wouldn't be the regular 28 days? Does that mean I should get AF today?

Maybe, maybe not.... In general, when AF arrives depends on when you ovulate - it will almost always be about 14 days after ovulation. The period before ovulation is unpredictable in some women, which is why some women have irregular cycles. But once ovulation occurs, AF will follow about two weeks later. Since you triggered on cd10, you should generally expect AF around cd 24. That said, though, the progesterone suppositories change things, at least for me. A series of hormone changes, one of which is the drop in progesterone, is what cues the uterus to shed its lining. For me, AF usually arrives about 24-36 hrs after my last progesterone suppository. But there are so many other hormone changes at play, and the drugs for the IUI mess with them all... my cycles have always been very regular 28-day cycles, but on my IUI cycles, all bets are off. You really shouldn't even worry about what cd you're being triggered - if your follies are being monitored, they're going to trigger you based on how they're developing, not based on what cd it is. I usually trigger around cd 11 or 12, so my IUI cycles have generally been shorter than my unmedicated cycles. Sorry I'm kind of rambling... there's just a lot at play as to when AF arrives! Which is why I say in cases like this, just listen to your nurses and don't overthink the situation. As much as we all second guess them, they really do know more about the topic than we do!

OMG I drifted over to the teen pregnancy forum & couldn't stop reading them as if it were a novel I couldn't put down! Not the fact that all these young girls are pregnant but all the cat fights, name calling & fake members who arent really pregnant. WOW It feels good to be back here!!!!

As for the teen pregnancy drama, I know EXACTLY what you mean!!! There was a pregnancy journal on here that was like a trashy reality show and I could NOT stop reading it!!! This was her 4th baby and her 3rd baby daddy, and she and baby daddy split up I don't know how many times during the pregnancy... it didn't even make me angry reading it, it was just so entertaining!! But yes, makes me VERY happy to be in with this crowd!!

Think I might just tip toe over there for a look!!

The journal I was following is closed now - she delivered a few months ago... I've tried following her parenting journal but so far baby daddy hasn't left yet and I started to get bored.

Whoa - running back over where I belong (well mostly!)

 

[onmymind17]

...I always say that my 4 are with my dad, they are playing in heaven with their grandpa, and waiting for DH and I to join them one day. I laughed and said to my dad, you have enough grandchildren up there with you, its my turn to have one down here!!

My dad passed away suddenly in June 2008 and it was the night of his funeral that my DH told me he wanted to have a baby (we slept in my dad's hospital room after taking my dad off life support until he passed a week later, and my DH is an only child whose dad died when he was 10, so I think the 2 events combined in his mind and made him realize how important family is)...Anyway, I'm piping in because I say the same thing to my dad as well...I look up at the sky and say "OK Dad, you've got enough of my kids up there to play with - let me have one now!"

I am so sorry for your loss, i know for me i still miss him so very much each day. My dad's passing was not sudden, he passed away Oct 1st 08 after a 3 year battle with Renal cancer, it was horrible, he went from a 204lb built guy to a 148lb weekling in a matter of weeks, after the first surgery. His body finally gave up, we had him home for a week on hospice and it was the best week ever with him, but so very hard when he passed away at home. I know that our babies are well loved and protected by our dads, and one day soon we will have a little one of our own to hold. Thanks for sharing this!!

 

[missyt]

Baby4MJ, I know how you feel about being surrounded by pregnancies. There were 3 girls at my work pregnant at the same time. They were all in their 30's too so I can't asking why now me? Now we got a new manager and she is pregnant with twins. That is a success story to me though because she is 47 and it gives me hope. In my neighborhood, both neighbors on each side are pregnant and two across the street had babies in the past 6 months. It just makes me feel so left out and drives me nuts. I just want to scream!

 

[labrat44]

I have had the FSH blood test at day three of my cycle, and that was normal, so my doctor says that my eggs are probably fine - I guess if the eggs weren't healthy, more hormone would be needed to get a follicle, so that's ok. I haven't had any surgeries to make sure everything is perfect, but I have no reason to think it isn't. IVF has been suggested, but my husband and I are concerned with making lots of embryos then only using a few, what do we do with the others? and at least during the school year, I don't have room in my schedule to make lots of trips to chicago, and we haven't been able to find local facilities (NW Indiana). We kindof want to give ourselves a chance, as naturally as we can... I also wonder if needle sperm extraction then injection into my fallopian tubes would work? We have been to 2 OB/GYNs, and one fertility clinic, and a urologist. It's finding the right place that I'm having trouble with. The fertility clinic was very expensive (500$ each for us to consult with a nurse!) and the procedures would all be done in different parts of chicago.

If anyone here knows of places in or near NW Indiana that could help, or other procedures?

Thanks for the great welcome! I'm glad I found this forum!

If you're in NW IN, I know Chicago is closer than Ft Wayne, but my RE (I'm in central IN) has an office in Ft Wayne and a consult with him doesn't cost $500, let alone a consult with his nurse! I'd be happy to pm you his info if you'd like. Frankly I'd be a little skeptical of an RE who has his nurse do initial consults - he is the expert, not his staff....

I know what you mean about wanting to do things naturally. As for IVF, I have the same concerns about extra embryos... my RE and I have even had that conversation even though we're not doing IVF at this point. His philosophy is to do whatever the patient is comfortable doing, and if the patient has concerns about extra embies, he will only fertilize as many eggs as you want him to fertilize - they don't have to fertilize every single egg they retrieve. Definitely something to ask an RE about, if you are willing to consider IVF. And yes, there is a procedure called GIFT (gamete intrafallopian transfer) - something else to ask an RE about.

Is the urologist you met with a reproductive specialist or a general urologist? There's a urologist here in Indy who only does reproductive urology - it might be worth a talk with someone like him to determine what are the odds of a successful reversal after so many years so you have all the info you need to make a treatment decision.

And a surgery on you to make sure you're fine shouldn't be necessary. A good FSH is great news. The only other thing you might want to consider is an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) to check the condition of your uterus (checking the shape, looking for a septum etc) and your tubes (making sure they're open). It's a 5 minute x-ray with contrast dye procedure. I have no idea how much it costs (mine was covered by insurance) but it might be worth checking out before the reversal - if you have any tubal problems IVF may be necessary anyway and then the reversal would be unnecessary.

Thanks, that's very useful information. I would like the name of your RE, and the urologist we saw was general, but did reversals, just not the more complicated type that we'd need. He suggested someone in Indy, who is the one you know there? I wouldn't mind too much going to Indy, it's a little farther, but a much nicer drive! especially if it was only a few time, not every week. I will look into the HSG.

Thanks for all the help!

 

[Baby4MJ]

I am so sorry for your loss, i know for me i still miss him so very much each day. My dad's passing was not sudden, he passed away Oct 1st 08 after a 3 year battle with Renal cancer, it was horrible, he went from a 204lb built guy to a 148lb weekling in a matter of weeks, after the first surgery. His body finally gave up, we had him home for a week on hospice and it was the best week ever with him, but so very hard when he passed away at home. I know that our babies are well loved and protected by our dads, and one day soon we will have a little one of our own to hold. Thanks for sharing this!!

I'm sorry for your loss, as well. A friend of mine went through a similar situation with her dad, who passed just this February from cancer. She lost her mother last year as well. It doesn't matter how old we are, losing a parent is devastating. I was "Daddy's little girl" and I felt like my anchor had been clipped when he died. Not an hour goes by I don't think of him, and he'll have been gone 3 years this June 6th. Maybe our dads can get together up there with our respective brood and realize they've got an entire romper room up there...our turn now!

 

[padbrat]

MA just read on the graduates thread that you had a birthday 2days ago. Happy Happy Birthday to you Did you get to do anything fun?

Yes, I'm 37...Oh, I mean 29 now. Thank you dear friend.

We were pretty low key as I'm having a hard time sitting for a long period of time with my butt muscle being swollen from the 17P injections.

We went to lunch and then I wanted to go on a country drive and to my favorite cafe for a caffeine free mocha late with whipped cream.

The best news that came out of it is that my friend received a kidney and liver transplant. We're praying the organs take to her body and so far so good. We're also praying for the young woman who gave the greatest gift and left quite a legacy behind!

Padbrat, your son is very much ALIVE in heaven. WE're actually the ones in our "temporary home" and THEY are waiting for US! Someone close to me once said when my Jackson passed away that He is not LOST, we're NOT walking away from our son but we are walking TOWARD him. It's not over, we'll be holding our children when we get to heaven. THEY will know us there.

I've read a couple of books Randy Alcorns "Heaven"shares a realistic view of heaven and if our loved ones will recognize us when we get there. It's a refreshing biblical view that shares hope and truth. Realistically our children don't turn into angels but are the same little ones they were created to be...only they are "walking in the garden with Jesus". I like to think of our Jackson as being around the likes of all the women from the Bible and the Desciples learning first hand what many of us read here on earth from Gods word, I also like to think he's surrounded by his great grandmother who is loving him dearly.

Your right, it IS bitter sweet. We want our little ones here with us. But if they can't be, I'd rather know their safe in Heaven with a Father-God who loves them than anywhere else if I can't be with Him.

Not sure if that will help anyone who grieves their child. It will never take that pain away, but it sure helps calm the spirit when you KNOW where they are, that they are safe, they are REALLY ALIVE waiting for YOU, and that it's not the end. The chapter isn't closed and one day you'll have an ETERNITY (infinite time) to spend with the child you once let go.

I hope you find some peace in the midst of the grieving process

That is beautiful MA... thank you. I guess if he had survived he would have had a life of pain and torment and I would always want him to be spared that, even if it means he left a hole in my heart when he went.

The funny thing is when I was little I always said I will have boys and I never wanted girls... I guess you should be careful what you wish for.

Both my Nans, my Papa (Grandad), my Father in Law and now my Mother In Law are in heaven... my Son died mere days before my Mother In Law... so I guess she went to take care of him in heaven... now all my babies have a Nan or Grandad with them.

I can tell ya... when we all get up to heaven and we all see our babies that is gonna be one hell of party!

TTC and Miscarrying or losing a baby is a special kinda hell in my opinon... like MA said this hell (though she said time on Earth not hell lol) we are in is transitionary and whether we get our reward here and hold our babies or we hold our babies in heaven it doesn't matter... one day we will hold them. For those in the torment of TTC... even if you never break out of that hell here... the children you were meant to have are waiting for you

I really hope my thoughts don't upset anyone... listen to me? I lurk for ages and then come on and write a mini essay

As always you ladies are an inspiration. You keep me going. Thank you.

All you new ladies I hope you know you are in the best group ever!

..... except... where is Skye????

 

[HappyAuntie]

..... except... where is Skye????

I don't know but it's KILLING meeee!!!! C'mon Skye, quit teasing us already!!

 

[Baby4MJ]

...one of my colleagues just came racing into my office while I was typing this response and shouted "It's a boy!". I had no idea what she was talking about. Apparently, her daughter who just got married last year (and who also works for my same employer and is always in this office visiting her mother) is 5 months pregnant and found out yesterday she's having a boy. I didn't even know she was pregnant. I had to paste on a big toothy grin and squeak out "how wonderful, congratulations, so happy for you" while trying not to burst into tears. I held it together until she left my office after going on and on about it for 10 minutes...then I cried when she left, knowing I'm going to have to deal with seeing her daughter month after month getting big and pregnant. This comes just one day after me having had to finally force myself to mail a "congratulations" card to another colleague who gave birth to a baby girl last month (it took me a month to gear up and force myself to buy and write out the card for mailing)....AND there's a third colleague, who is in the middle of a divorce, who got knocked up by her "friend with benefits" whom she doesn't even love...thank God she quit last month, because all she talked about was how depressed she was being so fat and so much bigger than the other mothers-to-be @ her ob-gyn's. So now I am spending the morning crying in my office, and dreading taking an HPT this weekend because I don't think I can handle another BFN (which it most certainly will be).

OK, so now the colleague I finally forced myself to mail the congratulations card to just yesterday just emailed me pictures of her baby girl! What the hell is it with people throwing pregnancy in my face today?!!?

 

[padbrat]

Awww Baby... I know..... going up for the funeral on Sunday and my HUbby's family breed like bloomin rats.... babies frikkin galore!! GRRRRRRRRRRR

 

[onmymind17]

I am so sorry for your loss, i know for me i still miss him so very much each day. My dad's passing was not sudden, he passed away Oct 1st 08 after a 3 year battle with Renal cancer, it was horrible, he went from a 204lb built guy to a 148lb weekling in a matter of weeks, after the first surgery. His body finally gave up, we had him home for a week on hospice and it was the best week ever with him, but so very hard when he passed away at home. I know that our babies are well loved and protected by our dads, and one day soon we will have a little one of our own to hold. Thanks for sharing this!!

I'm sorry for your loss, as well. A friend of mine went through a similar situation with her dad, who passed just this February from cancer. She lost her mother last year as well. It doesn't matter how old we are, losing a parent is devastating. I was "Daddy's little girl" and I felt like my anchor had been clipped when he died. Not an hour goes by I don't think of him, and he'll have been gone 3 years this June 6th. Maybe our dads can get together up there with our respective brood and realize they've got an entire romper room up there...our turn now!

Ohhhh you and i are exactly alike, my dad was everything to me, fortunatly i still have my mom, but much as i love her, she and my sister were always close, and i was always closer to my dad. I feel so lost now without him, and i always felt like i got ripped off, my sister got married when he was healthy, me i got married and prayed he would make it to the wedding, (They gave him 6 to 8 mo to live in Oct 06 and i got married Sept 07) my sister had my niece and my dad got to love his grandchild, me he will never know my children, its just not fair. LOL, yes we should get them together, and it is definatly our turn to have some down here lol.

 

[onmymind17]

MA just read on the graduates thread that you had a birthday 2days ago. Happy Happy Birthday to you Did you get to do anything fun?

Yes, I'm 37...Oh, I mean 29 now. Thank you dear friend.

We were pretty low key as I'm having a hard time sitting for a long period of time with my butt muscle being swollen from the 17P injections.

We went to lunch and then I wanted to go on a country drive and to my favorite cafe for a caffeine free mocha late with whipped cream.

The best news that came out of it is that my friend received a kidney and liver transplant. We're praying the organs take to her body and so far so good. We're also praying for the young woman who gave the greatest gift and left quite a legacy behind!

Padbrat, your son is very much ALIVE in heaven. WE're actually the ones in our "temporary home" and THEY are waiting for US! Someone close to me once said when my Jackson passed away that He is not LOST, we're NOT walking away from our son but we are walking TOWARD him. It's not over, we'll be holding our children when we get to heaven. THEY will know us there.

I've read a couple of books Randy Alcorns "Heaven"shares a realistic view of heaven and if our loved ones will recognize us when we get there. It's a refreshing biblical view that shares hope and truth. Realistically our children don't turn into angels but are the same little ones they were created to be...only they are "walking in the garden with Jesus". I like to think of our Jackson as being around the likes of all the women from the Bible and the Desciples learning first hand what many of us read here on earth from Gods word, I also like to think he's surrounded by his great grandmother who is loving him dearly.

Your right, it IS bitter sweet. We want our little ones here with us. But if they can't be, I'd rather know their safe in Heaven with a Father-God who loves them than anywhere else if I can't be with Him.

Not sure if that will help anyone who grieves their child. It will never take that pain away, but it sure helps calm the spirit when you KNOW where they are, that they are safe, they are REALLY ALIVE waiting for YOU, and that it's not the end. The chapter isn't closed and one day you'll have an ETERNITY (infinite time) to spend with the child you once let go.

I hope you find some peace in the midst of the grieving process

That is beautiful MA... thank you. I guess if he had survived he would have had a life of pain and torment and I would always want him to be spared that, even if it means he left a hole in my heart when he went.

The funny thing is when I was little I always said I will have boys and I never wanted girls... I guess you should be careful what you wish for.

Both my Nans, my Papa (Grandad), my Father in Law and now my Mother In Law are in heaven... my Son died mere days before my Mother In Law... so I guess she went to take care of him in heaven... now all my babies have a Nan or Grandad with them.

I can tell ya... when we all get up to heaven and we all see our babies that is gonna be one hell of party!

TTC and Miscarrying or losing a baby is a special kinda hell in my opinon... like MA said this hell (though she said time on Earth not hell lol) we are in is transitionary and whether we get our reward here and hold our babies or we hold our babies in heaven it doesn't matter... one day we will hold them. For those in the torment of TTC... even if you never break out of that hell here... the children you were meant to have are waiting for you

I really hope my thoughts don't upset anyone... listen to me? I lurk for ages and then come on and write a mini essay

As always you ladies are an inspiration. You keep me going. Thank you.

All you new ladies I hope you know you are in the best group ever!

..... except... where is Skye????

Oh this is beautiful, oh just the thought of seeing my little ones in heaven makes me smile. Sometimes i think i dont even know if they were boys or girls, if it were up to my dad they would all be girls, he loved his little girls lol. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, your right it is a special kind of hell we have to deal with, i keep seeing the one i went 9 weeks with, it looked like a little gummy bear, on its back with little tiny nubs for arms and legs, makes me so sad and empty to think that i could not make it grow. But i try and tell myself that that little one like the other three were just so special that God wanted them up there with him, because he loved them so much already.

OK, now i am curious, i am pretty new here but where the heck is Skye!!!! I have been checking back all day for news!!!!

 

[onmymind17]

...one of my colleagues just came racing into my office while I was typing this response and shouted "It's a boy!". I had no idea what she was talking about. Apparently, her daughter who just got married last year (and who also works for my same employer and is always in this office visiting her mother) is 5 months pregnant and found out yesterday she's having a boy. I didn't even know she was pregnant. I had to paste on a big toothy grin and squeak out "how wonderful, congratulations, so happy for you" while trying not to burst into tears. I held it together until she left my office after going on and on about it for 10 minutes...then I cried when she left, knowing I'm going to have to deal with seeing her daughter month after month getting big and pregnant. This comes just one day after me having had to finally force myself to mail a "congratulations" card to another colleague who gave birth to a baby girl last month (it took me a month to gear up and force myself to buy and write out the card for mailing)....AND there's a third colleague, who is in the middle of a divorce, who got knocked up by her "friend with benefits" whom she doesn't even love...thank God she quit last month, because all she talked about was how depressed she was being so fat and so much bigger than the other mothers-to-be @ her ob-gyn's. So now I am spending the morning crying in my office, and dreading taking an HPT this weekend because I don't think I can handle another BFN (which it most certainly will be).

OK, so now the colleague I finally forced myself to mail the congratulations card to just yesterday just emailed me pictures of her baby girl! What the hell is it with people throwing pregnancy in my face today?!!?

Awwwww geeze lol, well you have to remember that they dont know your struggle, they just know their joy, just breathe it in and one day it will be you that is showing pictures lol.

 

[Dwrgi]

Your right, it IS bitter sweet. We want our little ones here with us. But if they can't be, I'd rather know their safe in Heaven with a Father-God who loves them than anywhere else if I can't be with Him.

Not sure if that will help anyone who grieves their child. It will never take that pain away, but it sure helps calm the spirit when you KNOW where they are, that they are safe, they are REALLY ALIVE waiting for YOU, and that it's not the end. The chapter isn't closed and one day you'll have an ETERNITY (infinite time) to spend with the child you once let go.

I hope you find some peace in the midst of the grieving process

Thank you for this, Mommy's Angel. One of the biggest struggles I had with each miscarriage was the fear that each baby would not be able to go to heaven, but be forever suspended in purgatory (I was raised Roman Catholic and, though not practicing, it has always stayed with me that babies who are not baptized do not go to heaven). Although I do not truly believe God would ever deny a child entrance into heaven, that fear has always stuck with me. What you have said does help and provide some sense of peace (for me, anyway)

p.s. Belated Happy Birthday!

...God would NOT condemn an infant to hell who can't comprehend the difference between right and wrong.

Let your mind be put to rest that HE loves you and He loves your baby. That child of yours is very much in heaven running in the garden and isn't in limbo. He's with Jesus.

If you want something to read more about it..I HIGHLY recommend "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn. So many books out there are so loopy about what happens to someone when they die. Thus far it's the more Biblically sound book I've read.

Please forgive me for going on. This is a subject I'm passionate about. I love to share Jesus with others and in my own journey of love, loss and renewed sense of victory I've learned so much about the Love of Christ and where our children are.

Please forgive me if I affended anyone. It wasn't my intention.

Thank you so much again...I have spent 2 years praying for the souls of my lost babies, torn apart by both the loss of them and the fear of what happened to their souls. One of my babies had a heartbeat that I saw and heard - he/she was alive - and I was tormented by the thought of his/her lost soul.

I am not offended in any way by what you said - I am comforted. And your reply could not have come at a better time...one of my colleagues just came racing into my office while I was typing this response and shouted "It's a boy!". I had no idea what she was talking about. Apparently, her daughter who just got married last year (and who also works for my same employer and is always in this office visiting her mother) is 5 months pregnant and found out yesterday she's having a boy. I didn't even know she was pregnant. I had to paste on a big toothy grin and squeak out "how wonderful, congratulations, so happy for you" while trying not to burst into tears. I held it together until she left my office after going on and on about it for 10 minutes...then I cried when she left, knowing I'm going to have to deal with seeing her daughter month after month getting big and pregnant. This comes just one day after me having had to finally force myself to mail a "congratulations" card to another colleague who gave birth to a baby girl last month (it took me a month to gear up and force myself to buy and write out the card for mailing)....AND there's a third colleague, who is in the middle of a divorce, who got knocked up by her "friend with benefits" whom she doesn't even love...thank God she quit last month, because all she talked about was how depressed she was being so fat and so much bigger than the other mothers-to-be @ her ob-gyn's. So now I am spending the morning crying in my office, and dreading taking an HPT this weekend because I don't think I can handle another BFN (which it most certainly will be).

Sorry to ramble, but everything about this morning is making me very emotional and feeling sad and confused. I actually just wanted to say "Thank you" to you for all you've said.

Hi Baby4MJ-just wanted to say that I completely understand your pain with regard to other people and their pregnancies. It is soooooo very difficult, and doesn't get any easier. I also know the dread of the BFN-it's almost as if when you don't know, at least you can still HOPE that you are pregnant. It's the knowing for certain that you are not, that is the worst part of it. At least we all feel the same, which gives me some comfort, and makes me realise that I'm not being selfish or unkind to others. We just have to find a way of coping with it.

Saying that, I'm certain that we will ALL get our BFPs-perhaps it might take us longer but we will be so much better mothers for it, for ours will be truly wanted, and so loved!

Hang on in there, hun,
Lots of hugs,
A

 

[onmymind17]

Awww Baby... I know..... going up for the funeral on Sunday and my HUbby's family breed like bloomin rats.... babies frikkin galore!! GRRRRRRRRRRR

Oh i know exactly what you mean, my DH's family is like rabbits, and none of them are married or even have jobs, they all live in WI on welfare!!! Some of them are not even sure of who the father is, and one of them hid her pg until she went into labor, no medical help, no doctors visits, she lied to everybody, and still she has a little girl of her own!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Christmas time for us is hell at their house. Sending you loads of that it be an easy time for you at the funeral.

 

[Baby4MJ]

I am so sorry for your loss, i know for me i still miss him so very much each day. My dad's passing was not sudden, he passed away Oct 1st 08 after a 3 year battle with Renal cancer, it was horrible, he went from a 204lb built guy to a 148lb weekling in a matter of weeks, after the first surgery. His body finally gave up, we had him home for a week on hospice and it was the best week ever with him, but so very hard when he passed away at home. I know that our babies are well loved and protected by our dads, and one day soon we will have a little one of our own to hold. Thanks for sharing this!!

I'm sorry for your loss, as well. A friend of mine went through a similar situation with her dad, who passed just this February from cancer. She lost her mother last year as well. It doesn't matter how old we are, losing a parent is devastating. I was "Daddy's little girl" and I felt like my anchor had been clipped when he died. Not an hour goes by I don't think of him, and he'll have been gone 3 years this June 6th. Maybe our dads can get together up there with our respective brood and realize they've got an entire romper room up there...our turn now!

Ohhhh you and i are exactly alike, my dad was everything to me, fortunatly i still have my mom, but much as i love her, she and my sister were always close, and i was always closer to my dad. I feel so lost now without him, and i always felt like i got ripped off, my sister got married when he was healthy, me i got married and prayed he would make it to the wedding, (They gave him 6 to 8 mo to live in Oct 06 and i got married Sept 07) my sister had my niece and my dad got to love his grandchild, me he will never know my children, its just not fair. LOL, yes we should get them together, and it is definatly our turn to have some down here lol.

We are alike! My mom is still alive, though she lives in another state and, though I love her, our relationship has been difficult up until just a couple of years ago (she and my dad have been divorced since I was 6). I have an older brother...my dad was healthy at his wedding in 1994...DH and I had to postpone our wedding a year due to my dad falling ill in 1998 (though he did get to walk me down the aisle, albeit at a very thin 170lbs, down from his normal 215lbs)... and he was able to be the most awesome "Bompa" to both my brother's girls (6 and 8 at the time he passed), whom he adored with all his being, and they him in return. He will never know my children. My brother once mentioned to me after my dad's death that my dad was "wistful" over my never having had kids. That breaks my heart to this day. Not fair, but I'm hoping luck will turn our way soon!