TTC 1st child 35+ (Please spoiler any PG news/announcements).

[Jazzbird]

Tori - are you temping and doing opk testing? I definitely think it's good to know exactly when you ovulate. Mine varies from cd14 to cd23 ...so it's really important for me to opk test.

I know what you mean. I'm a planner too. Got married last year and decided to ttc immediately naively thinking id have my first at 36 and then #2 at 38. Now I'm thinking we may only be able to have one if we are able to have any at all.

It's hard not to regret but I was always on the fence about having children until we started trying. Then I realised it was something I had always wanted deep down. And everyone I know has at least one child. Feels like a club I can't join. And you start looking at your life wondering what you will do if it doesn't happen.

Hopefully it'll happen soon for you. We have to stay positive and take each day as it comes. X

 

[nessaw]

Hi welcome all the new ladies and good luck.

I got af today. V random cycle-ov pains on cd 6/7. Booked hsg for nextvtues and asked for second opinion on light 2 day afs. Hope to have some answers soon. Bmi going down and lost a couple of pounds. All good . X

 

[Jazzbird]

Hi neesaw - I'm an acupuncturist and was interested to read about light af. Do you get headaches at all? Floaters in the eyes? Tiredness? Pale complexion? Is your tongue pale? In Tcm terms it is blood deficiency. You should eat more red meat generally and lots of dark green veg. You could also try taking floradix as a supplement - you can find in holland and Barrett.

 

[Kat S]

It's hard not to regret but I was always on the fence about having children until we started trying. Then I realized it was something I had always wanted deep down. And everyone I know has at least one child. Feels like a club I can't join. And you start looking at your life wondering what you will do if it doesn't happen.

OMG, that's me. See? That's why I'm here. You guys get it.

 

[nessaw]

Jazz for the last 3 yrs have had bad sinuses with headaches most weeks. Interesting to hear it might be linked. Should I be on iron supplements do you think? Am always tired but always put it down to getting up at 6 and teaching 5 yr olds! Am pale-will go look at tongue. Do get occasional floaters. Recently had a little double vision when extra tired.

 

[Jazzbird]

Hi Neesaw - technically you should never diagnose someone without seeing them but I think scanty periods are fairly black and white really. Do you mind if I ask what colour the blood is and if you have any pain, or clotting?

I'm not sure about the sinuses and how they fit in. Have you ever had a test for anaemia? It's similar to what they term blood deficiency.

Floradix is an iron supplement but more than that as it is made from fruit and herb extracts.

Are you cold a lot too? Do you have low progesterone? Are the headaches worse after your period?

 

[Jazzbird]

Kat - so nice to talk to people who understand and don't judge. We were the generation told we could achieve anything and not to settle for being a 1950s housewife. I think it is drummed into us on such a subconscious level that it gave me a total fear of commitment. Ahhh if only I had hindsight!

 

[Jazzbird]

Ps neesaw - could also be a link between your year long wait for af after coming off depo although you can't be sure it wasn't down to hormone fluctuations.

 

[nessaw]

Jazz I used to have heavy and painful periods pre depo. Cont to be heavyish and painful post but post mc are now rarely painful. They started to get a little heavier post mc but since I took clomid are much lighter. So gone from 4-5 day heavy until day 3-4 afs to 2day with 3rd day brown watery discharge. Seem to be more brown than red on 1st 2 days. Sorry ladies for tmi. When I had 1st cd21 test which was apr/may 12 the gp said not anaemic. My cd21 tests were low prog but I put that down to early ov and shorter cycles than av. Oh no clotting other than mc. Thanks jazz.

 

[nessaw]

I spoke to my fert clinic yest and told them I wasn't happy with the cons I saw last time and wanted to speak to someone else. Particularly because he dismissed my concerns re a light af. Got an appt for 23rd oct so hopefully might get somewhere. Shd add that in june last yr I had an us to check for any issues and the doc said my lining was thin for the time of the month (had just ov) and that there were hormones I cd take b nothing came of it.

 

[Jazzbird]

Hey Neesaw - so the history paints a slightly different picture and it looks a bit more complex. I'm not sure what depo does to the body in tcm terms and without sitting down and doing a proper diagnosis I feel I could be ill advising you. I do know though that acupuncture is wonderful for regulating cycles. So I would definitely suggest you see one if you are interested and can afford one (they can be expensive but it's hard to make a good living out of it). If you do go - find one on British acupuncture council website or if you live near a college they have heavily subsidised student clinics overseen by practitioners.

There are many illnesses that I wouldn't advise acupuncture for but menstrual problems respond well to it. I have also heard that Chinese herbs can help with sperm issues. Although I'm not a herbalist.

I've also noticed doctors don't seem very interested in menstrual problems. They don't have many answers and then recommend very drastic solutions. It's so sad to hear about women having hysterectomies because of painful periods.

 

[Jazzbird]

Ps it could be that your heavy and painful periods have made you very blood deficient. And in tcm terms blood deficiency can impact fertility. The wonderful thing about Chinese medicine is that most things can be treated. Don't give up

 

[Jazzbird]

P.p.s you can still be blood deficient even if you're not anaemic. There are some parallels but its not a like for like comparison.

 

[nessaw]

Thanks jazz. I had had a google for fert acupunture but was unsure who to choose/trust. Will check out that website. Have got a hsg next wk which might shed some light. The gp thought I wasn't oving as prog was so low but us and pg showed I was!

 

[Katie Potatie]

Kat - so nice to talk to people who understand and don't judge. We were the generation told we could achieve anything and not to settle for being a 1950s housewife. I think it is drummed into us on such a subconscious level that it gave me a total fear of commitment. Ahhh if only I had hindsight!

Just wanted to jump in here because you hit the nail on the head. I was raised by a feminist, single-mom who drilled into me that I was to make something of myself, become educated and become independent. We never once talked about me becoming a mother or getting married because she was so worried I'd end up following in her footsteps of marrying young, putting all her faith in a husband and ending up as a single mother struggling to support a child alone.

So, I put off getting married and deciding to have children until later than many of those around me because I was trained to be a career-woman. It's no fault of our mothers, as they wanted better for us than they had, in the world they lived in...it's just ironic that what we often want at the end of the day, after all the education and career-climbing is baby slobber, dirty diapers and Mom's groups. I hope the next generation learns to celebrate a more happy medium.

Thanks for the vent!

 

[Jazzbird]

Hi Katie - so interesting to read your story! My parents stayed together but I vividly remember my mum screaming to us about how our father just leaves her to do everything and spends his life working and socialising. And that was from the age of 4 onwards. He was always working and playing away from home sadly. But her rants I think are the root cause of my fear of having kids. I didn't want to disappear into someone else. But now I'm older I can see it doesn't have to be that way. I have a wonderfully supportive and kind husband. But I fear I realised it all too late now

It's funny because my sister has 3 but she's unhappy too for different reasons - she disappeared into her kids and doesn't know who she is anymore.

It's strange how our very early lives shape our most important decisions.

 

[Juniperjules]

Yeh it's an interesting dichotomy really isn't it. I often wonder whether its a case of we always want wot we don't have. I've got friends with kids they adore, but who also feel (& appear) to have no real life or identity of their own. Even with 'nice' husbands, most of the time the buck stops with mums. Even well adjusted intelligent women still end up running around like headless chickens trying to keep everyone happy.

Having said that I can obviously say that I still desperately want to have kids..despite how hard it looks sometimes. But then I haven't spent all of my 20's & 30's being self sacrificing & forgetting who I am like some of my friends have. I've had friends almost have breakdowns bcos they feel so lost, like dont know who they are anymore. On the other side, occasionally I do wonder how hard it will be having a child after all these years of really only having to be responsible for myself ; )

I wonder if there IS a happy medium?? I mean my mum has been a brilliant mother, an amazing role model. She's a nurse, she did shifts so we never noticed her being at work much (nite duty), she cooked, cleaned, found time for us. She is loving, supportive, well balanced. But even with mum I can see that she has done EVERYTHING for us, but lost herself a bit along the way. I practically have to force her to spend money on herself or do any self pampering things. She put all of us first & kind of forgot about herself. I remembering hearing about the 'burnt chop syndrome' on Oprah once. Basically saying that if a mum is cooking dinner & a couple of the the chops get burnt, then she'll give the burnt ones to herself.. Not the kids or hubby.

And then I think.... Maybe THAT'S exactly wot a mum is??? Rather than seeing it as something negative- maybe that's just wot it means to be a mum. I love my mum more than life itself. If she has sacrificed, then every single second of it means the world to me & my sister. It's made us who we are. We're very close to her & would do anything for her. I guess that's the love & respect that she cultivated in us. And in turn we will always look out for her ' make sure she has what she needs.

 

[Jazzbird]

Juniper - you are so right on every point. And also you just never know what sort of child the stork will deliver. Out of my friends - the ones who let their children lead are the ones running around like headless chickens. They get no sleep and seem to have fussy kids. But my friends who are more parent led seem to have easier kids. I don't know - I'm sure it's not that simple.

I do think there is a tendency of our generation to focus all attention on their children. I'm not sure this is healthy. My nephews really have a sense of entitlement and they are only 6&4.

I guess in the olden days children were seen as another resource pitching in to help run the household or help with the family business. That motivation is no longer prevalent in the west for most families.

I really would hate to lose myself completely, yet I am tired of thinking and worrying about myself so endlessly. I feel I am missing the perspective &purpose a family brings. I also feel there is less sacrifice now - we are in a good place financially and I've not got great career ambitions. I've been to university, lived in another country, travelled, explored hobbies ... What else is there left to do? I mean there is so ugh left to do but it all feels more of the same.

I'm rambling but it would be nice to hear from anyone who has reached their happy medium - particularly from women who went from a place of independence and career to being a mum. How do you honestly find it?!

 

[KimmyKat]

it's just ironic that what we often want at the end of the day, after all the education and career-climbing is baby slobber, dirty diapers and Mom's groups. I hope the next generation learns to celebrate a more happy medium.

I'm new to the forums. I saw this thread and had to respond since it's exactly what I've been feeling for the past few months.

I'm 36 and a tenured professor, but after spending a decade of putting my studies and career first, I'd happily give it all up for a chubby, drooling baby. If you'd told me that this would be how I would feel when I was 26, I would've laughed and said, "As if!"

DH and I are heading into our 8th month of trying. This past cycle, my doctor put me on my first round of Clomid. I was a few days late, which got my hopes up until I read online that Clomid can delay AF. Well, this morning I got AF, and now I'm sitting on my couch feeling sad and frustrated. I need to find a more zen way of dealing with ttc because the cycle of mad hope, frustration, and despair is wearing me out.

 

[Jazzbird]

Hi KimmyKat ... welcome! Always nice to see a new face, particularly a cat playing with a typewriter ;-)

Sorry to hear you are in your 8 month trying ... similar for me and my hubby and same age too. We are still hoping for a natural BFP, although I'm heavily dosed up on chinese herbs. That's a bummer too about clomid. The day you get AF is always horrible. Even if you have tested and its negative, you still hope until you get AF. And I'm a test addict, swallowing pregnancy tests like they are sweets!!! Although this month's resolution is not to test until I get to 2 days late.

Most healthy couples 35+ do get their BFP within a year, so I'm hoping you'll get lucky in the next 4 tries - well that EVERYONE gets lucky in the next 4 tries. How nice would that be?!