TTC#2 for the 4th month

[CJGirl]

Hey Ladies. I am losing my mind and really don't know where else to turn at the moment. I am refraining from talking to my sister in law, my mom, and even DH right now about TTC. I thought about joining another forum, but don't want to have to explain myself or encounter rude people, which I have noticed more and more rude posts in other discussions lately, so I am just going to rant here and get it all out. I am pretty sure AF was due today, if not tomorrow. I'm CD29, 14DPO (I think, I didn't use OPKs this month, but had O pains and EWCM around CD13, which is my usual O time) I am having cramping, but it is weird cramping that is kind of a dull pain on both sides and in my legs and I usually only cramp after I have started bleeding. I was out shopping and the pain started and I got nauseated, which was kind of weird too, and I was sure AF would be there when I got home, but nothing. I have creamy, white CM, CP is kind of high and only slightly open and has been like that all day. Usually it drops about midday (I've become obsessed with checking it these past few months). Thing is, I've had BFNs since 7DPO. I know I should give up, but I know that DH is not going to be able to try anymore and especially after seeing my stomach today. I have a huge green and black bruise from hitting a capillary with an injection and it bled out. He can't take seeing me in pain. I am fine with putting up with the shots, but he is just wearing thin on faith and hope. I don't blame him one bit. I wish I could just give up and be okay with it. I don't know what to do. Even though FB kills me with all the baby pics and ultrasounds and construction of baby furniture that I see from everyone, every time I see pics of your precious babies I can't help but smile I just wish I had pics to post too. With these cramps and the BFNs it's doubtful though I've been obsessively googling my "symptoms" and all, and of course found a few that still got a BFP, but I also may have just ovulated late again because of the MC and missed the egg completely. I don't know what to think or do or say to DH. I guess I just won't say anything and hope that we keep trying.

 

[nlb]

CJGirl I hope you get a BFP soon. Sorry I haven't been on here lately. I just got an email today but haven't gotten one in a while to tell me anyone had posted anything. i guess I am going to have to start checking more often.

 

[CJGirl]

CJGirl I hope you get a BFP soon. Sorry I haven't been on here lately. I just got an email today but haven't gotten one in a while to tell me anyone had posted anything. i guess I am going to have to start checking more often.

AF arrived last night. I asked DH if we were going to keep trying and he said he didn't know.

 

[dragonfly26]

Cjgirl, I am so sorry to hear af started. Boo! I hear you on the other site and starting new, when I randomly google questions I have an it brings me to a forum there are so many snarky remarks and replies it's just ridiculous! I can only imagine how hard it is for dh to see you go through so much with the shot, as I'm sure it's hard for you as we'll. its a decision only the two of you can make and if your still up for it he should back you up on that. Thinking of you.

 

[CJGirl]

Hey Ladies! I hope you have all been having a wonderful holiday! I have been hesitant to tell anyone this, even y'all because I am so scared, and in fact I typed out a long post the other day only to have it not post and then was afraid it was a sign that I shouldn't say anything, but today I am so terrified and not wanting to burden DH with it I thought it was time to unload on y'all lol On Tuesday, December 30 I got a BFP on a FRER. It was only 8/9 DPO and at first I didn't even know. It was about 6am when I took the test and I was so tired and my eyes so blurry I looked at it for only a minute and tossed it knowing it was probably too early. When I got up a couple of hours later I got it out of the trash and there was a line, but it looked just like an evap I got last cycle. I told my SIL I was pissed I got another evap (she is not on her 3rd month or so TTC) and showed her. She said she thought it might be a little pink, but I didn't want to waste a test. I waited a few hours and caved. I got the same line and then another a few hours after that. I'll shorten this story…since then I have had like 10 positive FRER…one pos FRER digital on wednesday…one pos CB digital 1-2 weeks on both Thursday and Saturday and now a darker FRER today. AF is due tomorrow and I am going to try and get a beta done, but I am terrified beyond belief that it is another chemical. There have been so many signs that this was our cycle though! I am a little superstitious and first of all last cycle AF arrived 3 days early. I was pissed thinking that my cycles were still screwed up from the CP, but then I realized that it put me ovulating while DH and I were on our anniversary trip. Second, my hematologist made an appt for me on Jan. 9 while I was there in Oct. He said that I only needed to come if I am pregnant, which he was sure I would be. I also found out Jan. 9, 2005 that I was pregnant with Ally, so I thought that was a good sign. Then there was the fortune cookie I go that said I was going to get something I have wanted for a while and then there was the fact that the baby would be due the day before Ally's bday and on her favorite show the mom had a baby on the youngest child's bday and I had asked Ally how she would feel if that happened (her half brother from her father was born 2 days after her bday) and she said as long as we have 2 parties, I'm fine! I know this is probably all coincidence, but I can't help but hope!

Okay, I have rambled long enough! Cross your fingers and say a prayer for me! Keep those adorable pics of your babies coming on FB! I love them!

 

[dragonfly26]

Wow, sounds like so many positive signs!!! So exciting! I will be praying and crossing my fingers for you. Eek!!! I have been checking I here but no one ever posts. I am soooooo happy to hear this!!!

 

[athena87]

Cjgirl I pray this is it for you. Keep us updated

 

[Misscalais]

Oh my goodness good luck. Im praying that this is finally a baby you get to take home. I haven't been on here for 6 months! Wow. Keep us updated hun.

 

[CJGirl]

Thanks girls! I am so scared that tomorrow AF will show or my beta will be low or something will go wrong! Last time I only got one beta the day before AF was due and it was 50 and I didn't have another done before the ultrasound. I am going to go to the health center at work to have 2 done this week to see that it is increasing. We don't want any surprises like last time. Going for the US and thinking we are going to see something and nothing be there was horrible! I will definitely keep y'all updated!

 

[dragonfly26]

Yay! So will your first appointment be the 9th?

 

[CJGirl]

Yay! So will your first appointment be the 9th?

The appointment on the 9th is actually with my hematologist to monitor my clotting factors since I have been on the injections. He said he is only concerned with checking them if I am pregnant because otherwise I should be fine because the injections don't require frequent blood tests like my pills. I am extra nervous I think because during that US last time she said that the lining of my uterus was so thin that she would be surprised if I even started to bleed anytime soon. I am worried that I lost the last one because of the lining and it couldn't fully attach. I did start bleeding that night and a good amount, but I am worried that there is a problem with my lining from the iud or something.

I will let you know what my beta is tomorrow! I am going to go have it drawn asap and waiting around until they have the result which usually only takes 30 minutes or so.

 

[CJGirl]

So my HCG was at 43.81 today. So yay for me actually 100% being pregnant, but I am still so so scared that I am going to have another CP. I made a lab appt with my ob bc the health center at work was closed, but wouldn't get the result until tomorrow. Then my mom, who works at the health center said that the lab girl said she would do it for me anyway and tell me today. So I guess as stupid as it is I am going to go to my OB's lab tomorrow anyway and have the test done there. It will probably be the same, but I just don't want to deal with waiting to switch the day or anything. I told the nurse I want more than one test before the u/s.

 

[dragonfly26]

That is so great I can completely understand not wanting to wait. And they should do more tests. In surprised they wouldn't want to and you would have to even ask . Can't wait for another update

 

[CJGirl]

I went to the OB and had another draw done this morning. Like I said, it will probably be the same, but they are checking my progesterone too which makes me feel a little better. Hopefully it isn't lower! I really wish I had of had some kind of idea when my HCG dropped with the CP. It was 50 14 dpo, one day before AF due and then 23 8 days later. I had no other draws and didn't take anymore HPTs so I have no idea when things went south. DH and I are so hesitate to even let a hint of excitement creep in. I don't get the results from that test until tomorrow. I have tried looking up if my level is good, but it has only scared me more! I am trying to stay away from the internet in regards to it, but it's so hard lol I'll let you know what they say tomorrow!

 

[dragonfly26]

I swear the internet can be a persons worst enemy. Did you get your results yet?

 

[CJGirl]

I swear the internet can be a persons worst enemy. Did you get your results yet?

I called about 15 minutes ago and they said they weren't ready. It drives me crazy that the lab at my ob doesn't do in house testing so it takes forever since they send it out. I can't go to the lab at work bc she told me to come back Monday since they are really closed this week. I am in a total panic. I am terrified that the new results will be lower or not have changed although that wouldn't be horrible since they are only one day after the first. I am just so scared. I have never been so scared, not even last time. I really hope they call soon. I am at work, but I have gotten to a point where it has lost being a distraction and I'm not getting anything done.

 

[dragonfly26]

How frustrating. I can only imagine how distracted you must be. Let me know when you hear something

 

[CJGirl]

How frustrating. I can only imagine how distracted you must be. Let me know when you hear something

I will. I may totally lose my mind if they don't call today lol

 

[dragonfly26]

They better call today! Have you tried calling them again?

 

[CJGirl]

They better call today! Have you tried calling them again?

They still haven't called and I haven't called again because she said she would have the nurse call as soon as the results arrived. Yesterday I took another CB digital and a FRER. The CB said 1-2 for the weeks. I took another FRER with FMU today and the test line was the same color as the control line. I couldn't stand it so when I got home at 3 I took another CB digital and it said 2-3! So at least there is slight relief at the sight of that! I wish I had of continued to test last time so I would know how high my levels may have been or at least when they began to drop. I'm really tired, so that makes me feel a little better as well.