And about stopping ttc
I am just so tired of living my life with constantly thinking about babies, making babies, being jealous over pregnant women and babies, and why is it so hard for us, being mad at my husband for his issue, being mad at myself for mine.
My daughter knew about the baby last summer. The three of us looked at baby's growth every week in my pregnancy journal. She came to the ultrasound and seen baby jumping around, flailing its arms and legs and seen its heart beating away (even though it was very high 178bpm). She had been asking for a sibling for many many years. Took us nearly a year to get pregnant (which was annoying but still good statistic wise). We all discussed and voted on names. She was getting her room prepared, in case it wouldve been a girl and she wanted her to room with her.
When we were on vacation and my miscarriage started, Hailey was mad at me. She thought I bumped my belly, or fell or was in the sun too much at the beach. My In Laws drove 6 hours down to where we were vacationing and they watched Hailey as we went to the hospital (I couldnt put Hailey through this if something was wrong). After many hours and test after test and ultrasound. The doctor said so very bluntly that baby's heart stopped working, you have had a miscarriage.
We immediately started crying and the first words from dh's mouth was "How is Hailey going to take this?".......Well let me say this. She didnt take it well.
I didnt take it well. I lived off it. Talked about it constantly and for the rest of the vacation and for the rest of summer, I did nothing outside and didnt go anywhere. I really deprived my DD mommy time because of the intense grieveing I was dealing with.
Everyday for a month and a half, Hailey had a new baby name for us to consider, until finally it stopped.
Hailey started Kindergarten a few months later, and the first picture she drew was of her and I smiling while mommy was holding the smiley opk in her hand.
Devastating and sad.
My point of all this rambling, is that the child we do have, has feeling of it all too. And if we are always sad or what have you with ttc. They sense it too. Hence a big part of why I think I need to take it easy.
I already have one blessing who needs me so much!
I really really hope your daughter gets the sibling she probably wishes so much for.
Its really tough to tell a small child they will have no one.
I am bawling my eyes out writing this.
Love Ya girl and hope this truly is it for you.
