What not to say:

[MrsMoose]

My mother told me once, when she heard of my 3rd miscarriage, 'oh well, at least you miscarried or it would have been born ********'.

From my mother.

Way to go on the sensitivity there Mom. And never mind voicing your own feelings on having a disabled grandchild. Sheesh.

 

[Starry Night]

What a terrible thing to say! I'm so sorry.

 

[zilla]

"Maybe you weren't even pregnant in the first place .. maybe it was just a dodgy test"
No, I WAS pregnant. I felt symptoms. Just because a loss is so early on, doesn't make it any less important!

(chemical pregnancy)

 

[skyesmom]

"Maybe you weren't even pregnant in the first place .. maybe it was just a dodgy test"
No, I WAS pregnant. I felt symptoms. Just because a loss is so early on, doesn't make it any less important!

(chemical pregnancy)

ahhh this used to make me go berserk!! it got a bit better after two years since the loss, but still... how can people think that denying someone's loss and experience can be helpful or understanding???

 

[zilla]

"Maybe you weren't even pregnant in the first place .. maybe it was just a dodgy test"
No, I WAS pregnant. I felt symptoms. Just because a loss is so early on, doesn't make it any less important!

(chemical pregnancy)

ahhh this used to make me go berserk!! it got a bit better after two years since the loss, but still... how can people think that denying someone's loss and experience can be helpful or understanding???

People are idiots, lol!
Or when they say stuff that's supposed to make you feel better but just sounds condescending and like you shouldn't even be upset in the first place:

"oh well, you can try again...you're still young"

It doesn't help .. just makes you feel like you don't even have a right to be sad about it!

 

[discohospital]

Firstly, I'm so sorry for ALL of your losses. I really, really wish everyone had their beautiful children with them today.

I'm 32 and have had two pregnancies/two miscarriages at 5 & 6 weeks in the last 4 months. I'm taking some time to recover, but plan to start trying again in a couple of months. My husband of 8 years and I are more than ready.

The first time I was pregnant I was so excited that I told everyone immediately.
I never thought things might go wrong, then bam! I broke the bad news and found myself surprised at how ANGRY I felt with some of the reactions.

One friend (who has two girls and luckily no losses) went into a long emotional ramble about how much she cried and thought she was "less of a woman" because it took her two cycles to get pregnant with her 2nd child, unlike the first child which she conceived in 1 cycle. Umm...why would that make me feel better?

Then there is the other side of it. My wonderful sister as well as one beautiful, sensitive friend held me and cried. They both said hopeful things about the future but acknowledged that this was just a horrible thing. That is the closest thing I've had to comfort...but to be honest I didn't like that either! I love these people and I don't like to see them crying.

How backwards is that?

In my case, I found that there are lots and lots of wrong things to say, but no right thing. Nothing is going to help but time, I'm hoping. For now, though, everything hurts and is a reminder.

My husband expressed he thought his feelings had been ignored from the beginning, which surprised me because he tends to be upfront about things. He said his fears were all to do with the future and how our lives would change whereas mine were on the "physiological" side of things. I comforted him but secretly was angry as hell. But I'm trying. Trying to just GET OVER IT. He didn't feel the pain I did. He doesn't see the blood every time he goes to the bathroom going on 3 weeks. To him, it's all over for this round. For me I'm still grieving and will be for a long time.

Anyway. That's my rant...

I want to thank you all for reaching out. We are lucky to be able to share our frustrations with people who know exactly where we come from.

 

[Starry Night]

It's true that we are the ones with physical reminders. I had a person ask me after each of my losses if I had "healed emotionally yet" within a week of the loss and I was still bleeding like mad. How can the emotions heal when the body hasn't? And grief doesn't just go away all at once. It's a process! And you can feel the physical effects of a m/c for months after. My cycles are always messed up for months and my AFs are so super duper heavy for at least 2 or 3 cycles. I also got post partum depression after two of them. That doesn't just go away.

I usually just hid myself away for awhile afterwards which, of course, people resented. But my health and my grief are not about them. I think that has been the most painful thing because people make my problem all about them. I'm just thankful I had a friend who had gone through multiple losses too and were able to share our experiences. It's nice to have someone who understands. I am also lucky to have a dh who fully understands and has been just has invested in having children. He's always wanted children so it makes him connected to everything too.

 

[Riley_Zoo]

Hi every one, I am so sorry for all of your loses, it is the hardest thing in the world to go through. I have had two miscarriages now and going through the conflict of whether to try again and if I could go through the pain of a third.
I just wanted to let you know the worst thing anyone has ever said to me.
It was after my first miscarriage, we hadn't told anyone we were trying or pregnant, but my husband wanted to tell his mum that we had lost our baby, she had had problem conceiving him so he wanted to talk to her thinking she would kind of understand.
Well we told her and instead of her saying she was sorry for the loss or giving us a hug, a huge smile went across her face and she said 'does this mean your trying for a baby? have you spoken to the doctor about trying again straight away or do you have to wait? also do you know why you miscarried, will it be a problem going forward or does the doctor think you can still have a baby?'
I was gob smacked I just stared at her, to which she said, 'of coarse it's a horrible thing to go through and i'm really sorry for your loss'
I nearly cried I couldn't believe it. she is so desperate for grand children that she didn't care that we had just lost one, she wanted to know when we would start again. It was so hurtful, I didn't speak to her for two weeks.

 

[hanni]

The worst response I've had so far /the most insensitive person (only found out I'd had a mmc yesterday) was my Dr's office receptionist. I went for a private scan so had to get in touch with my midwife after. After several calls that went through to voice mail I rang my gp and asked to be put through.
She told me she had just left the building, when I asked to speak to another midwife or a Dr she was extremely rude and said no, you'll have to wait. I then told her it was urgent she ever so bluntly went "what is so urgent?!" When I told her I'd just had bad news at a scan she went well what do you mean and pried for every detail. At which point (choking up crying) I burst out that I'd just lost my baby and she was just like.. "well you didn't tell me that!!" Not a hint of sympathy. (Why would I have wanted to discuss it with the Dr's arrogant receptionist in the first place?!) What a surprise the midwife was on the phone within 20 seconds... wasn't very far out the door was she!

My OH has said the usual silly things.. "it wasn't ment be" but I just think he doesn't know what else to say. He also came out with "I'm so sorry, it's my fault".. I tried to comfort him but was really just thinking put the self pitty crap away. He has also gone off to work tonight (could have easily got it off).. despite the fact we lost our first child yesterday. Ouch that one hurt.

The things people do/act can be just as hurtful as words.

I am truly sorry for all of your losses.

 

[JJKCB]

wow Ive only read one page of this so far an cant believe people would say most of these, ill admit 2 have crossed my mind (although ive never said them but they went thought nastily - although I could see why they would sound confusing) but the mass majority are just so down right mean and nasty... I mean who says thing like that to someone who just lost a child

 

[klouise1993]

I heard pretty much most of these the day after I had a miscarriage I don't think some people realize how hurtful these comments can be. My heart goes out to everyone that has suffered a miscarriage to be honest didn't realize how emotionally draining and heartbreaking it was until I experienced one myself 2 weeks ago. Love to everyone! Xx

 

[dairymomma]

Not everyone thinks before they speak. I was recently visiting with a few other couples and we were discussing the cost of health insurance and taxes. One of the guys in the conversation jokingly said, "Well, you know all you need to do to bring your taxes down is have a few more kids." All the ladies in the room as well as my DH (they all know about my miscarriages) were stunned because he had addressed this remark to me-the one who has had 8 miscarriages, the most recent of which had been just two months prior. He couldn't have known how his comment hurt because he's clueless about my miscarriage history but it led to a very uncomfortable awkward silence in which I'm sure he was wondering why his joke didn't pan out. But it's things like that (as well as numerous facebook posts complaining about pregnancy symptoms being 'so bad') that make me more cautious about what I say or post because you never know who might be hurting.

 

[GingerPanda]

The Facebook posts are the worst... A girl I went to school with has four boys, no miscarriages. Now all she does is complain because she just found out baby number five is "ANOTHER BOY". SIL is doing the same thing. She's an unmarried, bratty, irresponsible teenager working on baby number two... and she's more concerned that baby is "another girl" than how she's going to feed the kid.

I wish that was all I had to complain about! Especially as I sit here recovering from my second miscarriage while hubs is out of town. No live children yet.

 

[hanni]

I went out for dinner with my best friend the other day (she's 32 weeks pregnant) and she was like oh lucky you, you can have a drink! I'm jealous!

Yes, how lucky am I. A drink. Just what I always wanted. Nevermind the fact I had a miscarriage less than a week before hand. Who wants to be pregnant and go on to have a healthy baby when you can have a vodka and coke?
People are idiots!

 

[MiniKiwi]

I've searched for an appropriate thread and this is the closest I've found so: my friend's twin boys were stillborn, I want to send her a pm on fb (we live very far away so I can't visit her). I desperately don't want to say the wrong thing, does this sound ok?

Hey (friend's name),

Just wanted you to know that we are thinking of you, (her partner's name) and your beautiful boys. Hope you and (partner) are taking care of eachother. You are a wonderful friend and a wonderful mummy, I wish I were close enough to give proper hugs but internet hugs will have to do until we visit. Love you x

 

[skyesmom]

hey hey! it is so nice to find people who want to take care of their friends!

nothing wrong with your message, i would just maybe add that you are sorry for their loss, and that their angels won't be forgotten by the people who love them.

also, when sending out a message like that, if she is a close friend and someone you really care about, i would ask her now and then how she feels and check up on her, even if she brushes you off with "all fine" or no reply at all.

often people really want to talk about their loss and their feelings, but find the subject to heavy to open up about, they may think they don't wanna burden you or don't think they'll find understanding and respect (as you can see from all the posts above, it is unfortunately a pretty common thing and often you just don't have emotional strength to guess who's gonna greet your open, wounded heart with respect and a loving hug, and who's gonna involuntarily massacre it, despite best intentions).

the best you can do is offer a listening, careful ear and acknowledge the loss, without attempting to console them or make them feel better, because nothing you say can really help. no words can substitute the lost babies, but what makes a world of difference indeed is knowing that at least that loss and the grief and the suffering that come with it are acknowledged and accepted and... normal.

people often change profoundly after an experience like this, it affects everything from the relationship to their own selves, god/religion, their partner, friends, work... so be ready for some bumpy times ahead... that might as well strengthen your friendship even more!

 

[skyesmom]

I went out for dinner with my best friend the other day (she's 32 weeks pregnant) and she was like oh lucky you, you can have a drink! I'm jealous!

Yes, how lucky am I. A drink. Just what I always wanted. Nevermind the fact I had a miscarriage less than a week before hand. Who wants to be pregnant and go on to have a healthy baby when you can have a vodka and coke?
People are idiots!

next time you could reply with something like: "lucky you, you can have your baby! i'm jealous!"

i think it would make people more aware, your friend at least.

 

[Topanga053]

I've searched for an appropriate thread and this is the closest I've found so: my friend's twin boys were stillborn, I want to send her a pm on fb (we live very far away so I can't visit her). I desperately don't want to say the wrong thing, does this sound ok?

Hey (friend's name),

Just wanted you to know that we are thinking of you, (her partner's name) and your beautiful boys. Hope you and (partner) are taking care of eachother. You are a wonderful friend and a wonderful mummy, I wish I were close enough to give proper hugs but internet hugs will have to do until we visit. Love you x

I agree with Skye about adding language about how her sons will never be forgotten and that you are there for her if there's anything she needs. Checking up periodically is also HUGE, even if she doesn't say much. Knowing other people cared beyond the first, easy obligatory Facebook message meant SO MUCH to me. When people don't check in, it feels like everyone has forgotten your babies, which makes you feel that much more alone. If you're really good friends, I would also suggest putting a note on your calendar of important dates, like re anniversary of her loss or when the babies would have actually been due (if they were born early). Anniversaries are incredibly hard for most women who have had a miscarriage and our friends/family almost never remember or acknowledge them, which again makes us feel that much more alone. Most of us desperately want to feel as though our babies are still remembered; that their short lives meant something to someone other than just us. Reaching out with another message or a card or flowers on the anniversary of her loss or the supposed due date can mean a lot.

I'm so glad you care so much about her... she is so lucky to have a friend as thoughtful as you!

 

[skyesmom]

Knowing other people cared beyond the first, easy obligatory Facebook message meant SO MUCH to me. When people don't check in, it feels like everyone has forgotten your babies, which makes you feel that much more alone. If you're really good friends, I would also suggest putting a note on your calendar of important dates, like re anniversary of her loss or when the babies would have actually been due (if they were born early). Anniversaries are incredibly hard for most women who have had a miscarriage and our friends/family almost never remember or acknowledge them, which again makes us feel that much more alone. Most of us desperately want to feel as though our babies are still remembered; that their short lives meant something to someone other than just us. Reaching out with another message or a card or flowers on the anniversary of her loss or the supposed due date can mean a lot.

I'm so glad you care so much about her... she is so lucky to have a friend as thoughtful as you!

and i totally second Topanga on all of this! this weekend marks the 2nd year of my loss and except for the OH and me, no one remembered so far, closest family and friends included, even though we were both really clear that it's an anniversary we'd love to cherish and remember as much as our own birthdays!

...i have to say, i have found a good place inside of me with my angel, so after two years rather than feeling bitter about this, i find i can say that the two most important people on earth remembered our baby, and that is OH and me

still, i can't help but notice that other people kind of... stopped caring. and being this calm about it is almost an uberhuman achievement! the thing that keeps the calm inside my heart is the pure, infinite love i feel for my baby, and the deep knowledge that this kind of love will never fade and that it's more than enough for the three of us. but it took two long years of persistent hard work on our own selves (and therapy!) to reach this point. sure, it would be way better if at least someone remembered and sent a note, and it always means the world to me. especially when tough moments creep up unexpectedly (and that can happen literally anytime). then every single word of compassion and acknowledgment ever received at any time, is literally an anchor and a savior and a healing bandage i personally cling on to get me through.

your friend is really lucky to have you!

 

[nessaw]

I third this as well. My family didn't remember the first due date or anniversary of our first mc but my mil and friends did and I really appreciated their msgs of support.
I completely get that people don't know what to say. I just went into work for the first time since losing our twins at 15wks and my line manager commented that I had lost weight. I really had to bite my tongue not to reply in a nasty/sarcastic fashion.