What not to say:

[Starry Night]

I still remember my best friend telling me that she cried when she found out about my first m/c and that she had already loved my baby because it was mine. That was so wonderful to hear. I remembered to thank her for that comment too.

I would much rather hear "that sucks" than "everything happens for a reason".

 

[darkriver]

Three months after my mc "You shouldnt have another baby right now." from my HV.

 

[HBGirl]

I have 3 losses before DD. On gorgeous comment was "at least you know can get pregnant".

 

[KatieSweet]

I had a doctor (of all people) tell me, "30 years ago women didn't even know they were pregnant at this stage!" ...what in the actual h, man! That was just douchetastic.

 

[Cameliaa]

Sadly, it was my husband who told me I should move on and it wasn't real as it happened so early (baby was 7/w, I miscarried at 12/w). I really don't know how to get over this experience as it is the next bad thing what could happen after my loss. I feel betrayed and isolated.

 

[skyesmom]

cameliaa, he's still in shock and has no idea how his words sound like. somehow men are better with staying in the denial phase when it comes to coping with the loss. it was his child as well and maybe this is his way of coping with the pain and staying strong for you. and this with staying strong at all costs is an idiotic thing men are taught to do since they're kids, which makes it harder for them to express their own feelings, share them, allow themselves to feel and so on.. because they HAVE to stay strong. but it is impossible to stay strong AND feel this kind of grief at the same time. therefore denial. if it wasn't real, it doesn't hurt or it shouldn't hurt. but this is just a superficial shield and shell that has nothing to do with his real feelings.
men as well kinda try to fix things and when they can't, they feel helpless and come out with this kind of shit - in his case, this was his failed attempt to fix you and take your grief away - which he can't. my ex as well came up with all sorts of shit from "i never wanted a baby" to "i know other women who had had losses and none of them is as sad as you are" etc... he broke down only months later and confessed how much he was grieving himself.

on top of all, all the attention is focused on you when a couple loses a child, very little people ask him how he feels (friends, family, colleagues,etc), so even more reason to feel not being allowed to grieve and go into denial and say shit like this. i know it hurts like hell when you hear these words, but please remember they're being said by a person who is also grieving and has no idea how to cope.

 

[Cameliaa]

skyesmom, thanks so much for sharing this. I don't know if he is grieving at all. He has always been so much focused on practical things - you know, fixing everything with his hands. When I called him from hospital, he came in with all the things I needed and just told me that we should try again... In the hospital! I was not even able to grasp what is happening as he was already thinking about moving on. And then in 2 days after I miscarried he left for 3 weeks. And I think he is doing fine on his trip. He writes and calls occasionally and speaks only about what sights he's been enjoying and what he is up to. I don't know, maybe you are right about his pain and grief, but I have a hard time seeing him sad at all. Perhaps he is in the denial phase, which should break once he comes home and starts talking to me.

 

[skyesmom]

i had a similar situation as well, with my ex taking off for a 6 weeks trip and doing exactly what your OH is now. the trip was planned beforehand but he didn't cancel it although it has been a week only since we lost our baby.

this is a hard core denial, as well the phrase: "we should try again" is really just a men's desperate attempt to "fix" things that can't be fixed. it is like: "ok, she needs this and this and this from home. ok, got that. now, we lost this baby - shit and devastation - so let's make a new one to take all that away."
but it doesn't work this way, it doesn't work either for them. it just takes them a while to click. it is not their body so they can go into this phase much easier than a woman can. they can act all happy and excited and whatnot, but there's a deep deep restlessness below. it just takes a while for them to surrender to it. especially these kind of practical problem solvers who can take anything but feeling helpless. i don't know if he has ever lost anyone in his family, but i tell you - he'll come around, it just takes a while to hit him. maybe not even immediately when he's back from his trip.
this was the case with my ex - came back and i had to listen about his travels and whenever i mentioned i needed us to talk about our baby he would just say he ain't ready. this went on for months and it was one of the hardest things i had to deal with in my life. he eventually broke down almost 10 months after the loss and then came all the words and things i really really really needed and longed to hear.

my advice is yes, give him some time to get his head around, but also if you really need to talk, tell him. tell him that despite being sad yourself, you want to know what his true feelings are, that you know he's feeling helpless and incapable of helping you and solving the situation, but that making a new baby doesn't replace the one you've lost, like losing a sibling isn't easier because you already have another...
tell him, without attacking him, that you do know that he cared about your lost baby but that you need him to show that to you more openly, as this denial he is in is really hurting you and making you feel alone.
that the best way to help you is to expose himself to the reality of the loss you guys have suffered as a couple, or at least that you have suffered as a woman - because you have also lost something that was a part of your body as well.

maybe even look for a grief councilor or a couple therapist. this i say as the lack of communication and the running away from facing things on his side for all that time has ruined the relationship we were in and it ended for good. i now have another OH which i wouldn't trade for the world, yet if that previous relationship would have ended differently, still with a break up but in a less devastating way, it would have made my life way way simpler.

miscarriage really really affects relationships, even the strongest ones, but it doesn't mean the end due to the hardships. it may even bring you closer after a while.
i am sending you a huge huge huge hug.

 

[Cameliaa]

Thank you. I am sorry that the relationship ended, but glad to hear you are with another OH now. We've been together 17 years so I really would hate a thought of not going through this. So I really hope we will be able to make it, but gosh, this is so similar story with your ex! The thing is that I knew right from the begnining how serious it is because my best friend didn't seek help when she lost her baby and 4 months after she literally almost died. She was in coma for three days and we all prayed for her to come back. And she did. The reason for the health issues was that she didn't cope with her miscarriage. So I went to the pastor and councillor myself. And I think I will be able to get through this because I allow myself to mourn. I let in sorrow. But this is not the first loss I've had, I have lost many loved ones and family members including my father so I know I cannot ran away from the pain. Although nothing can compare to losing a baby. My husband hasn't lost anyone in his family. He lost his granparents in his early childhood, but he doesn't even remember seeing them. So he hasn't really experienced loss and sorrow. Not in his immediate family.

I will try to talk to him once he is back. I will also suggest that we go to a councilor toghether, although knowing him, I don't think it will be in my power to convince him. He often tends to say that therapy is not for him and not for men generally... So let's see.

Thanks again! It is good to have an explanation of what might be going on with him lately. He might not be aware of the depths of my sorrow.

 

[skyesmom]

glad i could help! i think he's actually aware of it you know, but it is so scary to him, both your sorrow AND his, that it is like looking at your worst nightmare come true, and feeling so overwhelmed by it that your only reaction is to stick your head in the sand and pretend it is not there, so it may not come after you. the thing is, it will, sooner or later.

and 17 years of relationship... congrats for making it this far in the world where people nowadays give up at the first little hardships and throw away worthy things in replacement for "something better" that actually never goes past the first problem-free phase and rarely gets to something deeper! i am sure you guys will make it through this as well!

ps. if you ever need to talk, pm me.

 

[Rina_Barrowma]

completely agree

 

[07janet]

The one i got all the time was "At least you can get pregnant" since it was my first try in my honeymoon and i came back pregnant. People don't understand until they been in the same place

 

[NorthStar]

From my BFF (pregnant with second textbook pregnancy) on my first MC " at least you know you can get pregnant"

On my second MC "it makes it worse that you found out so early" - what the actual fuck, I found out the day my period failed to arrive

I'd have been really happy for something as generic as "that's crap I'm really sorry" not only have I lost 2 pregnancies, I've lost my what I thought was my friend because I can't be around her anymore

 

[KatieSweet]

One of my closest friends has been TTC for over a year to no avail, and while I feel for her and she's honestly one of the sweetest people I know, I had to grit my teeth a little bit when she reacted to my MC with: "I wish I could have felt what you did". To have been pregnant, even this briefly, was something she was almost envious of, because she said at least I was a mom (and she implied I should thus be thankful - not hatefully, but out of not understanding what this is like). I had to explain that while she wanted a baby, I wanted my lost baby back (i.e. I experienced grief). And those are two completely valid desires with their own set of emotions, but they are apples and oranges, incomparable.

 

[NorthStar]

One of my closest friends has been TTC for over a year to no avail, and while I feel for her and she's honestly one of the sweetest people I know, I had to grit my teeth a little bit when she reacted to my MC with: "I wish I could have felt what you did". To have been pregnant, even this briefly, was something she was almost envious of, because she said at least I was a mom (and she implied I should thus be thankful - not hatefully, but out of not understanding what this is like). I had to explain that while she wanted a baby, I wanted my lost baby back (i.e. I experienced grief). And those are two completely valid desires with their own set of emotions, but they are apples and oranges, incomparable.

I've been on both sides of this situation, experienced infertility with my previous partner, TTC for a couple of years and BFN every month.

Yes they are different experiences, but MC is far worse, because you've fallen from a far greater height IMO, and all your hopes and dreams which had seemed close, are smashed out your hands

 

[Nina83]

One of my closest friends has been TTC for over a year to no avail, and while I feel for her and she's honestly one of the sweetest people I know, I had to grit my teeth a little bit when she reacted to my MC with: "I wish I could have felt what you did". To have been pregnant, even this briefly, was something she was almost envious of, because she said at least I was a mom (and she implied I should thus be thankful - not hatefully, but out of not understanding what this is like). I had to explain that while she wanted a baby, I wanted my lost baby back (i.e. I experienced grief). And those are two completely valid desires with their own set of emotions, but they are apples and oranges, incomparable.

I've had that said to me as well, but by a girl who was only trying for a couple of months. Each time she came to talk to me about how "hard it was for her" I had to swallow my tears because she kept going back to that sentence- at least you know you can get pregnant.
Yes, and I lost my babies twice. That's no condolence at all.
The pain of loosing my babies was worse that failing to conceive.

 

[chistiana]

Ok seriously not funny but I had to share...after my third mc a "friend" jokingly said (on the actual day I told her I had lost my 3rd baby): "wth are you making a collection of them or something"?

Say Whaaaaaaaaatttt??? After that you know you ll never ever look at this person the same again.

 

[KatieSweet]

Northstar & Nina83 - I agree, it is worse. Nina, I'm sorry your friend reacted the way she did. Yes, TTC is exciting and BFN's can be frustrating (and we get that, geez, we do!). But a few months only? Your friend really should have taken a backseat there. Not cool.
Because I got pregnant on my 3rd cycle trying, I try not to judge my friend for how she reacted... I can understand that it's hard to see women all around you successfully conceive when you're TTC for over a year. Even if it goes wrong for some of us, to women longterm TTC it's still something they can't (yet) have.
Her effort to empathize came from the place she knew: wanting to get pregnant, but not really grasping that a successful conception does not a successful pregnancy make. It was no longer about getting pregnant, it was about losing a baby. She hasn't experienced that last part, and I hope she never will, even if that means she'll never truly understand what I'm going through right now.

Christiana - oh wow. I'm speechless. I'm so sorry your "friend" said that to you. I don't think I would be able to ever confide in them again if someone said that to me.

 

[chistiana]

Katie, thanks I was speechless too and I don't consider her a friend anymore! Seriously??? A collection of lost babies??? SERIOUSLY???

 

[madtowngirl]

This isn't really so much a specific thing not to say, but one problem I've had is people who I've told constantly bringing up my miscarriage. I certainly know who NOT to tell about the one I just had.

If I want to talk about it, *I* will bring it up. I don't need *you* reminding me of it when I've just managed to get my mind off of it.

Sorry, that was a little more ranty that I meant it to be, but that is one that really chaps my hide.