What not to say:

[KatieSweet]

Katie, thanks I was speechless too and I don't consider her a friend anymore! Seriously??? A collection of lost babies??? SERIOUSLY???

Like it's a stamp or coin collection? Ughhhh. Mehhhh. Blarg.
BYE.

Madtowngirl - No need to apologize here, rant away! I'd get tired of it too if other people kept bringing it up... Boundaries, people. *shakes head*

 

[chistiana]

Madtowngirl totally understand...for me it's like people either don't acknowledge my losses at all OR they talk about it like we re talking about the weather!

 

[coffeemom333]

This is a great post, thank you for talking about the things people shouldn't say to someone having a miscarriage. Hopefully this post stays up indefinitely. I am currently going through my second miscarriage and already have had people (mostly family) say several of these hurtful comments. The best thing a family member or friend can do is just be there for you. Unfortunately, a lot of the time people think they need to say something or do something to help you feel better and "fix" your emotions, but it just makes it worse. I don't think people really are thinking about what they say before they say it. And if they do say these things, then they likely don't fully understand your pain. However if they have gone through a miscarriage and say these awful things then that just doesn't make any sense to me. Maybe that is just how they were able to process their own pain, and somehow they think if it worked for me it will work for you. I don't know. I have been that person though that regretted things I have said during a very difficult time for when my sister in law lost her 2 year old. I didn't know what to say, and tried to be comforting but just should have kept my mouth shut instead.

 

[macydarling]

I've got one. When I told my boss about my miscarriage she said, "Oh, Ive never had a miscarriage Thank God but I did have an abortion." Um...yeah no. Im not going to judge you for a personal decision you made but seriously? Dont compare it to my miscarriage. She then proceeded to say how it was the best decision of her life and still is today.

 

[chistiana]

Macy wow what a Dush head! I d probably have punched her, you re a better person than me!

 

[blueblue]

Katie, thanks I was speechless too and I don't consider her a friend anymore! Seriously??? A collection of lost babies??? SERIOUSLY???

Like it's a stamp or coin collection? Ughhhh. Mehhhh. Blarg.
BYE.

Madtowngirl - No need to apologize here, rant away! I'd get tired of it too if other people kept bringing it up... Boundaries, people. *shakes head*

Wow, that's awful, truly shocking, people say the worst things. Good thing some people can be supportive too.

Madtowngirl - I had a friend who kept bringing it up as she thought it was "healthy" to talk about it and she wanted me "to be healthy" about any bad things that have happened. Sometimes you don't want to talk about painful things and that's ok - you have to do what is right for you. On one of my pregnancies I started bleeding at work (it didn't seem to be a miscarriage) and asked for her advice as she'd bled during early pregnancy too. I told her that if it went wrong I wouldn't want to talk about it - as I'd told her a hundred times already that talking about the actual process/afterwards made the memories stick and made it so much harder to deal with. She texted me drunk saying I was "breaking her heart by shutting her out". I awoke to this text on the day I was panicking and having to go into hospital. We had a heartbeat at the next scan but by the following week it was an mmc and the baby was gone. We are no longer friends and I'm so happy not to have someone like her in my life anymore. I like to think that even if I hadn't been through it, I would be more tactful than that.

 

[chistiana]

Katie, thanks I was speechless too and I don't consider her a friend anymore! Seriously??? A collection of lost babies??? SERIOUSLY???

Like it's a stamp or coin collection? Ughhhh. Mehhhh. Blarg.
BYE.

Madtowngirl - No need to apologize here, rant away! I'd get tired of it too if other people kept bringing it up... Boundaries, people. *shakes head*

Wow, that's awful, truly shocking, people say the worst things. Good thing some people can be supportive too.

Madtowngirl - I had a friend who kept bringing it up as she thought it was "healthy" to talk about it and she wanted me "to be healthy" about any bad things that have happened. Sometimes you don't want to talk about painful things and that's ok - you have to do what is right for you. On one of my pregnancies I started bleeding at work (it didn't seem to be a miscarriage) and asked for her advice as she'd bled during early pregnancy too. I told her that if it went wrong I wouldn't want to talk about it - as I'd told her a hundred times already that talking about the actual process/afterwards made the memories stick and made it so much harder to deal with. She texted me drunk saying I was "breaking her heart by shutting her out". I awoke to this text on the day I was panicking and having to go into hospital. We had a heartbeat at the next scan but by the following week it was an mmc and the baby was gone. We are no longer friends and I'm so happy not to have someone like her in my life anymore. I like to think that even if I hadn't been through it, I would be more tactful than that.

Woooowwww talk about self absorbed!!!! So sorry I broke your heart by shutting you out...it really won't happen again, a million apologies! Geeeeeezzzzzz the things people say........

 

[madtowngirl]

Wow, that's awful, truly shocking, people say the worst things. Good thing some people can be supportive too.

Madtowngirl - I had a friend who kept bringing it up as she thought it was "healthy" to talk about it and she wanted me "to be healthy" about any bad things that have happened. Sometimes you don't want to talk about painful things and that's ok - you have to do what is right for you. On one of my pregnancies I started bleeding at work (it didn't seem to be a miscarriage) and asked for her advice as she'd bled during early pregnancy too. I told her that if it went wrong I wouldn't want to talk about it - as I'd told her a hundred times already that talking about the actual process/afterwards made the memories stick and made it so much harder to deal with. She texted me drunk saying I was "breaking her heart by shutting her out". I awoke to this text on the day I was panicking and having to go into hospital. We had a heartbeat at the next scan but by the following week it was an mmc and the baby was gone. We are no longer friends and I'm so happy not to have someone like her in my life anymore. I like to think that even if I hadn't been through it, I would be more tactful than that.

I wonder if we had the same friend, because that sounds exactly like the girl I was talking about!

 

[blueblue]

I am scared that there's more than one of them out there!

 

[Ohlovemedead]

I've been there before where the insensitivity from others just overwhelms me I just recently had my second miscarriage in a span of 6 months on top of losing my baby I believe the nurse just tossed it in the garbage which gives me nightmares I went back to work 4 days after my surgery and I think it was too soon because I'm detached from work but also some of my coworkers say things like "oh you'll be able to have more children" or "maybe it wasnt meant to be" or "maybe this is a sign to get your tubes tied so you don't have to go through this again" it makes me not even want to work and makes me more depressed it's already bad enough that I'm struggling to get through each day and not have nightmares of my baby in a trash but to have their insensitivity just boggles my mind I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy let alone anyone else on this earth people are just so rude

 

[chistiana]

I've been there before where the insensitivity from others just overwhelms me I just recently had my second miscarriage in a span of 6 months on top of losing my baby I believe the nurse just tossed it in the garbage which gives me nightmares I went back to work 4 days after my surgery and I think it was too soon because I'm detached from work but also some of my coworkers say things like "oh you'll be able to have more children" or "maybe it wasnt meant to be" or "maybe this is a sign to get your tubes tied so you don't have to go through this again" it makes me not even want to work and makes me more depressed it's already bad enough that I'm struggling to get through each day and not have nightmares of my baby in a trash but to have their insensitivity just boggles my mind I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy let alone anyone else on this earth people are just so rude

I m so so sorry about your loss. Your baby is now n angel n not it the trash girl, just think of it this way. "Sign to tie your tubes???"... How about "sign it's time to shut your mouth n stick your thought where there's no light?????".... Could you ask for a few days off???? Even maybe ask your doc to sign you off for just a little while???

 

[blueblue]

Oh honey, that's terrible, what an awful thing to say to you. It's not trash, it's a heartbreaking loss. Four days isn't very long and it's really hard to get back to normal when you are going through something so heartbreaking. Some people, honestly, they don't have a tactful bone in their bodies! Be kind to yourself x

 

[Ohlovemedead]

I could've taken more days but my job would've required a drs note and the dr scheduled to see me two weeks after the surgery so it was impossible to try and take more days off plus were short staffed at my job so instead of thinking of my needs I thought of my jobs and some days I don't wanna get up to go to work because it's hard and while it takes me mind off what happened it doesn't last very long because then I'm back to thinking of that night some people are rude about it and I wish they would just understand how I'm feeling

 

[blueblue]

Please look after yourself, don't worry about work. You need some time to grieve and process what has happened. x

 

[chistiana]

I agree, but if it's impossible to get off for a while, then maybe just tell them you re not so well n you d rather not discuss it or something along those lines. Anyway, one day at a time babe, one day at a time lots of hugs

 

[Ellette]

Many couples who experience miscarriage are subjected to thoughtless comments from people who probably mean well but don't understand that what they're saying not only doesn't help but may hurt the feelings of someone who has miscarried. Here are some examples of things you should not say to someone who has had a miscarriage:

- It was for the best
- At least you know you can get pregnant
- Something was probably wrong with it
- Maybe God knows you are not ready to have children
- You're trying too hard. Just relax, and it will happen.
- Take my kids for an afternoon, and I promise you won't be so sad about losing the baby.
- Be glad. Having a baby changes your life; think of all the fun things you wouldn't have been able to do anymore.
- You should just be happy you have one/two/three children already. You don't need anymore.
- it was just a blob of cells. It wasn't a real baby.
- You're young. You'll get pregnant again
- It happens all the time; it's nothing to worry about
- At least you weren't very far along
- It wasn't meant to be
- It probably happened because ______________.

You forgot,

"Oh, well I knew you weren't really pregnant." (This is what my now Sister-in-law said to me when I said we were no longer pregnant). Needless to say I harbor unhealthy amounts of dislike toward her.

 

[chistiana]

Ow God Ellette, I would have totally punched her in the face! There's nothing I can say about this comment other than being 100% sure your sol is a very very jealous vile person! stay away from her as much as possible. I m so so sorry for your loss

 

[Natasha2605]

The amount of these that I've heard from well wishing people is awful.

''at least you fall pregnant really quickly so it's not too bad''
''it obviously wasn't meant to be''
''everything happens for a reason''
''least you can try again''

I know people mean well but by god it still hurts to hear!

 

[Ellette]

Ow God Ellette, I would have totally punched her in the face! There's nothing I can say about this comment other than being 100% sure your sol is a very very jealous vile person! stay away from her as much as possible. I m so so sorry for your loss

I try to and thank you.

Now I'm dealing with a friend who has been there for me but is suddenly questioning me and disbelieving my miscarriage. She lost a beautiful baby girl an hour after birth (full-term).

This will be #3

 

[chistiana]

Ow God Ellette, I would have totally punched her in the face! There's nothing I can say about this comment other than being 100% sure your sol is a very very jealous vile person! stay away from her as much as possible. I m so so sorry for your loss

I try to and thank you.

Now I'm dealing with a friend who has been there for me but is suddenly questioning me and disbelieving my miscarriage. She lost a beautiful baby girl an hour after birth (full-term).

This will be #3

I m so sorry. I ve had 3 mcs as well and know it never gets easier to accept. But I also know that with time it doesn't hurt so much as it used to. I think of my angels every night. Anyway, what is it with people disbelieving mcs? Why would anyone fake a mc?? People can be so weird sometimes.....just ignore them