38 and TTC first baby, anyone else?

[elliecain]

Girls, I just wanted to say how much you all helped me in the second half of 2015 and I love you all! I know we don't really know each other in the conventional sense, but the bonds we have built are very real. I know we are all on track for pregnancies and babies and happiness and each time another of us gets duffed, it's one step closer for everyone else too.

Happy New Year! xxxxxxxxx

 

[Wish2BMom]

OMG OMG OMG, pothole!!!

I'm sooooooooooooooooo happy for you!!! Congratulations!!! I can't wait to hear what the numbers are on Monday! What a fantastic start to the new year! And we learned that stabby is GOOD!

and mdc - I'm completely digging your PMA right now! Let's do this!!

fi - I'm sorry for your news but I am hopeful that after this next AF, you can move on to the next plan of attack. Almost there!

ellie - you said it so well. All of you ladies are so special to me and it does seem a little weird b/c it's not conventional. But I wonder if we'd be so 'close' if we were together in 'real life'. Either way, I can't say how grateful I am to have you all as friends. Thank you for being your awesome selves.

 

[Mdc]

Pothole, I KNEW it! I guessing the stabbing pains tipped me off. I agree silly to go by last AF when they know the exact date. Anyways I wish you the happiest and healthiest 9 months!

Fi, ugh sorry about still having some tissue. I also had some left over tissue they found during a hysteroscopy. Glad yours seems to be so small that AF will likely get rid of it. I can understand how you just want closure, so I hope this gets resolved quickly.

Ellie, I totally agree with what you said.

Krasa, so happy your appt is soon. I hope they can give some guidance.

Hi to everyone else and happy (baby filled) 2016!

 

[Pothole]

It's 2:35 am on Monday morning. I can't sleep. I feel completely paralyzed with fear about today. These last 4 days have been longer than the first 11 between transfer and beta were. I used Frers those first two days and got obvious positives, then switched to dollar store test and the lines are barely there. I don't feel any pressure or stabbing anymore. Just sick. My stomach is a disaster. I feel like I'm going to be cheating my students out of their first day back because I cannot focus on anything. So I am here, crying, posting on bnb, and worrying over something that I cannot do a thing about. I am just so scared. I'm scared for my baby, I'm scared for how my heart will break if it's gone, I'm scared of my husband's face if I have to tell him that. Things may be fine. But the nurse's words keep playing in my head: "I'd say you can be cautiously optimistic" and "50/50 chance". When you've never prevented/actively tried for as long as we have, those words are a double edged sword. It feels like walking on jello. There's a surface beneath you, but it's unsteady at best. The not knowing, the waiting...it's utterly nerve-wracking. I know that whatever happens, we will survive. I know I can come here and celebrate or mourn. But somehow it's always worst in the quiet of the night when theres nothing to distract you from your darkest fears. Later this morning, I will get dressed, go to work, hug my sweet kiddos, and pretend to function. I'll do it because they deserve it. But I feel like I haven't taken a deep breath since Thursday, and I wonder when I will again. I'm sorry this is so down. I just so needed to say the words. Keeping it in was making it worse.

 

[elliecain]

It's not at all surprising that you feel like this, but I wish I could take your fear away. The nurse had to say that to cover herself I suppose, but I wish she hadn't. i wish she had let you feel the joy of knowing you have a baby growing in you, because that is the simple truth. The future is unknown for all of us, but you are pregnant right now and that should fill you with joy.

I know that, when I get another bfp, it will be harder for me to enjoy it with what happened back in September and that's unfair. We wait so long for this and then can't enjoy it as much either.

Try to remember the joy you felt at the news that it had worked xx

 

[Wish2BMom]

agreed with ellie 100% - I'm going to have the same issue if/when I get another BFP, as will my DH so he won't be of any help!

Symptoms come and go, I'd say especially in the early early weeks. I don't think Dandi felt much of anything for a few weeks. Women with 'low' betas on their first one ended up with healthy babies.
I know you know it's out of your hands but you can't help to try to grasp at something to control to help it hang on. I truly wish someone had the answer as to how to do that. But you can only hope.

We are here for you. Good luck today!! Nothing but good news!!

 

[Mdc]

Oh Pothole, my stomach is in knots reading this and I can understand your worry. I agree with the other girls and try to enjoy that you are pregnant today. Here is what you do know...you are pregnant today, your betas were on the lower end bc they counted from LMP not when you had the embies deposited, lighter lines do not mean anything right now bc so many factors can make them lighter (especially when you change brands. Nerd alert ahead...the FRER have a very low threshold like 6mIU and the dollar stores are around 25mIU so it makes sense it is lighter, and it could be how much water you had). I know all this may not help. Hang in there and cry if you want, but try to be good to yourself.

 

[Pothole]

Thank you all darling ladies. I bought a Frer on my way to work this morning, just to see if the test made any difference at all at this point. I figured it would give me some peace of mind, either way because I at least wouldn't feel completely in the dark. I got an instant positive, much darker than anything else I've gotten so far. I know it doesn't really mean anything, but my ocd, hyper controlling brain does feel a bit calmed. I feel like I can actually do my job today instead of just counting down till I can leave. I'll let you all know as soon as I do. Thank you for being there in the darkness.

 

[Wish2BMom]

wooooooo!!! sigh of relief! Everything will be wonderful for you today!!!

 

[Dandi]

Don't let the dollar store tests drive you crazy! They are unreliable and finicky! I know this from experience from this go round. Pay no attention to the lightness or darkness of a dollar store test.

Also, I had a lowish beta on my first test too. It was 71 and that was a full 14 days from iui, not lmp. But they doubled fine and that's all that matters. It's so easy to worry ourselves to death, especially when we've spent so much time on this process that we know norms and statistics. I think all our knowledge about the subject works against us sometimes and I think back to our parents generation who didn't get beta levels checked or any of the other hoopla that we go through today. What lucky, clueless pregnant women they were!

All you can do is hope/pray for the best and take it day by day. Today's goal is for the beta's to have doubled. You get through today and then you'll take on the next challenge or goal. That thinking is the only thing that's getting me through and I hope it helps you too.

 

[Left wonderin]

Oh pothole my heart ached reading your post . I've been in that frozen with fear place twice now after my loss and its not a nice place to be . Especially when its all outside of our control . My only advice is like dani said try not think too far ahead . Live as much as possible in the now and in the knowledge that you will deal with whatever comes IF and WHEN you need to and not before .

Worry stops nothing , changes nothing .. It only robs you of the happiness of now . I used to have to look around and remind myself that lots of times it works out .... Something that seems to us who have had issues and mountains to climb , where it seems impossible for billions and billions it works . The human race is evidence of it. !!!

I hope you don't have long more to wait for the results . In my opinion the place of " not knowing " is awful . I hope with all. My heart we are celebrating you good news with you later . Either way we are all here holding your hand

 

[Fi Last]

Pothole, I totally, totally get where you're coming from. I'm a poas addict, easily spooked, and know that if there's another bfp I'll be worse than ever. It's really tough, that waiting game. Hugs and sympathies.

I don't know if this is helpful advice for you, and I'm sure many others have said it already, but for me, what helped last time was to wait until I got a reassuring result (as you have just done with your FRER) and then stop testing for as long as I could manage. Testing every day - which invariably means random lightening/darkening, even when everything is totally fine - really freaked me out. Don't put yourself through more stress than you need to.

And, as the other ladies said: enjoy what you have for now. Easier said than done, I know, but the odds are in your favour - and, importantly, they are more in your favour with each passing day.

I'm really wishing all the best for you x

 

[Star2011]

My dear Pothole, just read your post and I instantly sent a prayer to the universe, mother nature and to any superior power on your behalf. All the ladies have said it all. We are all jointly thinking of you and hoping for good news. I saw a tatoo with these words on one of my patients last night, "learn from yesterday, live for today and hope for tomorrow. BUT am hoping for good news today. We are all here for you.

 

[Left wonderin]

Damm I'm gonna have to go to bed soon damm time zones !!!

 

[elliecain]

Same Left!

 

[Left wonderin]

No news or maybe news your not ready to share X Pothole I hope your doing ok xxxxx

 

[Pothole]

329!!!!!
Sweet friends, I am SO sorry I left you hanging. I came home from the blood draw, took a shower, and as I got out, my phone rang. The nurse told me the numbers look great and that I only needed to be over 120 to be considered "progressing normally". It was like the past 4 days all hit at the same time, and I just lost it. I texted dh, then sat on the sofa to update you all. And that's where I woke up about 15 minutes ago. 4:45. EST. I'm not sure why dh didn't wake me, but I must have really needed the rest. Thank you all for your love, good wishes, and great advice. I promise, I am not usually the dramatic type. I am a worrier, and my ocd often takes over my rationality. But rereading that post, it seems like a different person. I went stark raving mad on the clomid, but I have been completely unprepared for this hormonal onslaught. Two days ago I cried because my pillow smelled different. Not bad...just different. Waterworks city. I love you all. Thank you for being my sanity when mine flew the coop.

 

[Star2011]

We forgive you for leaving us hanging

You are soooooo pregnant Pothole! Amen! Am so excited. Now try and relax and enjoy being pregnant.

This is the best news to jumpstart my day.

Goodmorning everyone else

 

[Dandi]

Yay!!!!! So happy for you! Enjoy this time of relief, just knowing that you're pregnant and things are progressing as they should.

 

[Mdc]

Pothole, I beyond happy for you, DH, and LO! Do not worry about your post yesterday. That is what we are all here for the great, the good, and sometimes to support you when you feel a little panicky.