38 and TTC first baby, anyone else?

[Wish2BMom]

star - good luck with your procedure this weekend! I'm so happy your body will be ready to go soon.

ellie - I love your temps climbing back up. I hope this is it for you!

chipie - enjoy your nothingness and paraphernalia!

i caved and got 2 bfns. Ugh. I seriously don't even know what to think - why are my boobs kinda sore? why was I having some cramping/buzzing/pressure? why was I exhausted by 5:00 most of this week??
it's technically 15dpo so it's pretty darn accurate. I took 2 as well - the FRER box with both the lines and the digi.
I'm definitely pushing all of my thoughts aside for now b/c I don't want to face them. I'm pissed off, I'm confused, I'm losing faith, I'm not looking forward to the look on my RE's face when we talk about protocol for ANOTHER cycle that may or may not even generate follicles....it's just daunting. I don't know how to handle these thoughts so I'm just going to ignore them.

 

[Dandi]

So frustrating, I'm so sorry! So many great symptoms. It's not over until it's over though. Keep us updated when you get the call today!

 

[elliecain]

I'm really sorry Wish. They're aren't really any words. Let us know when you get the blood result.

I also caved just now and got bfn. In my defense, I just received the highest progesterone result ever... CD20 and 97.5nmol/L!!!! There was no way I could resist an hpt Going to wait until Tuesday and 12dpo now.

 

[Mdc]

Wish, so very sorry about the negative test! This is all so unbelievably unfair and you have every right to be pissed off. We are here for you. There are so many protocols so there are options, but I cannot imagine how frustrating all this is. Big HUG!

Chipie, enjoy your holiday. I have heard Dubai is wonderful and gold leafed to the nines! I agree with the others vacation is a perfect time for a BFP!

Star, good luck with your hysteroscopy. As for the Cytotec, it was easy and I had minimal mild cramping. Best of luck on your hysteroscopy and get those fibroids blasted, and in to your BFP!

Ellie, still early and everything else seems on your side!

Aww, three day weekend. Thank God! So DH and I got in a fight when I got home. Ugh. It starts out small he used a small rug cleaner machine to clean our new rug (my cat peed on it...seriously) and it is on laminate floors. The top was damp so I asked if he checked underneath to make sure it was not wet. Long story short it escalated to him saying that he can never do anything right, he is not feeling appreciated, and I am traveling too much for work. Sigh. I get what he is saying on the travel (but what I am supposed to do quit), but I do appreciate all the things he does. Do I get a thank you every time I unload the dishwasher? I love my husband dearly but he is so sensitive. I am the type of person that speaks my feelings and then just moves on, but he is the one that holds on. We did end on a good note for the evening, but no the exact home coming I wanted. Oh well, on to a great weekend!

 

[Wish2BMom]

thanks - just got the official call and it matches the FRER. boo.

I'm sorry your homecoming sucked!! Hopefully this next long little stretch will make him feel better about your travel. I chuckle a little - your conversation would have been gender-inverted if this was the 60's, 70's or even 80's!! I do feel guilty when I've been traveling too much. I try to make up for my lost time. DH doesn't travel enough for me to watch and see if he feels the same.

ellie - definitely still early, so I can't wait for your 12dpo test!

well I hope everyone has a great weekend. We have some fun plans, so that will take my mind off of things. Not doing anything big for the Super Bowl, but that's ok - I should take a sip of wine every time Peyton yells 'omaha'! it may be the last time we hear him say that.

 

[Dandi]

That really sucks Wish, I'm so sorry. You have every right to be pissed off, frustrated, and confused. Take the weekend to enjoy some wine and not think about it, decompress. We're here for you!

Mdc- what a miserable way to come home from your busy travel. Men... what can you do?! You make me laugh because I say that to my husband all the time, "where are my thank yous for every time I do the dishes, make you dinner, scrub the toilets, etc?" Glad you can move on from it and just enjoy the rest of your long weekend.... and I hope the floors are ok!

So jealous of Dubai Chippie! Enjoy every moment of it, I've heard such wonderful things.

Ellie, don't be discouraged, it's still so early. Your temps are notorious for fooling us all, but they do look very promising right now! Keeping everything crossed for you and can't wait for you to test after 12dpo.

Good Luck Star! Get those fibroids out of there! I hope this is the first step of everything going very smoothly for you over the next few months!

 

[Mdc]

Yes total gender reversal. He travels quite a bit too so that is why I was so surprised.

 

[Wish2BMom]

thank you, dandi!

so I can't even get in to see the RE until 2/18 (even that might have to be pushed out since I don't know the length of my trip to CA), so I guess this cycle is skipped. Oh well, that's fine. More working out for me and I'll get this travel taken care of. I think I have to get a new physical too.

 

[Star2011]

Wish am sorry about the results. It is so frustrating to get such news after all we do. But i know it will happen one day. I keep on telling myself that.

Mdc- that was not a welcome you expected but at least the end was good. I was nervous about cytotec but you assured me. My DH is also sensitive. I love the man too but he holds things m and not say what is in his mind. Like the other day he told me i am too bossy just because i keep on reminded him to do stuff that he promises to do but forgets or just proscasinate. Anyway, we still love them men.

Ellie- it is still very early. Am cheering. C'mon BFP!

Dandi- fibroids are such a nuisance. I did ask my doc why do we get them and he gave me this analogy about its a natural family planning method from mother nature. Well, mother nature i want any form of family planing!

Chipie enjoy the sunshine

Afm, it is confirmed. Am having the hysteroscopy tomorrow morning. I just hope that sucker fibroid is nowhere close to my uterus. We will see.

 

[Left wonderin]

Wish , firstly the biggest cyber hug ever I'm very disappointed for you guess its just not your time yet . But it will be soon .hope your having a huge glass of wine / cold beer and minding yourself . The next few days are bound to be hard but you will bounce back stronger than ever ready for motherhood

Ellie its still early days but I know how hard those bfn are to see and how much you want this if its not this cycle .. Its one cycle closer
You too are granted a huge glass of wine ...maybe the bottle

Star Goodluck for tommrow xxxx

 

[Chipie]

Wish, I'm so sorry. Really disappointed for you. Hope you're being looked after. Maybe it just wasn't your turn this time but it will be !! Yes have a large vino.

Star, good luck for tomorrow. Hope it all goes well.

 

[Pothole]

I don't have the heart right now to read back over everything since late January. So I will miss most of you in this, but I promise to catch up. However, I did see your news Wish, and I am more sorry than I have words for. If I could see you right now, I would hug you and we could just prop each other up and cry for a while. You are not alone.

I spent hours staring at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, not recognizing anything about that hollow eyed woman. I would say all of your names over and over as a chant, a mantra, a prayer...these women know me. They know the before me. They know the me who was a mother. They will understand the me who isn't anymore. Even when I couldn't be here, you were all there. Thank you.

I think the thing that has been hardest is that every doctor, every book, every website has said it wasn't me. That something was wrong with the baby. But I didnt need perfect. I would have gladly taken a broken baby. I know the standard answer to "What do you want, boy or girl?", is "Just healthy." But honestly, that doesnt matter to me at all. The most important people in my life were not born healthy. I have far more experience with special needs and medically fragile children than I do with neurotypical. If it was me, I could do something. Change something. But when it's my baby who is broken, I am helpless.

Things are better. They aren't great, and really, I think I have a while to go on that. But the flashbacks have mostly stopped which helps tremendously. Love to you all.

 

[elliecain]

Pothole, I'm crying here. For you in your intense pain and for my pain too. There is no way to express the kind of pain we feel when we lose our baby, and I think the loss of a first after a long wait must be the most painful. Being a mother at last and then suddenly not being is incomprehensible to those who have not been there. It's still with me, that hollow-eyed grief. I know it will never completely go, though a baby of my own in my arms (and this for you too) will go a long way to healing me. I cry most days and I don't even let my DH know anymore as he can't understand it. It's not fair and it hurts too much.

I wish I could make things feel better for you, but only time can do that. I'm thinking of you and of all of us. Every time someone gets their rainbow bfp, I feel extremely jealous but I also feel a bit of hope that this will happen to all of us one day.

We love and care about you a great deal xxx

 

[Dandi]

Wishing I could give the biggest hug right now Pothole. I'm glad that you're feeling even slightly better. Wherever you are in the healing process is exactly where you need to be right now. The dark days are so hard, but I hope it helps you get through these dark days to know that one day, when it's the right time for you, you will wake up and feel ok again. The pain eases and leaves behind wonderful memories of your baby, the love you instantly had and will always carry, and the pride you felt to be that baby's mother for no matter how short a time. It will get better my friend, and your baby will find its way to you down the road and you'll feel more appreciative than ever having survived the darkness. Hold on to that happy piece of yourself that's hiding deep inside, it's day will come again.

 

[Left wonderin]

The grief a mother knows for a lost child is like no other . It is unique to her , in that relationship between mother and child and the relationship will endure a life time . The pain gets less over time but the memory remains vidid as yesterday exactly how it should , it used to hurt to remember in detail but now remembering brings a comfort to me that THEY MATTERED and will for an eternity . It keeps them close .

I sometimes feel like an intruder here , I have been blessed beyond words now and hope you guys don't mind me offering my support. My journey took me 7 years to this point .. To places of dispear, times i felt like throwing in the towel , sobbing on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor , more red and puffy eyes than i can count , month after month of disapointment turning into,year after year . then suddenlty utter joy only at 13 weeks to turn to grief .

One thing I knew I WAS NEVER GIVING UP !! Not Until my last egg left the building I needed to know I had tried until I could try no more. So without explanation as to why it wasn't happening I kept going 37-41 then my miricle happened as unexplained as the years before it . Now I've gotten a second one . I often think what I had given up because it was too hard and at times it was !! And I was close ...

I only tell my story in the hope that it somehow brings some comfort . This is a LONG painful hard soul destroying journey ... But I have every confidence , every faith that you will all look back holding your babies in your arms and know it was worth it .xxxxxxxxx

 

[Wish2BMom]

pothole - hugs are definitely in order. I cannot say anything more eloquently than ellie, dandi and left have already said. We are your sisters and are most definitely in that mirror with you, holding you up when you need it. You will hold your forever baby in the future - that is for sure. And we will all celebrate.

left - NEVER, ever, ever, ever feel like an intruder here. You're one of us, whether you like it or not. That goes for the rest of ya as well.

 

[Mdc]

My heart is broken reading your post, and unfortunately so many of us know you pain. I cannot describe as eloquently and the others, however you are not alone and we all are hear for each other through the good times and more importantly the worst of times. We all have a bond that crosses seas and lifetimes. I am glad you are doing better and it does get easier, never forgotten but it will hurt less as time goes by.

Left, I certainly agree with Wish. I knew you had a hard time, but I honestly had no idea. You worked so hard and have been such a great support please do not feel like an intruder. Anyone do not feel like an intruder, your pregnancies keep me going and having hope that it will work out.

Have a wonderful Sunday ladies.

 

[Chipie]

Guys I'm heartbroken for you all, i really am. I cried hard when I read your messages yesterday Pothole and Ellie, and I don't cry often. I wanted to give the others a chance to respond to you first as you've all grown a special bond over the last months.

Left is right though, we will all be mothers. It's just a matter of time. We just have to keep the faith and believe in ourselves 100% and we'll get there. In the meantime, we have this thread on which to rant as much as we need and be here for each other.

Pothole, I truly hope the dark clouds pass soon

 

[Wish2BMom]

star - how did things go? I hope this is a quick healing thing

ellie - your temps are looking awesome!! are you testing today or waiting a couple more days?

how is everyone else? I'm just waiting for AF now. I think I'm feeling some cramps so she's def on her way, finally.

 

[Dandi]

Your temps do look great Ellie!!!