Breast is not best, language, guilt and lactivism musings

[lhancock90]

Well, I'll be honest and say I don't think it is wise to give formula to a 5 week old when there are alternatives ;-)

I'll be honest, in this entire thread, i haven't found one single BF mom that i felt was acting superior or rude until this post.
I think there is some confusion over how readily available and quickly sourced donor milk can be in certain places.
Theres nothing wrong with formula. Breast is breast. Breastfeeding isn't always and if a woman chooses to then FF over donor milk that's her decision and there's not a damn thing wrong with it.
Were all feeding our kids, we are all having the same issues and struggles. I quite like that breastfeeding has a slogan, i think its good and its getting more women educated on breastfeeding!

But it is okay to tell a Mum she was wrong for sticking with breastfeeding?

I didn't say that, her comment offended one person, yours offended many.

 

[Dragonfly]

*going to steal Indys friends and move to where she is. Sounds nice.

 

[Wobbles]

I don't understand all this guilt women place on themselves. Parenting is blooming hard and the goalposts change all the time. I can understand someone struggling if they have not managed to BF but wanted to but don't beat yourself up. We all do the best we can. Many women do choose to FF from the outset. That is their choice too. There should be no guilt attached to it, especially if it is fully informed. I hate when it is insinuated that people who choose to FF are illinformed or that they have not read the literature. This is not the case for everyone and Never let someone make you feel guilty for your choices. They should not have that power over your life.

Loved this bit.

I've never understood why people assume someone defending a choice means they must be feeling guilt. I can only imagine like anything if your choice is taken away you don't accept it easily but parenting is challenging the whole way ...

 

[indy and lara]

*going to steal Indys friends and move to where she is. Sounds nice.

Just outside Edinburgh in an old mining community. Live and let live I say.

 

[Dragonfly]

There is a lot more to parenting than how you choose to feed, I dont care who feeds what to their child it dosnt effect me. I know how it feels to get crappy comments and nosey people questioning. Indeed live and let live.

 

[indy and lara]

I don't understand all this guilt women place on themselves. Parenting is blooming hard and the goalposts change all the time. I can understand someone struggling if they have not managed to BF but wanted to but don't beat yourself up. We all do the best we can. Many women do choose to FF from the outset. That is their choice too. There should be no guilt attached to it, especially if it is fully informed. I hate when it is insinuated that people who choose to FF are illinformed or that they have not read the literature. This is not the case for everyone and Never let someone make you feel guilty for your choices. They should not have that power over your life.

Loved this bit.

I've never understood why people assume someone defending a choice means they must be feeling guilt. I can only imagine like anything if your choice is taken away you don't accept it easily but parenting is challenging the whole way ...

Aye, exactly. I will defend lots of choices that I have made as a Mummy but it is not because I am guilty about them!

 

[Pramaholic86]

I think these issues and divides only exist on the internet tbh, I have never had anyone in real life conversation suggest that I've put my daughter at risk or endangered her by not BF. The anonymity of the internet gives people a platform to say things they wouldn't necessarily say to someone in the real world.

 

[Liesje]

I wonder if I live in some utopian alternative world? NEVER, in 14 months of BF did anyone call me or suggest that I was a child abuser. Nor did they look down their nose at me, act snootily, call me names or any of the other things that are mentioned in these threads. I BF everywhere (restaurants, cafes, the park, a garage one time when E was tiny, museum, the Tube, etc) and never under a cover so it was always pretty obvious what I was doing. People didn't stare or whisper about me. None of my friends who BF have ever mentioned this happening to them either.

I was the person who BF the longest from my ante-natal group but the other girls didn't criticise or comment negatively. We used to joke about it and laugh that I would end up poster girl for NHS Lothian BFing but never did they tell me I was wrong. It is called respect. They respected my choices and me theirs. I might not agree with their choices but that is my opinion only. Your choices are right for you, not necessarily for everyone else.

I don't understand all this guilt women place on themselves. Parenting is blooming hard and the goalposts change all the time. I can understand someone struggling if they have not managed to BF but wanted to but don't beat yourself up. We all do the best we can. Many women do choose to FF from the outset. That is their choice too. There should be no guilt attached to it, especially if it is fully informed. I hate when it is insinuated that people who choose to FF are illinformed or that they have not read the literature. This is not the case for everyone and Never let someone make you feel guilty for your choices. They should not have that power over your life.

Yup. I both BF and FF and I receive nothing but warm smiles and compliments from random strangers when they see me BF but if I'm feeding from a bottle they all shoot daggers at me, talk about me no-so-behind-my-back, one woman even sat down next to me to "inform" me that "very few women" can't breastfeed.
I don't think anyone appreciates "information" being shoved down their throat and if they cared to look for it, it's already everywhere.
Before I had my son I thought I would be embarrassed to breastfeed, turns out I'm more embarrassed to feed from a bottle than to whip out a boob in public, so either way I prefer to feed my son in private now.

 

[lhancock90]

I'm not a mother yet, but this kind of debate drives me insane. Why can't people stay out of each other's business if their kid is taken care of, healthy and happy? My mother nearly died having me, I was fed formula from day one and I turned out fine. I think we'd all be a lot happier if people stayed out of each other's lives and focused on parenting their own child.

I saw one mother flip out at another at the mall because she was feeing her baby a bottle and said that mother was "killing" her child with those "toxins." The bottle turned out to be breastmilk.

For me, I don't want to stick my nose is others' business, but surveys show that most Mums stop breastfeeding before they want to, and most Mums are unhappy with how their breastfeeding journey went. I think something needs to change, but it is such a huge and complex issue that it is tricky to see what to do. Education doesn't seem to work as it offends and is often useless without support. Support can seem like pressure. I think normalising it (like the articles talk about) is important not just for the Mothers, but for those supporting her - Doctors, Midwives, Health Visitors, Husbands, families. It is usually assumed that a baby isn't breastfed, when it should be the other way round. Never should a Mum be denied something (medication, treatment, access to services) because she is breastfeeding. It is usually suggested she stop feeding, whereas it should be feeding that is protected, and allowances made.

There are insensitive and misinformed people on both sides - many women are told they are abusing children by breastfeeding, starving their babies, being selfish. It happens with every parenting choice - irresponsible for co-sleeping, risking suffocating baby by using a wrap etc.

I do wonder how many surveryed women were actually perfectly happy when they stopped breastfeeding, but felt the need to lie because it didn't meet the expectations of others?
Its works both ways.
Personally, until this forum, i'd never met anyone who was against formula or breastfeeding, i'd never read such negativity on either choice. We formula feeders are busy feeding our kids artificial poison and making our kids ill whilst we bully all breastfeeders.
The breastfeeders are busy bullying the formula feeders whilst starving their kids and popping their breasts out sexually apparently.

Except, do any of us actually think that way? OR do we all get so defensive about our choice, invest so much in research we totally forget that we should be just be patting each other on the back for doing this job and feeding our kids any damn way we can.
The fact that every woman on this forum sought it out, debates, argues, asks for advice and researchs every last decision they make for their kids shows were not a bunch of ignorant idiots, we all applaud breastfeeding, support the formula feeders and are in awe of the brave women who EBF and don't give a shit what the rest of the world thinks!

Yes breastfeeding shouldn't need a pun, but as ever, the modern world is constantly changing and sometimes people need a push to realise the obvious. Personally i think "breast is best" is a wonderful, clever little slogan and it is having amazing effects, i see more women breastfeeding, more women talking about it and knowing why they are doing it.

 

[Wobbles]

I call the processed cheese slices I like plastic cheese lol But then I call spaghetti bolgenaise spaghetti bollocks to.

Getting really nit picky with wording in here. Not interesting when it gets to that stage.

LOL @ spaghetti bollocks!

I don't find it 'nit picky' I find it about the way people talk to or at someone.

The way people talk to me in RL matters, the way people talk to/at others on BnB (and other online communities) I personally don't think would be their normal to a friend or the next door neighbour.

 

[Wobbles]

There is a lot more to parenting than how you choose to feed, I dont care who feeds what to their child it dosnt effect me. I know how it feels to get crappy comments and nosey people questioning. Indeed live and let live.

You think when you become a parent (especially your first child) you have the parenting lark to battle but then you join BnB and realise it's other parents that are the bigger battle Shouldn't be that way for anyone anywhere.

 

[mia_leacey]

I don't personally find it offensive I just find it rude depending how it is used.

And as for saying these kind of debates drive you insane alchemy

Sorry who said that? Kind of hoping you are not twisting my reply which stated these debates make me chuckle.

I'm not a mother yet, but this kind of debate drives me insane.

I don't understand all this guilt women place on themselves. Parenting is blooming hard and the goalposts change all the time. I can understand someone struggling if they have not managed to BF but wanted to but don't beat yourself up. We all do the best we can. Many women do choose to FF from the outset. That is their choice too. There should be no guilt attached to it, especially if it is fully informed. I hate when it is insinuated that people who choose to FF are illinformed or that they have not read the literature. This is not the case for everyone and Never let someone make you feel guilty for your choices. They should not have that power over your life.

^That is exactly the point I made in my previous reply in this thread.

Equally, I was not trying to insinuate that those who choose to FF are ill-informed - I was referring to a previous point I made about a woman whose own midwife gave her duff information about breastfeeding, therefore she was misinformed, as I believe some (obviously not all) women are.

 

[Missy86]

Thats the thing, sometimes I feel people on this forum think I made an ill informed choice when I stopped bfeeding but it couldnt be further from the truth

 

[Liesje]

The way people talk to me in RL matters, the way people talk to/at others on BnB (and other online communities) I personally don't think would be their normal to a friend or the next door neighbour.

Unfortunately we're venturing into a generation of kids raised on the Internet who have troubles distinguishing what's acceptable in real life and what goes on in forums like this and we wind up with a bunch of knowitalls who run around "informing" others under the guise of "speaking their mind" lol

 

[Missy86]

I call the processed cheese slices I like plastic cheese lol But then I call spaghetti bolgenaise spaghetti bollocks to.

Getting really nit picky with wording in here. Not interesting when it gets to that stage.

LOL @ spaghetti bollocks!

I don't find it 'nit picky' I find it about the way people talk to or at someone.

The way people talk to me in RL matters, the way people talk to/at others on BnB (and other online communities) I personally don't think would be their normal to a friend or the next door neighbour.

But I thought this thread was meant to be about advertising and language

 

[alchemy]

And as for saying these kind of debates drive you insane alchemy... I'm sorry you feel that way, for me, I find them really interesting. I think, tangents aside, what it boils down to here, is a group of women, some of whom FF and some of whom BF trying to work out a way that no woman needs to feel bad about her parenting choices.

The reason they drive me insane, is they turn into finger-pointing, "my way or the highway" debates and someone always ends up feeling guilty or depresed because they have been told that they have made the "wrong" choice and should feel really bad about their "mistake." Heck, I saw one time where someone (not here) said that anyone who FF should have their kids taken away by CPS because it's abuse!

 

[mia_leacey]

And as for saying these kind of debates drive you insane alchemy... I'm sorry you feel that way, for me, I find them really interesting. I think, tangents aside, what it boils down to here, is a group of women, some of whom FF and some of whom BF trying to work out a way that no woman needs to feel bad about her parenting choices.

The reason they drive me insane, is they turn into finger-pointing, "my way or the highway" debates and someone always ends up feeling guilty or depresed because they have been told that they have made the "wrong" choice and should feel really bad about their "mistake." Heck, I saw one time where someone (not here) said that anyone who FF should have their kids taken away by CPS because it's abuse!

Yes, that's true, that's what they turn in to, and that's a shame. But I find the basic, underlying point of this one really interesting!

 

[MommaAlexis]

That's ridiculous! I can't believe someone out there thinks FF is abusing your kid, or BF either actually. Lol, I kind of wish it was just up to a doctor or pediatrician or psych evaluator or SOMETHING to write a prescription because then no one could blame someone for making a bad choice. It'd be like getting someone in trouble for giving their kid their prescribed medication, vitamins, diet, etc. I still think a mother who doesn't want to FF could do so, but would still need to go through a health unit or something to pick up the "prescription". I was told it works this way for Lactose Free baby formula a while ago, I don't know if that's true or not and haven't looked into it. But it didn't seem offensive to me then or now that the lactose free one would be in there. Because sometimes someone assumes it's the lactose their allergic to when it may not be, etc. I'm kind of rambling and in a hurry so if anything I said was offensive sorry I don't mean it to be and will clarify when I get back!

 

[Liesje]

That's ridiculous! I can't believe someone out there thinks FF is abusing your kid, or BF either actually. Lol, I kind of wish it was just up to a doctor or pediatrician or psych evaluator or SOMETHING to write a prescription because then no one could blame someone for making a bad choice. It'd be like getting someone in trouble for giving their kid their prescribed medication, vitamins, diet, etc. I still think a mother who doesn't want to FF could do so, but would still need to go through a health unit or something to pick up the "prescription". I was told it works this way for Lactose Free baby formula a while ago, I don't know if that's true or not and haven't looked into it. But it didn't seem offensive to me then or now that the lactose free one would be in there. Because sometimes someone assumes it's the lactose their allergic to when it may not be, etc. I'm kind of rambling and in a hurry so if anything I said was offensive sorry I don't mean it to be and will clarify when I get back!

I get what you're saying, however some women "choose" to formula feed for reasons that aren't entirely wholesome that they don't want to discuss with a medical practitioner ie. drug abuse, prior sexual abuse, etc.
That's the same reason elective c-sections are allowed in Ontario. Not everyone wants to discuss not wanting an entire room full of people staring into their vagina if they've been raped or molested.

 

[MommaAlexis]

Not saying they should have to explain every reason in detail, even just saying "for personal reasons" and getting it.