Dealing with azoospermia?

[silverbell]

Wibble, that's exactly how I feel. The TESE really is the end of a massive chapter and I know that I'm going to feel the same. I've already said to DH that it'll be nice for him to know that's it and he won't be bothered or messed with again after that. It'll all be down to me.

I also feel very powerless and I don't like that feeling, as I quite like being in some sort of control.

DH takes vitamins and minerals and has done since we started TTC and he asked Mr R about it but he said to continue them. It's weird to think that he could stop lots of these though as soon as he has had his biopsy. Because after that it'll be pointless.

So I totally understand where you're coming from.

 

[wibble wobble]

SB I really wish I didn't have to take the vitamins anymore the conception one has a really bad after taste on it

 

[silverbell]

SB I really wish I didn't have to take the vitamins anymore the conception one has a really bad after taste on it

Oh dear. Do you take it with a meal at night? I take the Pregnacare Conception one at this time and never had a problem. Hope that helps? If not ... sorry! Yet another thing we go through, eh?

 

[MoBaby]

Hi everybody! Good hearing all these updates and stories. Yes this is a difficult road and we will all get through it one way or another. I was feeling soooo angry with life and god when I first learned about dh but we are dealing with it now. I think what has helped is the fact his second sa came back with a good number of sperm 600000 per drop (still very very low) but we were given the okay to do frozen samples. He has appt with uro to discuss genetic testing on october 17th.... I am starting my ivf meds tomorrow. Egg retrevial around nov 7th. We are praying genetic testing is okay.. if anything, I will only have been on birth control if anything is serious because I don't start lupron until oct 19th. Sooo girls there is hope... if we can't get swimmers with 2 frozen and 1 fresh then we will have to go to original plan of tese.....fx we don't.


I know this is still a long road but I know that something good has to come out of all this no matter what. Hugs for all you and I look forward to hearing all the updates!

 

[Bookworm]

H thanks everyone, I should know better really but I guess the emotions just got the better of me recently with the results of the genetic test looming and then the confirmation of CF and having to tell the family - just a big jumble of concerns and anxiety.

SB, I know that the best possible solution is that the test biopsy will also yield enough swimmers for ICSI too, but don't worry if they only find a few to work with on the day - in that case, or if the quality isn't quite there they might still suggest that DH comes back for another biopsy when you're doing ER - that's what we're doing.

They got 2 vials at the initial biopsy, 1 was used on the day to see how it reacted to the process and 1 frozen. I think because we have decided against donor sperm they want to bring DH back in on the day and the frozen batch will be our back up - they didn't want to bring me in and risk the swimmers not making it through the thaw; but equally they didn't want to try thawing our only remaining vial early for further tests and then maybe they don't find swimmers next time.... Freaks me out if I think about it too much.

I don't want to bring you down SB but just wanted you to be aware it's a possibility - when they first talked about it wit us I got a bit needlessly worried, but realised later that it does make sense for us. But FX that you guys will get 5 vials of top notch swimmers

 

[Bookworm]

Wibble Wobble - I've been thinking of you guys, when will you hear?

 

[silverbell]

I have to be honest, Bookworm. Right now I honestly don't think they'll find a single sperm in there. I just don't think he's making them. Sounds terrible, but that's where I am right now. Maybe I'll change my mind again in a few weeks or whatever, but there you go.

I see what you mean about calling him back again to do a fresh transfer etc. It could start to get very complicated if that's the case though, as mTESE is my DH's only real hope (as told by Mr R) and this is done in London and I can't get NHS funding to get ICSI and IVF at London. So it would have be private, which we really cannot afford.

I think it's just a case of waiting to see what happens and going from there. I'm not going to try to think of all the possible outcomes because my brain will explode

 

[MissAma]

It's heartbreaking to read of how you all feel. How we all feel. I guess I am a worse person than you ladies because one sentiment I don't see mentioned that I had in spades was being mad at him. Rationally I know it was not his fault, how on earth would it be?!? but emotionally I could kick him that's how mad I was that I could not be pregnant like everyone else, that I could not see two lines on the HPT, that I could not put on romantic music, pop open a bottle of wine and set about to make a baby that night. It seemed like his fault that all of this I had no control over and was out of reach. But I learned to deal with it and remember that it was my choice to be with him -if only because of an out of control reason: loving him- and then I learned to understand that we're a team and in this together. It didn't make the TESEs any easier and none of the tens of cycles in the many years we struggled to pry a baby from azoospermia's hands has been without mourning and, if I'm honest I even mourn now despite my arms not being empty anymore.

The friends we started TTC with are on their 3rd and 4th baby since we started, the ones we did the first IVF with have kindergarden goers and those we gave birth with are pregnant. We can have none of that, the being-forced-to-be-different-by-infertility we'll all always mourn but it gets better and it gets easier and there are s waiting for all of us at the end of this challenge who will get much more loving, appreciating parents than most other babies so it's absolutely worth it.

And at the end of all that mush an update: we have a pre-screening meeting at the clinic on Tuesday to discuss TESE and when to do that -i.e. wait for Jan and cut him fresh at the same time as my EC or cut him now to ensure there is sperm and freeze it-.

 

[wibble wobble]

Bookworm it's monday we find out the result, don't think I've ever wanted a weekend to go so quick

SB it's the pregnacare conception I take too,it doesn't matter what time of day I take them at if I take them with water I can taste them. The makers need to sugar coat them a little better!

 

[Sar187]

Wow I've missed a lot since I was on last.

Silver, 5% chance is better than none, that is great that your hubby is still going through with it even with that small of a chance, I'm not sure mine would do the TESE if the chances were that low.

Those of you talking about the grieving process, it really is just that when you find you about something like this. I lost my dad a year and a half ago, after finding out about our infertility I went through the same process I did with my dad, maybe not quite as intense but definitely the same. We grieve the loss of our ability to do this on our own. For it to be a romantic experience. Instead it is a cold medical procedure with fertilization not even happening inside of our bodies.

MissAma-I went through a stage where I wanted to be mad at someone, I think we tend to turn on our hubbies because who else can we really be mad at. I knew it wasn't his fault though and that I shouldn't resent him for it. It just as easily could have been me with the problem. So if anything I am going to blame that dr. that did his hernia surgery that most likely caused this lol.

Wibble-I hope the results from the TESE are good!

Deb, When I went in for my mock transfer I didn't feel the catheter either. Cleaning the cervix is an odd sensation but didn't really bother me any. I think the worst part for me was having to have a full bladder, that makes it really uncomfortable. The injections get easier the more you do them. Be prepared for possible bruising wherever you do them though. I have had a few of them bruise but most are just fine.

AFM-My last monitoring appt. was today. I had lots of good follies and everything else looked good. I take my last stim shot tonight, my last lupron shot tomorrow morning, and will take my HCG shots tomorrow night. We are all scheduled for Monday morning. I am scheduled for retrieval at 9am monday and hubby is scheduled at 12:30pm Monday. Not sure whether to be excited or nervous right now .

 

[silverbell]

SB it's the pregnacare conception I take too,it doesn't matter what time of day I take them at if I take them with water I can taste them. The makers need to sugar coat them a little better!

Oh! I never noticed at all. I guess I'm used to taking various large tablets as I take 6 a day for my colitis and they're not particularly nice.

Silver, 5% chance is better than none, that is great that your hubby is still going through with it even with that small of a chance, I'm not sure mine would do the TESE if the chances were that low.

AFM-My last monitoring appt. was today. I had lots of good follies and everything else looked good. I take my last stim shot tonight, my last lupron shot tomorrow morning, and will take my HCG shots tomorrow night. We are all scheduled for Monday morning. I am scheduled for retrieval at 9am monday and hubby is scheduled at 12:30pm Monday. Not sure whether to be excited or nervous right now .

Thanks, Sar. He never even suggested not going ahead and has always said from the start that he would have this op even if given a 1 in a million chance because he would have to know in his own head whether it was a possibility or not or he wouldn't be able to go for donor sperm, which I think is fair enough. Bless him, he even said today he'd undergo it as many times as were required if it meant we had a chance.

Oh wow! How exciting about Monday! I really do hope that all goes absolutely brilliantly and smoothly. Looking forward to hearing how it went.

 

[Bookworm]

SB I think we all have to hope for the best & try to be prepared for the worst... It's a horrible waiting game at every stage. I really hope you guys get some good news.

I have to say I've never felt angry at DH, which I thought I would (maybe that denial talking). I see him very much as a victim of this too, so I'm not angry at him- I am however ANGRY!!!!! I sometimes feel like I'm full of a massive directionless rage; I want to be angry at people who announce pregnancies, and people who keep reminding me about people who are pregnant and people who ask me when I'm planning to get pregnant - the frustration & anger bubble up in me at times like this but you can't really vent can you? I just grin and try to make it through the conversation and usually there are tears shed in private... Not always, but sometimes it just all gets too much.

And I think I'll always feel this way, like MissAma said this won't just evaporate with one successful cycle - I know already from friends & family with 1 child, as soon as the 1st is born people are looking for no2...

My main problem is my mind works too hard - I should be taking a leaf out of SB's book and not trying to think through all possible future problems (though on a semi-positive note I've even manage to worry about post-natal deoression)

I've everything crossed for you Wibblewobble, really hope Monday brings some good news.

 

[snd80]

I have to say I've never felt angry at DH, which I thought I would (maybe that denial talking). I see him very much as a victim of this too, so I'm not angry at him- I am however ANGRY!!!!! I sometimes feel like I'm full of a massive directionless rage; I want to be angry at people who announce pregnancies, and people who keep reminding me about people who are pregnant and people who ask me when I'm planning to get pregnant - the frustration & anger bubble up in me at times like this but you can't really vent can you? I just grin and try to make it through the conversation and usually there are tears shed in private... Not always, but sometimes it just all gets too much.

I could have written this myself! I can't help it! I am SO mad at the world, GOD, and everyone I see with a bump!!! I can't control it! I can't tell you how often I cry silently in the shower at night... hubby doesn't understand it. Then that makes me mad at him b/c I think he doesn't care as much as I do about having a child! It is one vicious cycle! IDK what to do anymore... it is just SOOO unfair! I think about those I know with kids (some really unfit to be parents, and no, I'm not being mean about it either, it is TRUE!) and ask God why they deserve it more than we do? I just want my heart to "heal"... or maybe I am just having a "hormonal" moment! Hope it gets better for you...

 

[Deb111]

Snd -

Wibble wobble - have been thinking of you and hoping for fab news for you on Monday - can't understand why you've had to wait??

Sar - so excited for you for Monday - hope all goes well for you both

Hope everyone else is ok xx

 

[silverbell]

SB I think we all have to hope for the best & try to be prepared for the worst... It's a horrible waiting game at every stage. I really hope you guys get some good news.

I have to say I've never felt angry at DH, which I thought I would (maybe that denial talking). I see him very much as a victim of this too, so I'm not angry at him- I am however ANGRY!!!!! I sometimes feel like I'm full of a massive directionless rage; I want to be angry at people who announce pregnancies, and people who keep reminding me about people who are pregnant and people who ask me when I'm planning to get pregnant - the frustration & anger bubble up in me at times like this but you can't really vent can you? I just grin and try to make it through the conversation and usually there are tears shed in private... Not always, but sometimes it just all gets too much.

And I think I'll always feel this way, like MissAma said this won't just evaporate with one successful cycle - I know already from friends & family with 1 child, as soon as the 1st is born people are looking for no2...

My main problem is my mind works too hard - I should be taking a leaf out of SB's book and not trying to think through all possible future problems (though on a semi-positive note I've even manage to worry about post-natal deoression)

I've everything crossed for you Wibblewobble, really hope Monday brings some good news.

Another very angry lady here I get angry at so many things. I am getting particularly angry at the moment with acquaintances pregnancy updates. Completely harmless and I can't wait to be doing that myself, but for me right now it's bloody heartbreaking. As I've said before, it's different with my friends I've made on here somehow, but with friends and colleagues I find it a real struggle to be happy for them.

Bookworm, I'm usually terrible for thinking too far ahead, overanalysing and thinking of every single possibility. However, I have gotten to the point where there are literally so many possible outcomes that it seems daft to dwell on each one individually. Plus I honestly don't feel like I can take it any more. It's like my brain is too 'full' already and I think I'd just stress out if I started really pondering things too much. So it is completely against my usual character, but is something that's definitely helping me to just cope at the moment.

 

[KB38]

thank you all so very much for sharing how you are all feeling as well. It really helps to know that I'm not alone in how I'm feeling.

It sounds like a big week a few of you this week. I have my fingers crossed for you. I hope you get the news you are hoping for and deserve.

AFM, we still have no plans. DH has been seeing a chinese herbalist (never thought I'd be the alternate type but it is our last chance) so I guess we'll just wait and see.

In the meantime, I really have to snap out of it and I clearly can't do it on my own so I'm going to find a counsellor who can help like you suggested SB.

I've also got to start looking after myself as, gulp, I've been putting on weight like there's no tomorrow which is making a bad situation so much worse. I wore the same pair of pants to work every day last week as none of my other clothes fit

 

[wibble wobble]

KB38 I've also been eating non stop,even though I know I'm doing it and want to stop it's hard to break the pattern at the minute. I've put on the half a stone I said I was determined to lose

 

[silverbell]

In the meantime, I really have to snap out of it and I clearly can't do it on my own so I'm going to find a counsellor who can help like you suggested SB.

I am so pleased to hear this. This is how I ended up contacting a counsellor, KB. I just got to the point where I felt too overwhelmed to even think straight and I felt like was falling apart and that's when I got a counselling session organised. I was lucky enough to have some free sessions with my place of work. I hope you get something quickly. It honestly really helped me to understand that what I was feeling was normal and also why I was feeling what I was feeling if that makes sense. She pointed out 2 really obvious things that I just wasn't seeing at the time and as soon as I took note of these I started to feel a heck of a lot better. Sometimes we're so deep in our grief and upset that we don't see what is blindingly obvious.

KB38 I've also been eating non stop,even though I know I'm doing it and want to stop it's hard to break the pattern at the minute. I've put on the half a stone I said I was determined to lose

Wibble wobble, please don't worry about your weight right now. That goes for all of you. You all have so much to deal with and it's a shame to think you're worrying about your weight on top of everything else

I shall be thinking of you tomorrow, my friend, and I shall be hoping for very wonderful, positive news.

 

[MissAma]

Good luck today Wibble Wobble and Sar!

 

[Pamplemousse]

Big days for Wibble Wobble and Sar. Really hope good things happen today!!

Oddly enough for me, my first AF since the news of the evil Azoo has arrived (TMI, I know!) and I thought I would be a weeping bucket of mess, and I am not. Maybe its because this is the first month of knowing that I am not going to be pregnant instead of the all the high hopes and analysing of every twinge.

I did bail out of a christening on Sunday though. I really could not face a string of questions about when I am going to have a baby etc etc. Normally I am pretty good at shrugging things off, sometimes I play the career minded card in order to get people off my back. This also stops people asking DH questions and it breaks my heart when that happens. Sunday, however, I justed wanted to chill with DH and think about the things in our life we are happy with instead of being made to feel miserable.

Hope all you ladies are doing ok!