Is he overreacting or am i in the wrong?

[JumpingIn]

I'm not unhappy in my job but I have to work damn hard and if someone kept sending me photos constantly rubbing it in my face that they're out having fun in the sun and being like 'Hahaaa you're not' then it'd annoy me. Not the first couple of times tbh but if it was all the time it would.

It was twice, and it was his OH. We all have our breaks sometimes from our busy and tough lives. Honestly if he had balls and everything's fine at work and he likes his living situation and loves this lady then he should be happy for her that she's having a rest, not getting all arsey because he's at work that day. He's at work for god's sake, not a funeral.

 

[sparkle_1979]

Agree with above there

My other half is away on business right now and every night he sends pics of his steaks, fish and fancy bottles of wine .. I'm at home with the kids

Im happy he's having a nice time

 

[Becky61]

Thanks for all your answers, truely appreciate every single one of them.

A few questions answered:

*Is he miserable in his job? Yes. Very. But I wasnt to know that yesterday (the day i sent the second photo), he had sent a lengthy email to the head of the company, recieved a date for a grievance meeting AND been in contact with several solicitors to help with legal advice. (All of this i discovered this morning, we saw eachother very briefly before he left for work.)

*Have we discussed out "banter/practical jokes"? No. I guess i feel its always been our way of having fun & being affectionate. I admit though, that in the last few months it jas got my back up more than normal, i tend to snap at him & ive let it build up inside. So sending thpse photos did feel lile total revenge. That sounds awful. I like to joke around with him, when we first got together it was definately a plus that we both shared a mischevious personality. I felt it fun & exciting & that we werent a "boring" couple, & if i call a stop to it he will view me as "boring". My friends who visit me some evenings, have commented on our behaviour (we dont hold back on playfighting etc when we have guests) & have said sometimes they feel worried for me. & my mum has commented on bruising before, from things such as when ive tickled his feet (he hates it) & hes grabbed my arms & thrown me to the floor or whatever.

I would like to add that, although sometimes he says hurtful things (he will tell me im fat when we know im not, so not true hurtful things, but things that still get us as women) & we have physical play fights, he by no.means physically or mentally abuses me. I know he loves me to the moon & back. I guess you ladies are opening my eyes to the fact maybe this behaviour is odd though. I should add we have only been together 9 months.

Add also, i read this back & feel you ladies must think im one naive dumb woman, but im not, ive had shit relationships & this is not like them, i had honestly not been in love before until i me this man.

 

[x__amour]

my mum has commented on bruising before, from things such as when ive tickled his feet (he hates it) & hes grabbed my arms & thrown me to the floor or whatever.

I would like to add that, although sometimes he says hurtful things (he will tell me im fat when we know im not, so not true hurtful things, but things that still get us as women) & we have physical play fights, he by no.means physically or mentally abuses me.

I'm sorry but I DO count that as abuse. I don't give a damn how much someone HATES being tickled, it is completely unacceptable to physically GRAB someone and THROW them to the floor to the point where they have physical marks on their body.

This definitely doesn't sound healthy to me in the least.

 

[jd83]

my mum has commented on bruising before, from things such as when ive tickled his feet (he hates it) & hes grabbed my arms & thrown me to the floor or whatever.

I would like to add that, although sometimes he says hurtful things (he will tell me im fat when we know im not, so not true hurtful things, but things that still get us as women) & we have physical play fights, he by no.means physically or mentally abuses me.

I'm sorry but I DO count that as abuse. I don't give a damn how much someone HATES being tickled, it is completely unacceptable to physically GRAB someone and THROW them to the floor to the point where they have physical marks on their body.

This definitely doesn't sound healthy to me in the least.

I agree. And I'm having a hard time understanding how OP is just brushing it off like that's nothing really.

Also, OP, verbal abuse doesn't have to be "true" things told to be abusive. If you find it hurtful, and he continually does/says it, that's abusive. He's saying things knowing you dislike hearing it, and that it hurts your feelings. And throwing you down, bruising your arms, shoving your face in dirty dish water...how is that not physically abusive?

 

[jd83]

Also wanted to add, if you ask him to stop this behavior, and he then finds you "boring", I'd say that would be a true show of character in all honesty. If this man truly loves you, as you believe he does, then he will respect your wishes to calm down practical joking to a normal, non-abusive level. I'm not saying you guys need to stop having a sense of humor, not at all. But what you are describing is in no way healthy, good natured couples humor. At all. I would think if you both truly love each other, this is a discussion that needs to happen before things spiral out of control.

 

[hunni12]

Sounds to me like you keep making excuses for what he is doing like its not wrong...which is still a sign of abuse.

It's all fun and games until some is either hurt or dead and then what?

If my OH dunked my head in dirty dish water as a sign of love then he would be very much single...what if there had been a knife or fork or something left in there? People do things and don't think of the consequences. Lifting up your skirt in public? My OH cherishes my body as if it was his own and wouldn't dare give someone the opportunity to see what only should be seen by him.

In my eyes you both have a lot of growing up to do and I suggest y'all do it quickly before someone gets hurt.

 

[Natasha2605]

my mum has commented on bruising before, from things such as when ive tickled his feet (he hates it) & hes grabbed my arms & thrown me to the floor or whatever.

I would like to add that, although sometimes he says hurtful things (he will tell me im fat when we know im not, so not true hurtful things, but things that still get us as women) & we have physical play fights, he by no.means physically or mentally abuses me.

I'm sorry but I DO count that as abuse. I don't give a damn how much someone HATES being tickled, it is completely unacceptable to physically GRAB someone and THROW them to the floor to the point where they have physical marks on their body.

This definitely doesn't sound healthy to me in the least.

I agree. And I'm having a hard time understanding how OP is just brushing it off like that's nothing really.

Also, OP, verbal abuse doesn't have to be "true" things told to be abusive. If you find it hurtful, and he continually does/says it, that's abusive. He's saying things knowing you dislike hearing it, and that it hurts your feelings. And throwing you down, bruising your arms, shoving your face in dirty dish water...how is that not physically abusive?

I completely agree. This thread has deeply worried me today. You sound like you are in complete denial as to how far past 'jokes' your OH is taking this.

The fact your mother and others worry about you is a massive massive red flag to me.

 

[hunni12]

This may seem a bit extreme but I think this a poem you should read...the abuse may not be to this extent and you may be in denial but it is a good read and hopefully an eye opener.

[I Got Flowers Today
(Dedicated to Battered Women)

I got flowers today!
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night;
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt;
I know that he is sorry and didn’t mean to say the things he said;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe that it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today!
It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day;
Last night he threw me into a wall and then started choking me;
It seemed unreal, a nightmare, but you wake up from nightmares;
And I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over—but I know he is sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Valentines Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me and threatened to kill me;
Make-up and long sleeves didn’t hide the cuts and bruises this time;
I couldn’t go to work today because I didn’t want anyone to know—but I know he’s sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me again, and it was worse than all of the other times;
If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of the kids? What about money?
I’m afraid of him, but I’m too scared and dependent to leave him! But he must be sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today….
Today was a special day—it was the day of my funeral;
Last night he killed me;
If only I would have gathered the courage and strength to leave him;
I could have received help from the Women’s Shelter, but I didn’t ask for their help;
So I got flowers today—for the last time

 

[AP]

my mum has commented on bruising before, from things such as when ive tickled his feet (he hates it) & hes grabbed my arms & thrown me to the floor or whatever.

I would like to add that, although sometimes he says hurtful things (he will tell me im fat when we know im not, so not true hurtful things, but things that still get us as women) & we have physical play fights, he by no.means physically or mentally abuses me.

I'm sorry but I DO count that as abuse. I don't give a damn how much someone HATES being tickled, it is completely unacceptable to physically GRAB someone and THROW them to the floor to the point where they have physical marks on their body.

This definitely doesn't sound healthy to me in the least.

I agree. And I'm having a hard time understanding how OP is just brushing it off like that's nothing really.

Also, OP, verbal abuse doesn't have to be "true" things told to be abusive. If you find it hurtful, and he continually does/says it, that's abusive. He's saying things knowing you dislike hearing it, and that it hurts your feelings. And throwing you down, bruising your arms, shoving your face in dirty dish water...how is that not physically abusive?

I completely agree. This thread has deeply worried me today. You sound like you are in complete denial as to how far past 'jokes' your OH is taking this.

The fact your mother and others worry about you is a massive massive red flag to me.

I feel the same way about this. Hun you have only been together for 9 months, people are worryin about you, it all sounds very wrong.

 

[Feff]

Thanks for all your answers, truely appreciate every single one of them.

A few questions answered:

*Is he miserable in his job? Yes. Very. But I wasnt to know that yesterday (the day i sent the second photo), he had sent a lengthy email to the head of the company, recieved a date for a grievance meeting AND been in contact with several solicitors to help with legal advice. (All of this i discovered this morning, we saw eachother very briefly before he left for work.)

*Have we discussed out "banter/practical jokes"? No. I guess i feel its always been our way of having fun & being affectionate. I admit though, that in the last few months it jas got my back up more than normal, i tend to snap at him & ive let it build up inside. So sending thpse photos did feel lile total revenge. That sounds awful. I like to joke around with him, when we first got together it was definately a plus that we both shared a mischevious personality. I felt it fun & exciting & that we werent a "boring" couple, & if i call a stop to it he will view me as "boring". My friends who visit me some evenings, have commented on our behaviour (we dont hold back on playfighting etc when we have guests) & have said sometimes they feel worried for me. & my mum has commented on bruising before, from things such as when ive tickled his feet (he hates it) & hes grabbed my arms & thrown me to the floor or whatever.

I would like to add that, although sometimes he says hurtful things (he will tell me im fat when we know im not, so not true hurtful things, but things that still get us as women) & we have physical play fights, he by no.means physically or mentally abuses me. I know he loves me to the moon & back. I guess you ladies are opening my eyes to the fact maybe this behaviour is odd though. I should add we have only been together 9 months.

Add also, i read this back & feel you ladies must think im one naive dumb woman, but im not, ive had shit relationships & this is not like them, i had honestly not been in love before until i me this man.

I think the fact you sent him the second picture definitely shows you want to 'get back at him' somehow. Obviously not in a hitting sort of way, but because you said previously about him being bigger and stronger than you this seems the way you get back at him, by winding him up.

My friend is in a relationship like yours where she and her boyfriend used to play fight. She had bruises all over her and she used to just say 'oh we're always play fighting' then he used to say nasty things like your boyfriend does, now nobody hears off her. When I got pregnant he stopped her talking to me, she doesn't leave the house unless it's with him and it's hard to see!

I would say the behaviour is definitely odd. I would be having strong words with him about it because you obviously don't like it. If you find it hard to talk about it to him then just show him your posts on here (you don't have to show him you made the thread, just screen shot your posts).

I hope you're okay x

 

[Rainbow82]

I know you like the jokey bantering aspect of your relationship but I really feel his jokes go too far. Plenty of people have a great jokey relationship with lots of play fighting etc, my BIL is one of them, but not to the extent that they have bruises on them or are getting their skirt pulled up in public.

If your relationship is strong and based on love then you should be able to discuss this with him, it doesn't have to be as extreme as it is now or boring with no jokes/playing. There is a middle ground which doesn't involve being disrespectful, degrading you or saying hurtful things that you don't like.

 

[misspriss]

Thanks for all your answers, truely appreciate every single one of them.

A few questions answered:

*Is he miserable in his job? Yes. Very. But I wasnt to know that yesterday (the day i sent the second photo), he had sent a lengthy email to the head of the company, recieved a date for a grievance meeting AND been in contact with several solicitors to help with legal advice. (All of this i discovered this morning, we saw eachother very briefly before he left for work.)

*Have we discussed out "banter/practical jokes"? No. I guess i feel its always been our way of having fun & being affectionate. I admit though, that in the last few months it jas got my back up more than normal, i tend to snap at him & ive let it build up inside. So sending thpse photos did feel lile total revenge. That sounds awful. I like to joke around with him, when we first got together it was definately a plus that we both shared a mischevious personality. I felt it fun & exciting & that we werent a "boring" couple, & if i call a stop to it he will view me as "boring". My friends who visit me some evenings, have commented on our behaviour (we dont hold back on playfighting etc when we have guests) & have said sometimes they feel worried for me. & my mum has commented on bruising before, from things such as when ive tickled his feet (he hates it) & hes grabbed my arms & thrown me to the floor or whatever.

I would like to add that, although sometimes he says hurtful things (he will tell me im fat when we know im not, so not true hurtful things, but things that still get us as women) & we have physical play fights, he by no.means physically or mentally abuses me. I know he loves me to the moon & back. I guess you ladies are opening my eyes to the fact maybe this behaviour is odd though. I should add we have only been together 9 months.

Add also, i read this back & feel you ladies must think im one naive dumb woman, but im not, ive had shit relationships & this is not like them, i had honestly not been in love before until i me this man.

I'm sorry but I DO count that as abuse. I don't give a damn how much someone HATES being tickled, it is completely unacceptable to physically GRAB someone and THROW them to the floor to the point where they have physical marks on their body.

This definitely doesn't sound healthy to me in the least.

Wow, this does not seem healthy at all. The appropriate "fun" response to someone tickling you is to tickle them back, NOT throw them on the floor and leave bruises.

I agree. And I'm having a hard time understanding how OP is just brushing it off like that's nothing really.

Also, OP, verbal abuse doesn't have to be "true" things told to be abusive. If you find it hurtful, and he continually does/says it, that's abusive. He's saying things knowing you dislike hearing it, and that it hurts your feelings. And throwing you down, bruising your arms, shoving your face in dirty dish water...how is that not physically abusive?

I agree. Just because something is not true doesn't make it abusive.

 

[emme]

wow... when i read your post the first thing that came into my head was abuse... pulling your skirt up in public is humiliating, why would he want to put you through that?! as for the dunking your head in dirty dishwater... wtf? why the thought of doing that would come into someones head is quite disturbing. is that your child in the picture with you? i would be scared what he would do to my child tbh, throwing an adult down is one thing, throwing a child down would be a whole other story. sounds like you need to get out whilst you can, and if you don't then the very least you should do is show him this thread to make him understand he is an idiot,

good luck x

 

[sparkle_1979]

I remember a post you posted a long time ago about him and drugs too.

Does he behave like this in front of your child ?

X

 

[emme]

also.. i'm sure i'm out of line here, but i am a little concerned you are trying for a baby with this man, when he treats you this way :-|

 

[MiniKiwi]

The verbal abuse worries me, he is being manipulative. It starts as him joking around and calling you fat, it slowly chips away at your confidence until you feel worthless and start questioning yourself and whether you're good enough. A partner should encourage and compliment you, not put you down.

I don't even know what to say regarding the tickling and bruising, a grown man who is bigger than you throwing you to the floor He MASSIVELY over reacted to your picture. You are out having a good time with your mum and babe, why on earth should that bother him? He's a big boy, he has to go to work and miss out on a beer...SO WHAT?!

Your mother being worried speaks volumes. Mums are often right about these kinds of things (mine always is anyway!), talking to her about her worries might clear your head a bit and you can judge for yourself whether you think his behaviour is right.

I know you say you're in love, it IS possible to be in love with somebody who is abusing you, unfortunately, which makes it that much harder for you to see when something isn't right. Take care

 

[Bex84]

You have been with him 9 months and I would say its really odd behaviour. I would not accept dh dunking my head. Pulling up skirt etc.... Its just not funny and certainly not play fighting. I can't stand my feet been touched but would never push dh if he touched them. You should not accept this behaviour, you should not be covered in bruises, you should not put up with horrible comments. I would be worried about what your lo is witnessing as this is not play fighting it just sounds like abuse and you don't deserve it. If he sees it as boring not to humiliate you I would say he has no respect or love for you

 

[Gaige]

my mum has commented on bruising before, from things such as when ive tickled his feet (he hates it) & hes grabbed my arms & thrown me to the floor or whatever.

I would like to add that, although sometimes he says hurtful things (he will tell me im fat when we know im not, so not true hurtful things, but things that still get us as women) & we have physical play fights, he by no.means physically or mentally abuses me.

I'm sorry but I DO count that as abuse. I don't give a damn how much someone HATES being tickled, it is completely unacceptable to physically GRAB someone and THROW them to the floor to the point where they have physical marks on their body.

This definitely doesn't sound healthy to me in the least.

I agree. And I'm having a hard time understanding how OP is just brushing it off like that's nothing really.

Also, OP, verbal abuse doesn't have to be "true" things told to be abusive. If you find it hurtful, and he continually does/says it, that's abusive. He's saying things knowing you dislike hearing it, and that it hurts your feelings. And throwing you down, bruising your arms, shoving your face in dirty dish water...how is that not physically abusive?

I completely agree. This thread has deeply worried me today. You sound like you are in complete denial as to how far past 'jokes' your OH is taking this.

The fact your mother and others worry about you is a massive massive red flag to me.

I feel the same way about this. Hun you have only been together for 9 months, people are worryin about you, it all sounds very wrong.

Adding another "I agree" here.

also.. i'm sure i'm out of line here, but i am a little concerned you are trying for a baby with this man, when he treats you this way :-|

I think I'm going to be slightly more out of line here but what happens when you do become pregnant and he reacts to you tickling him by throwing you onto the floor?
I know that's a really harsh thing to say but it is a very real concern.

 

[emme]

totally agree Gaige