June Baby Angels

[vegasbaby]

Stef: I'm glad you found this thread. I was so sorry to see your post on the June baby thread the other day. It just seemed like we should have all been in the clear by now. I hope you pass everything quickly so you can move on-at least to some extent.

Today I am mad. I am mad at statistics that say things like once you've heard a heartbeat then you have a tiny chance of miscarriage. I am mad that I got pregnant with something that would never develop into a normal child and that I was given such false hope at my first ultrasound. I mad that this could happen again. How the hell I am supposed to prevent two sperm from fertilizing my egg? I am mad that I may have to wait a year to start TTC again because my type of pregnancy could give me cancer.

Jasmine: Enjoy that glass of wine. They only injected me with antibiotics so I've been drinking (only one glass a night) since I found out my baby had no heartbeat. I also enjoyed real sushi the night before my d&c. At least there are a few things we can enjoy now that we couldn't while being pregnant. Of course, I know we would trade it all for a healthy baby. One of these days.....

 

[StefNJunk]

vegasbaby, I was very sad when I saw your post on the June baby thread as well, I actually cried for you, which is rare for me.

I completely understand your anger, I feel the same way. To know that our baby died just days after we saw him/her and heard the HB and everything looked and sounded great... it saddens me and pisses me off at the same time. And then thinking we saw the HB on ultrasound on Monday to learn we didn't really see anything but static... Hearing the ultrasound tech on Wednesday say, "Are you sure of your dates?" then watching her measure and seeing 8 weeks show up on the screen when it should have said 11 weeks 3 days... I wanted to hop up right then, punch something and walk out screaming. I was paranoid this pregnancy because of the last... not sure how I'll handle the nerves with the next.

None of it makes sense.

I'm here if you (or anyone) ever needs to talk or wants someone to listen.

 

[Meli_H]

Hi MeliH,

Aww, that's sweet, this site is absolutely brilliant, so supportive and so many different forums! I joined in 2009 when I was pregnant with my daughter and the ladies on here have been with me on here for a manner of different reasons ever since! I've never been in the loss forums until recently and I was lurking for a while too! It was hard to know which thread to join as the ladies seem to have a good bond and a daily dialogue but I soon found out that they are so welcoming, it takes courage introducing yourself so that's great you did!

I'm so sorry for your loss, June 3rd will forever stay in our hearts! I'm so sorry that you had a horrible miscarriage experience, I went in for the d&c, I was so so scared to do it naturally. Are you trying again soon? Big hugs x x x

Just to update: I'm 8 days post d&c now, still bleeding lightly on and off, cramping but have finished my anti-biotics so am looking forward to my first glass of wine in a long time tonight, I need a huuuugggggeeee glass!

Hope all of the ladies on here are as well as can be today x

Hi Jasmineivy,
Thanks for your kind words.

I miscarried on Nov 1. (sorry if the following is TMI): While at work around lunchtime, I noticed a tiny bit of pinkish watery substance when I wiped. I wiped again, and there was nothing out of the ordinary. I thought I was going crazy. The lighting in the bathroom isn’t the greatest, so after the second wiping, I thought/wanted to think everything was ok, especially because I didn’t have any cramping or anything. In the meantime, I started researching on the internet about miscarriage signs. I read that sometimes cramping and bleeding are not necessarily signs of miscarriage. I called my mom, who shared with me that when she was pregnant with my younger brother, she also had sporadic bleeding/spotting throughout her pregnancy. She tried to be positive and encouraging, and said she would go with me to see my dr the next day.

Well, that evening, around 7pm or so, I started cramping, then around 1 hour later, started spotting, then finally bleeding. I was a wreck and finally was out of denial. I knew what was happening. My husband wanted to take me to the ER, but I knew due to my research that there was nothing that could be done to stop this. I didn’t want him to have to take me to the ER and interrupt his sleep because he had morning work meetings. I just thought that I’d hang in there throughout the night and drive myself to my ob/gyn in the morning (I live about 1 hour away from my dr). Well, the cramping got worse and worse, I started throwing up uncontrollably, had horrendous bowel movements, was sweating and had the chills, felt dizzy and faint. I basically sat on that toilet for about 5 hours. The minute I would try to clean up and take a shower, blood would be everywhere again. My husband basically said “Let’s go to the ER. You are being ridiculous about not wanting to keep me awake and I can’t sleep anyways with all this going on. I’m afraid you are going to pass out in the bathroom”.

That’s how I finally decided to go to the ER. We got there around 1am. They admitted me right away and did an transvaginal ultrasound. They said there was nothing left in my uterus, and said the pain/cramping was basically like going through labor (I have always suffered from horrendous debilitating menstrual cramps, but those cramps were like nothing I have EVER felt). Via an IV, they gave me anti nausea medication, morphine (thank god for morphine!!), IV fluids because I was dehydrated, and a blood transfusion. I was released around 7am, and they prescribed hydrocodone for the painful cramps.

Based on all these stories I’ve read on this site, and from what I saw that came out of me, I *think* my angel must have passed away pretty close after my 1st ultrasound appt at 6 weeks, but I obviously didn’t know, and I still had all my pregnancy symptoms, up until a couple days after I miscarried. I was scheduled for my next dr appt on Nov 7, but I miscarried Nov 1.

So, I didn’t have a choice, mine was done naturally, however, I don’t know what decision I would have made, had I been given a choice as to natural or medically managed?

4 weeks and one day later, I am still bleeding/spotting with no end in sight After the first 10 days or so, it became light bleeding, to the point where all I need are pantiliners and not pads (dr told me not to use tampons). I had to go for weekly blood tests to make sure the hormone levels were going down. November 9th I was at a “28”. My Nov 16th blood draw was unable to be used--the phlebotomist made a mistake during the blood draw. Finally after the 3rd blood test on 11/21/12, I was told my hormones were at a “2” so I could stop taking the blood tests.

At this point, although I am very scared, I definitely want to try again, but I’d like to wait for at least one regular cycle to let my uterine lining replenish. So maybe we’ll start trying again in January?

I have definitely had some wine the last couple of weekends; heck, even had some wine on a few weekdays Like some of the other ladies, I’ve also indulged in sushi and other things I had to avoid while pregnant, and have tried to enjoy it, although, of course, I would rather be enjoying a healthy pregnancy...

What about you? Are you going to TTC in the future?

 

[vegasbaby]

Stef: When I went back onto the June thread to "thank" everyone and when I saw your post I was in total shock and I cried for you too. Tears come so easy these days don't they? I totally understand how you feel about the ultrasound tech. Mine was so quiet, I just knew something was wrong. I kept looking at her face for some sort of expression to to give me a clue, but she's obviously trained her emotions well. She was nice enough to let me see my baby even though she said it was against policy. What a stupid policy. People need closure, let them see what they lost.

I too am a bit scared to try again, but nothing ventured nothing gained. I just hope that the next one is the one I get to keep.

Meli: I am so sorry for you loss. There is no such thing as TMI on BnB! Your experience sounds just awful. I am so glad your dh insisted you go to the hospital. I'll be honest, the d&c was a breeze. The only hard part was knowing what was about to happen and just general nerves about the surgery itself. They gave me happy drugs before they rolled me into surgery and I never even saw the OR as I was out. Next thing I knew it was over. I had some light cramping the hour after the procedure and I've only been wearing panty liners since the day after. In a way I was hoping for more pain, more blood, something that really signified that this is over. None of this seems real. There is no good or bad way to miscarry. It all sucks and it all has the same sad result.

Super glad to hear your hcg levels have dropped and you can TTC again when you are ready.

I will not be allowed to TTC for at least three months and perhaps up to a year based on the fact that I had a partial molar pregnancy. I'm pretty sure that the partial molar carries less of a cancer risk than a complete molar so they don't have to monitor my hcg levels for as long. Also, before I freak anyone out this whole cancer thing only relates to molar pregnancies and not any other type of miscarriage. Don't want to worry anyone unnecessarily. Once I get the green light, it's on.

 

[StefNJunk]

vegasbaby, that IS a stupid policy. Or tech was really nice, very sympathetic. I knew it wasn't her fault and she was doing what she could but I couldn't help but be mad at her. I just needed to be mad.

Here's to our next pregnancies being perfect.

 

[nessaw]

Ladies am so sorry to see you all here.x

 

[StefNJunk]

I am very sorry for your loss. My baby stopped growing at 8+3, we found out at 9+6 (a wed). I passed the baby on the next Friday. I am pretty sure that I ovulated yesterday. So that is just under 3 weeks since I passed the baby or 4 weeks since it died. I guess I will find out in a couple weeks if I really ovulated and if I am back to normal.

Edit- I am in Springfield, btw.

Thanks for letting me know how it went for you, and sorry for your loss, as well.

I'm in Herculaneum right now, about half an hour south of the city, but we're trying to move up to the St. Charles / St. Peters / O'Fallon area.

We went to St. Charles for the Christmas celebration last year. Very nice area.

Yes it is, OH grew up there so it would be nice for him to be back. That and would cut is drive to work from an hour each way to a few minutes.

 

[Meli_H]

vegasbaby,

I totally understand your point about wanting to feel more pain, or see more blood, to really signify that this is over. By the time that I went to the ER, I was a wreck physically, but emotionally I was finally able to ‘get it together’. Right or wrong, I’m the type of person that hates being the center of attention, dislike asking anyone for favors, being a ‘nuisance’ or making a big deal out of things. I really thought that I’d be able to hang in there til the next day and drive myself to my dr office. HA! Yah right. How naïve was I? Anyways, I was over the hysterical crying and sobbing, and just tried to keep it together to not freak out dh anymore than he already was. I was pale,sweaty, hair so tangled it looked like a mop, and didn’t give a crap what I was wearing (dh’s sweats and mismatched flip flops). I was emotionless, matter of fact…telling the front desk, triage nurse and admitting nurse “I had a miscarriage”. The admitting nurse even asked me “was this a planned pregnancy?” Thinking back, I realize this is an odd question, because I’m not a teenager. I know that I don’t look 40 (I’ve been told that I look like I’m in my 20’s when I’m not wearing makeup and have hair up in a ponytail) but I certainly don’t look like a teen LOL! I imagine she probably asked me such a question because I don’t think they are used to such behavior from a woman in my situation.

Back to your point about the blood and pain helping one in dealing with the situation: I think the physical pain was so horrid, as was the throwing up and chills, that I was able to concentrate just on the physical torture while the worst of it was happening, instead of thinking about the emotional and mental pain. The emotional pain and mental pain returned, of course, and still exists, as it does for all of us that have gone through such sadness.

After what I went through, and hearing yours and others’ stories of d&c’s, if I had the opportunity to make a choice as to go ‘natural’ or ‘medically managed’, I think I would elect for the d&c.

It’s so true, what you said though. There is no good or bad way to miscarry; it all leads to the same result…

I am SO SORRY to hear about your partial molar pregnancy. I can’t imagine going through all this, and then still having to wait such a long time to TTC, not to mention the looming possibility of cancer!!?? My thoughts and prayers are with you (and all of the ladies here) not just for your health now and in the future, but for loads of patience and calm acceptance of what will be, will be…

OK I feel horrible and ashamed even admitting this, but I was also caught up in the whole “my plans have been ruined!!”. I am such a control freak, and this pregnancy was planned down to the T. I didn’t want to get pregnant before September because I wanted to have some ‘margaritas’ during our various extended family vacations (Laughlin, beach camping at CA coast, my ‘surprise’ 40th bday party in Aug) I LOVED the idea having a due date of my dh’s bday, I wanted a summer baby so that the weather was perfect for birthday swimming parties, not being pregnant throughout the summertime (I live in the high desert so it can get pretty hot!), school is out so that my mom can come live with us for a couple of months (she helps my db and sil get my niece and nephews to school), I would be able to make the formal announcement to my extended family during Thanksgiving dinner (I wanted to wait for the first trimester to be over before making the announcement; it would have been a huge deal for my family because I think they all gave up on me wanting to have kids--but of course I had already told my immediate family). I had already planned the Christmas cards I would be sending in about 1 week that would also announce my pregnancy…sigh….I could go on and on….but did/does anybody else feel the same way?? Or am I the only selfish/control freak on this board?

 

[bluebird]

Hi Meli-

No you're not alone. I was soooooooo excited for my June baby. It would have put my daughter and the new baby almost exactly 2 years apart, I had visions of them driving to high school together. And I would have been on maternity leave June/July/Aug so we would have had an amazing summer, family vacations and lounging by the pool. Also it would give me the chance to get my DD potty trained and ready to start school in September *sigh*
Most of all I just miss my baby, I fee like a piece of our family is gone forever.

 

[Middysquidge]

Hi MeliH,

Aww, that's sweet, this site is absolutely brilliant, so supportive and so many different forums! I joined in 2009 when I was pregnant with my daughter and the ladies on here have been with me on here for a manner of different reasons ever since! I've never been in the loss forums until recently and I was lurking for a while too! It was hard to know which thread to join as the ladies seem to have a good bond and a daily dialogue but I soon found out that they are so welcoming, it takes courage introducing yourself so that's great you did!

I'm so sorry for your loss, June 3rd will forever stay in our hearts! I'm so sorry that you had a horrible miscarriage experience, I went in for the d&c, I was so so scared to do it naturally. Are you trying again soon? Big hugs x x x

Just to update: I'm 8 days post d&c now, still bleeding lightly on and off, cramping but have finished my anti-biotics so am looking forward to my first glass of wine in a long time tonight, I need a huuuugggggeeee glass!

Hope all of the ladies on here are as well as can be today x

Hi Jasmineivy,
Thanks for your kind words.

I miscarried on Nov 1. (sorry if the following is TMI): While at work around lunchtime, I noticed a tiny bit of pinkish watery substance when I wiped. I wiped again, and there was nothing out of the ordinary. I thought I was going crazy. The lighting in the bathroom isn’t the greatest, so after the second wiping, I thought/wanted to think everything was ok, especially because I didn’t have any cramping or anything. In the meantime, I started researching on the internet about miscarriage signs. I read that sometimes cramping and bleeding are not necessarily signs of miscarriage. I called my mom, who shared with me that when she was pregnant with my younger brother, she also had sporadic bleeding/spotting throughout her pregnancy. She tried to be positive and encouraging, and said she would go with me to see my dr the next day.

Well, that evening, around 7pm or so, I started cramping, then around 1 hour later, started spotting, then finally bleeding. I was a wreck and finally was out of denial. I knew what was happening. My husband wanted to take me to the ER, but I knew due to my research that there was nothing that could be done to stop this. I didn’t want him to have to take me to the ER and interrupt his sleep because he had morning work meetings. I just thought that I’d hang in there throughout the night and drive myself to my ob/gyn in the morning (I live about 1 hour away from my dr). Well, the cramping got worse and worse, I started throwing up uncontrollably, had horrendous bowel movements, was sweating and had the chills, felt dizzy and faint. I basically sat on that toilet for about 5 hours. The minute I would try to clean up and take a shower, blood would be everywhere again. My husband basically said “Let’s go to the ER. You are being ridiculous about not wanting to keep me awake and I can’t sleep anyways with all this going on. I’m afraid you are going to pass out in the bathroom”.

That’s how I finally decided to go to the ER. We got there around 1am. They admitted me right away and did an transvaginal ultrasound. They said there was nothing left in my uterus, and said the pain/cramping was basically like going through labor (I have always suffered from horrendous debilitating menstrual cramps, but those cramps were like nothing I have EVER felt). Via an IV, they gave me anti nausea medication, morphine (thank god for morphine!!), IV fluids because I was dehydrated, and a blood transfusion. I was released around 7am, and they prescribed hydrocodone for the painful cramps.

Based on all these stories I’ve read on this site, and from what I saw that came out of me, I *think* my angel must have passed away pretty close after my 1st ultrasound appt at 6 weeks, but I obviously didn’t know, and I still had all my pregnancy symptoms, up until a couple days after I miscarried. I was scheduled for my next dr appt on Nov 7, but I miscarried Nov 1.

So, I didn’t have a choice, mine was done naturally, however, I don’t know what decision I would have made, had I been given a choice as to natural or medically managed?

4 weeks and one day later, I am still bleeding/spotting with no end in sight After the first 10 days or so, it became light bleeding, to the point where all I need are pantiliners and not pads (dr told me not to use tampons). I had to go for weekly blood tests to make sure the hormone levels were going down. November 9th I was at a “28”. My Nov 16th blood draw was unable to be used--the phlebotomist made a mistake during the blood draw. Finally after the 3rd blood test on 11/21/12, I was told my hormones were at a “2” so I could stop taking the blood tests.

At this point, although I am very scared, I definitely want to try again, but I’d like to wait for at least one regular cycle to let my uterine lining replenish. So maybe we’ll start trying again in January?

I have definitely had some wine the last couple of weekends; heck, even had some wine on a few weekdays Like some of the other ladies, I’ve also indulged in sushi and other things I had to avoid while pregnant, and have tried to enjoy it, although, of course, I would rather be enjoying a healthy pregnancy...

What about you? Are you going to TTC in the future?

Very drunk, will reply when sober x

 

[angel2010]

Very drunk, will reply when sober x

Have fun!!!

 

[vegasbaby]

Meli: I could not have been happier with my June due date. I knew that I would have another c-section which meant I would have the baby sometime in late May and I was hoping this baby and my dh would share a b-day. Like you I was really looking forward to not being heavily pregnant in the heat of the summer (Orlando is so darn humid!) and I loved the idea that the baby would be able to have swim parties, not to mention he/she wouldn't be the oldest or youngest in his/her class. All of these details just thrilled me. Also, it took me almost a year of trying (though I was so opinionated about dates that we used protection during February/March/April as I didn't want a baby with a birthday close to the holidays. I'm pretty sure those will be the exact dates I will be cleared to try again ffs.

Jasmine: Good for you. I'm about to open a bottle of wine. It is going to be a good night.

 

[StefNJunk]

Sucky night here, to put it lightly. Decided to use Cytotec to help things out. Been about two and a half hours. I can barely move, the pain is so ridiculous

 

[bluebird]

Oh no stef! Didn't they give you any pain meds??My Dr prescribed Vicodin when she gave me cytotec

 

[StefNJunk]

No, but I got it from my midwife. She just said tylenol or ibuprofen. Isn't even remotely helping

 

[bluebird]

No kidding, it's extremely painful. It's basically labor pains. Hang in there, maybe a heating pad would help??

 

[StefNJunk]

Tried that, didn't seem to do much. It's been almost 4 hours, it just seems to be getting worse. This is like some sort of cruel joke I hate pain meds but I so wish I had something right now

 

[angel2010]

No, Tylenol did not help at all! I also got some Vicodin, but not until after I went to the ER because I couldn't take it any more. I am so sorry, I hope it goes quickly for you!

 

[nessaw]

Stef so sorry u r going thro this.i had the pills and all i had thro the main cramping was over the counter stuff which did nothing.when i went back to the hosp they gave me co-codamol which got rid of every cramp etc.go and get some harder stuff.hope ur ok.x

 

[Middysquidge]

Hi MeliH,

Hi Jasmineivy,
Thanks for your kind words.

I miscarried on Nov 1. (sorry if the following is TMI): While at work around lunchtime, I noticed a tiny bit of pinkish watery substance when I wiped. I wiped again, and there was nothing out of the ordinary. I thought I was going crazy. The lighting in the bathroom isn’t the greatest, so after the second wiping, I thought/wanted to think everything was ok, especially because I didn’t have any cramping or anything. In the meantime, I started researching on the internet about miscarriage signs. I read that sometimes cramping and bleeding are not necessarily signs of miscarriage. I called my mom, who shared with me that when she was pregnant with my younger brother, she also had sporadic bleeding/spotting throughout her pregnancy. She tried to be positive and encouraging, and said she would go with me to see my dr the next day.

Well, that evening, around 7pm or so, I started cramping, then around 1 hour later, started spotting, then finally bleeding. I was a wreck and finally was out of denial. I knew what was happening. My husband wanted to take me to the ER, but I knew due to my research that there was nothing that could be done to stop this. I didn’t want him to have to take me to the ER and interrupt his sleep because he had morning work meetings. I just thought that I’d hang in there throughout the night and drive myself to my ob/gyn in the morning (I live about 1 hour away from my dr). Well, the cramping got worse and worse, I started throwing up uncontrollably, had horrendous bowel movements, was sweating and had the chills, felt dizzy and faint. I basically sat on that toilet for about 5 hours. The minute I would try to clean up and take a shower, blood would be everywhere again. My husband basically said “Let’s go to the ER. You are being ridiculous about not wanting to keep me awake and I can’t sleep anyways with all this going on. I’m afraid you are going to pass out in the bathroom”.

That’s how I finally decided to go to the ER. We got there around 1am. They admitted me right away and did an transvaginal ultrasound. They said there was nothing left in my uterus, and said the pain/cramping was basically like going through labor (I have always suffered from horrendous debilitating menstrual cramps, but those cramps were like nothing I have EVER felt). Via an IV, they gave me anti nausea medication, morphine (thank god for morphine!!), IV fluids because I was dehydrated, and a blood transfusion. I was released around 7am, and they prescribed hydrocodone for the painful cramps.

Based on all these stories I’ve read on this site, and from what I saw that came out of me, I *think* my angel must have passed away pretty close after my 1st ultrasound appt at 6 weeks, but I obviously didn’t know, and I still had all my pregnancy symptoms, up until a couple days after I miscarried. I was scheduled for my next dr appt on Nov 7, but I miscarried Nov 1.

So, I didn’t have a choice, mine was done naturally, however, I don’t know what decision I would have made, had I been given a choice as to natural or medically managed?

4 weeks and one day later, I am still bleeding/spotting with no end in sight After the first 10 days or so, it became light bleeding, to the point where all I need are pantiliners and not pads (dr told me not to use tampons). I had to go for weekly blood tests to make sure the hormone levels were going down. November 9th I was at a “28”. My Nov 16th blood draw was unable to be used--the phlebotomist made a mistake during the blood draw. Finally after the 3rd blood test on 11/21/12, I was told my hormones were at a “2” so I could stop taking the blood tests.

At this point, although I am very scared, I definitely want to try again, but I’d like to wait for at least one regular cycle to let my uterine lining replenish. So maybe we’ll start trying again in January?

I have definitely had some wine the last couple of weekends; heck, even had some wine on a few weekdays Like some of the other ladies, I’ve also indulged in sushi and other things I had to avoid while pregnant, and have tried to enjoy it, although, of course, I would rather be enjoying a healthy pregnancy...

What about you? Are you going to TTC in the future?

Hi ladies,

Well, as you can tell from my drunken post last night, I had a rather good old knees up, it was nice to let my hair down for a little bit. I actually felt a bit dizzy after my first bottle of beer and really drunk from it, one beer, cheap date alert! My friends came round we had a lot to drink and eat for that matter. It's nice to indulge in the things I couldn't before, it's a tiny consulation, I have been eating pate, runny eggs, and now drinking but I'm only having a little break, I would much rather be pregnant but obviously it's out of my hands atm.

Melih, It sounds like you have had a terrible ordeal, all that for your first pregnancy as well, I really feel for you. I kind of feel like I had a really easy time in comparrison, but for me it was only from going on this site that I knew to opt for d&c, that was right for me and I'm glad I did, but i understand that some women don't want to or have the choice. Tbh I think I had started to miscarriage natually the night before the op and the day of, I think if they had left me any longer then it would have happened, I'm glad it didn't though.

We too will be trying in January, so hopefully it won't be long for either of us. It's great news that your levels are back down to 2 now, your body should be getting back to normal now. I understand what you and the other ladies are saying about June being the perfect month, I'm gutted too that we can't have June anymore, it felt like a nice month to have a baby, I had a December one with Eva, it was freezing breast feeding and very expensive this time of year! Oh well, guess I'm destined to a life of poverty in December! hehe x

Stefnjunk, I really hope you are okay now, it sounds horrible what you're going through, I'm so sorry for you x