On the road again... a place for women getting into the TTC groove again.

[Carybear]

So sorry Cat... Mine was early, so I never got to see the baby... Sending

Yeah... Everything mirrors AF for me... I'd say back pain is a bad sign but I had it with my last BFP (I think). The only difference this time is that I have several pulling pains from belly button to groin (that is definitely not an AF sign - although pulling pains near ovaries are a sign of AF for me) and I am constipated (not severely but just slower and lighter than usual) instead of getting diarrhea which is a sure sign AF is in her way. I usually get it about a week before AF... Everything else could go either way.

 

[Left wonderin]

Cary I'm so hoping this is your time and your turn for a BFP . You are such a strong a positive lady with great faith I have faith that one day even if its not this month you will get to hold your baby xxxxxx

Ill be stalking

 

[RedWylder]

I hope you ladies are holding up ok. I am waiting on my scan which is tomorrow at 9am. I've got this feeling that I'm really going to be a mess afterwards because everything tells me this pregnancy isn't viable. I'm trying to stay strong but I'm a nervous wreck right now.

 

[Left wonderin]

Oh RED its awful having to wait and not know . Are you currently spotting or anything ? Not knowing is so awful , being left In an emotional limbo

Can you do something nice today for yourself ? Or are you in work I'm hoping the time goes quickly for you between now and tomorrow . I'm also hoping that everything will be just fine xxxxxxx

 

[cat1983]

hi red i hope everything has went gd for u today fingers crossed for u xx

 

[Carybear]

Hi red... Thinking about you... Hoping to hear good news!

left! I have so many mixed signals... So I really don't know. One day I'm sure AF is coming the next I think we'll maybe... Took a test today but BFN... Today is 10dpo... Tuesday I had a hot flash... My face turned red and everything... Yesterday I had lower back pain.. Tylenol would even touch it... Then, like six hours later its gone... Never had that happen before!

So, I will test again tomorrow morning and then wait for AF on Saturday just in case...

 

[RedWylder]

Nope not spotting but that doesn't necessarily rule out bad thing but it is one of the pluses for sure. I could hardly sleep I was so nervous last night. Now I'm ready to begin this day 2.5 hours left before I got in!

 

[Starry Night]

Looks like the internet ate my post last night so I'll say it again: Thinking of you Red and hoping for the best! We're here for you whatever happens.

AFM - no referral in the mail so I called the doctor's office. They had sent it out a week ago so they gave me the number for the specialist's clinic and I left a message there. Hope they're prompt in getting back to me.

 

[RedWylder]

Well Starry, it appears I'm in exactly the same boat you were in a few weeks ago. My ultrasound showed an underdeveloped sac and no baby. At this point I'm just in a waiting game for my body to recognize when it's time to give up. I'm traveling over the next two weeks and it will probably happen then. If it doesn't then I'll go in for another scan when I get back to confirm. Why. That's my question.

 

[Starry Night]

Well Starry, it appears I'm in exactly the same boat you were in a few weeks ago. My ultrasound showed an underdeveloped sac and no baby. At this point I'm just in a waiting game for my body to recognize when it's time to give up. I'm traveling over the next two weeks and it will probably happen then. If it doesn't then I'll go in for another scan when I get back to confirm. Why. That's my question.

That sucks. How far along should you be now? I would make sure to get another scan before making any decision in regards to d&c or medical management. Is there anyway you can get one sooner than 2 weeks? I would think 1 week should be sufficient to give you a hint if it's growing or not. Also, betas should help too. If they are only going up a little bit or even going down then it takes some of the guesswork out of it.

I'm really sorry, Red. I'm still waiting for the answer to "why" too.

 

[RedWylder]

Unfortunately sooner can't happen due to my travel plans. I leave tomorrow and will be gone until at least June 10th. I should be 6 weeks 3-5 days. So there should definitely have been more than a sack. I'll definitely get more tests done before getting a D/C. So far nothing of the sort has been discussed yet since it's not confirmed. But you know it when you know it and I know that this isn't my rainbow.

 

[Starry Night]

I understand about the 'knowing'. There is always the off chance that our intuitions are off but it almost seems easier to just accept than fight it and increase our disappointment and hurt later. It's one of those "hope for the best but expect the worst" scenarios.

I hope your travels can serve to distract you from things so you don't have to dwell too much.

AFM - my OBYN appointment is in August. Not really shocked by the wait as 3 months is fairly typical over here but it drives home the reality that I can't even start TTC for a looong time as this appointment is to get a referral to the fertility clinic so more waiting. Just really trying to trust God's timing even if it means I have to wait for my rainbow.

 

[RedWylder]

Starry are you not interested in trying at all without help? I don't know I could stand to wait that long.

 

[Starry Night]

DH and I have sort of discussed it. At this point I am still youngish (30) so we have a little bit of time. I think if the wait for the fertility clinic is going to be longer than a year on top of our current 3 month wait we might just "go for it". But I've been getting a lot of encouragement from the medical community to go for testing. All the nurses at the hospital along with the surgeon's assistant--who was a genetic specialist back in China--all urged me to go. Also, my GP insisted I go as well. I'd been praying for wisdom in this HUGE decision (to test or to risk it all) and I've taken this as an answer.

 

[Starry Night]

Anyways, it has taken my cycles about 3 months after my miscarriages to go back to normal so the wait for an OBYN will take some of the pressure and anxiety off. I probably won't be ovulating until then and I won't be as frustrated b/c I can't TTC.

 

[RedWylder]

I'm so glad you have some direction. I feel so lost right now.

 

[Carybear]

Red.... I'm so sorry... Before you got your positive, you weren't sure about ovulating. Is there a chance that you could be earlier than you think? My heart is breaking for you...

I have not had another positive yet, but I understand the knowing... With my mc I had back pain the night before. Then, I had spotting the next day. Everyone said that spotting is normal, but somehow I just knew. I held on way longer than I should have and lent a week hoping.

If you need to talk... I'm here to listen...

Starry I hope you get some answers and the next time you get a BFP it's a sticky bean!

 

[rayraykay]

I'm so sorry red & starry. I wish I could say anything that would make it better, but I know all I can do is send you love and support you.

 

[Starry Night]

Red - it's taken a long time to get to where I am emotionally and even to have any sort of direction. Deciding to go for testing was one of the hardest decisions to make because of the long wait. But if I don't go I could risk another miscarriage and thus only prolonging the testing and arrival of my rainbow. At this point I feel like I really need help. My son feels like a miraculous fluke.

And I will admit that having a child already really, really helps me keep my sanity. I have to be strong for him and I know I'm lucky to have him. Before we even started TTC#2 I told God that if my DS was the only child I'd get I would be content and I meant it. It doesn't lessen the pain of the losses but the level of desperation is not the same. I've gone through the m/c with no children to show for it and there is an extra element of pain there. There is that fear of "what if I never have kids".

After my last miscarriage I was bit of a mess but after this one I kind of just threw my hands up in the air. Now I'm just mad but not in an explosive way. More in a "how do I beat this" way. I don't want life's knocks to get me down. I want to rise above them and say "nanner nanner, you can't get me". Immature? Yes. But satisfying.

 

[Starry Night]

And I'm not as bold as I sound online. It is a great internal struggle some days. I have to fight to stay connected with DH (I have a tendency to shut people out when I'm down) and other days I just want to give up and eat ice cream while sitting on the couch. I cry on the toilet. I'm scared to talk to the in-laws, fearful of what they may say. I'm scared to see my friends in case one of them tells me they're pregnant. It sucks. But I'll get through. And so will you.