On the road again... a place for women getting into the TTC groove again.

[Starry Night]

I love the PMA! I hope it rubs off on me soon. Still feel really glum about WTT. Right now I guess we're NTNP but we really should get on the Preventing Train. Well...we're staying at my parents so not much of anything is going to be happening anyways! ha ha!

I'm now hanging around the Recurrent Miscarriage Thread and getting some tips on vitamins and such to add to my TTC regimen. I'm a little intimidated by all the pills I will be taking. I'm already taking 3. Right now thinking of adding 3 more and may add a fourth if I become brave enough to add Agnus cactus. I don't know why, but I have this paranoia about taking herbal supplements.

 

[Left wonderin]

Hi Starry and everyone else . Starry forget PMA rubbing off , it emanated from you ! Your an inspiration and one tough cookie lol......

I also read on a thread can't remember which one of a lady who took lots of supplements and got her BFP , only to find out she is having quadruplets ! Naturally ! Unfortunately one of them did not make it but she now is having triplets Her supplements obviously worked lol..

Hope everyone is well , I'm 9dpo and fully expecting AF . If I get a BFP it will be a wonderful surprise if she does come I guess it's on to cycle 5 ( well really cycle 17 ) but who's counting lol....

 

[Starry Night]

Left - I hope you get your wonderful surprise! A few of my bfps came on the cycles I thought I was out for sure due to lack of signs (at least, traditional ones)

I'm going to need every ounce of PMA I can get. Tonight I found out my brother and SIL are expecting baby #3. I can't even conjure up any happy feelings. I totally faked a thrilled response and my mom said "OH, I can relax now" like she knew this announcement could go very badly. But I refused to ask when the baby was due. If it's due in December I want to wait until we're back home and can find out over the phone or email so I can have a proper freak out. Right now I'm going crazy because I can't even have a good cry over it . I just want to tear out my uterus with a knife because I feel so broken and stung by life's unfairness. I should be pregnant! Heck, I should have a squealing newborn right now!!!!


^This is the only crying I can get in right now....

And unless I was ovulating last week (hardly likely) and we conceived from the 2 times we DTD then we are definitely waiting for testing. DH is now pretty firm on that. We had prayed and prayed about whether or not we should and every medical staff person we've come across has insisted we go so he is taking that as our answer. I don't want to wait anymore. But I know another m/c will only make things worse.

 

[Starry Night]

I just have to add as confession that I am so mad and angry and upset that a part of me is actually wishing they lose the baby. I know this is wrong but I'm so upset that I don't even feel guilty for feeling this way. I feel like it would make life more fair. I'm sure this feeling will pass and I know I"ll love the baby once it's here but right now I'm just having monstrous thoughts.

 

[Left wonderin]

Oh Starry I'm sorry your feeling so bad but its good to let it all out xxxxxxxx some time life is just SO UNFAIR ! When I had mc , I got a call 4 weeks later to say my niece 21 was pg , due a week after I was . It's so hard to be around her now , her bump is growing and everyone is talking how hard it is for her ....... I want to scream and for her to disappear for a while !!!!! It's also awful you got that news on your holidays

I'm sorry for you xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Starry Night]

I know. I wish they would have told me by email after our vacation. This was supposed to be our get away trip where we didn't have to think about everything we've gone through. And now it's right there in my face and I feel like a big reset button as been pushed on my grief. I feel exactly the way I did the day the doctor told me my baby was going to die. I just want to go home.

 

[Carybear]

Awwww Starry... I'm so sorry. I wish people would be more considerate. Life sucks sometimes!

My prayers are with you...

 

[rayraykay]

Oh starry. I'm so sorry. And no, none of the feelings you have are wrong. You wishing they would lose the baby won't make it happen, and if it did happen, it wouldn't be you fault. Your feelings of anger are completely normal. All I can say is that I am so so sorry.

 

[Left wonderin]

Well just had some brown cm (tmi) when checking my cervix , only a little but there . I'm 10dpo so could be a sign of early AF ... Also have a weird hip pain for the last few days and a banging headache all day ......... Ill just have to wait it out over the next few days . Ill get my answer one way or the other soon enough ! Xxxxx

Starry I'm heartbroken for you all,over again xxxxxxx

 

[Carybear]

FX'd for ya left

 

[Left wonderin]

Thanks Cary , I hate these few days , its the not knowing that kills me , once I know one way or the other I can deal with the outcome !!!!

 

[Carybear]

Yeah... It's the not knowing. I agree... I can handle the disappointment a whole lot better than the land of the unknown...

 

[Left wonderin]

Cary I so hear ya , ( what a lovely way of puttin it ! ) the land of not knowing is awful. Just quick update , brown tinged cm has not progressed , not reallythere this am , and my temp rose ???? Surely if AF on the way it would have fallen ? ... Oh god waiting till Wednesday is gonna kill me !

 

[Carybear]

Left... Sounds really good!!!! Keep up the PMA!!!!!

 

[Left wonderin]

Quick update , this afternoon brown discharge increased , still only there when I check . Not on my knickers yet ( tmi ) was tinged pink/red this evening . I'm 90% sure AF is on the way early . Am caving and testing with fmu tommrow , I need to get out of the land of not knowing

 

[Carybear]

Good for you... I'm hoping for you...

 

[Starry Night]

Left - at least you'll know one way or the other soon.

aFM - found out my brother's baby is due in December. Yippee. The vacation that was supposed to be my fun escape is now constant torture and I'm counting down the days until we leave. There have been salvageable moments but I can't even look at my SiL as she is already showing (I thought she had looked pregnant before the announcement but chalked it up to her post-baby body from her first 2 kids and made myself feel better for my own post-baby body). I've always been close to my brother and SiL so avoiding them when I've been really looking forward to seeing them is strange and painful.

I honestly don't want to wait for testing any more. It may be a knee-jerk reaction (what DH thinks) but I'm in so much pain right now. I need to TTC even if just to get my mind off of what I lost. TTCaL helps me to look forward.

 

[Left wonderin]

Starry are you n holiday with your sil ?

 

[Carybear]

I'm so sorry Starry.... Wish there was something I could say...

 

[Starry Night]

My holiday is definitely hit and miss. I can not look at my sil without feeling that empty ache inside of me. She has now gone public on FB so I have officially "unfollowed" her. I hope that keeps all the updates out of my newsfeed because outright blocking her or unfriending her would not be taken well. We normally get on really well. My brother and sil are wisely not referring to the baby around me so that helps. But I have had to leave the room multiple times to prevent myself from being snarky or crying in front of them.

Then today, we were at a picnic and my dad took off with DS for over an hour. No one knew where they went and dad wasn't answering his cell phone. We had to send out a search party for them and I thought I was never going to see my son again. You can imagine the state I was in. Turns out they were fine other than DS sobbing from fatigue. My dad couldn't understand why DH and I were upset but I walked in on my mom giving him a good scolding and he was extra nice to me afterwards so I can't stay mad. But I'm still very shaken. Yes, there was a happy ending but that was the worst hour of my life. That was an awful, awful feeling.