On the road again... a place for women getting into the TTC groove again.

[Starry Night]

Just adding: while on vacation, Dh and I went for a small hike around one of our favourite parks and saw a chipmunk. It made me smile as we don't have those here and we had named our last angel Theodore. I like to pretend that was my angel's way of saying 'hi'.

 

[Carybear]

Wow starry... My prayer for you is that you get a happy surprise... I remember the butt cramps from your last BFP... You are in my thoughts and prayers...

 

[Starry Night]

I'm really trying not to get my hopes up because I always feel embarrassed for raising my hopes on top of being disappointed when AF arrives.

 

[Carybear]

I'm right there with you... Every month since my mc in November, I have been so sure... I wonder now, but well I've learned to not say anything... Except on here...

Feel free to talk about it... This is a no judging zone... Talk away... Wish away... Hope away... Know that we are supporting you and wishing and hoping with you. If disappointment comes... We will be here for that too...

I love this thread because I can say anything and I get unconditional support!

 

[Starry Night]

I love this thread too.

I hope Red is doing OK. If you're reading this, thinking of you and I'm really glad you started this thread! It really has been the place I've turned too since my loss in November.

I'm listening to Kelly Clarkson's song "Stronger" right now. It's really about getting over a bad relationship but I feel the chorus is so applicable. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...stand a little taller....what doesn't kill you makes you a fighter". It's a great pick-me-up song.

 

[Carybear]

Starry.. I just read the chipmunk part... How sweet is that! What a perfect little reminder of your angel. God sends things along just when we need them most!

 

[Starry Night]

I like to think so. Just like the only u/s I got of my first baby is in the shape of a peanut and we had called it Lil Peanut. We named that baby Kaitlin.

Another time, dh and I were out on a walk and we saw a rainbow and then I noticed that, right at our feet, was a baby bottle someone had left on the path. It gave me lots of hope and a few months later I was pregnant with my son.

 

[RedWylder]

I'm here and I'm reading but not in a great place to respond. Xxxx

 

[Left wonderin]

I'm here and I'm reading but not in a great place to respond. Xxxx

Red my heart breaks for you I can't imagine the loss you are feeling right now .i hope you have lots of people around you giving TLC xxxxxxxxx

Starry I remember your butt cramps from the last time too .........

 

[rayraykay]

I am so sorry Red... I am thinking of you. I also hope those around you are giving you TLC.

Starry- I too remember your butt cramps from last time. I also think the chipmunk story is amazing. It's pretty amazing sometimes how the God & the world sends us signs, and to me that's definitely a sign.

I am truly thinking of you all, you are such amazing women and I truly enjoy reading your posts even if I am not active in replying. You are all inspirations.

 

[Starry Night]

I think I'm reading too much into the butt cramps. I had them with my last two bfps but those were definitely in the muscle and not always related with bathroom issues. This time I think the ones I'm having are from being slightly constipated which is not a pregnancy sign for me. I think I'm desperately hoping to be pregnant because I want to skip over the painful process of TTCaL and waiting for testing, etc. I do think it's more realistic that I was having intense ov signs and that I would have ov'd over last week when we were not having sex. Oh well. I guess I'll find out one way or the other eventually.

Red - thinking of you. You know you're free to vent here. I'm feeling pretty dark too. I thought I was OK until I found out my SiL is pregnant. I literally cried until I screamed. I feel so angry at the unfairness of it all so I just don't think about it. Still can't believe this is my reality.

Hope you find some comfort and can see the light soon.

 

[RedWylder]

Hi guys. I'm finally back from my trip south and near a computer and able to update fully. I'll start with the miscarriage process...

A few days into my vacation I started having dark brown spotting which I remember from my first miscarriage lasting a few days. So I expected to start my miscarriage within a few days of this spotting as well. A week went by and I was spotting heavily and still did not miscarry. Because I'm a hopeful fool I began to think that maybe I wasn't going to miscarry after all and this was what some women experience during early pregnancy and go on to have healthy kids. Just as I began to feel hopeful again and about a week and a half after starting dark brown spotting I was hit with some very painful cramps and heavy red bleeding....and so it began. A day later I was hit with another wave of painful cramps and ran to the toilet and out plopped a little something that must have been the gestational sac and remnants of my baby. This happened on my 5th year wedding anniversary which sort of wrecked the date a little bit for me. I decided to keep the tissue for possible genetic testing and if doesn't get used for that I'll have a little private ceremony and bury it someplace nice in Alaska. That's pretty much it. I'm at the end of the miscarriage with only light spotting left. I go in to see my midwife tomorrow so that she can let me know where to go from here. All in all it was quick; nothing very dramatic happened.

I'm not really sure what I feel at this moment so it's hard to vent. I know I cried when Left got her BFP because I was remembering how happy I felt to see the second line and in contrast to the blankness I feel now. Like I said I'm really not sure what to feel or how I feel. Mostly I'm just trying to forget it ever happened and move on. I don't want to try anymore. I haven't even marked my calendar for when the miscarriage began. I feel lost I guess. But I'm not completely unhappy. I've had a lot of support and my hubby has been understanding and supportive. I'm keeping busy and doing things that I like to do and trying to remind myself that there are many things that make life wonderful despite my loss.

If I'm a little more distant please know that I still read your updates and I'm happy for you when you get good news and sad when you don't but right now it's easier if I don't completely absorb myself in the TTC world. I follow the graduates thread as well and cry at all the baby photos and smile as well. I'm still here loving and supporting you all but I just need to be a little further away from it all right now.

 

[Starry Night]

My heart breaks with yours, Red. It is really terrible that it happened on a day that should have been a happy one. Take all the time and space you need. There is no pressure to try again if you don't want to. I don't know how some of these girls try after so many losses in a row. If I had had all four of my angels in a row without a living child to comfort me I know I'd give up. Heck, if I had lost my son along with his twin that would have been it for me. At least, I wouldn't have been up to try for a long, long time.

I"m glad your DH is being so supportive.

 

[Left wonderin]

Red how awful for you , I can at this point only imagine how you maybe feeling I'm glad you have a great hubby to support you . As for being here to support us ...... I think its your turn for to receive stalk away , you don't have to say a word . But when you feel ready to chat we will all be here waiting xxxxx

 

[Carybear]

Red... Just know we are here...

When I had my mc... The best thing anyone Did for me was give me a hug and say nothing. It was blessed silence...

So red...

 

[JenKum]

Can I join this thread?

I had a MMC last August (I found out at my 12.5 week appointment). I had spent the summer dealing with nausea, fatigue ... the works. Just when things were improving, I was told that things had gone bad at 11.5 weeks. I didn't believe my OBGYN at first - and insisted on having another ultrasound a week later. But, ultimately, I had to have a D&C.

Now it is June again. (I had first got my BFP on June 16, 2012). The ripping, tearing pain had lessened - or maybe even gone away. I always miss him (it was a boy - and he was normal chromosomally), but I was okay. Now that we are back in June, I am having a hard time. I got a BFN at 10 dpo yesterday. I know that is early to test, but still ... Now I am feeling it all again ... not to the same level ... but I am feeling so bad again. I'd had a chemical pregnancy in February, 2013 as well - but that was nothing like the first one - where I carried the baby through the summer and had bonded with him so deeply that I would have died for him.

I am not sure why I am on this forum. Actually, I have never joined a forum before. I am just feeling a bit desperate right now. I could really use this, I think.

 

[Starry Night]

Welcome, JenKum. I'm sorry you find yourself here because of your loss but I hope you find support. This has been a great place to vent and find others who understand what it is like to be on this journey. I'm so sorry for your losses.

afm - now starting to feel dumb that I could ever think I was pregnant. I'll still test early next week just because I really want to but not really feeling it. Wishful thinking and post m/c hormones strike again.

 

[Left wonderin]

Jen welcome I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your little one . Anniversaries are so hard and re awaken all kinds of feelings in us . you have found a wonderful forum with wonderful women and buckets of support xxxxxxxx

 

[Carybear]

Welcome Jen! I'm sorry or your loss... This is a fantastic thread...

Hi everyone!

AFM I had spotting and huge clump of ewcm on Sunday. Then lower back pain on Tuesday and Wednesday and finally tapered off yesterday. If I didn't know better, I would have said I was getting AF. We only got BD in on Sunday so... If I ovulated on Sunday or Monday, were good ... If not, I'm thinking I'm out... But then again.... I'm not ttc right? Lol!

 

[Left wonderin]

Sounds like could have been Sunday or Monday so your right on the money .... Not that your trying lol.....