On the road again... a place for women getting into the TTC groove again.

[Left wonderin]

Starry test when you need to . What brand did you use initially ? I wouldn't worry too much about the cold medicine and rides . Some of the women in my job lead the most unhealthy lifestyles drugs and alcohol , not eating .... And perfect babies all the time ! It's so annoying and frustrating !!

 

[Starry Night]

I initially used FRERs but this afternoon used a Clear Blue (the non-digi kind) as our local pharmacy doesn't sell FRERs. I tried to hold my pee for 4 hours like you're supposed to but couldn't even make it 3 hours. See the teensiest, faintest sort of line but might as well be bfn. Haven't had any stretching cramps since yesterday. Still have very big boobs and pregnant-style cm so may test again Friday. DH won't like that I'm spending a small fortune on hpts (no .88 cent cheapies in Canada's Walmarts. ) but I want to keep testing until I start to bleed.

Feeling rather miserable and grumpy today.

 

[Carybear]

Feel grumpy all you want Starry.... We are here

 

[Starry Night]

I'm so tired of hurting. I'm tired of getting mad at God. This afternoon I had a sort of epiphany. The only way for the hurting to stop is to give up the dream. I just feel I can't do this anymore. There is more to life than being happy but who says I can't be happy if I'm happy with what I got? I'm so super-duper lucky to have my son and before we began TTC#2 I said I'd be happy if he was all I got. Losses change things a bit but I wanted to go back to that contentedness. So I just cried and prayed and let my rainbow go.

I'm not going to actively prevent as I vowed I'd never go back on the pill (I hate how it makes me feel) and I really don't like the feel of condoms. I'm not against the idea of getting pregnant again but right now I just need to let go. I'm going for testing soon so I'll see what my options are then.

I'm still going to be hanging around of course but I think I'll be NTNP in the truest sense of the word (ie. not secretly keeping track of cycles and symptoms). Right now I'll only keep track of cycle lengths for purpose of testing.

 

[Carybear]

Sounds like a plan...

 

[Starry Night]

I feel a lot better now. I still have a bit of that sadness inside of me but I feel like this crazy, desperate weight has been lifted.

And as I said, I'll still be around. You can't keep me away.

Left - how are you doing? I really hope the spotting has stopped now.

 

[Starry Night]

A little update: got another line on my clear blue today. Oi. So confused. LOL I'm going into town tomorrow and will pick up more FRERs. Good think my government cheque came in. Going to blow it all on pregnancy tests. ha ha

 

[JenKum]

Starry - can you go to your doctor or to a walk-in clinic and request a beta HCG? Or maybe two beta HCG requisitions so that you can see whether your HCG numbers are where they should be and increasing? You said that you are in Canada, right?

I hope that everything works out for you. I am so sorry that you have to go through this uncertainty.

 

[Starry Night]

I probably should go in for a beta but I did get my betas tracked after my d&c and the results never came in! I'm in a rural area so it seems we only get the fresh-from-med-school doctors and/or those who don't speak English very well. I've been finding communication between me and my doctor...well...difficult. I don't want to go unless I'm a bit more sure. Besides, I'm sure he'll just blow me off and say it's "old stuff". I'll call next week if I'm still getting lines or if they ever show darker.

 

[Left wonderin]

Starry I can almost feel that weight lifted from you xxx sometimes offering it all up is all we can do. And ya better not go anywhere I've gotten used to having you around lol..... Well I have had no spotting now for 48 hours , it only happened the once when wiping and was only tiny . I am almost afraid to mention it as I don't want to jinks it !! I was so sure it was all over for me I too am chatting to the man upstairs asking him to give me the strength to deal with whatever may come . I am trying to accept the fact that what will be will be and no amount of worrying , bargaining and hoping will change the outcome of this BFP .

I seriously don't think I've ever been this anxious in my entire life . Ever .

 

[Starry Night]

I feel ya, Left. Honestly, the toughest trial I had ever been through was my son's pregnancy. People who really know me find that hard to believe as my miscarriages have hit me SO hard. But rainbow pregnancies last 9 months and that is a long time to worry. I was 6 months before I finally just gave over everything to God. It made things so much better even though I had a little scare during the delivery.

Letting go is such a process and comes in starts and stops. I am having some backtracking moments and feeling really grumpy again but it's not to the same degree. I'm supposed to go to some church thing tonight but I.DO.NOT.WANT. TO.GO. Ugh. I would bail without guilt except it's being followed by a meeting and I'm technically the secretary. And I bumped into the president today because she works the reception at our local walk-in clinic (DS had a rash and needed to get checked out...he's OK). I can't claim to be sick.

 

[RedWylder]

Left- I can completely relate to what you're feeling and I don't have any words of wisdom. All six of the weeks before my U/S that confirmed no living baby were miserable and full of worry. There's just no way that you can't worry after having a miscarriage but you'll find your way through it one way or another. Good luck. Just remember what you already know-nothing will change one way or another and that if you only have a few weeks with your little one then you want those to be happy weeks.

Starry...I'm stalking you and hoping for the best. Your miracle happened once and it can happen again.

 

[Carybear]

I just got back from visiting my grandpa. He's been moved to hospice and they say he doesn't have long...

I've always thought of myself as a strong person, but I don't know about where he is with God. I spoke into his ear and prayed with him, but he is not really responsive.

Today I gave my mom a long hug and she just felt so frail... Her hands feel like just bone. She is so uncomfortable going out. She is always covering up her chest. She is in a lot of pain. And so very weak.

I'm sitting here crying... Wondering where God is... Even though in my heart I know He is right here.

I keep telling myself.... Pull it together... Pull it together.... But I'm tired..

I know the blessings I have far outweigh the trials..

I feel like AF is on her way and while it doesn't devastate me, it would be way early. I guess I just add that into the mix?

 

[Starry Night]

Cary - you really do have so much on your plate right now. Sometimes the best support we can give one another is to sit together and just cry with each other.

I went to my meeting and felt miserable the whole time. I have never been gung-ho about the group but I'm expected to attend because my husband is the pastor so it's hard being there when I'm already grumpy. I need to have a good cry to let everything out as poor DH is bearing the full brunt of my nastiness. He really is a saint to put up with me.

 

[Left wonderin]

Thanks Red and Starry xxxxx sounds like you both know exactly how I am feeling . You both make a lots of sense thank you , I need to be grounded every now and again as I feel at times I'm on the verge of a panic attack !!!! Red your so right this should be a happy time for as Long as it lasts and no amount of worrying will change what is to be xxxx

Starry I'm with you trying to give it over to the man upstairs xxxx
Cary I'm sorry to hear that you have so much going on right now in your life , that a lot to deal with xxxxxx hope you have a shoulder to lean on xxxxx and a person to cuddle xxx

 

[Carybear]

Left how are you feeling?

Red how are things with you?

Starry, any news?

I tested again yesterday and BFN... My husband texted me from work yesterday... And said WE ARE GOING TO hAVE A BABY! I texted back and asked why he said that... He just said because I know... Every symptom I was feeling has pretty much disappeared... AF is due between next Friday and next Sunday... Guess we will see...

My grandpa is still doing poorly. My dad did not have his surgery because the spot in his back was too narrow and they were afraid it would paralyze him. My mom was very emotional last night but I think that is because she spent the afternoon looking up chemo.

A Mexican pastor (friends of our pastors) was murdered in his home in Mexico. My pastor left to be with his wife and kids. Please pray for them. The pastor was only 38. His kids are very little.

 

[Carybear]

My dad called this morning. My grandpa passed away at 2 am.

 

[Starry Night]

Oh, Cary....I am so sorry.

 

[rayraykay]

I'm so so so sorry Cary

 

[Left wonderin]

Carry im so sorry to hear about your grandad xxxxxxxxxxxxx