On the road again... a place for women getting into the TTC groove again.

[Carybear]

Thanks everyone... I went to see him Thursday night.. I'm so glad I did. I had originally planned to go today, but it would have been too late.

I got to kiss his head and hold his hand and tell him that I loved him. As I was leaving, he opens one eye. I said, "you going to smile for me? Do you have any jokes?" He was always joking around and saying something crazy. He tried to smile, then fell back asleep.

It's the hardest on my dad. My granpa was pretty harsh. He didnt tell my dad he loved him until about 8 years ago. My dad cried because he told him that he loved him and was proud of him. They were words that my dad waited 58 years to hear. Since then they have been super close...

DH has been wonderful. Just held me and cried with me this morning. Then took me out to breakfast and shopping... God is good.. Always... Even through the hurt, pain, loss.... He is there and He is faithful.

 

[RedWylder]

I'm really sorry Cary. My Grand dad is on his last leg as well. I got to see him on my trip home and I held his hand and rubbed his head. I think that will be the last memory I have of him and its funny how much that sticks with you. I'm glad you had one last sweet moment with him. Thinking of you in your time of grief.

 

[Starry Night]

I'm glad your granddad made things right with your dad. I hope your dad holds on to the good memories at the end.

AFM - I am not doing well at all this week. I am really quite depressed to the point of barely functioning and I'm crying in front of DS even though I promised myself I wouldn't. I don't want to take anything for it because, with my history, I don't want to risk anything even though I know there are drugs that are supposedly safe during pregnancy and TTC. Also, I think I'm experiencing the 'baby blues'. I got it after my first loss around the time my hcg returned to zero. It really is like coming down off of a drug and my emotions are all over the place. I don't think I'll actually hurt myself but sometimes I get scared when DH leaves me alone.

I'm a mess. The other day, I was trying to snap some bones on a ham roast to get at the remaining meat and I accidentally pulled the bone out of the socket...I didn't realize it was a hip joint. It was really gross and I had a mental breakdown. I cried for days over it. I'm not a vegetarian but I've almost been put off meat by it. I still shudder over the memory. I think it bothers me because I'm already mentally so weak.

I know this is a phase and it will pass...it always has...but this is hard. I almost want AF to come quickly so I can clean out my system. I took a FRER this morning and the line was so faint it might as well have been bfn so I'm sure that I was simply experiencing leftover hormones. Very disappointed after I got so excited. Right now feeling like my rainbow will never come.

 

[RedWylder]

Starry. Keep talking to us and let it all out. Whatever you're feeling is ok and I just want ou to be safe. I honestly think from my medical perspective that you should talk to a professional which there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing. You're in a very shitty circumstance and that's what they are there for. If your not ready, keep talking to us, hang out with a friend, do something that you love. You'll get through this. If you start to feel like you might hurt yourself call 911 or go to the doc ASAP. I go on calls like this often enough and it's no big deal. I'm happy to help transport someone in need. Hang in there.

 

[Left wonderin]

Starry sounds like your really having a rough time of it at the moment , and your right hormones are just awful and can make us think and feel like its the end of the world !!! The smallest thing becomes the biggest Red is right keeping talking , all the emotion is so much better in than out , maybe it would be a good idea to go talk to your doctor about how you are feeling ? You have been through so much xxx

 

[Starry Night]

I wouldn't mind counselling. I'm curious to see what a professional thinks is behind a lot of my mental issues. I know I need to exercise more. I was walking with a friend yesterday and we were at her farm so we got to cross some fields and go through the bush and I just loved it. Saw a couple deer and got to meet her cows. In my old hometown I would go hiking whenever I was down or stressed and there is nothing like that available here. My friend also suggested getting into a hobby so I am thinking of doing another scrapbook. I usually don't do those as it is an expensive hobby and take a lot of time but I really think it will help.

I was feeling really good last night because of all that so was surprised I nearly started crying in church today. This definitely feels like a shift in hormones. I got it after all of my pregnancies including my son's. The pressure of the sadness is easing with each day so hopefully it means things are regulating.

My next major hurdle is dealing with my in-laws. They are coming for a visit in just over a week. The last time they were here I had just found out I was pregnant and then when they left, I had said, "next time you see me I'll be big and pregnant" and then they said "we'll see". I still haven't forgiven them for that and now I keep thinking how I should be 4 1/2 months pregnant and fairly big by now as I showed early with my son. That "we'll see" keeps playing over and over in my head. They're not mean people but I find them so stressful and DH just hides behind his computer the whole time leaving me to deal with them. I wanted to kill them when I had pregnancy hormones raging inside. Don't know how I'll be with post m/c hormones.

 

[rayraykay]

I had a really tough time in high school and have had the same counselor on and off since I was 15, for 10 years now. She was extremely helpful in the fall when I was going thru my miscarriage. I don't think I could have gotten thru it without her. She was incredible. It just felt so nice to open up to someone who wasn't my husband or my mom... she just gave me a great support. I would highly recommend it if you can find a person you like talking to.

I am so sorry to hear that your in-laws are sooo insensitive to what you've been going thru. To say something like that, is unthinkable. I would maybe have a chat with your DH about everything, and ask him if he can be more present while your in-laws are there considering everything that's going on right now. After all, yes, you married him and they are now your in-laws but they are HIS biological parents and he should be the primary one to deal with them when they are here. You are both playing host/hostess, but this time around they should be his primarily to take care of. Maybe I am coming way from left field, but I just think he would be doing you a great favor, and you deserve it. I am so sorry they are stressful, I know how you feel. My mother in law can be an absolute nightmare at times.

 

[Starry Night]

Thanks. I said those exact things to my dh already. lol He says ignoring his parents is how he deals with them but we can't both ignore them. So this time it's my turn to ignore them. And he's known them his whole life so he better knows how to deal with their comments. And I'm the one more likely to have some form of overreaction. LIke I said, they're not mean and definitely were not trying to hurt me by their statement. But they are definitely pessimists. That's why we're not telling them the next time we're pregnant. Only positive thinking allowed especially as it will be so hard for me to be positive next time. I'll need all the help I can get.

I'm feeling mostly better today. I think having my big emotional blow up the past few days has really served as an outlet. Yesterday, I realized I hadn't really mourned this last baby. As I was miscarrying it was my other angel's due date so I was crying for that baby. Then I found out my SiL was expecting so I was upset about that and the unfairness of my situation. Now I'm finally missing and mourning this specific last angel. Now that the real grieving has started I know I can get it out of my system.

 

[JenKum]

I am so sorry Starry. So so sorry. No one should have to go through this. I hope that you get your rainbow baby really soon. I have heard that it makes the pain go away.

I had a brutal weekend. It's been one year now since we conceived our baby (that made it 11.5 weeks) and now everything (the sun, birthdays ...) reminds me of what I was doing last year, how I was feeling so different than I am now ... it was so exciting and I was so sick... I miss my baby. My DH is trying so hard to be supportive, but it's so "put on". He totally doesn't understand and I think he thinks that I should have recovered from this by now. I was getting better - but now I'm sort of going through it again. I don't know how I will survive August - the anniversary of the day that I found out that there was no heartbeat, the day of the D&C... I'm starting to feel desperate. I've started getting upset at my DH more.

I can't even imagine what you are going through Starry ... and all the rest of you. And I don't think it's fair.

When I tell my DH it isn't fair he says that it isn't ... but we're very lucky in a lot of ways. That is true. But the ache of having a MC is not something he gets (even though it was his baby too).

 

[Starry Night]

"Getting over" (if one really can) a miscarriage is definitely an up and down process. I cried over my first angel for two years. I wasn't down in the dumps all the time (I had DS in that time period) but it was just so hard to forget the pain. Grief never really leaves you. All you can do is learn to accept it as a part of your life. A part of you will always miss your baby and that is OK.

I think my AF is starting soon. I woke up this morning and my first thought was "I feel like a totally different person". It's as if I awoke from some sort of fever dream. I'm having some terrible back cramps and even had pink spotting today. I'm still sad but the sun seems brighter and the sky seems bluer. I hope this period clears up all the messed up hormones.

 

[Left wonderin]

Jen I'm sorry your having such a hard time of it right now anniversary s re awaken all the feelings and bring us right back to the time and day xxxxx its all part of grieving . Don't be hard on yourself and just mind yourself during the time xxxxxxxxx

Starry I'm so glad you are feeling a little better bloody HORMONES !!!!!!!!! Xxxxxxx

 

[Starry Night]

AF is now here in all her glory. Ugh. But then I know that once it is done it will be a whole new world. I hope my rainbow is around the corner.

 

[Carybear]

Awwww Starry.. I'm so sorry... I pray that this AF clears out all the hormones and you find yourself feeling better.

Left how are ya feeling?

I've been testing, all bfn... AF is due Friday..

 

[Left wonderin]

Starry here is to the whole new world , it seems like its been a long time coming for you xxxxx

Cary still 3 days to go xxxxxxxxx How are you doing with everything going on in your life ???

 

[Left wonderin]

AFM I'm keeping a low profile these days , still taking it one hour at a time ( or should I say trip to the toilet at a time ) !!! Today I'm doing ok xxxx

 

[Starry Night]

It's been 34 days since my d&c so that is actually a pretty quick turnaround for AF. Last time it took 8 weeks! Of course, I knew I was going to miscarry for 3 weeks before my d&c. But I do feel like my body is back on track. I ovulated and AF is behaving normally (so far) and is actually just a little bit lighter than usual though not by much. I was so worried I'd get the bleed-out periods I got after my last m/c and the birth of my son.

With my longer cycles I only have one shot before I see my OB about getting the referral to the fertility clinic. In fact, based on my 40 day cycles, I will be either getting AF or bfp just a few days before my appointment. If AF arrives I'll base my decision on whether to WTT or to continue NTNP on how long it will take after that to be seen by the clinic.

I do really believe my next baby will be my rainbow. Both DH and I just "feel" it.

Left - glad to hear that each day is going well so far. With my son's pregnancy I lived day to day and celebrated every week I completed. Looking ahead was too stressful. Enjoying the moment really is the best way to handle things. I hope things continue to go well for you and your baby.

Cary - I really hope your turn comes soon.

Jen - I hope you are doing OK. Anniversaries and milestones are so hard but you will get through them.

 

[Carybear]

Yeah Left!!! We're celebrating another day with you! Each day down is one more day closer to holding your rainbow in your arms!

Starry... You just never know... This next time could be it. Regardless, I feel sure that your son will have a baby sister or brother! I'm so glad that AF is normal... And tht you are feeling better.

AFM... My grandpas viewing is tomorrow night and funeral is Thursday morning. My mom is trying to make decisions about chemo and such... I'm just trying to be there and be supportive. DH and I have always been close, but we are definitely getting closer. (Though he knows exactly how to push me to the edge

I have no symptoms whatsoever except for a zit on my chin which is a pretty normal AF symptom... I still get occasional twinges in my stomach.

I made an appointment with a new OBGYN who came highly recommended. She is actually a reproductive endocrinologist while I am going for an annual, I will also go armed with all my questions.

I've started exercising... I just really need to get rid of my stress.. And drop about 60 lbs ... So here is to day two of my new excercise regime

 

[Left wonderin]

Hi ladies , Starry that sounds like a plan and I'm so glad AF came quickly this time you have done enough waiting !!!
Cary I too could do with loosing a bit lol and getting a bit more active !!!
My current goal is to get to the 12th of July and my first u/s , that's as far ahead as I'm looking right now xxxxxxxxxx I feel a little guilty I'm not allowing myself bond with this beanie I'm just trying not to think about it

 

[Starry Night]

Left - don't feel guilty. I didn't bond with my son's pregnancy until I found out the gender at 18 weeks. It is our way of protecting ourselves.

Cary - I hope your new OB will be able to help you with getting your rainbow. Will be thinking of you today and over the next few days.

 

[Left wonderin]

Hey Starry I guess that kind of makes sense to me , my OH got mad with me yesterday as he made some comment like " they referring to baby will be just like me " I replied with now now none of that don't count your chickens and cut him off straight away , it was an impulsive reaction was out of my mouth before I knew it . He got upset and said " is this not supposed to be a happy time , I won't open my mouth so ! I think he thinks its a done deal n my head that we will not get to keep this baby but its the only way I can get through each day ....... Not getting hopeful its awful but its how it is