Hi everyone, I am reading your comments just haven't found the energy to reply. Rob seems to think that my problems with my mother are hampering my grieving for Archie. He told me to write everything down thats been said in the last week in the hope it might help. Thought maybe it would help if I shared it with some of the most supportive people in my life (that's you lot by the way!!!). I don't really expect you to read it all as its very long and as I've written it from my heart with a lot of anger I'm sure its grammatically rubbish.
Thursday 27th January 2011.
Phoned my mum as soon as I left midwife to say they couldnt find a heartbeat or any placental sounds, I explained it wasnt looking good, although the midwife did say as I have a uterus which lays backwards rather than forwards that might not be helping. She did say though that she didnt want me to have any false hope. Things werent looking good. When I told my mum she said Well I hope you wont be stupid enough to put yourself through this again. She then started crying and said Im not crying for the baby I never wanted you to have it. Im crying for you and what you keep putting yourself through.
I phoned her again that night when the hospital confirmed that our baby had died. Again her first words were I hope youre not gonna put yourself through this again. I asked her what she was doing the following day, she said Ive told you Im going to Janets (my half sister, her step-daughter), why? I explained that I wasnt sure what I was going to do with the boys. She said Well I cant cancel, theyll have bought food in for me coming.
Friday 28th January, 2011
Mum phoned before she went. By this time Id spoken to a friend who works on labour ward and shed explained what would happen. I explained that Id have to deliver the baby as it was now too big to have surgery. I explained that it would be about 5 inches long, she said Well thats not big. Plus I got the usual youre stupid if you do this again, and youre too old. Not really appropriate when all I care about is my poor baby. I also told her that I could still feel him moving (I felt him moving right up to the day I had him, I was told this was normal as he was floating around in water) she never said anything, it was so painful, he was moving that usually means your baby is ok, but I knew mine wasnt. The midwife even heard him moving on the Doppler on the Thursday when hed already gone, she did warn me this could happen, I felt him at the same time as she heard him.
Sunday 30th January, 2011
My mum had phoned from my half sister at 1pm(ish), I dont know how on earth she thought Id be home as Id told her I was going to have to be induced. When we did get home (about 7pm) I sent a text message to my step-sisters home phone saying we were at home.
Mum phones back. She wanted to know if the tablet on Friday had worked, I explained that it wasnt meant to get me into labour but was meant to stop my body producing progesterone. I then go on to say what happened (relatively quick labour, troublesome and stuck placenta that meant I nearly ended up in theatre etc.) At some point during this I must have referred to Archie as he, she said Oh it was another lad then. I explained that it certainly looked that way but at 16/17 weeks nobody could tell for certain. I was then a bit upset and said Oh mum, hes beautiful and she replied Well you said itd look like an alien. What Id actually said on the Friday when trying to get over to her how much this baby meant to us all was that George wanted us to take photos of the baby but I wasnt sure as they can sometimes be a little alien looking at this stage (I think it was my way of protecting myself as I was scarred that Id be frightened by how he looked). Whatever Id said before surely when I say that my poor baby that Ive just given birth to is beautiful you dont say you said itd look like an alien. He didnt look like an alien he was truly beautiful, he had everything ears, nose, mouth, hands, fingers, toes even gorgeous knobbly knees. I did tell her this before I even said he was beautiful and before she said You said itd look like an alien.
She then went on to ask if Robs parents had managed to get a flight back from Spain, I said no and she replied Well theres nothing they could have done. I pointed out that they were trying to get back to look after the boys as there was no one to look after them. I said luckily Val and Walt (our neighbours) had stepped in. I explained that the hospital had said it could take up to two days for the induction to work and that Val had said not to worry theyd look after the boys as long as was needed. My mum said That was kind of them. By this point I was hurt and angry and replied Yes it was, Im going now bye.
Tuesday 1st February, 2011
Terrible day, went shopping with Rob (which was nice) we were looking for a photo frame for Archies picture but couldnt find one. My breasts were getting increasingly sore. When I got home I realised I was producing milk, it absolutely devastated me. I loved feeding my boys, and its the one thing that when we decided after George not to have anymore children I truly grieved for. I couldnt believe I would never feed another child. So here I was crying my eyes out knowing that this milk should be for Archie, a baby Id never be able to feed. I was also feeling hurt by my mums comments, my baby had died and my own mother couldnt support me or even try to say the right thing.
Just stopped crying when the phone rings and its my mother. -:
Mum Hiya, Im home in the most cheerful voice youve ever heard!
Me Oh ok Rob says I said it quietly, but not with any tone, just sounded sad.
Mum Whats wrong with you?
Me Well you didnt expect me to be cheerful did you?
Mum Well if youre going to be like that, Im going I can tell shes going to put the phone down.
Me I dont believe you
Mum (in quite an angry tone) And I dont believe you
Me Do you know that even after everything Ive been through these past few days it you thats hurt me the most
Mum Im going, if youre going to be like that dont bother phoning me
And then she slammed the phone down.
All of the comments she made from the Thursday to the Tuesday were said with attitude and without any compassion at all.
This is her grandson, she doesnt even know his name is Archie. My beautiful sons grandma cant even acknowledge him, it hurts so much. Plus doesnt everyone when theyre hurt and in pain want their mum. Thank God I have the most amazing, wonderful and loving husband, my lovely boys and my fantastic friends.
If you've managed to read this far
Hopefully offloading this might give me the release I need to move on.
there must be something driving her to behave like that. No matter how inappropriate or insensitive it is, she must be hurting. That is not an excuse though and I am sorry she isn't supporting you. I am so glad you do have a lovely husband and family otherwise.
my mum, niece and sister are the same - even went so far as to tell me they didn't care when I overdosed. Much like your great-niece really, so very sad 
the same day so silver linings and all that.
They were worried about my liver then too. I have no idea how we get to that point and thinking about it now makes me cringe.
x
