step parents support thread

[pinkflamingo]

She sounds like she has lots of issues so I think you should just forget about her for the time being. If she is only 2 then I wouldn't worry too much about explaining things like I said before, she is of course too young. If you don't see her very often (am assuming that if you're not seeing her again until august) then perhaps she is just not very sure of who you are and not old enough to understand the entire situation. From her age and your ticker dates, did you and OH get together whilst he was with his ex? Is this why she is this way?
I do have to add though that if I had a 2 year old I would hate to leave them, even for them to go and stay with their dad! I have already told dh that if we have kids then split up, he is never having them at christmas or birthdays and prob not for whole weekends!!!!!!! At least I have forewarned him so he can't say I am being a bitchface if it ever happens, cos he knew the score!!

 

[daniellelk]

--

 

[tallybee]

Tally is AF 7 days late? Fingers crossed for you hun! Keep us posted of any developments!!
Xx

Yeah 7 days late so far hon, still this morning but got 2 2 packs of tests on offer so will be using them all up before long I'm sure!

daniellelk, I agree with pinkflamingo about just ignoring the ex. If she wants to be a silly bugger there's bog all you can do about it, I've given up on any civility coming from OH's ex, she won't even meet me (but is quite ok with me being around the boys, driving them around, etc etc.... stupid moo. I would be wanting to meet anyone my kids were to be around in that kind of situation...)

She has however given me grief on the phone, via her son's facebook (low eh) and by attempting to manipulate OH into manipulating me if that makes sense. He used to be stupid enough to do it. Not any more! I actually just pity the moronic futile bitterness that will eat her up... some people are beyond any form of civility.

The best we can do is be as welcoming as possible for the child(ren) as they are the real innocents in all the bullshit

 

[xpensivtaste]

hi there. i am a step parent to my 5 year old SD and my partner is step dad to my 9 year old daughter and we have one on the way. i hadnt heard anything about this thread until now but i posted in another thread about some issues me and OH have been having regarding OH's ex, we are thinking of seeking legal advice as OH and i would like to take SD on holiday with us and her mother is playing games with us.
if anyone has any advice or has been in the same situation the link is https://www.babyandbump.com/home-life-relationships/650935-should-we-seek-legal-advice-regarding-step-daughter.html any replies are appreciated. i am going to have a read through this thread now as i am sure there are lots and lots of proud step parents dealing with a difficult ex and vice versa

 

[pinkflamingo]

hi there. i am a step parent to my 5 year old SD and my partner is step dad to my 9 year old daughter and we have one on the way. i hadnt heard anything about this thread until now but i posted in another thread about some issues me and OH have been having regarding OH's ex, we are thinking of seeking legal advice as OH and i would like to take SD on holiday with us and her mother is playing games with us.
if anyone has any advice or has been in the same situation the link is https://www.babyandbump.com/home-life-relationships/650935-should-we-seek-legal-advice-regarding-step-daughter.html any replies are appreciated. i am going to have a read through this thread now as i am sure there are lots and lots of proud step parents dealing with a difficult ex and vice versa

I replied to your thread hun. Hope I have helped a little.

Good luck and keep us updated with what happens xxx

 

[tallybee]

Yeah I think pinkflamingo has hit the nail right on the head there

Do let us know how things go hon xx

 

[pinkflamingo]

Thanks tally! I am just so glad that we don't have to deal with all those legal issues anymore. The only thing that is looming on the horizon and is likely to be the next issue is when the csa changes and encourages parents to reach private agreements! This is why dh went to the csa in the first place as she was demanding more than she was entitled to. I know there will be a private service offered but there will be a fee for it. Oh well suppose its the next thing to look forward too! It has been quiet for quite some time so I suppose we are due a 'kick off' sometime soon!!!

Xx

 

[tallybee]

Thanks tally! I am just so glad that we don't have to deal with all those legal issues anymore. The only thing that is looming on the horizon and is likely to be the next issue is when the csa changes and encourages parents to reach private agreements! This is why dh went to the csa in the first place as she was demanding more than she was entitled to. I know there will be a private service offered but there will be a fee for it. Oh well suppose its the next thing to look forward too! It has been quiet for quite some time so I suppose we are due a 'kick off' sometime soon!!!

Xx

Yep the csa changes are gonna make a massive mess for a lot of people. But as far as I understand it, both parties have to pay - so that might discourage her from dicking about with it b/c she would actually end up less for ur dh paying more. And, the new system is supposedly going to allow for ppl in your dh's situation to pay direct (avoiding the fees etc) even if the ex doesn't want to. And this would mean he would be a) providing for the kids and b) covering his back against any bullcrap; sticking with the level of maintenance the CSA has stipulated anyway would seem reasonable

Fortunately for us (for now) my OH and ex have a separation agreement which stipulates maintenance, it's done privately, by DD from his account to hers, so no CSA and it's traceable; she can't pretend not to have received it or anything.

I know what u mean about seeming 'due' for a kickoff. It's so shit isn't it that we always have to have that at the back of our minds - just when things seem to be working out, there is this poisonous entity in the background just waiting to shit on us again. I really do think that what we go through goes a long way to proving how strong we are as people and as family units; if that love and strength were not there we'd have given up long ago. Just like the exes wish for.

Anyway I hope things stay relatively quiet for u guys xxxx

 

[xpensivtaste]

i replied to my thread in home life and relationships to pinkflamingo. thankyou, you really know what you are talking about. i have read through all of this thread now and i feel sorry for so many people in the same situ as us with a bitter ex. its nice to see that things have calmed down for some of you and we are hoping the same will happen for us but OH needs to learn that the ex doesnt control us. we control ourselves! a matter of grabbing his balls and standing up to her instead of keeping her sweet to keep the peace. she has had it too easy for too long and thinks she owns OH. my 5 year old SD needs her daddy in her life and we need her. why her mum cant see that, i dont know. its all about getting control and making us feel like we have n parental rights. i have come so close to having words with her personally but i know the answers i would get "its got nothing to do with you" and then she could even try and cause more problems but being a woman i know how to handle her attitude whereas OH doesnt i just dont want to make it anymore difficult for him than it already is. well tomorrow face to face we are going to suggest a mediation. all 4 of us, meaning her and her fiance and my fiance and i. we are all adults. supposedly! she will probably decline but hey. you can only try huh?
good luck with the psycho ex's everyone. they are bloody hard work.

 

[tallybee]

i replied to my thread in home life and relationships to pinkflamingo. thankyou, you really know what you are talking about. i have read through all of this thread now and i feel sorry for so many people in the same situ as us with a bitter ex. its nice to see that things have calmed down for some of you and we are hoping the same will happen for us but OH needs to learn that the ex doesnt control us. we control ourselves! a matter of grabbing his balls and standing up to her instead of keeping her sweet to keep the peace. she has had it too easy for too long and thinks she owns OH. my 5 year old SD needs her daddy in her life and we need her. why her mum cant see that, i dont know. its all about getting control and making us feel like we have n parental rights. i have come so close to having words with her personally but i know the answers i would get "its got nothing to do with you" and then she could even try and cause more problems but being a woman i know how to handle her attitude whereas OH doesnt i just dont want to make it anymore difficult for him than it already is. well tomorrow face to face we are going to suggest a mediation. all 4 of us, meaning her and her fiance and my fiance and i. we are all adults. supposedly! she will probably decline but hey. you can only try huh?
good luck with the psycho ex's everyone. they are bloody hard work.

Those bits ring so true for me. I have had an uphill struggle knocking my head against a brick wall for the last 2.5 years, and it's just getting to the stage now where he is realising that giving her an inch will result in being taken 10 miles, niceness gets shat on and that he no longer has to remain under her thumb. How I have managed to get through it I have no idea, his years-long insistence that he knew how to go about things just got us years deeper in the do-do which has to be gotten out of again.

Thank fook he is starting to see sense... but I still catch him saying things that are just ludicrous from my point of view. Such as starting a sentence with 'yea but you'd have thought she would want S to get a happy birthday call from me'... I gave him 'the look' lol: there IS actually a 'look' I give him when he does something stupid like expect anything decent or reasonable from her) and he stopped himself. Oh yeah - that's the latest crap - OH hasn't been able to get in touch to wish a happy birthday to S today. Bitchface won't ever answer the phone to him (call ID) and J's phone's been going straight to answer phone. What the mobile phone she bought S recently is FOR is beyond me, he didn't have it with him when the boys stayed last weekend, and we don't have the number.

Ho hum......

xx

 

[pinkflamingo]

Oh tally that's awful! Again its just a control thing isn't it? She doesn't answer the calls and then no doubt she will moan about the fact that your oh didn't even speak to his son on his birthday. I would at least send a text to the boys' mobiles explaining that you have tried toicall to speak to S but that you couldn't get an answer. That way he will know his dad tried even if bitchface tries to tell him any different and that his dad doesn't care etc etc. We have been there with all that!! Why a woman would even tell their child that their dad didn't care (even if it were true) I will never understand. Why would you want them to feel unloved and neglected? Messed up women, but sadly a chance of these kids becoming messed up adults in the future too.

X

 

[dizzybella]

wow! i new i wasnt the only one that had a DH ex-from-hell but soooo many similarities its scary - are they all reading the same 'guide to bein a bitch'?!?? Over the last 7 years we've had breached court agreements which cost us a fortune to get only to be told that there was no penalty for her breaching them so were basically a waste of money while she got legal aid. Then she constantly told the child that daddy didnt care. then we discovered credit card fraud so we reported her to the police- explained there was a child at the address so not to go plundering in- they did anyway so she told the child daddy sent the police to take mummy away and blocked access again. then my dh and i had our first child who was born wit a disability and the ice melted...or so we thot. She demands extra money on top of csa and wen we wont give her it she blocks access. The latest thing is using facebook to say that the child has told her that daddy is gonna spend all his money on our new baby when shes born so not gonna give the ex enough (in reality her csa will increase due to tax creds being taken into acc) and lo and behold we've lost access again the last 3 visits...

Rant over- that was quite good therapy actually! hey if ya didnt laugh ud cry and ive cried too much over a skank like that

 

[pinkflamingo]

Hi dizzybella!
Wow it sounds like you have had a tough time. How old is your stepchild? As shitty as things have been for us I am so glad that ss is now 13 and that we don't have many more years of this ahead of us. It must be so difficult to have a really young stepchild as you can't explain what is going on to them and they don't understand. Over the past year we have been very open with ss about things that are going on. When dh applied to the courts for PR, he spoke to ss about it and asked what his mum had told him about it. Ss said she told him that dh wanted to stop her taking him abroad on holiday and was probably going to take him away from her and that is why she was saying he couldn't have PR!! Dh of course explained that it was all rubbish, but again it makes you wonder why these twisted women want the kids to become twisted too!

Do you have formal access arrangements in place? Is there nothing you can do if she doesn't allow access? The csa payments are calculated on the amount of time that your stepchild spends with you, so how do you calculate it if she keeps changing her mind on access? Or does your oh just pay the full 15%. I've often thought that irregular access, as well as just being cruel to the other parent and child, must make other things like maintenance a bit more complicated.

Good luck hun. We are here to support you through all the rubbish!!!!

Xxx

 

[tallybee]

Welcome, dizzybella! :wave: Thanks for joining us and telling us a bit about your situation. You're right about it being therapeutic to have somewhere like this to let it all out, and yep it does seem like they are all handed out some standard issue 'how to be a bitchface and fuck up your childrens' lives' handbook :sad:

Pinkflamingo, yep you have it bang on again - she will bitch about him not getting in touch. He sent a text to J's phone anyway, asking him to pass the happy B-day msg on to S and asking him for S's mobile number (it's a new phone and we don't have the number!)

It really is beyond me how anyone could willfully do these things to their own children; I can only hazard that they are so messed in the head that they believe they should have the monopoly on the children, that loving their dad means less for her. Well, acting in a twisted and effed-up manner on a continuous basis is one sure fire way of making sure the children actually detest her when they do eventually grow up, wake up and realise what's been going on.

Oh and pinkflamingo, with the CSA thing - it seems to me that some bitchfaces are as basic and pathetic as preventing enough access that the payments stay at the maximum because overnight stays remain below 52 per year (is that what it is??)

xxx

 

[Mellybelle]

Hey Dizzybella,
Yep, they are all reading the same book arent they?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who's ex husband married someone hotter than she! ......now i'm just being nasty..(or honest)

Regarding CSA payments, they laws have changed recently in Australia so child suppport payments are 'fairer'. They take into account the earnings of both parents then work out who has to pay and how much. My husband has a 50/50 shared care arrangement with his ex bitchface. For the first few years he paid her child support, then CSA worked out that he didnt have to pay anymore. The next time it was assessed it worked out that she was to pay him. I wouldnt let him claim it at the time. We were both working full time and didnt need the money. We were entitled to it for three years and never claimed a cent. Last year he decided we needed the money (I no longer work full time) and it costs us a fortune to get them to school (54km round trip). She fought and fought and appealed to as high as she could and CSA decided she didnt need to pay. We accepted their decision. It will be reassessed again in a few months. A couple of months ago CSA contacted my husband to let him know they have found that he made an overpayment back when he was the paying parent, ($1000) and asked if he would like the money back. Of course we would! CSA have contacted her to retrieve the money and she has lodged an objection to that! Its OUR money!

Tally, that is just plain nasty about bitchface not answering the phone on S's birthday. Its just sick that she would get real pleasure out of telling people "he didnt even ring his son on his birthday!". What a super mega bitchface!

 

[pinkflamingo]

The 'manual' idea makes me laugh!! Maybe they get it in the post as soon as they have registered themselves as a single parent on a big database somewhere!! Fair play to them all they are certainly studying it really well and all of them seem to be bang on with following it!! I think we should compile our own manual on how to behave so that it cancels their behaviours out and harmony in the world is restored once more!!

You do have to keep a sense of humour whilst everything goes on. As you said before Tally it could easily put enough pressure on a relationship to break it to pieces. It would have been heaps easier for us ladies to have walked away at certain points in time, but the fact that we are all still here shows how strong and committed our relationships are. I think about what dh and I have been through over the past few years (it includes brain tumours and miscarriage for a start) and it just makes us even more determined that we belong together.

Well done to us step-parents!! We rock!!

Xxxx

 

[pinkflamingo]

Hey mellybelle! How are you? I suppose it makes sense the way the csa works for you. Its all about to change here in the uk soon so we shall see how that works out in the long run. I hope you get the money back. When dh and bitchface split she went to a solicitor and demanded 15% maintenance, which dh agreed to without thinking. When I pointed out that he was also paying her for the time that ss was with him he said he has never looked into anything and just signed the letter as she was refusing to move out til he did. He contacted the csa and they advised that he had been overpaying £100 a month! She argued that he should carry on paying the same based on her not increasing the amount in relation to the rate of inflation etc!!! She seemed to think that there was no link between his earnings and what he should pay, but it should be based on HER expenses!!!! I told dh that the csa would also be easier for when we have a baby as the payments will change again, and given the relationship we have with her it would be a huge mess if we had to contact her to explain that we were having a baby and she would get less money! I don't think her first words would have been 'congratulations'!!!

 

[Mellybelle]

I'll guarantee you it wont be 'congratulations'. Been there and done that! Didnt even get an "i'm sorry" when we lost our babies during pregnancy.

We are keeping this baby though. (No more angels, we've contributed enough). I just cant wait to see her reaction when she finds out we are pregnant. The kids will be ecstatic, they love their little brother and the idea of another baby really excites them. They dont know yet, not sure when we'll tel them

 

[pinkflamingo]

You'll have your baby in your arms before you know it hun!

Don't let anything she says ruin any of it for you hun. I hope she doesn't spoil anything for the kids either. Yeah we have all of that ahead of us (hopefully) and to be honest I don't really care what she says or thinks. She is bound to make an issue of it as she wanted more children with her ex a couple of years ago but he dumped her soon after she had said that. She is 11 years older than me (age doesn't teach you how to behave clearly!!) And so she doesn't have time on her side with the body clock ticking etc. I am sure that when we get pregnant it will get bitchy again. But then I suppose it makes sense as she will get to move on to a new chapter in the manual 'how to be a bitch when a new pregnancy has been announced'

 

[xpensivtaste]

i replied to my thread in home life and relationships to pinkflamingo. thankyou, you really know what you are talking about. i have read through all of this thread now and i feel sorry for so many people in the same situ as us with a bitter ex. its nice to see that things have calmed down for some of you and we are hoping the same will happen for us but OH needs to learn that the ex doesnt control us. we control ourselves! a matter of grabbing his balls and standing up to her instead of keeping her sweet to keep the peace. she has had it too easy for too long and thinks she owns OH. my 5 year old SD needs her daddy in her life and we need her. why her mum cant see that, i dont know. its all about getting control and making us feel like we have n parental rights. i have come so close to having words with her personally but i know the answers i would get "its got nothing to do with you" and then she could even try and cause more problems but being a woman i know how to handle her attitude whereas OH doesnt i just dont want to make it anymore difficult for him than it already is. well tomorrow face to face we are going to suggest a mediation. all 4 of us, meaning her and her fiance and my fiance and i. we are all adults. supposedly! she will probably decline but hey. you can only try huh?
good luck with the psycho ex's everyone. they are bloody hard work.

Those bits ring so true for me. I have had an uphill struggle knocking my head against a brick wall for the last 2.5 years, and it's just getting to the stage now where he is realising that giving her an inch will result in being taken 10 miles, niceness gets shat on and that he no longer has to remain under her thumb. How I have managed to get through it I have no idea, his years-long insistence that he knew how to go about things just got us years deeper in the do-do which has to be gotten out of again.

Thank fook he is starting to see sense... but I still catch him saying things that are just ludicrous from my point of view. Such as starting a sentence with 'yea but you'd have thought she would want S to get a happy birthday call from me'... I gave him 'the look' lol: there IS actually a 'look' I give him when he does something stupid like expect anything decent or reasonable from her) and he stopped himself. Oh yeah - that's the latest crap - OH hasn't been able to get in touch to wish a happy birthday to S today. Bitchface won't ever answer the phone to him (call ID) and J's phone's been going straight to answer phone. What the mobile phone she bought S recently is FOR is beyond me, he didn't have it with him when the boys stayed last weekend, and we don't have the number.

Ho hum......

xx

we have the same problem with phone calls. she wont answer even if OH texts first to say he wants to speak to his daughter. she gets her partner to ring him up after a texting argument because she is too scared to say anything. from what i have been told recently she was very controlling when they were together and doesnt seem like much has changed. she is punishing OH as she wanted to make the relationship work after cheating on him and he ran a mile. we are going to see her today when we pick SD up. he is very prepared to get things off his chest and told me that i dont need to stand there and look pretty so i have a few choice words for her. all with good intensions of course but its about time she knew i am not going anywhere and i love my SD and also that we are not going to take her crap anymore.
i wouldnt worry too much about the kids phones. my daughter never answers her phone either, its usually lying under her bed switched off but as for their mother, she should answer the phone and its pretty cruel she never let you guys speak to the kids on their birthdays. OH's ex wont let us have contact on christmas or birthdays but its fine as we make it a special day on the day we do have her so in reality she gets 2 birthdays and 2 christmas's.
for some reason these ex's care more about hurting the kids dad's than their kids welfare and its so selfish. they should be glad the dad wants a relationship with the kids. there are plenty out there that dont give a damn, for instance my 9 y/o's dad. i take my hat off to dad's who make the effort especially when dealing with crap from an ex who is jealous and cant get over the fact that the dad has moved on. x