step parents support thread

[tallybee]

I often think that oh's ex should try dealing with someone like my ex and see how she likes it She thinks she's hard done by now??? Try the pain that tit put us through and she'd be eternally grateful for the above and beyond support (both financially and otherwise) from OH (us) that she has continually wiped her arse on.

my thoughts exactly! but OH could never do that as i am sure your's couldnt so we still get the sh*t end of the stick dont we all i know is my daughter is better off without her dad in her life. she never knew him for 7 years then he briefly took an interest which i encouraged and even went back to my old tricks of taking her to see him rather than letting him come to her. he got bored fast and got another girl pregnant (which he left) he was soon out of the picture again. my daughter now refers to him by his first name on the rare occasion she does speak of him which i dont really blame her for. he is not a father. x

You are right, my OH never would do that either, and if he even thought about it he'd have lost my respect. We are stuck in the middle getting crap from both sides but we, as I am sure you and your OH are, we're strong and their shit will never break us

Holy crap are you sure we don't have the same fob!!
H calls him his first name in conversation if it comes up, OH is her daddy. If he'd actually made any effort whatsoever, EVER, he'd have continued to have our support in proper access etc but he's never been able to manage it and has got several other women pregnant in the time since I was with him too. We truly are better off as we are

 

[xpensivtaste]

You are right, my OH never would do that either, and if he even thought about it he'd have lost my respect. We are stuck in the middle getting crap from both sides but we, as I am sure you and your OH are, we're strong and their shit will never break us

Holy crap are you sure we don't have the same fob!!
H calls him his first name in conversation if it comes up, OH is her daddy. If he'd actually made any effort whatsoever, EVER, he'd have continued to have our support in proper access etc but he's never been able to manage it and has got several other women pregnant in the time since I was with him too. We truly are better off as we are

haha nah i'm thinkin we just no how to pick em lol. might have had some bad relationships in the past but our men now are good 'uns
just shows ya that not all men are bad. some or most just want a happy life with a loving family to be proud of. just too bad that the arseholes cause women to be stereotypical of all men.

my daughter calls my OH dad. i never thought i would see the day since she is 9 and she was 7 and a half when we met so it was completely her own decision but we were overjoyed by it. i have been in long term relationships before i met the love of my life and she never called them dad as she is a very strong minded little girl and very independant. she has never, until now, had a man she could call dad in her life although has always been a 'grandads girl' which evidentally is my stepdad and i dont call him dad though i love him as though he were.
my OH just had a new effect on her and showed her what a dad should be like.
he is also the first man i have met who was already a dad and although it can be hard dealing with the ex and taking on the role as step mummy i wouldn't change what i have for the world. =)
xx

 

[tallybee]

I know what you mean about the stereotyping - I had given up on finding a man that wasn't a shitbag, and didn't want a relationship at all, when OH and I met he had to work on me to get me interested

Then again the actions of some of these bitchfaces could lead blokes to believe all women are out to fuck Them over so it goes both ways

Aw that's lovely your daughter feels able to call your OH dad

xx

 

[xpensivtaste]

hows all the step mummies and daddies doing lately?

 

[pinkflamingo]

Hi all! Am back after a few days away visiting family. Hope we are all ok?

Nothing to report on the 'step' front. It has bern quiet for quite some time and let's hope it stays that way a while longer!! One of my goos friends is just starting out on the journey of dealing with an ex and her using the baby as a tool. They have just split up and ex is giving demands about only coming back if they get married and he sells his house!! She has lived there for the past few years, and he has told her that he didn't want to get married, all of this BEFORE she PLANNED to have a baby with him. It makes me so cross as he is now scared she will move to where her family live and he won't see his child. She is leaving baby (nearly 2) with dad more than half of the week as she is going out all the time and this has really shocked everyone as we all thought she was all about her baby. Thinking about it though she NEVER has spent any time just her and baby, she always has ro be surrounded by her friends or family, and so I wonder if motherhood is just not quite what she thought it would be. I think it was a substitute for marriage but actually its not now what she wants. Just hope she doesn't screw my friend over in the course of whatever happens next.

What's news with everyone? Xx

 

[dizzybella]

Hi all! Am back after a few days away visiting family. Hope we are all ok?

... One of my goos friends is just starting out on the journey of dealing with an ex and her using the baby as a tool. They have just split up and ex is giving demands about only coming back if they get married and he sells his house!! What's news with everyone? Xx

I love the mentality of these people - blackmail someone to marry them My DH's ex wanted to know would he mind gettin her pregnant as she wanted her kids to have the same dad - but 'he didnt need to pay csa for the second one' - thats what she 'offered'!!! Theyd split over a 18months and he was wit me Nevermind the fact that he had been fighting in court for access etc at the time.

Well things arent good on our front. We applied for the variance through the csa and she isnt happy. We dont think we'l get much (if anything) and bearing in mind her CSA will increase after next week when our new baby arrives and our TC increase. So she'l still be better off but she has continued posting abusive FB posts about him being a deadbeat who doesnt support his D - he has ALWAYS supported her. It was really stressing me and i took the step to block her and her mates on FB but it ment i had to block SD too cus the ex posts on her wall too. I dono how i'll explain to my SD if she asks - i dont want to tell her what her mother has been doing -its not fair on her but i can imagine her mother will be saying all sorts.
Think my hormones are dropping cus its been really gettin to me and she has got very personal in texts to DH saying we shouldnt be having more kids if it means we ask the CSA to drop her money a bit.
Hopefully after the baby is born i can get back on my anti deps and they'l take the edge of it.
I have one thong niggling me a lot. I think its just an unreasonable worry so kind of seeking someone to say its my depression making me worry unreasonably - one of the ex's friends has also been bitching on FB and shes a nurse in the section where i'm havin my baby next week. She was professional when dealing with the birth of my first but things are so bitter at the mo i just feel uncomfy at the thought of her being near my ba. But i genuinely think she'll be professional. Its just a niggle. isnt it? yes, it is. I'll keep tellin myself that... My heads pickled!!

Sorry for the long post!! Hope all u are doing better xxx

 

[tallybee]

Aw that's sad about your friend pinkflamingo I have seen it happen where some folk think parenthood will be all they want and then reality hits and things go wrong. I hope your friend's ex doesn't move so far with the LO, and realises that being a shit doesn't get her anywhere

Not got any news on the step stuff as such, but we signed the affidavits yesterday, they should be with the court today really - and the solicitor thinks the big D could be FINAL in 3-4 weeks!

It will be so good finally for OH not to be married to bitchface - and we're planning to have our wee reg office 'do' ASAP once we get that decree!

xx

ETA: dizzybella, hat a shit situation xxxxxxx Honestly I can't imagine that a member of staff being friends with your OH's ex could influence your care or LO's even if you do get that nurse xx

 

[pinkflamingo]

Just wrote a long reply and lost it all!

Dizzy - your maintenance payments make me so cross!
Don't worry about the nurse, but if you feel uncomfortable then I am sure you could take to the hosp and explain that you have encountered her on a personal level and you would feel more relaxed if she didn't have to interact with you. I wouldn't worry though hun.

Tally - how exciting about your wedding getting closer! Keep us posted!!

Xx

 

[dizzybella]

aw tally woohoo!! Get that reg office booked Oooo u got me thinkin of wedding cake now- i had a gorgeous choc one yumyumyum - cravings started....

 

[tallybee]

Mmmmm! cake!

The solicitor said NOT to get anything booked until we have the decree (which I already assumed anyway, but I could see OH's face drop when he said it) since there could still be delays - although not likely it would be sod's law that something happened and left us with family members etc and no wedding , like although the sep agreement between OH and ex has a section against either party putting a spanner in the works, we all know how twisted exes can be. Also it seems that it is less straightforward at the Sheriff court level at this stage because it was OH and not the parent with care that lodged proceedings - the sheriff must be satisfied that the arrangements for the children are satisfactory, and clearly this is easier to ascertain when the person they live with is the one they are dealing with. Does that make sense....
Those affidavits we signed were all about the children and their care, with statements about their health, their schooling, that they're happy there, their hobbies, etc and that the house is kept presentable, she is there when they get in from school etc. as well as a statement about contact with OH. The solicitor said that we have made the affidavits 'as full as possible' and that it should be satisfactory, but that on the day the sheriff gets dealing with it he could decide to ask for more information, which could drag.

Anyway, we're hoping that all the doom and gloom stuff is just a stock warning of what 'could' happen but probably 'won't'! It's been such a rollercoaster experience over the last 2.5 years that I can't get excited, OH thinks I'm being negative and putting a downer on things but I see it as not being able to handle any more let downs and therefore saving up my elation for when that decree comes!

I will definitely let you all know when we find anything out!

xx

 

[Mellybelle]

Hey all,

My husband has a round table discussion with solicitors next Friday to discuss where J will go to high school.
He will say:
* J's sister goes to the school we chose (lets call is CC high school)
*We are willing to pay his school fees. (its a private school)
* It is the best school in the area.
* He has already been interviewed and accepted into the school.
* We already drive 54km each way to take the children between two different schools, if J goes to the high school of her choice (lets call it WG high school) we will have to travel to THREE different schools, then when out LO starts school, we'll be travelling to FOUR different schools. Physically its impossible to get the all to school on time.
*J has no social problems and is easily accepted by his peers, he'll have no problems making new friends, and we'll make sure he keeps in touch with his current friends.


She will say:
*J wants to go to WG high school because thats where his friends are going.
* She doesnt want to drive all that way to take J to school.
* If we cant get J to WG high school, then he can live with her full time and just visit us.

J and N have lived half and half with us and their mother since as long as they can remember. We dont want to change their living arrangements.


Thoughts anyone? Ideas? comments?

 

[pinkflamingo]

What does J want? He is at an age now to be able to voice his own wants and a solicitor will take that into consideration. Would he rather go to your school and carry on the half and half living, or is he ok with living with his mum if that means he gets to go to the other school.
From my own experience of a 13 year old ss, he only spends every other weekend with us and finds it tough to have to fit his arrangements in around that. He misses birthday parties etc on our weekends because we are too far away. My point is as that age their priorities are changing and their friends are their no. 1 thing. If J goes to your school will he be able to meet up with these friends of his own accord on the weekends? My ss can just go and knock on a door when he as at home, but will J have that freedom to go and see these new school friends?
If he is on board with what you are proposing then I don't see how you will have any probs with the solicitor on friday.
Good luck X

 

[Mellybelle]

J is only 12. We havent told him he cant live with us anymore if he goes to WG high school. We didnt want the decision to be his as we didnt want him to have to choose between his parents. Also, his brother N is 9. We dont want the boys to have separate living arrangements. J has some friends that live near us as he plays football for our local team, and if he goes to CC high, he'll meet even more friends in our area. He will also continue living with his mum (half the time), so will still get to see his "old" friends.

 

[tallybee]

^ Yep it does seem like taking account of J's opinion on that could be key. The only problem is has his mum been trying to influence what he would say if asked...

I really hope some progress can be made on this at the meeting!

xx

 

[Mellybelle]

We all went to the CC information evening. DH, Me, J, megabitch. When it finished J said "I wanna go to this school!" and was really excited about it. You couldnt help but be impressed, it really is a fantastic school. His mother said to him"Well, we'll discuss it in a few days". DH made several attempts to discuss schools with her and she wouldnt answer her phone, or didnt have time to talk. After a few days J went to his mothers house where she must have gone on and on about how he wont be at school with his friends etc. Also laid on the guilt trip about how hard she works and how it wouldnt be fair for her to have to drive him all the way to school. (This is a very common theme for her. J often feels guilty about how hard mum has to work). Then she took both J and N to see a counsellor. She claimed that J was feeling very anxious about high school due to the pressure his father had been putting on him to attend CC. We have NEVER discussed high school with J. Only told him, the decision would be made by mum and dad. Nor have we ever put any pressure on him to make any decisions where he would have to choose between his parents. She still didnt make any attempt to discuss anything with DH, but chose to discuss everything with J. This is why we have had to ask a solicitor to arrange a discussion with her and her solicitor.

 

[tallybee]

Oh dear, these people will stop at nothing to get their own way, whilst complicating things and making the children feel bad if they don't do exactly what they want will they

Well in a meeting with solicitors present she'll have a tough time getting any response from sob stories and guilt trips . What's best for the children will be the only thing on the agenda... and any sane person can see that a situation where a) you are driving ludicrous distances between different schools is not viable, or b) changing round the kids' living arrangements, meaning they're separated half the time and complicating things further is just nonsense No one will be interested in the ex's selfish desire to avoid any form of compromise.

Let us know how it goes

xx

 

[pinkflamingo]

My own personal opinion is that he is old enough to have some say in this decision. If his parents had just split up, then at 12 he could voice his decision on where he wanted to live. i would think the first question you will asked by the solicitor is 'what are the childs wishes?' and if you answer that you have not spoken to him about it at all, then I think that could almost go against you as you may look like you are just trying to control the outcome of this decision without actually putting the needs and wants of the child first. Please note that I am not suggesting for one second that this is what you are doing, but to a solicitor the wellbeing of the child is what they will be working for, and as I said before at 12 years old he will have his own opinion on things and they will want to know what this is.

I know that you will have thought of all of this already hun, but will you be a in a position to pay the fees for N to go to this same school also? and manage comfortably when you have your LO?

It seems like it's going to be a difficult one to reach a conclusion about. I hope you don't think that I am disagreeing with the outcome that you are trying to reach, but I think if it were me and my ss then we would openly discuss it with him and gain his insight and opinions on it all and then make the final decision based on all the info and facts.

Good luck xx

 

[daniellelk]

-

 

[tallybee]

^

All the best getting that sorted xx

 

[dizzybella]

well just an update....I'v told OH that with how awkward she's been over the whole time we've had contact, she's agreed to too much to easily to just go along with what she should be. I have a feeling we will have to take her back to court because so far shes broke the order 3time's in space of 2weeks

I agree - sounds like shes giving him all the talk but has no intention of doing anything so court could be necessary Hope you get something sorted - good luck xxx