step parents support thread

[xpensivtaste]

Hi dizzybella!
Over the past year we have been very open with ss about things that are going on. When dh applied to the courts for PR, he spoke to ss about it and asked what his mum had told him about it. Ss said she told him that dh wanted to stop her taking him abroad on holiday and was probably going to take him away from her and that is why she was saying he couldn't have PR!!

thats cruel!! cant believe someone could say that to their child.
i'm thinking being honest and open with the kids is the way to go. you never know what gets said. my SD is only 5 so she doesnt really understand and for all we know her mum could be telling her all sorts of horrid things.
SD said to me the other day i can tell you are having a baby cos you are fat! which i am not and dont even look pregnant yet so that has only come from her mother who is probably a dress size smaller than me? maybe 2? no observation could have been made from a 5 year old though i am sure.

we want to take her abroad next year and her mum wont allow it, well is being a pain in the ass saying no and then trying to bribe us out of cash while she thinks about it, in the long run tho i think the answer will be no but we are working on it. no doubt she will tell SD that we dont want to take her to cover her back but i am going to talk to SD so she knows it wasnt our fault (it was her mothers! no suprise) she couldnt come on holiday with us last week and make up for that fact by taking her to buy some new toys and clothes. see she can try and poison SD against us but we will make sure SD knows that she is loved by us and our home is as much hers as her mummies home is. its just hard as it feels like a losing battle all the time. gotta keep fighting tho eh?

 

[pinkflamingo]

Deffo keep going hun. Dh and I can hold our heads up high and truthfully say that we have NEVER said a bad word to ss about his mum. Our thoughts are that he is old enough to understand what goes on and that is why we decided on being honest with him about things as they have happened. It must be difficult with a younger child but at that age they don't understand the idiots that adults can be and they just react to love and fun times. That's all you need to worry about for now and as she gets older she too will see with her own eyes what her mum is doing. I hope you get some holiday time next year. I hope your oh is not meeting her extra demands for money whilst she 'is thinking about it' as like you said its likely to be a no, but she will have got what she wanted out of it I.e. Extra money.

Are the 4 of you meeting today? I know it may sound a bit extreme but do be careful if you are meeting up as I have heard of exes using a 'meet' in their legal cases. They said that the father and gf threatened her and her boyf if they did not meet his demands on access etc and tried to intimidate her etc. Of course it was lies but the boyf backed her story and it made the legal case even more messy as they had no proof that they hadn't done any of it.

Xx

 

[xpensivtaste]

hmmmm i see what you are saying there....yes me, OH and my daughter are going to be picking SD up. we dont intend on intimidating her just suggesting a mediation to clear the air a bit but being firm about it and explaining we arnt going to be controlled by her. no he is not giving her any money other than the agreed maintinence. we are going to take SD out and treat her after we pick her up instead of buying her school uniform (as mentioned in other thread) we just dont know anyway to work it to make it go to our advantage other than making it crystal clear that we are prepared to take legal action if she keeps playing games with us. would you suggest me and my daughter hanging back while OH talks to her alone?

 

[pinkflamingo]

I think that is prob a good idea hun. She will prob get more stressy quicker if you are there and you wouldn't want your daughter there if she starts slagging you all off.

Don't know how you feel about this but a 'trick' we have used in the past is making the suggestion that we have already sought legal advice about something already and have got a solicitor already lined up if she carries on being awkward. Your oh could tell her 'I have spoken to someone about this access situation and want you to know that unless it stops now we will be getting solicitors involved to sort this out once and for all'. It may make her stop and think that he has been advised already that he will win (which he would anyway) and that she may as well stop being a bitch now!! If it doesn't work then you are no worse off and you will take legal action as you are intending anyway.
If he said something like that then it isn't lying as he will no doubt have spoken to 'someone' about the access probs (you, his friends etc!) Just don't say a solicitor if you don't want, let her just reach that conclusion herself!!
Hope it works for you hun xx

 

[tallybee]

^ I recommend getting a dictaphone/digital voice recorder for such meetings. Stick it in your pocket and turn it on before the meeting. I got one for around £20 in Argos and it does hundreds of hours of recordings! At least then you can prove what was said/not said. Unfortunately it won't be useable in court if recorded without their knowledge - but it's up to you to decide whether to inform all present that you will be recording the conversation (runs the risk of them terminating the meeting before it's started) OR if they start pulling the 'they threatened us' card you can say you have a recording of the whole thing and that they 'may' wish to retract their bullshit allegation!

 

[tallybee]

^ I know that sounds really devious but sometimes with nasty people it simply pays to cover your own backs

 

[pinkflamingo]

I agree you need to cover your backs with these people.

Another option is just to pay a solicitor to write a letter saying the things your dh wants to say today re mediation. It won't start any legal proceedings but at least a solicitor will be aware of your case should you need to go ahead with legal stuff, plus seeing a solicitor on the paper may scare her into taking things seriously now.

You have options hun, but you do need to consider the bigger picture in all that you do. Its such a pain in the backside!!!

Loads of luck and keep us informed!!

Xx

 

[dizzybella]

tally u have ur head screwed on- we used the dictaphone to record all messages and have kept a diary of all the abuse/texts etc. I'll be honest tho- it didnt do us much good as there is no penalty for her breaching the court orders. All we can do is take her back to court and they sign a new one and she breaks it too. The last judge spoke to me after as i knew him slightly from my job- he said the court orders were a waste of time and the only way we could get anything enforced would be to apply for a custody order but we dont want to do that to SD. Shes 9 now but very much under mummys thumb. Dont get my wrong- she adores her daddy but she believes everything her mother says and when he rings to talk to her when access has been blocked her mummy puts her on the phone to say 'i dont want to see you daddy cus u are nasty to mummy'. Not the childs fault but my DH is a softie and it hurts him so much.

And the CSA thing - well here goes.
Per court order we get one overnight a week but we've never had her cus she says her mummy needs her in the house but really its cus mummy wants the max she can get.
Next- we had a baby together so in theory her csa drops to 10%. Well get this- we claim child tax credits for our babys childcare. The csa class this as an earning so she gets a cut of it. Ok, i can keep calm as the law is the law but this following bit makes me sick...We get a disability premium on our tax creds cus our baby is disabled- she also gets a cut of this as its classed as 'earnings'!!!!!!!!!! So we get a payment to help care for a sick baby and she benefits. WTF!! And we appealed and went to CAB and were told 'tough' basically.
Now i'm due our next baby in a couple of weeks and she asked us to ensure we send the birth cert in quickly so she gets her rise in money (as our TC will increase again).
NICE.
I got sum useful advice from another forum about applying for a variance to be taken into account by the csa- ie expenses for travelling to appointments with our baby (he had 78 last year!!!). We filled it in and asked for the max a they rarely grant (aim high so we might at least get sumthin...) so it would be £15pw but her csa will increase by 60 a month when new baby arrives so basically it wud stay the same. In short- logged onto FB this morning and she has posted that her scum of an ex has asked the csa to take petrol money off her for his other child and that my SD is crying cus it means daddy doesnt love her as much as his 'new' kids (who wud have told her that...).

I didnt even acknowledge it- i knew something was brewing as we havent had access the last few times as SD hasnt been well supposedly - well enuff to spend her day in the bar with her mum...

O i dont need this hassle. My DH as has to fight tooth and nail for his daughter for years and yet the ex makes out that he abandoned her. I feel gutted for him and i think he's gonna lose his access again for a few weeks now until she realises that her csa wont reduce- it just wont increase as she thought.

 

[pinkflamingo]

dizzy that is just disgusting that she gets anything based on your daughter. I have just taken a look on the CSA website as I am so shocked by it. It does say that you can request that they take into consideration the fact that you have a disabled child to look after. I assume that this has been done by you already, I am just in shock. is there anyway that you can claim these benefits etc in your name only, and then it won't form any of his income. My financial details are not taken into account with maintenance payments and if they asked DH about them he would tell them that he did not know anything about my finances. I have heard of a case like that, the lady refused to give any info as the child was nothing to do with her and they couldn't do anything about it other than base the calculations on his income only.

reading what she has put on facebook has made me really cross!!! I would block her hun and not even bother reading the tripe that she writes. I hate the woman and I don't even know her!!!!!

..............and breathe................keep smiling hun.......

xx

 

[tallybee]

She gets a cut of your baby's money?? I cannot see how that can be in any way right. Is it in your name or your DH's? Income in your name is fuck all to do with your husband's ex hon. It's his income alone that they should be taking into account. Scuse my french but that kind of evil bitchface crap really really does my head in, it's beyond unfair, really it is

 

[pinkflamingo]

it does say on the csa webiste that in certain cases benefits received by the the non resident parent or their partner may be taken into consideration, and also tax credits too. i would just refuse to give my info and like I say Dh would say that he didn't know anything about my finances. I guess that is ok to say now, but obviously dizzybella and oh have given all the info to the csa already for them to calculate these crazy ass sums.

Grrrrrrrrrrr........

you know what would work out cheapest for everyone in the long run? spend a few thousand on getting a hitman to take her out!!! (and I don't mean for dinner and a film!!! ) a one off payment and the future could be sunny and bright every day. Just an idea of mine........

xx

 

[xpensivtaste]

UPDATE: OH has gone alone to pick SD up. MIL suggested not saying anything to the ex and waiting for her to come round as we can put money into MIL's account to get a last minute deal which in all fairness would work out cheaper. as much as i sort of agree with her its not making a stand and i fear OH's ex will only try to string us along more but hey ho...its worth a try.
i think MIL is more scared of losing access which is why she doesnt want OH to say anything but its gunna come to a point where we need an answer anyway. i dunno, i am stumped, i had it all worked out, by the sounds of things MIL was talking like there is no way SD will be coming away with us. she even suggested we book in term time but she knows SD will deffo not be able to come then so i dont know what to think, we dont want to go away without her but the odds are against us, not even getting the support we hoped for from MIL.
using a recording device is a pretty good idea tho, will deffo have to invest in one.

oh yeah just had a phone call from MIL saying OH's ex has text her asking for double money this week since we are not having SD next week. the sheer cheek of her! she wont be getting double money anyway as OH is already on his way and doesnt have the phone on him. oh dear oh dear. starting to wish we had stuck to the original plan and gone straight to the solicitors. i can see a big mess heading our way.

 

[dizzybella]

the tax creds have to be in both our names cus we're married. We tried not handing them over and they requested them stating that my DH would be breaching legislation by not handing it over. I wrote them a letter saying that i wasnt handing my details over so they requested them under a service level agreement from the HMRC who provided them. They blanked out my name and earnings but it gave the final tax cred award so it wasnt bloody hard to work out what the blanks were ffs! I even tried gettin the hmrc to provide a statement of what the tax creds would be if my baby wasnt disabled so we could ringfence that part of the award off - no luck- the csa said its still earnings.
The law is to blame but its the way the ex goes about things that f's me off. At least i know i'm not the only one finding these things upsetting - u have all seemed to be through the mill too - its sad that the ex's can get away with all this and no matter how nice or logical we are tryin to be we seem to be the losers.

 

[tallybee]

Massive dizzybella, the law is certainly to blame as it gives these losers the 'entitlement' attitude that they go around with, expecting everything to be theirs and just presuming it will be. It does feel like we are the losers but those dipsticks will not be able to keep their claws in us forever; once the SKids hit 18 (or 16 if they leave education) there'll be NO more maintenance anyway; and the kids will be able to make up their own minds. We've already discussed what'll happen when this milestone hits; J is 14 now so it might only be a couple of years. OH is saying he may put away some of what we'd been losing to bitchface anyway as a kind of trust for J, or just help him out a bit per month for a deposit on a flat or whatever it may be that he needs at that time. I think that's a great idea - it shows J (and S, when this comes round for him too) that dad isn't just doing the bare minimum he can get away with and has never abandoned them.

UPDATE: OH has gone alone to pick SD up. MIL suggested not saying anything to the ex and waiting for her to come round as we can put money into MIL's account to get a last minute deal which in all fairness would work out cheaper. as much as i sort of agree with her its not making a stand and i fear OH's ex will only try to string us along more but hey ho...its worth a try.
i think MIL is more scared of losing access which is why she doesnt want OH to say anything but its gunna come to a point where we need an answer anyway. i dunno, i am stumped, i had it all worked out, by the sounds of things MIL was talking like there is no way SD will be coming away with us. she even suggested we book in term time but she knows SD will deffo not be able to come then so i dont know what to think, we dont want to go away without her but the odds are against us, not even getting the support we hoped for from MIL.
using a recording device is a pretty good idea tho, will deffo have to invest in one.

oh yeah just had a phone call from MIL saying OH's ex has text her asking for double money this week since we are not having SD next week. the sheer cheek of her! she wont be getting double money anyway as OH is already on his way and doesnt have the phone on him. oh dear oh dear. starting to wish we had stuck to the original plan and gone straight to the solicitors. i can see a big mess heading our way.

Sod her expecting double money! Cheeky cow.

I would still see a solicitor if I were you hon. It can't hurt to get everything on the table and see what a legal professional thinks about this whole situation.

And yeah the things I have learnt, not just with OH's ex but with my own, are KEEP RECORDS. Voice recorder: Brilliant idea. Diary/Log of events: Brilliant. We got my deadbeat ex off our backs demanding random access whenever he could be arsed to show up, by proving his uselessness via our log. (He is a transient person, never lives in 1 place for more than a few months and flits between seasonal on-the-side work and benefits so CSA have never been able to do anything, and he defaulted the visitation agreement which required him to show up monthly. THEN got a legal letter sent to us asking why WE had stopped turning up ) When we had that letter, we were damned grateful for our forward thinking in keeping a log which I had filled in from the beginning and filled in for a year in which he managed to turn up for 5 visits.

Sorry for the tangent but I believe the step parenting thing goes the other way as well, this shit with my ex has really affected OH... he's the one here bringing up my LOs with me, BEING their dad, and there's this tosser in the background trying to throw his weight around even though he can't even be bothered to show up once a month and paid £5 a week for about 6 months of a 5 year old's life.

Sorry that's turned out to be a long post... as I'm sure you all know all too well these things have such an impact on us and our relationships, and part of me is sad that I have ended up turning into a real hardened old cynic who seems to see the dark side in everything. OH thinks I'm a pessimist..... I know that I am just being prepared for things, and it's seen us right on more than 1 occasion.


Oh yeah and pinkflamingo - we can but dream.......
xxxx

 

[dizzybella]

OH is saying he may put away some of what we'd been losing to bitchface anyway as a kind of trust for J, or just help him out a bit per month for a deposit on a flat or whatever it may be that he needs at that time. I think that's a great idea - it shows J (and S, when this comes round for him too) that dad isn't just doing the bare minimum he can get away with and has never abandoned them.


thats a really nice idea - its a while off for us but i wud def love to do that so sd can see we werent just payin because we had to.

 

[dizzybella]

UPDATE: i can see a big mess heading our way.

dont you be stressing about this (i know its easier said than done) but you need to look after yourself. It'l only give them pleasure if we drive ourselves
to you xxx

 

[tallybee]

OH is saying he may put away some of what we'd been losing to bitchface anyway as a kind of trust for J, or just help him out a bit per month for a deposit on a flat or whatever it may be that he needs at that time. I think that's a great idea - it shows J (and S, when this comes round for him too) that dad isn't just doing the bare minimum he can get away with and has never abandoned them.


thats a really nice idea - its a while off for us but i wud def love to do that so sd can see we werent just payin because we had to.

Yeah that's what I thought xx

 

[xpensivtaste]

unfortunately ladies its been nothing but a stress for the past week or so.
yesterday literally a minute after OH left HER house she text demanding next weeks money on sunday when SD is dropped off as well as uniform money for 2 cardigans, shoes, 2 t shirts, a skirt, pair of trousers, coat and socks. i took a stand and replied. tactfully i might add, explaining that we pay her 30 a week MAINTINENCE and that is towards the uniform as we are going to take SD instead and buy her some new clothes for when she is with us and i also said we will pick SD up at some point next weekend as we would like to see her and work around the birthday party she has and you will get you're money then. to which, i got the reply: 30 pounds is not enough sometimes for me on my own (even though she lives with a working partner and claims benefits) and i dont know what time the party will finish. so i replied: well we will pick her up friday night and bring her back saturday before the party if thats ok as we would like to see her and we have a family to provide for too plus a little one on the way and the law states i should pay you less that 30 per week under the circumstances if i was to go through the CSA so its you're decision, if you would like we can arrange to pay directly to them in future? anyway we sort of went round in circles here as she kept tripping herself up and asking for the money. i considered saying we will pay the school directly for the uniform before the new school year starts but then i thought NO! the BITCH has only asked us because OH brought up the holiday again and she said she is still thinking so stuff her! anyway the texting battle ended with me saying i am not going to argue anymore about money with you. you have your maintinence and SD doesnt go without when she is with us. so sorry but no.
sorry got a bit carried away there didnt i.
she's deffo pulling out the stops now, wonder what will be next? all because we want to take SD on holiday with us.
tallybee....we do keep records on texts and stuff. we dont really have enough face to face contact atm to record anything and she will never saying anything to our faces. like i said it was a minute or 2 after OH had gotten back in the car with SD to come home. still going to buy a recorder though just incase.
i know what you mean about being on the other side of things too. my daughters dad is a low life but to be honest he doesnt have anything at all to do with her so my OH has been her dad and i couldnt be happier with that but my daughters paternal grandparents do stay in contact and have let my daughter down on several occasions which upsets me. especially as its the only time she gets too see her brother and sister which their dad also doesnt give a damn about.
i suppose cos all i ever wanted was my daughter to have her dad give a damn i am very greatful to dads that do stick around. i have not and could not ever be like some of the ex's i have read about on here. i was the one that used to travel 20-30 miles with my, then 3 month old daughter so she could spend time with her dad and give him money for food.
makes you appreciate the little things i suppose =)

 

[tallybee]

^
Yea my ex has nothing to do with us any more - his choice. It works so much better that way, which is sad but true. If he hadn't been such a knobbish negative influence he'd have been welcome to be there for H, but he's not capable of it

It's hard being in this situation where both exes are the worst influence on ur family isn't it. I mean I can see how some people could be taken to the conclusion that things are 1 sided, but knowing what I do now (have done for way too long) there are some people who just aren't right in the head, and there is no hope of ever getting decency out of them. I often think that oh's ex should try dealing with someone like my ex and see how she likes it She thinks she's hard done by now??? Try the pain that tit put us through and she'd be eternally grateful for the above and beyond support (both financially and otherwise) from OH (us) that she has continually wiped her arse on.

 

[xpensivtaste]

I often think that oh's ex should try dealing with someone like my ex and see how she likes it She thinks she's hard done by now??? Try the pain that tit put us through and she'd be eternally grateful for the above and beyond support (both financially and otherwise) from OH (us) that she has continually wiped her arse on.

my thoughts exactly! but OH could never do that as i am sure your's couldnt so we still get the sh*t end of the stick dont we all i know is my daughter is better off without her dad in her life. she never knew him for 7 years then he briefly took an interest which i encouraged and even went back to my old tricks of taking her to see him rather than letting him come to her. he got bored fast and got another girl pregnant (which he left) he was soon out of the picture again. my daughter now refers to him by his first name on the rare occasion she does speak of him which i dont really blame her for. he is not a father. x