step parents support thread

[dizzybella]

...(This is a very common theme for her. J often feels guilty about how hard mum has to work). Then she took both J and N to see a counsellor. She claimed that J was feeling very anxious about high school due to the pressure his father had been putting on him to attend CC. We have NEVER discussed high school with J. Only told him, the decision would be made by mum and dad. Nor have we ever put any pressure on him to make any decisions where he would have to choose between his parents. She still didnt make any attempt to discuss anything with DH, but chose to discuss everything with J. This is why we have had to ask a solicitor to arrange a discussion with her and her solicitor.

I dont understand a parent who can use and manipulate a child in these situations. I really feel for yous and can sympathise with you trying to resolve everything without putting J on the spot etc. Our bitchface uses my sd all the time- i feel its emotional abuse to a certain extent as some of the things she tells her is not right for a 9 year old to hear. Its frustrating cus i would love to sit her down, show her the evidence and explain how devious her mother is but like you, i would never do that. I hope all goes well with the sol xxx

 

[Lownthwaite]

I am so grumpy right now!

SS (he's 6) was mauling around on the living room floor flailing his legs everywhere and almost kicked LO in the face.

I said "R stop swinging your legs around you almost kicked F then - you would hurt her." I had to repeat this a few times due to the constant "what"s

After 10 minutes or so he starts swinging his legs around again and again narrowly missed LO's head with his foot. So I raised my voice slightly and said "R - I've already asked you to stop swinging your legs - LO is only little and if you catch her she could get hurt"

........well DH got really angry and shouted at me!

DH - "Don't shout at him!"
Me - "But he's almost kicked her in the face twice and I've already asked him to stop it"
DH - "But he didn't though did he! Don't shout at him for something he's not done!"
Me - "Don't undermind me infront of him"

That was the end of it - we've not spoken since.

Does he want LO to get hurt before he disciplines SS for being rowdy?!?!

Every weeked SS seems to do or say something to wind me up - I can't take this any longer! It makes me dread the weekends and lookforward to monday!!

 

[pinkflamingo]

Hi hun,
I would be really annoyed if I were you too. It doesn't help your authority with ss when your dh does that to you in front of him, and if he wasn't listening to you in the first place then that's not going to help the issue. I would talk to him and explain what your feeling and the fact that you need to parent ss as one voice and not as 'his dad' and just some woman. When he is with you then you are both the parents and you need to be able to tell him off like you would if he were your own. You have a lo to look after too and he needs to learn how to be around her.
Have a chat and see if that helps your dh understand. Its not a good place to be when you are dreading ss coming over as all you want is a happy family.
Good luck hun and we are all here to help if you need a moan etc! Xx

 

[Lownthwaite]

Hi hun,
I would be really annoyed if I were you too. It doesn't help your authority with ss when your dh does that to you in front of him, and if he wasn't listening to you in the first place then that's not going to help the issue. I would talk to him and explain what your feeling and the fact that you need to parent ss as one voice and not as 'his dad' and just some woman. When he is with you then you are both the parents and you need to be able to tell him off like you would if he were your own. You have a lo to look after too and he needs to learn how to be around her.
Have a chat and see if that helps your dh understand. Its not a good place to be when you are dreading ss coming over as all you want is a happy family.
Good luck hun and we are all here to help if you need a moan etc! Xx

Thanks Pinkflamingo

I tried talking to him about it but he's just stubborn and said he "hates how I am always telling SS off for nothing!"

I don't tell him off for nothing!

I have helped raise this little boy since he was 6 months old - he is nearly 7. If I tell him off for doing something then it's cause I see it as wrong - I would tell DD off for doing the same thing when she is older if the situation arose!

We took the kids to the park and then went for a pub tea after. SS started messing around putting his feet on the seat (was a booth type seating area with little couches either side of the table). He was climbing head 1st under the table and popping up the other side with his feet still dangling around on the seating on the other side. I asked DH if SS's mum ever takes him out for food - he said he assumes so why. I said because I was brought up to have good table manners, sit down nicely at the table and not have my feet on the seats let alone mess around dangling head 1st under the table with my feet on the seating!!
DH just said that he would sit nice if he was told to. and then didn't tell him to!! I didn't have the nerve to tell him to after getting shot down earlier. If it were DD I would tell her in no uncertain terms she is to sit nicely at the table and stop being silly. It's embarrassing!!! People look at me sometimes like I'm his mother and I'm rubbish at raising him as I let him get away with anything!! I don't and if I was "allowed!" I would raise and discipline him the same way I will my DD.

I can see it creating arguements when DD is older as it will appear to her that SS can do whatever the hell he likes when he's here but she gets told no and gets told off for things SS doesn't?!

sorry just realised how long this got!!!

 

[dizzybella]

Thats not fair and ur DH doesnt appear to be listening to you. Is he scared that if he disciplines your SS then he wont want to come stay wit you/the ex will kick off or somethin? If thats the case that child will learn that he has u's over a barrel. And you're right - ur LO will notice a diff which isnt fair. As already said ^ i think your gonna have to just keep trying to talk to him. Explain how upsetting this is for you and tell him how much you love your ss but that he needs discipline the same as your LO. If he's anything like my hubby it'l be like talking to a brick wall but it'll sink on eventually . In the meantime just vent to us- everyone is fantastic letting me vent so dont apologise for long posts - u aint seen half of mine when i'm on a rant good luck xx

 

[Lownthwaite]

Thats not fair and ur DH doesnt appear to be listening to you. Is he scared that if he disciplines your SS then he wont want to come stay wit you/the ex will kick off or somethin? If thats the case that child will learn that he has u's over a barrel. And you're right - ur LO will notice a diff which isnt fair. As already said ^ i think your gonna have to just keep trying to talk to him. Explain how upsetting this is for you and tell him how much you love your ss but that he needs discipline the same as your LO. If he's anything like my hubby it'l be like talking to a brick wall but it'll sink on eventually . In the meantime just vent to us- everyone is fantastic letting me vent so dont apologise for long posts - u aint seen half of mine when i'm on a rant good luck xx

I don't know to be honest. Possibly?
Sometimes I think it's because he thinks I pick on SS because he's not mine - but that is not true. I tell him off when he does something wrong - just like I tell DD off when she does something wrong.

It's awful cause it really makes me hate the weekends - I dread SS being dropped off on a saturday and I am constanly watching the clock on a sunday wondering what time he is getting picked up! It's horrible because I feel like I am failing him! I am starting to hate having him around. I sit here on a friday thinking of things LO and I can do or places we can go to be out of the house and away from DH and SS!! When we should be spending time as a family!!

His behaviour is getting worse and worse too. I ask him to do or not do something and he ignores me and does the opposite. Then I tell him off and DH gets annoyed with me or I don't tell him off and I have a 6 year old walking all over me!!! I feel like I just can't win!!!

 

[Inge]

lownthwaite - my 8yr old ss is the same. His mum let him get away with everything and he doesnt get told off. Hes been pulling Leos leggs, poking him in the nappy, laying him face down on the sofe when he cries(!!) and if we tell him off his reaction is to swear and act worse. OH cant do much other then not pick him up til sat nights and drop at school monday. I dont want Leo hurt.
Also Im dreading Leo's first word to be a swear as all SS says is "what a c***" to everything what mother thinks an 8 year old should say that? Also she doesnt help by letting him hang out with much older boys (15-16) who are regularly in trouble with the police (he told me a story that his friend stole a womens car and got arrested) tbh she doesnt mind as long as she doesnt have to deal with him. He spends all his time at school,here, or either of his grandparents Wer hoping as he gets older he will settle down a little or see that we tried our best and it was his mum who was making life difficult. After 3 years she still thinks im not allowed to be around when OH see's his son I think she wants him to have 2 different lives and alway be around as her puppy dog, whenever she wants something he goes

 

[Lownthwaite]

lownthwaite - my 8yr old ss is the same. His mum let him get away with everything and he doesnt get told off. Hes been pulling Leos leggs, poking him in the nappy, laying him face down on the sofe when he cries(!!) and if we tell him off his reaction is to swear and act worse. OH cant do much other then not pick him up til sat nights and drop at school monday. I dont want Leo hurt.
Also Im dreading Leo's first word to be a swear as all SS says is "what a c***" to everything what mother thinks an 8 year old should say that? Also she doesnt help by letting him hang out with much older boys (15-16) who are regularly in trouble with the police (he told me a story that his friend stole a womens car and got arrested) tbh she doesnt mind as long as she doesnt have to deal with him. He spends all his time at school,here, or either of his grandparents Wer hoping as he gets older he will settle down a little or see that we tried our best and it was his mum who was making life difficult. After 3 years she still thinks im not allowed to be around when OH see's his son I think she wants him to have 2 different lives and alway be around as her puppy dog, whenever she wants something he goes

I'm sorry you're in a similar situation Inge - it's awful isn't it. I've been in a stinking mood all weekend and as soon as SS got picked up I felt fine! I'm a horrible person aren't I??

We get on fine with SS's mum so thats not the issue for us. I just don't enjoy having him at weekends. I can't stand him being near LO. (he always has filthy hands and finger nails and is always getting right up in her face and making loud noises.

 

[netty]

I've been in a stinking mood all weekend and as soon as SS got picked up I felt fine! I'm a horrible person aren't I??

This describes me every other weekend too!!

 

[Mellybelle]

Step parenting is NOT easy. It took DH and I a while to get it.....ummmm.....where it is. We both parent the kids. I am the boys step mother. I'm not 'just' a step mother. I am their parent too, and while the megabitch doesnt like it, the boys do. No one wants to feel like an outsider in their family.
OH's really need to support us in order for both us and the step kids to feel like 'family'.
I've said it before in this thread and I'll say it again. Positive parenting is a MUST with steps. They are gonna be there forever. Try not to focus too much on the megabitch. Make sure your steppie enjoys their time with you. If they are doing something wrong, be very careful with your choice of words. Try distraction, or calmly explain why they need to stop doing what theyre doing. Use praise a LOT.
Never forget that we chose our DH/OH knowing that they already had 'baggage'. These kids had no say. Its up to US to build a positive relationship with them.
I know that if my DH hadnt gotten along so well with my DD he would be long gone.

If you are really dreading the time that you spend with your steppie, then there is a lot of work to be done.

 

[Inge]

I can't stand him being near LO. (he always has filthy hands and finger nails and is always getting right up in her face and making loud noises.

SS is the same. He had a mega tantrum when I asked him to wash his hands before touching Leo. OH told SS not to do certain things yesterday. I went off out for a walk to the field (saw some lovely cows) as I was so stressed. Have you told your OH how you feel?

 

[Lownthwaite]

I can't stand him being near LO. (he always has filthy hands and finger nails and is always getting right up in her face and making loud noises.

SS is the same. He had a mega tantrum when I asked him to wash his hands before touching Leo. OH told SS not to do certain things yesterday. I went off out for a walk to the field (saw some lovely cows) as I was so stressed. Have you told your OH how you feel?

Not entirely. He's not the easiest to talk to when it comes to SS. He automatically gets very defensive over him like everyone is out to get at SS and doesn't listen to logic. I daren't tell him I dread having SS at weekends - I can't imagine it would go down too well but even DH seems on edge all weeked whilst SS is here. I don't get it

 

[pinkflamingo]

Lownthwaite -

oh hun, it sounds like a tough place to be for you. has your DH been like this all the time or is it a more recent thing? I was wondering whether there was any link between him becoming more defensive of ss and your LO being born (or getting to a certain age). perhaps he is over compensating for the fact that he has moved on with his life and now has a 'new family' and he doesn't want ss to feel left out of any of that. I think I remember you saying that you have helped raise ss since he was 6 months old (i hope that is right), so maybe LO hitting 6 months has sent him on a guilt trip about ss not seeing his mum and dad together at that age, but now he sees that you and DH are still together when LO is over a year old so 'why weren't my mummy and daddy together when i was 1' etc etc. I am not saying that ss is asking any of these questions, but maybe DH is overthinking stuff and is worried that he may be looking at the family life that your LO has and will begin resenting his dad for not giving him the same thing.

I know that my DH has done this at times, and years ago would be more relaxed on ss than he should have been as a parent. I think they see it as being a little more relaxed than they should be, but at times it just came across as bad parenting as children need to be guided and taught, you can't just ignore bad behaviour etc because you and their mother have messed up!!

We have experienced a slightly different situation where I got to the point of being fed up of being the only one to 'parent' ss when he was with us, and DH would be oblivious to what was going on completely. I backed off somewhat and told him that he needed to be more hands on, as if he wasn't then ss would not grow up to repsect the words of his dad and that he was the head of the household etc etc, as he would never have experienced it. I would suggest that as your DH is almost putting himself in this role, that you talk to him and agree that disciplining ss becomes his responsibility as that is what he is making you feel that he wants anyway, and if there are any issues going forward that you will expect him to deal with it and parent ss in the manner which he needs. Am pretty certain that he will get fed up of this after a while (or even as soon as you suggest it to him) and then the doors will be open to a discussion as to how you move forward together as 2 parents that can discipline 2 children. Don't be angry when you discuss it, just speak calmly and explain that you have given it lots of thought and the current setup is not working)

In order to make your DH think about things, i would also mention the fact that the above situation (him being the only one allowed to discipline etc and the fact that ss doesn't listen to you etc) makes you very sad as you had hoped that ss could be a proper part of the family, (yours and DH's) but it doesn't seem like that is going to be possible when he doesn't listen to you and instead of DH backing you up he puts you down in front of him etc etc. You just hope that he doesn't resent the fact that he sees LO grow up in a loving family that he won't really ever be a part of if things carry on in the way that they are.

If you do say something like that, then don't say it in an angry way, just as if you have been thinking about it all and that it makes you sad as you wish that it was all different. It may just plant that seed that makes him realise what could be if he just made a few changes.

Other than that hun it's difficult when it is someone elses child, and even though we are their wives, if they choose to parent their own children in a way that we disagree with then there is little we can do. At times I have thought that it will just be DH (or whoever) that misses out on a good relationship with the child when they grow up and that is the risk that THEY take when they make the choices they do about their own kids.

You have a LO that you need to stay happy for hun so try not to be too affected by all of this.

We are all here for you hun xxx

 

[Lownthwaite]

Thanks pinkflamingo.

It's nice to talk to someone who for a change isn't just telling me to "be the adult!" in the situation and how I am a "terrible" stepmum for resenting SS.

I'm not resenting SS, I'm resenting DH!!! For not being the man I thought he was - or the father I thought he was for that matter!!

I have just spoken to SIL about it (DH's sister) and she says I need to stand up to him, tell him what I think and if he doesn't like it tell him to get the hell out of my house. (we are married but the house is mine)

To be honest it has got to the point where I am thinking LO and I would be happier on our own

 

[Inge]

^^ I felt like this but I think its just because its a tough situation with a young baby and a ss. Mine is great with LO but just doesnt get hes not a dolly sometimes. My OH usually just ignores me if I have a moan so I understand where your coming from on that one

 

[pinkflamingo]

being a step parent is a tough role, and whilst it's not the child's fault it is your DH that is causing you to start dreading ss coming over which is almost worse.

If you are thinking that your Lo and you would be happier without your DH, then do things go deeper than the issues you have with ss? I mean are you and DH unhappy anyway when ss is not around, and this ss issue is just a way to vent your frustrations with one another?

I think you should def try and talk to him hun and make him aware of how serious things have gotten for you. Tell him that you are unhappy and try and explain to him what has been going on for you. If he gets defensive about ss as you say he does, then try and think about how you can word the situation without seeming too negative about ss. At the end of the day your DH is a dad to both the kids and so he needs to treat them both the same way. As well as raising concerns re ss being a part of the family as I said before, you can also say that you are not prepared for him to father ss one way and then for Lo to be treated another way by the both of you, as then she will resent her dad for having a 'favourite child'. As i said it's difficult to make him change the way he parents his son, but Lo is yours too and you can have a say in what happens with her.

Open up to him and then if he ignores what you have said or is not interested in what you are feeling, then you are left with little choices and perhaps his sister is correct in her suggestion.

I suppose a different approach to this may be that you try and increase the bond that you have with ss, and completely ignore your DH in this matter for the time being! Could you take ss out to the park, just the 2 of you and kick a ball about etc for an hour or so? If the relationship between the two of you can grow then there is more chance of him listening to you and respecting your word. I don't know how easy it would be for you, Lo and him to do something but again that would work on the same principal and could also encourage him to learn about the importance of being a big brother, and that it is his responsibility to look after LO whilst she is small etc.

xxx

 

[Lownthwaite]

being a step parent is a tough role, and whilst it's not the child's fault it is your DH that is causing you to start dreading ss coming over which is almost worse.

If you are thinking that your Lo and you would be happier without your DH, then do things go deeper than the issues you have with ss? I mean are you and DH unhappy anyway when ss is not around, and this ss issue is just a way to vent your frustrations with one another?

I think you should def try and talk to him hun and make him aware of how serious things have gotten for you. Tell him that you are unhappy and try and explain to him what has been going on for you. If he gets defensive about ss as you say he does, then try and think about how you can word the situation without seeming too negative about ss. At the end of the day your DH is a dad to both the kids and so he needs to treat them both the same way. As well as raising concerns re ss being a part of the family as I said before, you can also say that you are not prepared for him to father ss one way and then for Lo to be treated another way by the both of you, as then she will resent her dad for having a 'favourite child'. As i said it's difficult to make him change the way he parents his son, but Lo is yours too and you can have a say in what happens with her.

Open up to him and then if he ignores what you have said or is not interested in what you are feeling, then you are left with little choices and perhaps his sister is correct in her suggestion.

I suppose a different approach to this may be that you try and increase the bond that you have with ss, and completely ignore your DH in this matter for the time being! Could you take ss out to the park, just the 2 of you and kick a ball about etc for an hour or so? If the relationship between the two of you can grow then there is more chance of him listening to you and respecting your word. I don't know how easy it would be for you, Lo and him to do something but again that would work on the same principal and could also encourage him to learn about the importance of being a big brother, and that it is his responsibility to look after LO whilst she is small etc.

xxx

There are some issues that don't include SS - DH is lazy and doesn't do things I ask him to do around the house - I do everything. He's stubborn and can be selfish. I also do everything for LO. Ok DH works full time 5 days a week but that's no excuse to do nothing at home. I work 2 full days a week yet still do housework when I get home

The majority of the time though I'm happy. I think he's blissfully unaware I'm not 100% happy. When I try to say anything I think he just sees it as me moaning. I do love him and I want us to be a happy family - all 4 of us but he doesn't make it easy and neither does SS.

I have tried spending one on one time with SS - we used to get on like a house on fire - but over time he's become a handful and very naughty. We do spend time together - all 4 of us - sometimes we have a lovely time but others he's just awful.

SS has a little sister with his mum who is now 3 so he knows how to act around babies so that isn't the issue.

I think I just need to find the right time to have the conversation. Not looking forward to it.........

 

[xpensivtaste]

to all the step mummies....dont ever feel guilty for trying your best. here is my story of becoming a step parent just over a year ago. i didnt handle it well at all. might make me look a little like a bad parent but how far i have come since then even shocks me. i really struggled as i had never been with a man who already had children, its mainly just been me and my daughter and i am quite firm as a parent so to not know my place and have to watch how my OH fathers his daughter who was, in all fairness a bit spoilt it was very hard for me. please dont judge me, i am still learning now. any tips are appreciated ofcourse. =)
it is hard being a parent let alone step parent...i know at times i have dreaded SD coming because i never felt like she never liked me. she had her mum and her dad and her nannies and i was just her dad's new girlfriend (now fiance) i never knew where the line was to over step it in disciplining her so i just kept my mouth shut.
to me she was just OH's daughter and i backed off but i knew it wasnt right.

thing is she could be so demanding and the way SD talked to her dad upset me...friday would come and i would feel anxious cos i knew i would end up sitting in the bedroom alone out of the way cos SD was running circles around us and i didnt dare to tell her to sit down and be quiet, i thought OH would be mad and SD wouldnt listen anyway.

SD didnt and still doesnt at times want to go out and play in the garden or in her bedroom with her toys, or with other children, there was a time when she just wanted to run in circles in the living room saying look at me daddy, i want this, take me here, i'm not eating that and it was hard to sit on the sidelines and watch OH run around granting SD's every wish and it used to anger me that he never ever said "no" to SD. not once, even if she had a drink, sandwich, chocolate bar, she would then say daddy take me to the shop i want some sweets and off he would go, if that was my daughter i would have said no but i thought to myself, look, he only sees his daughter once a week so leave him to it. i knew in a way she was taking advantage (as kids will do if they think they can) but i just didnt know how to react.
i eventually has a good talk with OH about how i felt and things are a million times better....i think he realised he was trying to make up for the fact he was a "weekend dad" by giving SD anything and everything to make her happy regardless of the fact she was becoming spoilt and eventually it would create a rod for his own back.

i'll admit at first at the weekends all i want to do is lounge about on the sofa with OH since he has been at work all week and it took a while but i realised it was pretty selfish of me, i might only see OH for a couple hours a day through the week but SD sees him less than that.. to be honest SD has calmed down loads now, especially since OH toughened up with her and i started being a stepmum and treating her like my own, actually getting involved rather than leaving it all to OH and funnily enough she behaves better for me now than her dad, she still tries to talk down to him when i am not there on occasion but he handles it a lot better rather than just giving in and doesnt let her get away with murder.
see i am a lot more strict than OH but i am fair and i think thats down to me having been through the spoilt 5 year old stage with my own daughter...she grew out of it pretty quickly too, it did make it that little bit harder tho as i know there's no way my daughter would talk to me the way SD did to OH, i am so used to calling the shots that keeping shtum was hard and would leave me in a foul mood.

luckily after discussing it properly i found that me and OH never had a problem with each other telling the kids off when they were in the wrong and I nor he would ever wrongfully tell any of them off, as a child with a step parent i felt like my stepdad hated me and i would never want SD to feel like that about me. prob why i was so reluctant to try with her.
to me OH is my daughters dad, the only one she has ever known and what ever he says goes as if i had said it. my daughther doesnt have a problem with this. he has never crossed the line but i was so worried about doing it with SD i didnt bother to step in at all and it made him think i didnt like SD which was untrue.
i was intimidated by her though as the way she used to talk to OH was really bad and she was so used to having her way i thought there's no way she will listen to me but how wrong i was....all she needed was me to show her a bit of affection and us to tell her NO, you cant behave this way and her whole attitude changed, now she is such a polite and loving little girl who is happy to do her own thing to an extent, listens when she is told she cant have something rather than crying for 20 minutes and its a pleasure to spend time with her, we do a lot more as a family at the weekends and it feels natural when she comes at the weekend. we are all looking forward to our new addition being born. life is pretty sweet (not taking into the account we have the psycho ex to deal with ofcourse)
although there is something that still gets my back up just a little....when my MIL takes SD for the night i see changes in her before she even leaves us. SD goes bac to being rather demanding and crying if she doesnt get her own way, i've noticed on several occasions when MIL comes. i still to this day back off around MIL i know i probably shouldn't but MIL thinks the way she does things is right and i dont want to rock the boat when sometimes i think she is wrong, for instance, my kids have to eat ALL of their dinner or no dessert. this includes SD obviously where as with MIL, SD has two bites and starts running around and they then tell her one more bite and she can leave it, then give her ice cream or dessert.
i feel this a) doesnt encourage SD to eat, when she is such an awkward eater as it is and b) undermimes OH and i and the hard work we put into parenting but what can you do eh? if OH wont say anything, i sure as hell wont. anyway thats about enough as this post is HUUUUUGE. if any of you read it and didnt think DAAAAMN i'm gunna skip that one then thanks lol. just noticed a lot of posts about step mummies writing they think they are horrible for dreading the weekends. i dont think we are horrible at all. i used to think i was but it was merely a communication breakdown that seemed to turn bad. x

 

[tallybee]

Hiya everyone :wave:

I've been offline a few days - it's good to come back and read everyone's posts, although many of them describe some really sad situations... All I can offer is empathy

Like people have said already, step parenting is so complicated, tough and it's so hard to offer anything constructive because every situation is so different. But thanks for all being here for these chats we have. Everyone needs some place to just say how we feel without the ignorant comments that emanate from people who don't have a clue.

When I read you ladies' posts on here there is so much I can relate to, it's so sad that these issues are in our lives but knowing there are people who can understand is so needed!

Big to everyone

xx

 

[TryingAfterMC]

Hi everyone I am new!! I have one 4 year old little boy with my dh and one 12 year old step-daughter whom her mother thinks we do not need any relationship as soon as she said this the visitations stopped and we only see her if she happens to be at my mother in law's at the same time we are. We have been through so much emotionally but we're taking it one day at a time now. Many prayers go out to other step-parents its such a hard job to tackle.