step parents support thread

[tallybee]

Hi everyone I am new!! I have one 4 year old little boy with my dh and one 12 year old step-daughter whom her mother thinks we do not need any relationship as soon as she said this the visitations stopped and we only see her if she happens to be at my mother in law's at the same time we are. We have been through so much emotionally but we're taking it one day at a time now. Many prayers go out to other step-parents its such a hard job to tackle.

:wave:

Hi, welcome to the group!
It is tough indeed.

It never stops getting me, the way these people make things shit for their children just to be awkward to the other parent. And we're the 'evil' ones... what a laugh.

xx

 

[daniellelk]

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[tallybee]

^ Ahhh yea the eating thing..... eesh...

I have always had a rule that kids should eat their main meal before getting a dessert. Simple - if you're not hungry enough for a nice dinner (I don't give them anything I wouldn't eat myself, in fact we eat mostly the same meals anyway and I do give them appropriately sized portions), then how do you have room for pudding.

And guess what... my kids eat their dinners. There's barely anything they won't eat - they will try anything and finish it as a rule. When OH first started coming round my place he couldn't believe the things I would cook for them, then his jaw really dropped when he saw they would devour it! His 2 have been brought up on complete shit, frozen crap and everything convenience. NOT that it's bad to use these things sometimes - I do - but all the time, and with them it even has to be particular brands They never finish their meals either. We always remind them that if they want a dessert they need to clear their plates, but it's not often they do even when the meal consists of the rubbish they will eat. Then it looks to the kids like we're favouring T and H cos they finish their dinners then get dessert.

Which causes issues when they are here... I wouldn't feed anyone else the cardboard they eat, and certainly don't want T and H getting into the ludicrous habits that J and S have. We tend to do something like this: Make them all the same essential thing, only J and S will get these horrendous microwaveable fries while OH and I, T and H have homemade potato wedges, homemade pizza for us who eat decent food and some frozen thing for J and S. We always offer them the stuff we're having and they always opt for the crap.

I have always said, since my eldest was tiny, that I am not going to be doing this ludicrous thing of cooking different meals to pander for fussiness because fussiness exists because of pandering. And look what happens.....

The thing is if we just offer what we're having, they'll say they're not hungry - then predictably go back to mum and say they didn't get anything to eat here

It surely is a task dealing with this when they are used to such cack.

Bitchfaces have such a multitude of nonsense to answer for

 

[pinkflamingo]

Hi everyone I am new!! I have one 4 year old little boy with my dh and one 12 year old step-daughter whom her mother thinks we do not need any relationship as soon as she said this the visitations stopped and we only see her if she happens to be at my mother in law's at the same time we are. We have been through so much emotionally but we're taking it one day at a time now. Many prayers go out to other step-parents its such a hard job to tackle.

Hi hun and welcome!

I am sorry that your dh is refused access to his daughter. Does MIL contact him when she has her granddaughter over or do you just see her if you happen to call over? If she as least spending time with her grandma then I guess this opens up a chance for you to go over and see her as opposed to if she was with her mum all the time. Has your DH taken legal guidance on getting access to his daughter on a regular basis? It seems like this is a 'normal' step that so many have to go through!

Ladies you may remember me mentioning a male friend who has recently split from his gf, (she left him actually and is now demanding marriage and him selling his house etc). Well she initially said that they would have their daughter (2 yrs) on alternate nights. I think this is wrong as she will have no routine and be passed backwards and forwards all the time. Anyway in the past 2 weeks dad has had her for 11 nights! She keeps texting him an hour or so before she is due to have her daughter and says she wants to go out that night and would he have her! He got fed up with this the other night and text her back saying she needed to sort herself out! She went mad and told him to bring her back as planned then, and he found out she had taken her to her mothers instead!

The dads mum is actually quite concerned about her behaviour. Even when she was living with my friend she met up with friends every day and NEVER spent any time on her own with her baby. We think that she doesn't know how to be alone with her daughter and so just doesn't spend any time with her at all. When he took her back to her mum in the week the little girl screamed and didn't want to go with her mum.

The mum has never struck me as being the sort to behave like this but worryingly I see so much potential for her to become the same as many other bitchfaces on here! I don't know what happens to these women!

Xx

 

[tallybee]

Oh pinkflamingo that sounds like a very tricky situation. It does make u worry for the LOs well being when whatever it is that happens to these women, happens and makes them act so unhinged



xx

 

[TryingAfterMC]

How do you change your current feeling???

 

[pinkflamingo]

How do you change your current feeling???

go right up to the top of the page and up above the 'Log Out' button it says 'currently feeling'. Click on 'change mood' which i think will be there if you haven't already chosen one, and then chose your mood from the drop down menu!

Hope that makes sense!!

xx

 

[tallybee]

So we're not seeing the boys for weeks now, OH had been old they were going to Ireland next week until the end of the hols (the schools go back on Aug 16th here), but he tried to arrange to have them this weekend and it turns out they've already gone



Not sure whether he got told wrong info on purpose or just misheard or got it wrong somehow, but still...

Pah.

xx

 

[pinkflamingo]

Oh tally that's rubbish hun. Actually we are similar in that after this weekend we won't have ss til middle of aug as he will be going away with his mum to see family abroad.
I do hope that it was your oh that had got his dates wrong and not that she had tricked him as that would just be horrible for the kids.
Hugs to you hun.

Xx

 

[daniellelk]

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[tallybee]

well we was supposed to be seeing LO in August, but word has it EX isn't coming back up...i'v heard through "friends parents" tho so may just be rumours, and we are STILL waiting for conformation that we can take LO on holiday in England somewhere after asking god know's how many time's and being ignored :/

Aw that's pretty poo hon I hope you get some communication soon!

It's pants not knowing what's going on.

Yea pinkflamingo I do hope OH had got it mixed up too, it's perfectly likely but I just can't help feeling that it may be something else... I feel terrible having these assumptions/feelings that it's always something sinister but it's just pure and simple experience of his ex and the whole situation that points me in that direction. to you too, it's hard not seeing them for longer times.

I'm sure the boys are having an ace time over there anyway, they're with a big extended family of their mum's side, loads of aunties, cousins, uncles and grandparents all live in this small village so it's great for them. Apparently they're there without their mum until the last 2 weeks when she gets off work and then she's joining them there.

 

[blaze777]

Sorry girls
just popping in for a rant really.
the dreaded EX is really getting on my nerves at the moment, using DH's kids as weapons! Telling them that we are having another baby to replace them She keeps cutting off contact and then bringing it back when she wants to. I really hate the woman and I've never even met her! She's filling his kids heads with rubbish and they're getting really upset and confused. I don't see how it is ok for her to have numerous bf's but dh, who is happily married gets all the shit for it

 

[tallybee]

Sorry girls
just popping in for a rant really.
the dreaded EX is really getting on my nerves at the moment, using DH's kids as weapons! Telling them that we are having another baby to replace them She keeps cutting off contact and then bringing it back when she wants to. I really hate the woman and I've never even met her! She's filling his kids heads with rubbish and they're getting really upset and confused. I don't see how it is ok for her to have numerous bf's but dh, who is happily married gets all the shit for it

Sorry you are having this! Exes can be the most hypocritical and generally frustrating people to deal with. They totally are exes for good reason

I know it's really tough but it's important to rise above it and try not to let them get to you, all you can do is show the kids that they are wanted and loved in your home and whenever you get to see them.

xx

 

[daniellelk]

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[lilbeanfolk]

Great thread! I'll throw mine in too.

I've got a 13 year old step daughter, a 19 month old son, and another boy on the way. Step parenting can be.... difficult to say the least! My step daughter is very spoiled and very attention seeking. I blame DH for that though, because he constantly baby's her. Not to only say bad things- she's a really great kid and I love her to death- but there are definitely days when I wish I wasn't a step parent. Is that awful to say? It's just that, as step parents, we're expected to treat our SO's children like our own, but pretty much have no say in how their raised. Well, that may be a bit of an exageration, but you get what I mean

It's also hard because I'm a bit younger than her dad. SD and I only have about 12 years difference between us (which made me the talk of the soccer field, LOL).

I've definitely gone through the jealousy thing. Not so much anymore, but at the beginning for sure! From what I can tell that's a pretty normal "step-parent emotion"

Not that I would change my family for anything in the world, though. We're just different I guess!

I'm so glad I found this thread!!! I've been in a state all day, crying and just upset because of the current situation. Then I saw your post and started crying all over again because THAT's ME!! I feel the same!!! I tried talking about this and getting support months ago in the 1st tri thread when I was in my 1st but got yelled at for being mean. I'm not mean, I'm just trying to do my best in a situation I NEVER thought I would be in.
The short of it... I'm 36, DH is 42, my stepdaughter is 17, we've been together 5 years. My DH's ex has larger of the custody rights so SD is with her during the week, we have her 2-3 weekend a month and spring break, part of summer etc. Well because of the ex's work schedule she wanted us to take her for most of the summer (well really she wanted us to fly her back and forth when it was convenient to her, which we said no unless you want to pay her airfare, we are in San Fran and she's in San Diego) so.... anyway the real problem is SD is an only child, spoiled in that she's not made to do anything she doesn't want to, chores are if she wants, she's very immature for her age, doesn't do anything on her own, has to still be told to bathe etc, she's got a smart mouth and in my eyes is very disrespectful. It's very very un-nerving because my DH doesn't see any problem. After a couple days of biting my tongue I'm ready to freak!!! Case in point, I was cooking some dessert (banana's foster) and it's a quick flambe thing, she's standing right behind me for no reason, think she wanted to see, but mult times asked her to go to the other side of the counter as she was in my way (mind you I'm also 5 months pregnant) by the third request I just turned around and said "I need you to get out of my kitchen" to which I got back "I don't see your name on it" after picking my jaw off the floor I shot back "well you better figure it out pretty soon if you want me to continue to cook all your meals for you", my DH just stood there like nothing was going on. So after two weeks of this.... I learn she is going to college next year and wants to come live with us and go to school, her answer to why is "because you need me", she says we'll need her help with the baby coming and all. Mind you she has NEVER babysat for anyone a day in her life. When I said that sounds great, so your going to help with the baby and babysit huh?? She says yes as long as someone helps me. Helps you??? Yeah, I don't do spit up and I won't change diapers!! WTF!!! You also don't pick up your room, don't clean kitchens, won't pick up after the dogs, won't do dishes, etc etc etc. So all I can see is my future of feeling beat up by this kid, I feel like it's not my home any more because around every corner I get snide smartass comments, and I'm supposed to work 12 hrs a day, take care of an infant, cook, clean, and add to that a 17 CHILD?? I'm just seeing years and years of this and I feel trapped. Ohhhhh sorry sorry for the long post, but it feels good to say it. I hope you guys don't think I am aweful, I can't talk to DH about this, it puts him in the middle, he loves her like mad, I love her too and want what is best for her, I just don't know how to reconcile this. Help???

 

[cowboys angel]

Just thought I'd join the step parents support thread.

I have a 7 year old stepdaughter, and a 3 month old daughter, plus two more stepkids that I have yet to meet. My OH hasn't met one of them, and hasn't seen the other in ten years thanks to vindictive birth moms.

 

[cowboys angel]

It's also hard because I'm a bit younger than her dad. SD and I only have about 12 years difference between us (which made me the talk of the soccer field, LOL).

There is 12 years between me and my SD as well. She is 7, I am 19. I am only 3 years older than my OH's first daughter from his first marriage, but I've never seen her. He hasn't seen her in 10 years thanks to a vindictive birthmom

 

[TheNewMrs]

Hey Girlies!
Ive been directed here by Tallybee,
So I'm going to join u girls if thats ok?

Hubby found out 2days before our wedding that he's a father.. Here's our story https://www.babyandbump.com/kids-teenagers/665608-any-step-mums-out-there.html

ALL advice is welcomed..... Many Thanks.

 

[tallybee]

:wave:

Welcome along folks, good to have you here!

I don't think you're being awful at all lilbeanfolk, it's unfortunate but many people who have never experienced a combined family situation are woefully ignorant of how messy and tough it can be and will just say blind things like 'well YOU are the adult' and berating us for having human feelings in an incredibly tricky situation. All of which just makes u feel all the more powerless and hopeless about it all... which in turn can make the situation 100x worse!

The thing with a situation like urs is if the father won't enforce discipline etc in your home then you really are onto a losing battle. There are all sorts of reasons they let things slide, from guilt to wanting their kid to love every minute of their time with him, to simply not knowing how to discipline (in my experience some men can be so used to the ex calling all the shots that he can't take control himself!)

It must be a particular challenge with skids so close in age to yourselves, ladies. I am only 14 years older than J, 18 years older than S, so I'd have been a very young mum to have had them myself but TBH we've not had issues with it.

I think there were some good answers on your thread already, TheNewMrs. It will be interesting to find out what others think too. I definitely think you should keep your TTC plans and just take things as they come. As your SS becomes part of your DH's life and then part of your family, things will evolve in their own way. You can't really set out with set plans/expectations of how things will be or your supposed role in it all because every situation is so different.

I do suggest having a proper chat with your DH about things though so that you guys can stay on the same page as it were, regarding parenting/stepparenting and get things kinda sussed out from the beginning. It would be a shame if he fell into the trap of spoiling his son through the novelty of getting to know him.guilt at not being there/whatever, as that could store up big issues for the future family setup once things move towards that.

All the best to everyone!

xx

 

[xpensivtaste]

^ Ahhh yea the eating thing..... eesh...

I have always had a rule that kids should eat their main meal before getting a dessert. Simple - if you're not hungry enough for a nice dinner (I don't give them anything I wouldn't eat myself, in fact we eat mostly the same meals anyway and I do give them appropriately sized portions), then how do you have room for pudding.

And guess what... my kids eat their dinners. There's barely anything they won't eat - they will try anything and finish it as a rule.

i totally agree with this. DD is a fantastic eater. she loves ALL her veg and eats proper meals, she even likes hot curries and puts my fiance to shame eating chilli lol she is only 9 but since being a baby i had her try new things all the time and got her involved with cooking it.
i am a bad eater because food was never enforced on me. my parents didnt make us try new things, i cant eat most veg but i do love fruit.
i hate the way i am now cos i struggle to eat healthily so i make sure my kids eat real food and stuff that is good for them.

i am trying my best to get my SD to try new things but OH tends to leave her to it and i cant force her, she wont try anything. she often says things like she tried it at her mummies and didnt like it but my guess is she hasnt since she only seems to eat processed junk.
any fruit veg or meat that isnt breadcrumbed or battered is completely off the menu for SD. she eats toast with jam or chocolate spread, cereal, soup, chips, turkey drummers and pizza and sometimes will pick at a sunday lunch if she has not gone back to her mums already, eating a little mash with gravy and perhaps a yorkshire pud but mainly will only eat junk, and even then she will only eat a few mouthfulls and wants chocolate and sweets after which i dont allow. i dont mind making her what she wants but it is quite frustrating. especially cooking a meal for me, OH and DD then cooking something completely different for SD. i have tried making us all the same but she will just sit and stare at the food and not taste it and i would rather her eat something rather than nothing. its pretty obvious SD has been fed on rubbish her whole life, stuff that pretends to be good for kids when really is no good at all and its just pure ignorance, parents thinking....oooh that will be quick and easy, make the kids smile cos its in the shape of a smiley face so i will buy that.
at DD's school they now have stuff like fresh samon, venison burgers, the works....fresh veg, fruit for desert...never chips on the menu apart from fridays! if schools can make a change on their crap budget why cant parents?
sorry lol i have ranted yet again.