step parents support thread

[cowboys angel]

My SD thankfully doesn't seem to notice how close in age we are, though she does know how old her daddy is and how old I am. I'll give it a few years for the hell to break loose.

I was lucky, my OH told my SD straight out that I am the mommy of the house and if I tell her to do something or I punish her and she doesn't like it, sucks to be her, he's not going to let her pit us against each other like she did with her birth mom, and he is going to back me no matter what.

That doesn't always necessarily happen as she has him wrapped around her fingers, and we both feel bad with her home situation right now, but it usually does.

My SD used to eat EVERYTHING! Now, since her mom is such a freaking picky eater and lets her say no to her and backtalk to her, we're dealing with picky eating, but our rule is you eat what you're given. I'm a little more lenient than my OH with this rule, if I know it's something she truly doesn't like and I watch her face and body language and can tell if she's faking/serious.

But our rule is what is served is what's for dinner and if you don't wanna eat it, fine, but you get nothing else for the rest of the night.

She sucks it up and eats, haha

 

[lilbeanfolk]

Tally - Thank you so much, it's true I got berated by others saying "you married into it" and "you're the adult act like it" and "I came from a broken home, I hated my step mother, just keep your nose out of their business", that last one irked me the most. I think everyone and every family is different, we can relate but never really know, it's more than just steps, ex's and husbands. Factor in work stress, family stress, financial issues and it all plays in. I think above all the struggles and tears we LOVE them, both our OH and their children and THAT is why it's hard, if we didn't care it wouldn't hurt and be difficult. I'm happy to say my hubbie and I talked yesterday, and he really was so great, thought be might be mad because I'm so worried about what the future is going to hold. I have never lived with a "kid" (granted she's older) in the house, it's really for the most part just been the two of us with visiting kids for 5 years!! So I'm nervous about what is going to change, so along with that is the worry about having my own child so... he was wonderful and understanding and just said lets keep talking about it whenever you feel this way, whatever problems you are having, we're in this together and we'll make it together. Ug, gonna cry again!! It brought it back to why I fell in love with him and started this whole journey. So... thank you for understanding and being a shoulder to cry on Tally!
Xpensive - I totally agree!!! I would get so irritated being told SD doesn't eat this or that, I'm not cooking two meals. Oddly enough I refused to make anything differently than I would normally, and she LOVES most everything and eats two to three helpings as her mother doesn't cook at home and only does take out or frozen meals. SD looks forward to being with us because "you cook and always have good food in the house" weird!! It's a little late for us with the trying new things, though she has tried Lobster and crab with our insistence (hated both, but more for us how's that for expensive tastes
Hugs to all and it feels great to have some gal pals with some of the same challenges!!

 

[tallybee]

its pretty obvious SD has been fed on rubbish her whole life, stuff that pretends to be good for kids when really is no good at all and its just pure ignorance, parents thinking....oooh that will be quick and easy, make the kids smile cos its in the shape of a smiley face so i will buy that.

xpensivtaste, you are 100% spot on there. I am regularly shocked by the utter garbage that people feed their kids not just occasionally but all the time. J and S are walking examples of how disgracefully that turns out - I suppose some people think they'll suddenly just want proper food once they're older, but J is 14 and still on a diet of that crap. S is 10 so still far more a child - but ffs.

When I was 8 years old I was capable (under supervision of course) of producing a nutritious home cooked spaghetti bolognese and a couple of other dishes. I believe kids these days are far too coddled and 'babied' and I believe that my mum's encouragement in the kitchen, for me to actually cook things, helped me hugely in trying things and eating a varied diet. Most kids today couldn't even boil an egg. The microwave is prime

Also I think taking things back to basics gets them interested in food, we've always grown cress and things and now we have our proper veg patch I can ask the kiddos to go get a lettuce, some chives, whatever we need to go with a meal. They are genuinely proud that we eat from our own garden.

Sorry that was a bit of a tangent, proper nutrition and proper food is a passion of mine!

But our rule is what is served is what's for dinner and if you don't wanna eat it, fine, but you get nothing else for the rest of the night.

She sucks it up and eats, haha

cowboys angel, that's how it is here. The kitchen is 100% closed for anyone that wasn't up for eating dinner!
Only The Skids aren't here enough for them to really take on board the way things work in our house. The most they stay is overnight, and they will just generally wait it out until they go back to mum and raid her cupboards for garbage to eat after refusing what we have. They've also been known to come here with their overnight bags chock full of junk food that she's clearly loaded them up with so the poor darlings don't starve Ignorance!

lilbeanfolk, no problem, it's important to know that others understand People who say those things are blissfully ignorant and should keep their mouths shut, but for one reason or another seem to think they are an authority on how all step parents should be. Yes we knew our men had children already when we met him, but that doesn't mean we chose the situation. We fell in love with him and embraced everything that came with, and in so many cases that means muddling through and doing as best we can in a very difficult and confusing situation. We are human too! My OH also knew when we met that I had my children already and he fell in love with them too - but when things have gotten tough (yep, you've guessed it - MY ex!) I have never blamed him for feeling frustrated, powerless, and all the things that we all feel at times when complication rears up.

You are right as well that it's our love for them that makes it so hard. All the bullshit we've been through - it would have been so much easier to just walk away. Many times........ but we don't, because the love is strong. OH still doesn't understand that I do love his boys... I don't have the kind of role he does with my 2 because they live with their mum and only visit us, whereas my 2 live with us full time with no influence from fob whatsoever. But I do love them to bits and wish they were here a lot more... they deserve their dad's input beyond the huge sums of money she gets each month and the mum's poison would perhaps be less monopolistic in their minds then.

I'm so glad you and DH have had a good talk about things. It's so important
It will always be a challenge taking on an older child, when you have your own you grow with them and learn as they grow. Obviously this won't be possible for either of you with his son but with the right kind of approach and good open minded communication it's totally possible to make things great! It sounds like your man is very receptive, open and caring hon - there is no better way to be! All the best!

Wow that turned into a pretty long post

Take care everyone and remember we can only do our best - and that being what we do, anyone wishing to criticise can shove off!



xx

 

[RiverSong]

Hello i kinda lurk on this thread/ try and reply to other step threads. But i wanted to share some experiences

I have a ss who is 12. He is wonderful really apart from eating wise. He used to (before i put my foot down) gorge on any junk food he could find in the house. Im talking, he would eat a full large chocolate bar for breakfast before we got up, lie, then not eat breakfast.

Or he would munch through an entire six pack of crisps over two days.

The final straw for me was last summer when knocked up with lo, i bought a ten pack of pre made ice lollies. I went to get one, but ss had munched them all... Ten lollies in less than four hours!!

OH used to rationalise it by saying he gets junk here because he gets none at his mums house, which i know isnt true she feeds him a balanced diet which happens to mean fruit for desserts?

Anyway the way i got oh and ss out of it was financially. I told oh i was no longer replacing the junk/buying it in he was to. And if there was nothing for his packed lunches/ snacks then so be it. At least ss got his junk fix eh

 

[cowboys angel]

Glad I'm not alone in this. I love my SD to death, I truly do, but sometimes I swear... She pulls the "well you're not eating it." There's a difference. I'm an adult, I know what I truly do and do not like....AND I will try new things. She's little though (7) so that's hard for her to grasp. Often I just say "cuz I'm the mommy" which feels unfair but I'm sorry, some things I just can't eat and I won't accept "I don't like it" without her even trying!

 

[tallybee]

^ Yeah kids need to understand that the adults in the house are in fact in charge and they are not!

RiverSong, wow that's some junk food habit! Seems like you found a practical solution though - if it's not there it can't be taken!

xx

 

[pinkflamingo]

Welcome to all the new posters! I have not had a chance to catch up on all the recent postsbut will do so over next couple of days. Its def been getting busy in here which is great!

Dh and I have many discussions over the weekend about discipline when it comes to ss. I told him to clear up after himself when we stayed with relatives at the weekend and he igbored me. I told him again and he made a pitiful attempt and then walked off when I wasn't looking. I wasn't going to go mad in front of everyone and to be honest I have been getting fed up with his 'teenage' behaviour of late. We havenr helped ourselves in that he has chores to do at his mums and has never had anything at ours. Now I have spoken to dh and said he clearly thinks he gets a free ride when he is with us so it has to change. He is 13 now and needs to be more responsible than he is when he with us.
Dh explained that he will have to do chores to earn his pocket money from the end of the summer and he got really stroppy! He said he was annoyed as 'if he did something wrong then he would be punished by losing money'!! I had to point out that this is what life was about, and that there was a consequence to everything we did! Kind of thought he knew that as his mum had taken money off his birthday money for him being cheeky the day before his birthday!

The tough love chapter begins!!!

 

[lilbeanfolk]

Pinkflamingo - that sounds so familiar!! When Dh and I got together and started to live together when we were engaged I had to put my foot down about not being the cook and maid in the house when SD didn't do A THING when she was with us. We don't pay for chores, they are part of being a family and living in a house. With time and persistence it's gotten much better and she actually looks forward to it, because she said it makes her feel useful. Hang tough mom!!

 

[pinkflamingo]

Lilbeanfolk I agree that we just have to persevere! We explained that certain chores are expected and like you said just a normal part of living in a household. What we have given him is the choice to earn his pocket money by doing extra chores. Basically it will be up to him whether he does these extra ones and whether or not he wants to earn any money. There are school kids in our village who have after school paper rounds at his age, so if others can earn their money he needs to understand that it doesn't just get handed out at will anymore. He has had pocketmoney given to him for several years but now he is a teenager he needs to learn the value of money (which he has no concept of) which will only help him later in life.

Its scary to think that he will be an adult in 5 years time!!

 

[mskellydenise]

Hi netty, thanks for kicking off this thread! Much needed IMO. I think it may be helpful to link to this thread from others when needed

I have DS7 and DD5, OH has DS14 and DS10 from previous relationships. Mine live with us, his do not. We were TTC our own together but have put that on hold for the time being due to the extreme stress of things in our lives at the moment - a big part of which is his shit of an ex.

In my experience of 'step parenting' (OH and I cannot get married because his shit of an 'ex' refuses to divorce him until she gets all the money, leaving us in severe debt) it's the ex that is the issue; any problems the kids have pale in insignificance compared to the twisted, malicious stream of evil that come from the ex. I find that incredibly difficult to comprehend, given that although she's trying to hurt us (OH and I), we are grown-ups and can place her crap in a box and bury it. The real victims in it all are the children, although her cries of 'but the children!!' are all too common when she doesn't get her way.

All this stuff really does slaughter my faith in humanity's decency; after all the adults should be old enough to know better. It's made us almost split up more than once.

Having said all this... the actual children are great. If that woman ever gets her clutches loosened, and we actually get to see the boys she uses as meal tickets, then happy will be the day! I can deal with their ludicrously picky eating etc etc, just not their mother

I'd love to hear some happier stories of step parenting, as mine have been dogged by the blackness of the bitter ex.

xx

I know the feeling all too well...my SS mother is the same way as your OH's ex...at one point it was causes problems in our relationship...i kept telling my OH she wanted him back be was to naive to see it...once she finally found something willing to put up with her psychotic behavior things have been much better...I still think shes crazy but I'm assuming she uses her crazy on her current BF instead of me and OH..lol...SS is great...he and my daughter get along wonderfully...one day they agreed that they would tell everyone they are brother and sister

 

[cowboys angel]

We have a bitter psycho ex too.

She took my OH to court yesterday cuz she wants to move SD across the country and leave us with very little visitation. (She wants the school year, we get 2 months in the summer.)

At one point the judge asked her if she'd be happy if it was reversed, we got 10 months she got 2 and SHE started paying US child support. The judge was trying to make a point that it was unfair as we take advantage of all our visitation and we have a strong relationship with SD.

Crazy ex said yes! O_O

So now that that statement is on court record, we're hopefully going to try for custody again cuz we want her out of that house. Any child needs their mom, but there's a point where a line is crossed and it's worse for the child to be in contact with their birthmom than it is beneficial for them to be on contact and we're riding right along that line right now.

Drugs, felonies, and everything else going on over there...we just want SD safe.

 

[lilbeanfolk]

Lilbeanfolk I agree that we just have to persevere! We explained that certain chores are expected and like you said just a normal part of living in a household. What we have given him is the choice to earn his pocket money by doing extra chores. Basically it will be up to him whether he does these extra ones and whether or not he wants to earn any money. There are school kids in our village who have after school paper rounds at his age, so if others can earn their money he needs to understand that it doesn't just get handed out at will anymore. He has had pocketmoney given to him for several years but now he is a teenager he needs to learn the value of money (which he has no concept of) which will only help him later in life.

Its scary to think that he will be an adult in 5 years time!!

Oh how true, I have to say most teenagers I know now a days have NO concept of working for their keep!! I started babysitting at 11, had a job by 14 to pay for dance classes and a real tax paying job starting at 16, I've NEVER been without a job since then!! My SD was told by her parents over and over while growing up that as long as she was in school and playing sport she didn't need to work. I totally disagree with this, DH and I've talked about it and he has changed his mind on that since the divorce. My personal opinion is that having a job teaches kids responsibility, social skills, and budgeting. If/when SD comes to live with us while she's going to college she's already been told you WILL get a job, part time, it will work around your school schedule, but she will be expected to pay for her gas and help with the insurance on her car. In turn we'll pay for school, books, clothes, food etc. She had a look of shock for a bit, but then wanted to know how soon she could start, kids want to learn how to be independent. It does them no good to keep them dependent on you and scared of what is out in the world, how are they supposed to learn to interview, or customer service. Her mom wants her to wait until she's done with college, she'd be 23 or older looking for her FIRST job?? Come on! On a different note... it's interesting to see a person have different convictions and views depending on the family/person they are with. DH and his ex had quite a few different views on raising children than I do, it scared me at first when we would talk about it. But I've come to realize as a team DH and I come to terms with how we believe kids should be raised and how our household will run. It's a process for sure!

 

[tallybee]

I know the feeling all too well...my SS mother is the same way as your OH's ex...at one point it was causes problems in our relationship...i kept telling my OH she wanted him back be was to naive to see it...once she finally found something willing to put up with her psychotic behavior things have been much better...I still think shes crazy but I'm assuming she uses her crazy on her current BF instead of me and OH..lol...SS is great...he and my daughter get along wonderfully...one day they agreed that they would tell everyone they are brother and sister

Thanks hon OH and I have often wondered how things would change if his ex got a new partner! Hmmm! It hasn't come up yet though.

We have a bitter psycho ex too.

She took my OH to court yesterday cuz she wants to move SD across the country and leave us with very little visitation. (She wants the school year, we get 2 months in the summer.)

At one point the judge asked her if she'd be happy if it was reversed, we got 10 months she got 2 and SHE started paying US child support. The judge was trying to make a point that it was unfair as we take advantage of all our visitation and we have a strong relationship with SD.

Crazy ex said yes! O_O

So now that that statement is on court record, we're hopefully going to try for custody again cuz we want her out of that house. Any child needs their mom, but there's a point where a line is crossed and it's worse for the child to be in contact with their birthmom than it is beneficial for them to be on contact and we're riding right along that line right now.

Drugs, felonies, and everything else going on over there...we just want SD safe.

Holy crap... I hope you guys can get somewhere with the custody thing. It's one thing knowing a kid is with an unhinged parent when they are close enough to keep an eye on, but across the States?? no way... Well she's said that in front of the judge now - which can only weaken her case and strengthen yours!

pinkflamingo and lilbeanfolk I do believe you are spot on with the chores/jobs. It's bloody ridiculous the way some folk expect their kids to manage in the real world when they've been bubble-wrapped away from any responsibility until an age where it's harder to learn. It's just common sense isn't it....? Common?? That's a bit of a misnomer isn't it, common sense seems to be getting rarer all the time!!
My OH has also changed a lot of his notions about parenting since being with me. They can learn!!

 

[TheNewMrs]

Girls Girls Girls!
So it appears my SS-Mum is dead set on making life difficult for me... I just don't understand this at all.... She didnt want my hubby when she had him, shes only seen him ONCE in 6 years which was on Saturday and she's already out with her big wooden spoon stirring it all up.....

I've been posting it all on the one thread to keep it together, but hopefully someone has a similar situation and could advise me please? Im doing all I can to keep my mouth shut at the moment...

Heres my thread,.... https://www.babyandbump.com/kids-teenagers/665608-any-step-mums-out-there.html#post11690483

 

[tallybee]

Have posted in your thread hon. I really do think you and DH need to show her you are united and not to be fucked with. Any reaction at all will fuel her psycho bullshit. Massive hugxx

 

[cowboys angel]

I know the feeling all too well...my SS mother is the same way as your OH's ex...at one point it was causes problems in our relationship...i kept telling my OH she wanted him back be was to naive to see it...once she finally found something willing to put up with her psychotic behavior things have been much better...I still think shes crazy but I'm assuming she uses her crazy on her current BF instead of me and OH..lol...SS is great...he and my daughter get along wonderfully...one day they agreed that they would tell everyone they are brother and sister

Thanks hon OH and I have often wondered how things would change if his ex got a new partner! Hmmm! It hasn't come up yet though.

We have a bitter psycho ex too.

She took my OH to court yesterday cuz she wants to move SD across the country and leave us with very little visitation. (She wants the school year, we get 2 months in the summer.)

At one point the judge asked her if she'd be happy if it was reversed, we got 10 months she got 2 and SHE started paying US child support. The judge was trying to make a point that it was unfair as we take advantage of all our visitation and we have a strong relationship with SD.

Crazy ex said yes! O_O

So now that that statement is on court record, we're hopefully going to try for custody again cuz we want her out of that house. Any child needs their mom, but there's a point where a line is crossed and it's worse for the child to be in contact with their birthmom than it is beneficial for them to be on contact and we're riding right along that line right now.

Drugs, felonies, and everything else going on over there...we just want SD safe.

Holy crap... I hope you guys can get somewhere with the custody thing. It's one thing knowing a kid is with an unhinged parent when they are close enough to keep an eye on, but across the States?? no way... Well she's said that in front of the judge now - which can only weaken her case and strengthen yours!

pinkflamingo and lilbeanfolk I do believe you are spot on with the chores/jobs. It's bloody ridiculous the way some folk expect their kids to manage in the real world when they've been bubble-wrapped away from any responsibility until an age where it's harder to learn. It's just common sense isn't it....? Common?? That's a bit of a misnomer isn't it, common sense seems to be getting rarer all the time!!
My OH has also changed a lot of his notions about parenting since being with me. They can learn!!

I just don't know how she could say that! It would kill me to be so far from my DD no matter what the situation. No matter her age. But at 7?? No way. My DD being across town with my parents kills me, let alone any further...

She is now taking us to court for permission to move across the state and into a new school district...we're hoping to counter with 'well we'll just take her' and see what the judge says.

 

[TheNewMrs]

Have posted in your thread hon. I really do think you and DH need to show her you are united and not to be fucked with. Any reaction at all will fuel her psycho bullshit. Massive hugxx

Yea, you are right, shes insisting on sending him text messages at stupid o clock every night. She called him the other day as he was suppoed to see DS today and said "oh I have a wedding this Sat we cant make the visit"!!!

Is she FOR REAL??

Hubby was so upset!! , To be honest I am pretty upset too, I hate to see parents using kids to try to "out-do" one another. Nobody gains, and its the kid that suffers..

Seriously! Women like her sound not be allowed to have kids.

Hubbys solicitor has applied for an emergency hearing at the courts to have her eliminated from access.... Here's to prayin!!

Oh what a joy it would be to not have to deal with her at all....

 

[daniellelk]

-

 

[tallybee]

Hi everyone, I've been offline for a couple of days as we've had guests and been showing them around Edinburgh and the like.

I really want to offer massive to everyone, it sounds like some of your situations are getting more difficult for sure.

All we can do is carry on regardless really, doing the right things as we see fit and at least be able to rest with a clear conscience. Those bitter pain-in-the-arse exes certainly can't claim to do that.

 

[lilbeanfolk]

Daniel - geez, sorry your having to go through that, what a total pain!!! I know my DH is looking forward to when his daughter turns 18 as he thinks that will slow down the snarky emails and ex issues. I have a feeling it won't as according to SD she wants to move in with us and go to college... should be an interesting year... the ex keeps telling SD that it wouldn't be a good idea for her to come here because she handles things so much better and it would be difficult for us to take care of her, WTF!!??? Stating we'd have difficulty getting her on our insurance and getting her car insurance, whatever all it takes is a phone call. But I DO have a feeling we won't get a penny, even though if she's living with us and going to school she SHOULD pay child support but I'm possitive DH won't fight for it even though every LITTLE thing we get "you owe me money for..." even if it's like $12 she will insist we send out a check the same day, even though we pay child support, pay for sports, and pay for the airline tickets to fly her roundtrip to visit. Exes are a constant source of entertainment that's for sure!!

Hope all goes well at court for you, hang in there.