step parents support thread

[TheNewMrs]

Hey Girls!
So Hubby is off to see his DS tomorrow, for the second time, him and the little man are going swimming, which to my disappointment will still be supervised my babymomma... Thankfully though, the text messages have stopped.. for now!

I am just hoping and praying for September to get here so visits wont have to be supervised and I can FINALLY meet my SS in person...

Is it only me who feels slightly insecure about the fact my husband made a baby with this very aggressive woman and I really do feel intimidated by her even though we havent actually met. I have seen her in court but she never spoke to me, nor did I make an effort either. I just feel like shes doing anything to get back into his life. And yes, I know its not ACTUALLY about me at all... But I cant help feeling this way.

 

[cowboys angel]

I understand

 

[lilbeanfolk]

That is sad indeed hon

I will bet you a major reason the ex doesn't want your SD to move out is the child support part of the equation.... presumably it would stop completely if SD lived with neither parent - and SHE would have to pay if SD lived with you guys

I am sure if/when SD moves in with you guys things will be fine. I think you and DH just need to make sure ground rules are placed from the outset, and keep comms open between yourselves - to make sure you are both consistent and fair at all times

It will always be a challenge when an older steppie comes into our life or moves in, because we haven't had the chance to grow with them. But challenges are good

You'll be fine

All Tally you're so sweet thank you!! Challenges are good, we've started setting the ground rules this summer, and I'm happy to say it's overall working out very very well. It's actually been a very pleasant time getting to know each other better. Thanks again for the support, it means a lot.

 

[TryingAfterMC]

Who here is with a dh who has visitation rights but his kid never comes around you. We have been though hell, in the beginning shelling out money doing birthday parties and so on while BM did nothing and got her nothing well now that her elder sister drives she completely ignores that we exist because she can now go mall hopping weekly with Sis! I hated it at first but now I'm just thankful we aren't shelling out the money plus having to pay child support.. I regret going to the extent we did for her.. maxing out his credit card and no we didn't spoil her we just were forced to do the things her mom should have been doing they would make us school shop every year cause BM didn't drive but shed never give her money to take with her!! I felt so used but then I had enough and told him not another penny goes on her!! but like I said by then she completely ignored us anyway... oh and BM refuses to allow SD to have any relationship with me period. Shes expected to hate me and she has but things are a lot better now. Even though she still got her way and stayed with mommy dearest and not ever with us. It has been a long bumpy road and I was torn up over it for a long time but I'm happy to say I live my own life now and her problems and drama don't concern me or bring me down. Being a stepmom is terribly hard but I really don't consider myself one now cause I don't play the role any longer I couldn't be more happy about that.

 

[lilbeanfolk]

Trying - I'm sorry to hear you have had such a hard time. I don't think the steps and the DH's ever really realize how emotional and stressful it is for us. We try our best to be there, but not too intrusive, but we care, it's a tough situation. I hope everything is for the best now, and congratulations on your pregnancy!!

 

[pinkflamingo]

Trying - I am sorry that you have had a difficult time with things. How old is your sd? My ss is 13 and dh and I both know that at the moment he knows that there is a routine which has to be followed as his mum makes plans around the weekends that he is due to be with us, and so he has no choice but to be with us. We expect that as he becomes an older teen that he will come over less and less and will want to stay at home because then he can spend the daytimes hanging out with his friends and basically becoming a little more independent as time goes by. Of course it will be a shame, but this is what being a parent is about, and on the occasions that he has phoned and said he doesn't want to come over as there is a birthday party or a school disco etc, we have never told him that he has to, and have been happy that he has friends and interests of his own.

The fact that you have suffered with the bm preventing a relationship with your sd is not right and a shame for her and you. My ss mum has always been exceedingly negative to ss, but about me and his dad which makes it worse. The way we look at it is that very quickly these kids will grow up and be able to make and voice their own opinions and decisions. We have never said a bad word about his mum to him, we have been honest about things that she has done or said that have impacted him, but we have never slagged her off at all.

Thankfully it is less than 5 years until we need never have to have contact with that woman again!!! yay!!!!!!

xxx

 

[TheNewMrs]

I understand

Thank you so much! I know I dont have anything to worry about, but Ive seen how vindictive she is and how down right nasty she can . Hubby told his lawyer that he wants to introduce the little man to me in September, when visits are no longer supervised, Im pretty excited about that but at the same time I know I need to set myself up for a hostile reception.

For my husband and the kid I want to be able to have a good relationship with his DS, I know what its like to grow up with a One-Day-A-Week-Dad, and I'd never want that for any child. We want this kid to be a massive part of our lives, we all live in the same town and there's no reason why we shouldnt. I just feel so intimidated my BabyMoma This is such an emotional roller-coaster!

 

[cowboys angel]

I understand

Thank you so much! I know I dont have anything to worry about, but Ive seen how vindictive she is and how down right nasty she can . Hubby told his lawyer that he wants to introduce the little man to me in September, when visits are no longer supervised, Im pretty excited about that but at the same time I know I need to set myself up for a hostile reception.

For my husband and the kid I want to be able to have a good relationship with his DS, I know what its like to grow up with a One-Day-A-Week-Dad, and I'd never want that for any child. We want this kid to be a massive part of our lives, we all live in the same town and there's no reason why we shouldnt. I just feel so intimidated my BabyMoma This is such an emotional roller-coaster!

Yeah. I love my SD to death...and am intimidated by SD's mom. She hates me, and when I was pregnant, every time I saw her, all I could think of was if she saw me she might try to do something. I was having an awful pregnancy, hanging on by a thread for 6 months to this child, and I just thought she would maybe hit my stomach or something?

She hates me with a passion.

 

[TheNewMrs]

I understand

Thank you so much! I know I dont have anything to worry about, but Ive seen how vindictive she is and how down right nasty she can . Hubby told his lawyer that he wants to introduce the little man to me in September, when visits are no longer supervised, Im pretty excited about that but at the same time I know I need to set myself up for a hostile reception.

For my husband and the kid I want to be able to have a good relationship with his DS, I know what its like to grow up with a One-Day-A-Week-Dad, and I'd never want that for any child. We want this kid to be a massive part of our lives, we all live in the same town and there's no reason why we shouldnt. I just feel so intimidated my BabyMoma This is such an emotional roller-coaster!

Yeah. I love my SD to death...and am intimidated by SD's mom. She hates me, and when I was pregnant, every time I saw her, all I could think of was if she saw me she might try to do something. I was having an awful pregnancy, hanging on by a thread for 6 months to this child, and I just thought she would maybe hit my stomach or something?

She hates me with a passion.

I dont understand it though, I mean whats the issue if Ive never done anything to her like?

 

[cowboys angel]

Well, with my OH's ex, her problem is that I'm with him. She doesn't want him anymore (obviously) but doesn't want to relinquish her claim on him either.

 

[tallybee]

to everyone

OH's ex HATES me too, she has never met me even though I have been the one to collect the boys back when she still expected free childcare every work shift she did One time J was in floods of tears saying he didn't want to go with me, and it was left up to his younger brother to say so, the bloody woman wouldn't even come out the house to comfort him never mind discuss what should happen

It is a simple case of 'well YOU have HIM so I hate you' even though their marriage was a fucking joke and they couldn't stand each other even when they were together. Fair enough it was really fast us getting together but FFS. Move on woman! We have been together 2.5 years now and nothing's changed!

 

[cowboys angel]

^^ditto

The last post in my WTT journal is an explanation of how me and OH got together, and a rundown of his 4 children and our *mostly his* past...my past will be left out for the time being unless someone asks for it. But it anyone is curious about my other Step Children I haven't mentioned, or anything, the link is in my signature.

 

[TheNewMrs]

So after an insightful read of Cowboys Angel's diary I decided to start one myself which would explain everything!

Its in my signature but I dont think I linked it properly, anyway... I just thought Id let all you step-parents know!

 

[cowboys angel]

Ooh! I'll read it!

 

[tallybee]

Thanks for the links ladies

 

[chattyB]

Thread Newbie!

Hi all, I've been introduced to this thread by Tally, (hi Tally!)

Hubby and I have been married for 2yrs, together for 6. I have 3 children from a previous marriage, 2 girls of 16 and 8, a son of 11. Hubby has 3 children from a previous marriage - 2 sons aged 19 and 13 and a girl of 16.

Being a step-parent has got to be the hardest, most stressful thing I've ever endured - basically because of hubby's ex (they've been divorced for 10yrs). She took everything in the divorce. Including all annual leave he's allowed from work - she's engineered it so that he has the kids EVERY time he's got holiday, meaning it's impossible for him to have a holiday without them.

His children are out of control - they are completely spoiled, have been raised with no discipline, no manners, no respect ect. Eg, the oldest has been convicted of driving without a license, stealing a car (his mums), drunk driving and driving without insurance. His daughter has been drinking since 13, his youngest has aspergers which obviously is challenging in itself but is apparently the excuse for ALL of his behaviour.

The kids are all now larger than both their mum and dad and any type of attempt at discipline ends up in verbal or physical abuse. They're over at least every other weekend.
It's a fabulous weekend if I have one day where I'm not at least verbally abused. I send my own kids to their dads, purely to protect them.

Hubby's ex (psychob1tch from hell) constantly turns everything around to being hubby's fault and claims poverty to the kids despite working and having no mortgage plus the 2k per month maintenance. In reality, she shouldve been raising them properly instead of crying into her coffee about the "unfairness of life". I'm convinced the "woman" (term used very lightly) has narcissistic personality disorder.

Hubby and I have nearly split up on numerous occasions and although he's had a vasectomy reversal, it's making me think twice about bringing a new baby into the world.

If I knew then, what I know now - I would never have started a relationship with a man who had kids. I'm just counting down the weeks until his youngest is old enough not to have to come over every other weekend.

I may sound bitter - I AM bitter! I'm sick of being controlled by his ex and feeling that step-kids needs and wants are far more important than my marriages, my own and my children's needs.

Hubby is next to useless, he refuses to stand up to his ex's ridiculous demands and feels powerless to stop his kids behaviour - even if he tries, they run to their mum and their mum kicks off. I actually find it easier to leave the house on the weekends they're over now as the kids feel perfectly entitled to do/say what they want to me/about me and nothing is done about it. I've tried countless times in the past to change things but I end up the "bad one" - I miss my husband on the weekends I'm away but my attitude is that because he doesn't back me up when the kids start, they're HIS problem.

Sorry for the rant! I'm sure I would cope with everything much better if the kids were normal and I only had a nasty ex to deal with.

 

[cowboys angel]

All I can say is "Wow!" and offer

You are a very strong woman.

 

[tallybee]

Hi chatty, glad to see you over on this thread :wave:

Wow hon I know we had chatted a little bit about our situations over in VR but I hadn't realised just how bad it is for u I thought my OH was useless at standing up to the ex. He's a lot better at it now (2.5 years with me behind him ) and although we have our problems I have never felt banished from my own home or that my kids are not safe around his

I agree with cowboys angel, you must be incredibly strong to cope with this - I have been told I am strong but I never feel it and being in your situation would just have me broken.

And still WE are somehow the evil ones!

I can't tell you about your situation hon but I think it'd be really sad to allow other peoples' behaviour to stop you TTC particularly after your husband having the reversal... it must be so tough for you.

I know this will sound awful, but there is only so long that those kids keep him (and you) tied to that ex... once they're 18 (16 if they go off to live independently/have their own job by then) there is nothing she can do... no effed-up contact orders, no maintenance, none of her biz! Bad as it sounds we do keep that thought in our minds when we are getting particularly ludicrous crap off OH's ex.

For the time being it's just a case of never feeling like anything is quite settled - then we're never surprised by the next round of bullcrap we are dealt!

xx

 

[chattyB]

I think I just had a bad weekend, last weekend . Hubby bought me 4 tickets to see Westlife for mothers day (which was Saturday eve). I decided to take my two daughters ... It was also stepkids weekend.

We had a fabulous night, got home and discovered his daughter having a Cinderella moment and started screaming "this house is disgusting and dirty, what does SHE do all day?" whilst attempting to mop an area of kitchen floor. It transpires that they'd wound the dog up to the point that he was sick on the kitchen floor - hence the mop. Now, I keep the house neat and tidy but looking after a large 7 bed house with his kids running around leaving everything at their backsides is damn hard work, I tend to leave it and tidy when they go home. I was in the hallway when this happened so I put my daughters to bed and went to bed myself. Hubby said nothing to her (predictable). I decided to make a childish? Point on Monday morning when tidying and put all of SDs things she'd left around, straight into the bin.

On Sunday, I was called all the B****** under the sun by his youngest for turning over the TV whilst he was eating his tea. The programme he was watching was completely unsuitable and was a recording. He'd been refusing to move from the tv room for 3hrs by this point. My youngest was in tears, he was sent to his room but refused, was asked to apologise but refused, they were then picked up by their mum. I was naturally fuming and have decided that the tv remote and sky card deserve a holiday! They'll be packed into my bag and off to my mums place when the SKs are over next.

It was a particularly bad weekend as my youngest stayed at home due to the concert but that really doesn't excuse SKs behaviour.

I've decided that maybe the best way is to lower myself to their level and dish out my own particular style of step-kid discipline. I'm pretty sure the "not acceptable" message will be heard loud and clear in a few weeks as SD finds her shoes, sunglasses, earrings and magazines have been binned, and SS finds he can't watch TV at all! (I'll be away that weekend for nephews christening)

 

[cowboys angel]

Good luck