step parents support thread

[lilbeanfolk]

I think I just had a bad weekend, last weekend . Hubby bought me 4 tickets to see Westlife for mothers day (which was Saturday eve). I decided to take my two daughters ... It was also stepkids weekend.

We had a fabulous night, got home and discovered his daughter having a Cinderella moment and started screaming "this house is disgusting and dirty, what does SHE do all day?" whilst attempting to mop an area of kitchen floor. It transpires that they'd wound the dog up to the point that he was sick on the kitchen floor - hence the mop. Now, I keep the house neat and tidy but looking after a large 7 bed house with his kids running around leaving everything at their backsides is damn hard work, I tend to leave it and tidy when they go home. I was in the hallway when this happened so I put my daughters to bed and went to bed myself. Hubby said nothing to her (predictable). I decided to make a childish? Point on Monday morning when tidying and put all of SDs things she'd left around, straight into the bin.

On Sunday, I was called all the B****** under the sun by his youngest for turning over the TV whilst he was eating his tea. The programme he was watching was completely unsuitable and was a recording. He'd been refusing to move from the tv room for 3hrs by this point. My youngest was in tears, he was sent to his room but refused, was asked to apologise but refused, they were then picked up by their mum. I was naturally fuming and have decided that the tv remote and sky card deserve a holiday! They'll be packed into my bag and off to my mums place when the SKs are over next.

It was a particularly bad weekend as my youngest stayed at home due to the concert but that really doesn't excuse SKs behaviour.

I've decided that maybe the best way is to lower myself to their level and dish out my own particular style of step-kid discipline. I'm pretty sure the "not acceptable" message will be heard loud and clear in a few weeks as SD finds her shoes, sunglasses, earrings and magazines have been binned, and SS finds he can't watch TV at all! (I'll be away that weekend for nephews christening)

Oh honey!! Wow!! I can't say I've ever been in your shoes but I feel for you. Steps are tough enough, but to have that horrible behavior and not get backed up from hubbie = unexceptable!!! DH and I have had plenty of conversations over the years of what I deam exceptable behavior and what he does, even if he isn't bothered by the smart alick comments, I am so... he's started backing me up on cutting it off. Thankfully SD is a good kid and really just wants to be loved so... changing behavior hasn't been too hard. I'm sorry Chatty, wish I had some sage advise, all I can think of is lots and lots of spa days!!

 

[tallybee]

^ chattyB I can't believe what you put up with

I agree with lilbeanfolk, your man not backing you up is just wrong.

I don't think binning their mess is a bad idea actually. If you tell them next time they arrive at yours that there are some new rules, including that anything left out will be binned, then they have been warned and thus have no grounds for complaint when it happens! (Of course they WILL complain, but they need to be shown that you WILL carry out what you say, it's the only way they'll learn!)

xx

 

[cowboys angel]

^^WSS

 

[Lownthwaite]

Hi ladies............rant alert!!!

This weekend we have had MIL and family friend over from Northern Ireland for a visit. It was also my birthday on the sunday so been fairly hectic.

MIL arrived on friday afternoon so DH call his ex to see if she could drop SS off that evening instead of Saturday as usual so he could spend more time with his granny. Ex said no problem (thankfully we no longer have issues in that department!) - must admit I wasn't thrilled at having him 20 hours earlier than normal but figured it would be nice for him and MIL.

Well he has spent ALL weekend wetting himself!! Bearing in mind he has had issues in the past but it has now been at least 6 months since he last had an "accident" during the day or night so I am very confused as to why he's started doing this again! He had 2 episodes of wetting himself last weekend too so I can't really put it down to MIL etc being around.

I tried talking to him about it, remaining calm, no shouting and just trying to get him to open up. He said he doesn't realise he has to go - so I said we would remind him every hour to go - he said that was good.

So even with reminding him he's STILL been wetting himself - sometimes when asked he just said he didn't need to go so in the end we were telling him to go anyway and try to pee.

By sunday (mid birthday BBQ I may add) I had well and truely lost it - especially when he turned round and said to me that he "doesn't do this" at his mummys house, whilst changing his underwear and trousers for the 3rd time that day and it was only 5pm I told him it wasn't acceptable to keep doing this and he wasn't a baby anymore! I didn't shout just used the stern voice that means I'm serious. His bedroom stinks even though I've washed his sheets and got the window open and his washing basket is full - working my way through it but I have everyday washing to do - shouldn't have to be washing stinky pee pants and trousers of a nearly 7 year old!!!!!!

He leaves wet clothes all over the floor too and goes in a strop too when I ask him to put them in the washing basket! It's REALLY wound me up this weekend and it's making me dread next weekend even more than normal!!!!!

I guess I'm just trying to get this off my chest but it's so frustrating

 

[tallybee]

Lownthwaite

I know how frustrating it is to have this kind of thing happen believe me... all I can say is I think it sounds like you are dealing with it in the best way possible, but how is your DH helping? It's not fair if he's leaving you to sort this out, or leaving you to generally be responsible for your SS.

 

[Lownthwaite]

Lownthwaite

I know how frustrating it is to have this kind of thing happen believe me... all I can say is I think it sounds like you are dealing with it in the best way possible, but how is your DH helping? It's not fair if he's leaving you to sort this out, or leaving you to generally be responsible for your SS.

He tells SS off when he does it but it's not him who has to wash all the stinky clothes!!

He's treating it with a "he's a child, children wet themselves" mentality - but in my mind a very almost 7 year old should not be wetting themselves anymore at that age - certainly not during the day, repeatedly!

I suggested he see's a doctor to rule out medical issues but DH says either he's scared of the dark to go at night (although lights are left on all night) and that he's too ingrossed in what he is doing or can't be bothered during the day!

He's not offering solutions only reasons as to why SS has suddenly started doing this again

 

[tallybee]

Lownthwaite

I know how frustrating it is to have this kind of thing happen believe me... all I can say is I think it sounds like you are dealing with it in the best way possible, but how is your DH helping? It's not fair if he's leaving you to sort this out, or leaving you to generally be responsible for your SS.

He tells SS off when he does it but it's not him who has to wash all the stinky clothes!!

He's treating it with a "he's a child, children wet themselves" mentality - but in my mind a very almost 7 year old should not be wetting themselves anymore at that age - certainly not during the day, repeatedly!

I suggested he see's a doctor to rule out medical issues but DH says either he's scared of the dark to go at night (although lights are left on all night) and that he's too ingrossed in what he is doing or can't be bothered during the day!

He's not offering solutions only reasons as to why SS has suddenly started doing this again

I think there could be any number of reasons... my 7 year old son still wet himself on occasion until recently and it's because of being too engrossed in things. We dealt with it by taking away the thing he was engrossed in whether it was a games console or a book he was really enjoying. We also made him clear his pissy clothes into the machine. This seemed to get the message across

I don't know how easily you can influence these things but it may be an idea to have your SS checked out for any sign of urinary infection just in case this is a factor. Leaving some lights on at night as is a great idea letting SS know that he can get up for the loo. Kids can get some odd ideas - perhaps he is scared of disturbing people with the flush noise

I think a good chat with him would be in order, it's surprising what can be gleaned from these even at your SS's age. Perhaps you could suggest this to your DH



xx

 

[Lownthwaite]

Lownthwaite

I know how frustrating it is to have this kind of thing happen believe me... all I can say is I think it sounds like you are dealing with it in the best way possible, but how is your DH helping? It's not fair if he's leaving you to sort this out, or leaving you to generally be responsible for your SS.

He tells SS off when he does it but it's not him who has to wash all the stinky clothes!!

He's treating it with a "he's a child, children wet themselves" mentality - but in my mind a very almost 7 year old should not be wetting themselves anymore at that age - certainly not during the day, repeatedly!

I suggested he see's a doctor to rule out medical issues but DH says either he's scared of the dark to go at night (although lights are left on all night) and that he's too ingrossed in what he is doing or can't be bothered during the day!

He's not offering solutions only reasons as to why SS has suddenly started doing this again

I think there could be any number of reasons... my 7 year old son still wet himself on occasion until recently and it's because of being too engrossed in things. We dealt with it by taking away the thing he was engrossed in whether it was a games console or a book he was really enjoying. We also made him clear his pissy clothes into the machine. This seemed to get the message across

I don't know how easily you can influence these things but it may be an idea to have your SS checked out for any sign of urinary infection just in case this is a factor. Leaving some lights on at night as is a great idea letting SS know that he can get up for the loo. Kids can get some odd ideas - perhaps he is scared of disturbing people with the flush noise

I think a good chat with him would be in order, it's surprising what can be gleaned from these even at your SS's age. Perhaps you could suggest this to your DH



xx

I'm hoping he was just really caught up in the hecticness of his granny being here and the BBQ etc so fingers crossed it won't happen again next weekend.

I have mentioned the UTI to DH but he doesn't think it's relevent. That's about as far as I can go without DH probably thinking I'm going behind his back to his ex.

To be honest - it's not that he doesn't want to wake people. I think it's because he's scared. He mentioned to me that he doesn't like going upstairs on his own as he's scared - he said he watched a scary film at SIL's - quite graphic from what I gather - zombies - someone being stabbed through the eye?!?! from what he has told me! This is something in itself which needs dealing with. I have told DH he needs his TV regulating - I admit DH's ideas of suitable viewing are very different to mine but he needs to consider it more carefully if this is the effect it is having on SS. I'm not sure what the film was he saw at SILs but she also lets her 4 year old daughter watch things that I deem unsuitable so I think I'm fighting a loosing battle. I have told DH I don't think things like that are suitable but he shrugs it off saying it's fine.

I can gaurantee my LO will not be allowed to watch such things till a suitable age. I'm not scaring my child just so DH or SIL can watch what they want before LO goes to bed!!

 

[cowboys angel]

Um... ?

 

[tallybee]

Oh dear, yeah the thing about unsuitable viewing really gets me... OH's boys watch and play some ludicrously unsuitable films, Xbox games etc. I've had to take a stand here as they bring stuff over when they come. It's just beyond me how some people think it's OK to allow kids to be exposed to 18's and things I won't have it here at all, but when they're at other peoples houses....

If you think this is an issue, it's difficult if your DH and others don't take it seriously, but many people are receptive if you say 'he gets affected by scary movies' or whatever. I realise it's probably pretty much out of your hands here though as you don't dictate who he stays with. I think your DH really does need to take seriously the idea that his son is affected by this though...it clearly isn't 'fine'

It sounds like you have already established that the problem is at least partly to do with him being scared to go upstairs/to the loo alone and this stems from some things he has seen in a film. To me it sounds like it is your DH who needs talking to, to make him realise and act on this

 

[Lownthwaite]

It sounds like you have already established that the problem is at least partly to do with him being scared to go upstairs/to the loo alone and this stems from some things he has seen in a film. To me it sounds like it is your DH who needs talking to, to make him realise and act on this

It's really frustrating to be honest - I have raised this issue till I'm blue in the face but it never seems to make a difference.

I am considering telling SS to let us know when he needs the toilet and someone will go with him. It will hopefully stop the wetting and may imrove his confidence over time. Might tell DH that he has to be the one to go with him too - that way he'll get fed up of keep having to go up stairs whenever SS needs a loo and I can point out that if he watched age appropriate TV etc then he wouldn't be scared to go alone and would be more than happy to go on his own and DH can carry on what he's doing and not have to go with him

 

[tallybee]

It sounds like you have already established that the problem is at least partly to do with him being scared to go upstairs/to the loo alone and this stems from some things he has seen in a film. To me it sounds like it is your DH who needs talking to, to make him realise and act on this

It's really frustrating to be honest - I have raised this issue till I'm blue in the face but it never seems to make a difference.

I am considering telling SS to let us know when he needs the toilet and someone will go with him. It will hopefully stop the wetting and may imrove his confidence over time. Might tell DH that he has to be the one to go with him too - that way he'll get fed up of keep having to go up stairs whenever SS needs a loo and I can point out that if he watched age appropriate TV etc then he wouldn't be scared to go alone and would be more than happy to go on his own and DH can carry on what he's doing and not have to go with him

Sounds like a plan hon

I'd be willing to bet, after a while of that, that he'll start coming out with the appropriate TV etc as if it was his bright idea in the first place ..... men

 

[lilbeanfolk]

It sounds like you have already established that the problem is at least partly to do with him being scared to go upstairs/to the loo alone and this stems from some things he has seen in a film. To me it sounds like it is your DH who needs talking to, to make him realise and act on this

It's really frustrating to be honest - I have raised this issue till I'm blue in the face but it never seems to make a difference.

I am considering telling SS to let us know when he needs the toilet and someone will go with him. It will hopefully stop the wetting and may imrove his confidence over time. Might tell DH that he has to be the one to go with him too - that way he'll get fed up of keep having to go up stairs whenever SS needs a loo and I can point out that if he watched age appropriate TV etc then he wouldn't be scared to go alone and would be more than happy to go on his own and DH can carry on what he's doing and not have to go with him

Good idea, also (just my two cents) I think DH should be the one changing his sons soiled clothes and doing the laundry!! He's not being supportive, totally think he should be checked out for UTI otherwise, monitoring this fluid intake and that he not get too distracted. It just doesn't make sense that he doesn't do it with his mother but does with you guys. Does he do it at school?? He's going to get very very picked on by the other kids unless he learns to go to the bathroom when he needs too. Sorry you're having to deal with this, hopefully DH steps up and helps his son out. Hugs!!

 

[Amber_Lynn822]

I'm surprised how negative this line has gotten, I'm going to be leaving this group! I think as step-parents we need to embrace the positive moments, and I don't really see them being even acknowledged!

 

[tallybee]

Sorry you feel that way

For me, a support thread is likely to contain negative things because we come here for support on those problems we have.

I would love to hear more positives about step parenting, there have been some on here!

I would like to say that I am missing J and S, I hope they are having a great time in Ireland and look forward to seeing them once they're back.

 

[Mellybelle]

I agree with Amber Lynn. I'm a bit surprised at how negative this thread has gotten. I've been a little bit horrified by some of the comments on here. Some of the negative comments about the children are quite awful.

I understand that there are likely to be some negatives on a support thread, but i'd really like to see some more positives too.

Tallybee, when do your steppies come back?

 

[chattyB]

I've got some slightly more positive news (after my last "woe is me posts") - my daughter, step daughter and step son received their exam results yesterday for their highers. (Scots equivalent of A/AS levels) The girls got As, Bs and Cs over 4 subjects, stepson got a C for the one subject. I'm very proud of them for their achievements.

 

[Mellybelle]

I've got some slightly more positive news (after my last "woe is me posts") - my daughter, step daughter and step son received their exam results yesterday for their highers. (Scots equivalent of A/AS levels) The girls got As, Bs and Cs over 4 subjects, stepson got a C for the one subject. I'm very proud of them for their achievements.

Fantastic stuff!!! They must have got their smarts from your input. i always claim that my steppies got their brains from me

 

[chattyB]

I've got some slightly more positive news (after my last "woe is me posts") - my daughter, step daughter and step son received their exam results yesterday for their highers. (Scots equivalent of A/AS levels) The girls got As, Bs and Cs over 4 subjects, stepson got a C for the one subject. I'm very proud of them for their achievements.

Fantastic stuff!!! They must have got their smarts from your input. i always claim that my steppies got their brains from me

It was probably more the bribes of £100 for each A. We're now skint! Really should've thought that one through more thoroughly lol

 

[tallybee]

Well done chattyB's steppies! That is ace Yeah the bribes eh In any case well done them

Mellybelle, they get back a week today... just in time for getting ready to go back to school on the 16th really. We'd been hoping to have them over during the weekend but since contact has been made so difficult, OH hasn't been able to get in touch. We suspect his FB messages are still being deleted by the bitter one, who still won't answer the phone to OH. So.... the saga continues

xx