step parents support thread

[tallybee]

Phew - the shit calmed down at John's work and he managed to collect the boys on time - they're here now, all is good!!

 

[netty]

thats great news - you doing anything nice?

 

[Mellybelle]

Have a great night tallybee!

 

[tallybee]

Thanks! We've been having an evening of films and stuff - we did pass the parcel from H's birthday and have been having a good laugh Lovely to have them here, it's been way too long

xx

 

[pinkflamingo]

Ok....heres my story. Cut very short.
DH and I met 7 years ago. He had two boys I had one girl. We got married. We had one boy.
My SSons live half with us, half with the BM (bitchface, megabitch etc). She lives 25kms from us and the boys go to school right near her house. I drive the boys to and from school when they are with us. My daughter goes to a school close to us and I am doing a 1 and a half hour trip each way on the school run with my LO in tow. He is now 3, and I have been doing this driving since he was born. My eldest step son is due to start high school next year. We want him to go to the same school as his sister (my daughter) but the bitchface doesnt want this. Our high school is a private school and one of the best schools in the area. Its not too expensive and we have agreed to pay all costs. DH asked her repeatedly not to discuss the issue of high school with SS, but she did. Also told him that it would be his choice where he goes to school. Naturally, he would want to go to the school where his friends are. We never discussed high school with SS and didnt want him to have to choose between what each parent wanted. She also told him he would have to choose where he wants to live. I've never heard of any other parents letting their children choose where they want to go to school at age 12. I thought it was common sense that this was a decision to be made by parents. If SS goes to high school out there, i physically cant get 3 children to 3 differnt schools on time. My LO will start school in 2 years, then I have to get 4 children to 4 different schools. Also we are TTC so hopefully there will be another LO in there somewhere. I know that a major reason she doesnt want SS to go to our choice of school is because she will have to do some driving the kids to school and she really doesnt want that. Is it unreasonable to expect the kids to go to high school closer to us as they have atttended primary right within walking distance from her house. It would be so nice for my school run to be 8kms instead of 50!!!!

Hi hun,
This is a difficult one and I am sorry that you are stuck in the middle. I agree that parents should make the final choice on schools but I do think the child has a right to have a say too. If the school he prefers has a bad report etc then of course that's a reason to say no, but I'm not sure on the whole location thing. My SS goes to school near his mums which is 80 miles away. Because of this his friends live near him and he can go and call for them to play out whenever he wants. This is the part that I think is important. Due to him being in school so far away he only comes to us at weekends so no constant school runs for us which just wouldn't be practical for anyone.
Can you explain to their mum and them that they. can choose where they go to school but that may have consequences to when they can come over as you can't get them all to school on time? I am the only driver in our house too so know what it is like trying to be in 50 places at once! There comes a point when you have to be practical and in this instance I think all you can do is highlight the consequence of going to the local school, and then let the child make up their own mind based on all the info. I would personally not allow any other option I.e. That you will carry on with the school run as normal if the high school near mums is chosen. I have had to put my foot down in the past when its just been expected of me to do stuff that his own mother clearly can't be bothered to do. I won't get used by people so don't allow yourself to be a doormat.
Good luck xxx

 

[pinkflamingo]

Sorry hun I just read through again and see you say that his mum is telling him to choose where to live. So doesn't that mean that if he chose to live with you then he would go to a school near you and likewise with his mum? I think as he approaches being a teenager that he may prefer to be more settled and have a network of friends nearby as opposed to splitting his time half and half between his parents.
I may be wrong and only base this on my experience of my 13 year old SS and his preferences.
Xx

 

[Amber_Lynn822]

Phew - the shit calmed down at John's work and he managed to collect the boys on time - they're here now, all is good!!

Have fun!!! I miss doing projects with my Steppie

 

[tallybee]

Thanks!! I'm going to pick up our new chickens in a bit - 11 weeks old so won't lay for a bit but all the kids are way looking forward to getting them! They've been coming up with names - at the mo they've settled on Skye, Mary and Brainy-chicken So good! I'll update my thread in GS with pics later xx

 

[netty]

That's great - did the boys see the chickens?

 

[Mellybelle]

Sorry hun I just read through again and see you say that his mum is telling him to choose where to live. So doesn't that mean that if he chose to live with you then he would go to a school near you and likewise with his mum? I think as he approaches being a teenager that he may prefer to be more settled and have a network of friends nearby as opposed to splitting his time half and half between his parents.
I may be wrong and only base this on my experience of my 13 year old SS and his preferences.
Xx

We would really like the living situation to stay as it is. The boys have always lived half with us and half with their mother. They dont remember life being any other way. I've no idea why she told him he would need to choose where he lives. I do know that this put him under a great deal of stress and anxiety.
My main problem is that if he goes to high school near his mothers place, this would mean that we have to change his living situation. ie, he would then have to live with his mother and visit us on weekends. Although his brother would still live half with us and half with bitchface. If he goes to the high school near us, the living situation can stay the same as it always has and he will attend school with his sister (step sister - my daughter). He doesnt have any problem with making new friends. He plays football in our local area and didnt know any of the kids when he started, but had made close friends within a couple of weeks of playing.
If his mother would agree to drving him to school in our area, then there doesnt have to be any changes to his living situation.

 

[Mellybelle]

Thanks!! I'm going to pick up our new chickens in a bit - 11 weeks old so won't lay for a bit but all the kids are way looking forward to getting them! They've been coming up with names - at the mo they've settled on Skye, Mary and Brainy-chicken So good! I'll update my thread in GS with pics later xx

I've been beggin DH to let me keep chickens for years!!!!! So jealous.

 

[tallybee]

Yay the boys got to see the chickens J wasn't so interested but S was more so! (J's a teenager fir sure these days...) I am really proud that they can see some natural stuff at our place, the veg patch as well, they never get anything of that kind at their mum's, they stare at screens all day (DS, xbox etc etc) and they have always brought that crap with them when they've come over here. It's not so bad on a rainy day to let them play a bit of computer, but not for hours when the weather's fine!!

xx

 

[tallybee]

Sorry hun I just read through again and see you say that his mum is telling him to choose where to live. So doesn't that mean that if he chose to live with you then he would go to a school near you and likewise with his mum? I think as he approaches being a teenager that he may prefer to be more settled and have a network of friends nearby as opposed to splitting his time half and half between his parents.
I may be wrong and only base this on my experience of my 13 year old SS and his preferences.
Xx

We would really like the living situation to stay as it is. The boys have always lived half with us and half with their mother. They dont remember life being any other way. I've no idea why she told him he would need to choose where he lives. I do know that this put him under a great deal of stress and anxiety.
My main problem is that if he goes to high school near his mothers place, this would mean that we have to change his living situation. ie, he would then have to live with his mother and visit us on weekends. Although his brother would still live half with us and half with bitchface. If he goes to the high school near us, the living situation can stay the same as it always has and he will attend school with his sister (step sister - my daughter). He doesnt have any problem with making new friends. He plays football in our local area and didnt know any of the kids when he started, but had made close friends within a couple of weeks of playing.
If his mother would agree to drving him to school in our area, then there doesnt have to be any changes to his living situation.

It really does sound like she's just trying to be difficult, the speciality of bitchfaces. I really hope u can come to some kind of reasonable agreement, all the best xx

 

[tallybee]

Hi all! How's everyone getting on? Seeing the boys over the weekend has really brought it home to me that they should be here so much more often. OH had arranged to have them again this weekend but it's been changed to just taking them to the movies.

I know their mum's gonna freak again soon because J's solicitor is all set to serve her with the divorce papers, long-awaited by us cos the separation agreement was so elusive. She supposedly said she would file for the D herself, but was stalling as usual, she'll get a shock because she thinks we'll try to save fees by letting her do it (she is on legal aid while we are just above the threshold). Whilst these progresses are necessary and desperately wanted by us, it's obvious that she'll not be happy, and we'll have to see what she tries to do next relating to visits etc.

 

[Amber_Lynn822]

How is everyone? I have EXACTLY one month until my two week vacation with my steppie!!! So excited! Anyone else have any updates?

 

[Amber_Lynn822]

P.S. I'm SUPER addicted to the website Tinyprints.com if you order your fathers day card today from them you can get 75% off! Used the code DOD0526 My father's day ended up costing .99 plus the cost of the stamp .44, Every year I get so many compliments on the cards Just sharing the love! My hubby loves them

 

[HopefulKirsty]

Hi, not been on in a while since i got a super heavy af and got all deppressed at not being pg lol.

I came on for a rant mostly. Dsd needed new shoes, so I picked up an extra shift at work as she wanted the sketchers twinkle toes rather than a cheaper pair and money is kind of tight around here at the moment. I got up while everyone was still awake and went to work. She was given the option of coming with me to get her shoes or doing something with her dad and I'd give her the shoes when I got home. She chose to come with me then whilst we were out she wanted a mcdonalds, then an ice cream then we went to see if we could her the jammies she wanted etc. We had a lovely wee evening shopping. I still hadnt seen my oh all day. I came home with dsd at almost 10pm and told her she was to get her jammies on then spend a wee bit of time with her dad while i was in a shower then go to bed. OH and I were meant to be watching a movie that we have been trying to watch for over a week that we never get a chance to watch cause dsd always interferes in us spending time alone. Anyway after my shower I set up the movie and waited for oh to put lo to bed, he came in to see me and within 3 minutes she's screaming for him to go back to her room and stop being with me. Apparantly she was in tears begging him not to sleep with me tonight but to sleep with her. Her mummy told her that the person he sleeps with is the person he loves the most so now he's given in and is sleeping on her bedroom floor without so much as a blanket cause she wants both blankets! Is it just me or is it a little strange to be telling an 8 year old your daddy will only loe you if you sleep with him? I mean I know it's not meant in that way but I'm finding it a little creepy. plus i really miss my oh, between work and H I havent had any time alone with him in over a week and any time he even comes into a room that i'm in shes right behind him wanting his attention. All I want is a kiss from my fiance or for him to say he loves me but she's being really weird for some unknown reason.

Sorry for the rant, I'm attention starved lol. How is everyone else getting on? tally i'm so glad you got to see the boys

 

[Amber_Lynn822]

I totally feel you, I'm working an extra 20 hours a week to cover our trip while hubby doesn't do any... So i'm working 11 hour days Sun-Fri.
It's hard to get through the "love me more" phase, Tay used to beg to sleep with us, and I remember one night she told me "Daddy told me if the house was burning down he'd save me, not you" You're oh REALLY needs to help her get over these fears, and not feed into them or it'll never stop! My husband finally got that after a huge sit-down, and Tay sleeps in her own bed now....

I would offer her to sleep in your bed with your guys if that's possible, and remind her that you BOTH love her to pieces, and daddy loves you differently then he loves her, just as much, but just different.

Hope that helps

 

[tallybee]

Hi, not been on in a while since i got a super heavy af and got all deppressed at not being pg lol.

I came on for a rant mostly. Dsd needed new shoes, so I picked up an extra shift at work as she wanted the sketchers twinkle toes rather than a cheaper pair and money is kind of tight around here at the moment. I got up while everyone was still awake and went to work. She was given the option of coming with me to get her shoes or doing something with her dad and I'd give her the shoes when I got home. She chose to come with me then whilst we were out she wanted a mcdonalds, then an ice cream then we went to see if we could her the jammies she wanted etc. We had a lovely wee evening shopping. I still hadnt seen my oh all day. I came home with dsd at almost 10pm and told her she was to get her jammies on then spend a wee bit of time with her dad while i was in a shower then go to bed. OH and I were meant to be watching a movie that we have been trying to watch for over a week that we never get a chance to watch cause dsd always interferes in us spending time alone. Anyway after my shower I set up the movie and waited for oh to put lo to bed, he came in to see me and within 3 minutes she's screaming for him to go back to her room and stop being with me. Apparantly she was in tears begging him not to sleep with me tonight but to sleep with her. Her mummy told her that the person he sleeps with is the person he loves the most so now he's given in and is sleeping on her bedroom floor without so much as a blanket cause she wants both blankets! Is it just me or is it a little strange to be telling an 8 year old your daddy will only loe you if you sleep with him? I mean I know it's not meant in that way but I'm finding it a little creepy. plus i really miss my oh, between work and H I havent had any time alone with him in over a week and any time he even comes into a room that i'm in shes right behind him wanting his attention. All I want is a kiss from my fiance or for him to say he loves me but she's being really weird for some unknown reason.

Sorry for the rant, I'm attention starved lol. How is everyone else getting on? tally i'm so glad you got to see the boys

Oh dear, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this!

That's super-awkward! Ex's telling kids a lot of shite like that is so destructive and something none of us need.

I obv can't say what's right to do as I'm not involved but I would have to say that giving in and trying to sleep on her floor is not going to help in the long run, your man needs to talk with H and reassure her that not sleeping in her room does not mean he doesn't love her, that his love for her is huge and a different kind of love from his love for you (etc) It just seems to me that giving in is kind of reinforcing the crap her mum has fed her iykwim?

I hope you can get somewhere with this soon - it must be exhausting!

 

[HopefulKirsty]

Thanks Ladies, H is away back to her grans tonight (her mum refuses to have her on weekends but doesnt want us having her more than 3/4 nights a week!) OH and I had a long talk after she went away and we discussed him giving into her etc. And we agreed to try to back each other up with things. LIke lastnight when I took her for ice cream and told her if she had ice cream she wouldnt be able to go on xbox lastnight then he let her go on anyway despite it being after 10pm when she went on. I really appreciate the suport this thread gives. It really lives up to its name. I'm planning on stopping by more often to share more of the good as it seems I only moan on here lol. I guess cause it;s the only place I can have a moan without being judged.

Do you ever feel like if a birthmom said something about their child it would be entirely accetable but if a step-mom says it then it's wrong and people get annoyed at you?? Just a thought lol.