step parents support thread

[pinkflamingo]

No worries hun that's what we are all here for, to help each other with ideas etc.

Good luck. I hope things get sorted soon

Xxx

 

[tallybee]

you end up dealing with so much grief its hard to see the wood for trees!

So true...

rjsmam I really feel for u, my OH has gotten less so with time, but the whole thing with him getting defensive and blowing up when all I've been trying to do is have a rational convo has been really hard to deal with. The hard thing is, at a time when everyone's calm and rational, me even approaching a topic that needed to be approached, would have him rolling eyes and getting on this 'oh not this again' mode..... men seem to think that once the argument's over that's it, and there's no more to discuss

That said, when there are issues that have the potential to be damaging, there's no other way about it, it has to be approached... if he would consider relate or similar that could be really helpful- we've never been to a service like that but I know couples who have taken a lot from it and we have been considering it ourselves to get away from every discussion just turning into the same argument.

Massive hope you guys can get back onto the same page with these things

xx

 

[Mellybelle]

Rjsmam...what a difficult situation. I definately think you need to discuss it with him again. You need to be really clear that you werent trying to stop him having one on one time with his son. Make him understand the point you were trying to make. And remember one thing....if your ds and your dss get along well, then you are fantastic parents. If they start seeing that they are being treated differently, then they wont get on as well.

 

[tallybee]

How's everyone getting on?
I'm looking forward to giving OH the massive fathers day card I bought for the kids to scrawl lots of lovely kisses in! What do you ladies do for your OH/DH for fathers day?

xx

 

[Mellybelle]

Fathers day here isnt until September.

The kids usually make him a card and bookmark or something at school and they also have a Fathers day stall at school with small gifts for a couple of dollars. His big present is something he wants/needs. Last year it was GPS for his car.

 

[rjsmam]

Rjsmam...what a difficult situation. I definately think you need to discuss it with him again. You need to be really clear that you werent trying to stop him having one on one time with his son. Make him understand the point you were trying to make. And remember one thing....if your ds and your dss get along well, then you are fantastic parents. If they start seeing that they are being treated differently, then they wont get on as well.

thanks Mellybelle... things are a lot better - he finally sees that i wasn't trying to stop his time with dss - i guess ds is so pig headed sometimes that he can't see anything save for what he perceives as 'grief'. he sometimes is so tied up trying to make sure dss isn't suffering because his parents are split up & forgets that his step son also needs him.

i'm hoping that he's learnt a lesson from it - not to blow up & take things the wrong way. I also want to be able to be open & honest with him without fear that he's gong to take things wrong way. i know we still have a lot of working to do as a family.

fathers day - breakfast in bed and lots of silly socks & things from the boys me thinks!

x

 

[pinkflamingo]

Hey ladies! I am going slightly crazy with my cycle! Am on day 37 of an average 35 day cycle. Its only my 2nd since mmc so i think it's still all over the place. Have tested and got negatives. Just wish af would hurry up then!

We don't have ss on fathers day this year, and even though he is 13 he won't send anything himself either. Its a shame. I have planned to get him something from our angel. He got me a necklace for mothers day from him and our angel baby.

 

[Inge]

Argh.... SS has been not very carefull with Leo this weekend (same every weekend tbh) OH works all the time (has monday off then the next wednesday then monday cycle) so I have to look after both by myself. SS is 8-9 in august but doesnt understand Leo is not a dolly. He dropped him on the floor head first onto OH laptop and laughed then slow motioned hit his head on the kitchen worktop both times he bought him to my laughing saying "Leos going to cry for a long time now" When I hold Leo and hes sleeping SS wants to wake him all the time (Leo is a very colicky baby and takes ages to calm down He can cry from 4pm til 10pm) then when Leo cries hes thrustedback at me
OH has told him not too but doesnt make any difference. His mum hates me (had a row with me for us getting our own house the day I went into labour, the stress made my water break as I was hysterical crying all day I had a sickness and diarhea bug this weekend and SS mum said "oh if inge cant look after him bring him home now" and acted like I was faking so I wouldnt look after him
Iv been with OH for 3 years and I thought shed be used to me by now she is just a horrible person, OHs family hate her as shes always used ss as a weapon and treated OH like crap when they were together.
Im worried Leo will get hurt but theres nothing I can do as if I tell ss off he tells me to fuck off and has a tantrum and I cant have help til OH gets home. Hes also been doing very innappropiate things when holding Leo which I havent told OH about as I dont know how to word it - in the spoiler

Spoiler

he rubs Leo into his groin area when Im not looking then laughs when I try to find out what he was doing - how do I bring this up with oh?

this just feels so hard sometimes and im dreading the 6 wk holiday as it will just be me 24/7 while OH works

 

[netty]

oh inge big

I have a 9 year old boy too and they are bloody hard work!!
He is worse when my sd is here. Doesnt listen to both me and his step dad.

i am sure he will get better as he gets older ?(i am hoping so anyway )

 

[Mellybelle]

Inge
As hard as it is, you need to do the 'positive parenting' stuff here. Much of his behaviour is coming from whatever his mother is saying about you.
Let him know he is loved and needed at your house. Get him to help with household chores. Let him know that you just couldnt have got dinner cooked, washing hung out, floor swept, etc done without his help. Do these things with him, dont ask him to do it on his own.

I think you need to stop him from handling the baby unless he is strictly supervised. Explain how important it is for baby to sleep so he can grow up big and strong like his big brother. As a big brother he needs to make sure everyone is quiet so the baby can sleep.

Keeping everything positive and making him feel important will help him figure out his role in your family and he wont feel so much like an outsider. This is also the only way to counter the things his mother might be saying about you.

Hope this helps.

 

[tallybee]

Argh.... SS has been not very carefull with Leo this weekend (same every weekend tbh) OH works all the time (has monday off then the next wednesday then monday cycle) so I have to look after both by myself. SS is 8-9 in august but doesnt understand Leo is not a dolly. He dropped him on the floor head first onto OH laptop and laughed then slow motioned hit his head on the kitchen worktop both times he bought him to my laughing saying "Leos going to cry for a long time now" When I hold Leo and hes sleeping SS wants to wake him all the time (Leo is a very colicky baby and takes ages to calm down He can cry from 4pm til 10pm) then when Leo cries hes thrustedback at me
OH has told him not too but doesnt make any difference. His mum hates me (had a row with me for us getting our own house the day I went into labour, the stress made my water break as I was hysterical crying all day I had a sickness and diarhea bug this weekend and SS mum said "oh if inge cant look after him bring him home now" and acted like I was faking so I wouldnt look after him
Iv been with OH for 3 years and I thought shed be used to me by now she is just a horrible person, OHs family hate her as shes always used ss as a weapon and treated OH like crap when they were together.
Im worried Leo will get hurt but theres nothing I can do as if I tell ss off he tells me to fuck off and has a tantrum and I cant have help til OH gets home. Hes also been doing very innappropiate things when holding Leo which I havent told OH about as I dont know how to word it - in the spoiler

Spoiler

he rubs Leo into his groin area when Im not looking then laughs when I try to find out what he was doing - how do I bring this up with oh?

this just feels so hard sometimes and im dreading the 6 wk holiday as it will just be me 24/7 while OH works

Oh hon

I don't know what to suggest but really honestly tell your OH everything, this needs sorted asap and you're going to need him on side. A child doing those things with the baby and telling you to fuck off when you tell him off...... really, really not on and however you bring it up it will come as a shock to your OH, I think the only way to do it is sit him down at a quiet time when the kids are asleep and say there's been something going on that he needs to know about, and just say it the way it is. It sounds like purely attention seeking, your ss knows which buttons to push and he is bloody well doing it for maximum effect! He needs to be made completely clear what the boundaries are and that he won't just get a telling off from you alone but his dad will back you up on it too.

xxxxxxx

 

[Inge]

Iv talked to OH about it all. OH has told ss mum that if he keeps playing up then OH will pick himup in the evening on saturday (bout 9pm by time OH gets home) because of his behaviour when hes at home. tbh his mum doesnt care what hes doing, if he play up for her she sends him to OH's parents or her parents house. I also worry Leo is going to pick up on the bad behaviour and swearing and copy it when hes older

 

[rjsmam]

more s

this sounds a really hard scenario particularly with such a wee one involved - he is gorgeous by the way! i think the ladies have already given some really good advice & hopefully your OH understands how hard this is for you at the moment - fingers crossed it will get easier real soon

xxx

 

[tallybee]

^ Yeah it's vital that ur OH is taking things on board

I hope he's gonna prioritise sorting this, massive

xx

 

[Inge]

SS not been at all good lately. OH is not going to pick him up til sat nights now as hes so bad. Today he lost a pack of nappies (I only get child benifit and can afford much) and ran in front of 3 people and kept kicking the buggy and shaking it which Leo hated. He was pushing the buggy and just let go, we wer by an empty road but if a car was coming who knows what could have happened if he rolled in OH is so angry and when he gets home later SS is in major trouble. SS mum is probabkly going to say im making it up or its our fault hes also got an attenion seeking thing of wetting or pooing himself and thinking its funny. Hes 9 in august His mum wont tell him off for it and laughs about it. We were in asda and he said " Iv shit myself" and got hysterical. I got him new pants and told OH and he has no idea how to stop him doing it. Today has really hit me hard. The breaking point was the nappies, I know its a silly thing to get upset over but it was a full pack Iv no idea how wer going to sort SS behaviour out if his own mum cant see its not good and she needs to set rules and follow OH's disipline. Its no point if OH tells him of then his mum lets him get away with it as he wont ever learn right from wrong. He already thinks shoplifting is ok as his mums family does it and boast about it

 

[rjsmam]

SS not been at all good lately. OH is not going to pick him up til sat nights now as hes so bad. Today he lost a pack of nappies (I only get child benifit and can afford much) and ran in front of 3 people and kept kicking the buggy and shaking it which Leo hated. He was pushing the buggy and just let go, we wer by an empty road but if a car was coming who knows what could have happened if he rolled in OH is so angry and when he gets home later SS is in major trouble. SS mum is probabkly going to say im making it up or its our fault hes also got an attenion seeking thing of wetting or pooing himself and thinking its funny. Hes 9 in august His mum wont tell him off for it and laughs about it. We were in asda and he said " Iv shit myself" and got hysterical. I got him new pants and told OH and he has no idea how to stop him doing it. Today has really hit me hard. The breaking point was the nappies, I know its a silly thing to get upset over but it was a full pack Iv no idea how wer going to sort SS behaviour out if his own mum cant see its not good and she needs to set rules and follow OH's disipline. Its no point if OH tells him of then his mum lets him get away with it as he wont ever learn right from wrong. He already thinks shoplifting is ok as his mums family does it and boast about it

Goodness you poor thing - that sounds very very hard. I had a similar situation with ss and the toilet problem - but without all the other issues you're experiencing. Would ss's mum be open to mediation with your OH to talk about these issues with a 3rd party?

x

 

[netty]

can only offer huge as i am speechless!!!

Has he always been bad? or worse when u had baby?
I get very frustrated with my sd as her mum is like your sd mum but nowhere to the degree of yours!

 

[Inge]

always been this bad. His mum will not do anything like that OH told her and she just said "oh well, dont go mad at him" Im exhausted now, OH is home now and as usual SS is good as gold. He plays up for everyone but him as OH will not take any bad behaviour at all

 

[rjsmam]

always been this bad. His mum will not do anything like that OH told her and she just said "oh well, dont go mad at him" Im exhausted now, OH is home now and as usual SS is good as gold. He plays up for everyone but him as OH will not take any bad behaviour at all

goodness - she really isn't helping. i can't imagine a mother not dealing with their child doing that - even if while not with them! is he being punished for bad behaviour - does he have a nintendo or anything that you could take from him? x

 

[tallybee]

I really don't know what to suggest other than what's been said already. What a horrid situation to have to deal with. If it were me I would be refusing to be solely in charge of him until his behaviour improves, even though that would likely cause some problems, cos it's not only unfair on you and your baby to be dealing with that ludicrous nonsense, it's hardly helping your SS to be thinking he can be like that. It sounds like your OH really needs to get himself on the ball with this.... There's only so much can be done if the mother is being a complete fruitloop but the father needs to take responsibility and do whatever he can.