step parents support thread

[tallybee]

I totally agree Kirsty We're not allowed to feel done in by it all, if we do we are the EVIL STEPMOTHER

Being able to come on here is so relieving isn't it!

xx

 

[Amber_Lynn822]

I agree too, I posted once about being sad that my child won't be his first, that I'll be so amazed by things he'll have been there done that

and freakin' hell I had my ass jumped!!

 

[tallybee]

Nutz isn't it! I really appreciate this wee haven where we don't judge Thanks all of you xx

 

[tallybee]

:wave:

How is everyone getting on? It's all gone quite quiet in here! I'm really pleased, OH has arranged to have the boys overnight on Saturday 18th, so they'll be here for fathers day he's so chuffed that he'll have everyone here It's also Joshua's birthday on the 19th so we thought bitchface would be shitty about it but it's been arranged!

xx

 

[rjsmam]

Do you ever feel like if a birthmom said something about their child it would be entirely accetable but if a step-mom says it then it's wrong and people get annoyed at you?? Just a thought lol.

gawd yes that's sooo true!!!

re the sleep thing.. that's so mean for her mum to plant that kind of ideas in her head - grrr @ her on your behalf.. sounds like you have talked through best way to deal though, well done...

step parenting is so fricking tough huh!

 

[tallybee]

^ Totally with you on that rjsmam xx

 

[netty]

Totally agree with you all!!

We are off on holiday on Sunday - taking sd with us.
Off to Lanzarote for 1 week.
Am waiting for some sort of crap from bitchface tomorrow tho
Could really do without any crap from her tbh. Far too much to do and get ready for all 5 of us let alone try and support my dh through that too!!(plus i'll get totally peed off too!)

 

[Amber_Lynn822]

Oh my gosh I'm so excited in three weeks and two days I'll be with my steppie for 2 whole weeks!!

 

[pinkflamingo]

hello all!
How are we? i am going through my first 2ww since we had a mmc earlier in the year so its all a bit strange. I am going to try and hold off testing for another week but it will be difficult!
We havent had SS for 3 weeks due to him spending the half term hol with his mum so we have missed our weekends with him. She has family abroad so most holidays he spends with her and they go abroad for the whole time, so we cannot split holiday times unless it is summer hols when we have him for 2 weeks.
I do feel for you all who have to put up with constant rubbish from the bitchfaces. We have luckily gotten through that stage and now she makes no contact! SS is old enough to talk to his dad directly if he wants to stay at home or go to a friends instead of coming to us, so we are lucky in that respect. If he was younger as many of you have younger step-children, then we would have to be in touch with her. I am thankful that it's not that way!! The only thing that may be a negative about his age is when we have children of our own, he may not feel a part of it all unlike a younger child would. I have mentioned all of this before so won't ramble again, we will just have to deal with it all when it happens. (hope it is this month!!!)
Amber_lynn have a lovely 2 weeks with your sd!
Netty have a fab holiday hun.
Tallybee - yay that the kids will be with your OH for fathers day, that will make his day I am sure.
Looks like some positve things are happening at the mo, and that's great stuff ladies!

xx

 

[Mellybelle]

Hey ladies,

My DH has arranged to have a mediation session with solicitors involved as a last attempt to sort out the 'where will ss go to high school' issue. We are hoping she will pull her head out of the sand and really listen to our reasons instead of having the constant need to 'win'. Otherwise we go to court which will cost us (and her) thousands of dollars.

In other news....I'm PREGNANT!!! I'm doing my best to feel positive about this one (4 previous losses, 2 in second tri in the last 12 months, 2 early a few years ago). The bitchface is just gonna love that! She'll be constantly pointing out to my SSs that again, its only your HALF brother/sister!

 

[pinkflamingo]

Mellybelle what wonderful news! Huge congrats to you. Do NOT let bitchface ruin anything about this for you. Am so pleased for you and hope I am not far behind!!
Enjoy it all as a family and when ss are with you, you can tell them how important they will be as big bros etc.
Good luck with the school issue too. Being pregnant now only highlights the need you have forcompromise now as you can't be expected to run around like a mad thing!
Xx

 

[tallybee]

Hey ladies,

My DH has arranged to have a mediation session with solicitors involved as a last attempt to sort out the 'where will ss go to high school' issue. We are hoping she will pull her head out of the sand and really listen to our reasons instead of having the constant need to 'win'. Otherwise we go to court which will cost us (and her) thousands of dollars.

In other news....I'm PREGNANT!!! I'm doing my best to feel positive about this one (4 previous losses, 2 in second tri in the last 12 months, 2 early a few years ago). The bitchface is just gonna love that! She'll be constantly pointing out to my SSs that again, its only your HALF brother/sister!

Massive congrats hon! I agree, do not let her ruin this for you - she can't stop you doing your best to let your SSs feel involved and part of your family! xxx

 

[rjsmam]

ladies.... help... what do you think....

my dh & I had a kinda argument earlier. he arranged for dss to come over tonight (unusual for a wk night) so they could spend some time together and go swimming. dh arranged it for earlyish... so i had to leave work early and collect ds etc so they could use car. dh already told me & ds earlier in wk, saying he wants to spend some one on one time with dss and that maybe ds could go too soon - but they will start going just the 2 of them. hmm... ds was ok about it and was understanding.

i just can't help thinking its a bit selfish and/or tactless? dss and ds and very close in age & my son doesn't have a dad (he died when ds was a baby). however i bit my tongue as i've been accused many times of interfering in 'their time' and dh is always pointing out how dss had to adjust to life when we got together. that gets my goat - we all had to adjust! my ds too! on the way home from work i didn't make a deal of it but just asked that he is tactful when he comes home & doesn't go on about what fun they had so ds doesnt' feel left out. cue dh ranting about me trying to stop him having time with dss etc etc rah rah rah

am i being over sensitive for my ds? sometimes i feel that we revolve around dss way too much - he has his family too, mum & new husband etc and it feels we all jump through hoops to make him happy - but my ds has just me and step dad.... i thought we were all a family now... do you think i'm being a bad person for thinking this way? am i being too touchy?? dh ended up ranting saying in future he just wont include ds if they go at wk ends etc which i think was just cruel.

sorry it's so long.. thanks for reading!!!

x

 

[tallybee]

ladies.... help... what do you think....

my dh & I had a kinda argument earlier. he arranged for dss to come over tonight (unusual for a wk night) so they could spend some time together and go swimming. dh arranged it for earlyish... so i had to leave work early and collect ds etc so they could use car. dh already told me & ds earlier in wk, saying he wants to spend some one on one time with dss and that maybe ds could go too soon - but they will start going just the 2 of them. hmm... ds was ok about it and was understanding.

i just can't help thinking its a bit selfish and/or tactless? dss and ds and very close in age & my son doesn't have a dad (he died when ds was a baby). however i bit my tongue as i've been accused many times of interfering in 'their time' and dh is always pointing out how dss had to adjust to life when we got together. that gets my goat - we all had to adjust! my ds too! on the way home from work i didn't make a deal of it but just asked that he is tactful when he comes home & doesn't go on about what fun they had so ds doesnt' feel left out. cue dh ranting about me trying to stop him having time with dss etc etc rah rah rah

am i being over sensitive for my ds? sometimes i feel that we revolve around dss way too much - he has his family too, mum & new husband etc and it feels we all jump through hoops to make him happy - but my ds has just me and step dad.... i thought we were all a family now... do you think i'm being a bad person for thinking this way? am i being too touchy?? dh ended up ranting saying in future he just wont include ds if they go at wk ends etc which i think was just cruel.

sorry it's so long.. thanks for reading!!!

x

I would be upset too. It sounds like your dh is being defensive and saying things he doesn't really mean. I can understand him wanting 1 to 1 time with your ss but if it means he's cutting out your son that is just wrong Does your dh spend 1 to 1 time with ur son too or is it all 'family time'

xx

 

[rjsmam]

no not really - at the wk end its very much family time - but there's no 1-2-1 time for ds and dh.... the thing is ds is really fine about it - but he's such a good boy - is very passive and wouldn't hurt a fly!! xxx

 

[rjsmam]

dh came home - started ranting about why was i so defensive & how dare i etc etc etc - tried over & over to point out that i just asked him to be tactful - i didnt at any point say he was doing anything wrong. he says i was defensive and made out he was excluding ds etc (which he was but i couldn't go there) and how he's entitled to 1-2-1 time with ds etc etc - he got shouty and then asked ds did he have an issue etc and said 'your mummy thinks i'm not being fair' etc - I only asked that he be tactful!!

even worse he sent a text whilst away asking why was i trying to stop him havin time with his son and so on - but sent it to dss mum instead by mistake - so now she'll think i'm stopping dss having time with his dad - just what we needed.....

i think it was totally out of order to drag ds into the coversation - i ushered ds upstairs to bed before dh got anymore shouty and managed bedtime story - now am just blubbing & am so angry as dhs behaviour

 

[pinkflamingo]

oh hun I am so sorry.

I can't speak from experience of being a mother myself, just a step-mum, but I agree that when you have children who live with you and children who don't, that they should be made to feel like they are all part of the same family. I do feel that at times parents should have some one on one time with the kids, but in your case this means that DH should also do the same for your son. Can you not explain this to him? he took on a parenting role to your son when he married you. You could say that this whole situation has made you think and realise a little more that he is now the sole father figure in your sons life and so you would like to encourage their relationship too, in the same way that he was trying to do with his son. maybe he could take your son swimming on another evening, or even to kick a ball in the park, anything that just involves the 2 of them.

Our situation is different in that my ss is 13 and so when we have babies they will not grow up together or do the same stuff. I do agree that your DH should not have brought your son into the conversation, I think that was a little cruel and unfair.

When he calms down hun just talk to him and explain that this is not about preventing time with his son, but instead you are trying to be fair to both children and in turn keep a family happy.

Good luck xx

 

[rjsmam]

thanks pinkflamingo & tallybee

we spoke a little but he's adamant that by asking him to be tactful I was implying he was doing something wrong with spending 1-2-1 time with dss.. he is actually the over defensive one & hence it degenerated into a huge deal. we still aren't really on the same wavelength and need to do more talking. i'm pleased that ds isn't really aware of what the whole convo was about (I think)

i really need to think how to get through to him - he claims he's aware & happy being ds step father and is willing to include him etc. but even though on this occasion i was just asking him to be tactful i'm still not sure his whole approach is right. i would seriously consider counselling/relate contact for this whole subject as it's always a source of big contention. i've just found a link for a service which i will consider investigating.

thanks for your support

x

 

[pinkflamingo]

I think that sounds like a really sensible plan hun. Someone asked us several years ago about how we had reached decisions on how to parent my ss together. It made us realise that actually we had never sat down and had a proper conversation about how we planned to do it at all!! I think we had just got caught up with dealing with the constant cr@p that bitchface was throwing our way, that we never thought about the practical day to day bits! Time went by and we had gotten into a routine and by the time things had settled down it wasn't really a thought to us as we had just been getting on with things.

Have you ever had this sort of conversation? I think with step-families there is always so much to think of with regards to introducing the new partner etc etc, so things like this could be overlooked way too easily.

If this is the case in your situation too, then maybe point this out to DH and agree to put a night aside where you can talk about it. It will involve talking about both children and also about ideas on how things will work when you fall pregnant with your (yours and his) baby. It will be even more important then for the boys to feel that they are all part of the same family and that your DH is a dad to all of them. You need to clear this up soon as you would not want your son to feel any exclusion by the fact that your DH is more of a dad to the other 2 but not him.

I am sure it will all be ok hun xx

 

[rjsmam]

I think that sounds like a really sensible plan hun. Someone asked us several years ago about how we had reached decisions on how to parent my ss together. It made us realise that actually we had never sat down and had a proper conversation about how we planned to do it at all!! I think we had just got caught up with dealing with the constant cr@p that bitchface was throwing our way, that we never thought about the practical day to day bits! Time went by and we had gotten into a routine and by the time things had settled down it wasn't really a thought to us as we had just been getting on with things.

Have you ever had this sort of conversation? I think with step-families there is always so much to think of with regards to introducing the new partner etc etc, so things like this could be overlooked way too easily.

If this is the case in your situation too, then maybe point this out to DH and agree to put a night aside where you can talk about it. It will involve talking about both children and also about ideas on how things will work when you fall pregnant with your (yours and his) baby. It will be even more important then for the boys to feel that they are all part of the same family and that your DH is a dad to all of them. You need to clear this up soon as you would not want your son to feel any exclusion by the fact that your DH is more of a dad to the other 2 but not him.

I am sure it will all be ok hun xx

thank PF - we've had conversations before - ranging from productive to defensive if you know what i mean - it's hard because we seem to seperate into 'camps' too much - the working together as a family bit is the hard thing - i probably am over senstive and protective of ds but I don't feel i should apologise for it - he's had it so tough! i think its a really good idea for us to try this again, in a considered manner - so thanks for the suggestion

i can sympathise with the dealing with ex scenario - we've had so much of that too - you end up dealing with so much grief its hard to see the wood for trees!

x