Struggling with female factor infertility

[Hatethewait85]

Thanks for sharing the information on foster-to-adopt. It does make it a bit less scary to know that, but no less heartbreaking and painful of a process than I imagined. Or at least it has the potential to be so. I thought it seemed odd that there were so few (I say that in comparison to the number I assumed was in foster care) and all special needs children on the website. I wish they would have all available children on the website. I will definitely have to read a bit more about it.

Good luck with the lap this week. It is on my wedding anniversary so I'll say it's a lucky day! I hope the lap brings insight and answers.

Hubs and I have also thought about moving to another state. Somewhere we can start fresh and new and make friends with people who don't have kids (we are literally the last). I'd definitely want to move somewhere a bit warmer. Although anywhere that gets over 100 in the summer is off the list. I can't handle that heat!! The hard part about moving for me too is finding a new job. For my profession, I have a killer job that pays well. And it's ideal for being a mom (if I ever get there). I'm probably too gun-shy to actually move out of state. But maybe I'll feel differently if I'm still childless in a year or two...

 

[Pirate]

Uprooting to move and leaving everything you know can be hard but also so rewarding. Hubs and I have lived in three different states since we started dating in 2007. We met when we were both living in Ohio, moved to Indiana for five years for me to go to grad school, and now we live in Pennsylvania.

I have a friend who has adopted three boys through the foster care system and is attempting to adopt a fourth. They were all their foster children first. The first was relatively "easy" because his mom is in prison and not eligible for parole until after he turns 18, the second and third (biological half brothers) weren't quite as smooth but it all worked out, and the fourth is proving to be the most challenging due to some unforeseen, last minute challenges.

 

[Hatethewait85]

Wow- 3 different states!! What ultimately brought you to PA? Do either of you have family near by or was it a job? Both of our families are in Wisconsin (although he has a sister in MN). Sometimes I think it would be nice to live farther away from family (my very fertile family) but I think I would miss seeing them all regularly if we moved. Hubs actually wants to get a travel trailer and travel the US for a year. I would do it, but I worry about life afterwards. Jobs (I should clarify, good jobs) in my profession are getting harder to find... Who knows where we'll end up. I get more open to being 'wild and crazy' every day!

It's good to hear of 'easy' success stories with adoption. Particularly foster to adopt. What's their secret? I'm sorry, though, to hear the last one is proving to be more of a challenge. I hope things work out for them soon.

 

[Christi85]

Thank you for the good thoughts Hatethewait85!
And happy early anniversary!!

I hope the lap goes well too. My doctor said she would be very conservative and would only remove any endometriosis from places that wouldn't hurt my reproductive organs, since preserving my fertility is the #1 goal (#2 goal is to get an official diagnosis for endo and see how extensive it is to advise on what treatment would be best - except I'm not too warm on IVF right now as you know, but she doesn't know that yet). She will also try to remove all of the cyst in the ovary, but if that isn't possible without damaging part of the ovary, she will opt to leave some of it in (assuming it's an endometrioma, which is probably the case based on the latest ultrasound), so that she doesn't hurt my remaining follicles. Which is I think the best I can hope for.

Yup, moving out of state is no easy task. I have to say, one thing I love about living in LA is how many people here do NOT have kids (many out of choice), and so we are very rarely asked about having kids by friends. Most assume we're waiting until we're older or we straight don't care about having them, I think. We do have a few friends who have them or are expecting their #1 now, but luckily most of them live out of state. At the same time, we have equally as many friends who are either still single or in a relationship with no immediate plans to get married, so for them, the prospect of kids is really distant. I can totally imagine being surrounded by friends with kids - that can't be easy...

Pirate - I agree about leaving everything behind. To be honest, I'm kinda reluctant to pack up and leave and do it again. I've done it twice now (with me it was also changing countries each time) and it hasn't been easy.

On a different note, I got quite upset this past Friday night. My father in law and his second wife (husband's parents are divorced and his dad has remarried) had us over for dinner that night - us and my sister in law and her husband (also childless, but so far, by choice). The night went very well, everyone was in a good mood, and then right before we were about to leave my father in law wanted to give us some books as presents - his work is with books, so he's a big 'book connoisseur' (or book snob ). Both couples got the same books. One was a cook book from the chef of a famous restaurant in the Bay Area (ok, great), the second one an adult version of Hand Kristian Andersen's tales (meaning, it included history, analysis, commentary on each tale etc.). I didn't read anything into it, but as we started looking at the Andersen tales book, FIL's wife started giggling and saying 'now you know what we're expecting, hopefully in the near future'. My SIL and husband know about our struggles - so does my MIL - and have been very discreet at not telling others, but since we're not that close with FIL and his wife (long story, the reason why he divorced MIL was to be with this woman, so for a long time our relationship with those two was very tense), we haven't told them anything. And we won't be telling them anything anytime soon, unless we decide to adopt for example. Another conversation was going on at the same time, so neither us nor my SIL commented on that, and we let it go. Then she said it again, probably thinking that we didn't hear her. I'm sure we both did, we were just feeling a bit awkward knowing what was going on with us. Again, none of us said anything and we let it pass. And THEN, she said it yet again, really wanting to drive the point home
At which point I just said 'well, you may have to wait a while' and I left it at that. But I was really upset afterwards (luckily we left soon after that), especially at her insistence - I wouldn't have minded if she just said it once in passing, but she really insisted and repeated the comment three times making me think that she really wanted to see our reaction. Even more annoying, we are not related to this woman. We aren't her kids (she has two of her own from a previous marriage), so I don't know why she felt so anxious for us and SIL to have kids soon. And why she had to be so indiscreet about it and hit us over the head with that stupid comment
On a funny note, while I do cook a lot, my SIL is clueless and doesn't really care about cooking, and she does seem to get annoyed every time someone hints that she should learn to cook. So, while I got insulted with the HK Andersen book (well, not the book itself, but the comments that accompanied it given my fertility struggles), I'm sure my SIL got insulted with the cook book that she'll never use. So they managed to piss off both couples with their book choices while being completely oblivious about it That takes some talent

 

[Pirate]

I accepted a position (my dream job, actually) in PA. While my job search was pretty much nationwide, we're both really happy that I found a job this close to "home." When we lived in Indiana, we were about 5.5 hours from my family and about 7 from his so coming home, even for a weekend, was a pain in the butt and we didn't get to see family as often as we would have liked. Now we're about 1.5 hours from his family and about 2.5 from mine. This is advantageous because we get to see them a lot more frequently, but can also be a pain because we are "expected" to attend more family gatherings now that we live closer (though sometimes I think that they don't realize that driving a round trip total of 5 hours for a 2 hour birthday party is silly).

Moving is also hard in terms of friends. We had a bunch of friends in Ohio but grew apart from most of them because of distance and loosing what we had in common (mainly they all went on to have kids). When we moved to Indiana we also met some really good friends, but most of them went on to accept positions all over the country, and now in PA it's hard in terms of making friends because most people in the 30-40 age range have lives that center around their children.

 

[Hatethewait85]

Christi- That's good that your doc is being conservative in an effort to maintain your fertility as best as possible. I really hope there's minimal issues! That's annoying about your FIL's wife!! That would be frustrating to have her bring it up so many times.

Pirate- So good you were able to find your dream job so close to family Hubs and I live similar similar distance as you and your hubs from family. We always end up making a weekend out of every 'event' because it's ridiculous to drive 5hrs in the car like you say to celebrate a birthday. The hard part is visiting my family - they have no spare bedrooms since both of my grandmas live with them so we end up sleeping on the couch!

I'm a little jealous you've both lived in so many places! I have always lived in Wisconsin and currently live the farthest I've ever lived from family (2.5 hrs). But I live in a really small town (pop < 2k) and have yet to make a single friend since I moved here 5 years ago. I always thought I'd have kids and make 'mom friends.' We do live near a larger city that we used to live in and where many of our friends live- except they are all 'mom friends' so I'm often left out :/ I'd like to think if we do bite the bullet and move out of state, I would be forced to make new friends... but I'm not so sure I actually would!!

 

[Pirate]

We usually end up making a weekend out of things too! It's easier to go to my parent's house because we can bring our dog with us (they live on a farm) which means we don't have to arrange (or pay for) boarding for him. My in-laws live in a 55 and older condo community and large dogs aren't allowed and his brother doesn't want a dog in his house (which I do respect), so overnight visits to their house involve arranging and paying for boarding so we don't go there quite as frequently.

I sort of put off making friends too in the hope that I would makes some mom friends. Now that it's extremely likely that I'll never be a mom and thus not have a need for mom friends, I'm trying to figure out ways to make new friends. You should move to PA and we could be infertile friends together!

 

[Christi85]

I'm exactly the same with friends. We have very few who live in state/in town. Everyone else is out of state or out of town, so we see them once-twice a year. And many are starting to have kids now, so who knows...I too thought I'd be making mom friends, but until I do become a mom, that isn't an option, and it doesn't seem like it's happening any time soon.
Well, we may all be far away from each other, but we do keep each other company in here (as much company as you can keep someone from a PC/laptop screen ).

My lap is tomorrow early afternoon, and I'm getting a little nervous. I'll update here as soon as I'm able to, but if I'm too dizzy/drowsy/sore, it may not be for a couple days. Today I'm tying off loose ends at home and errands-wise, doing some last minute shopping, preparing our place for my recovery, doing laundry etc. Off to do some errands and I'll catch you ladies on the flip side

 

[Hatethewait85]

Pirate-
Dogs do make it hard. Fortunately both sets of parents are ok with a pup visiting (my parents have a pit). We have to bring our crate for my in laws but it's not too bad. If I had to pay for boarding each time I probably wouldn't go often either. That adds up fast!

I've been trying to think of other ways to make friends too but I'm coming up pretty empty handed in my small town. All the more reason to move to PA Although, PA is not much of a weather upgrade from WI in the winter is it? Sometimes I wish I could collect all the bnb people I've 'met' and move to a tropical island so I could surround myself with people who understand this. If only life was that simple!

Christi-
Good luck tomorrow!! I hope you rest easy tonight and you got all of your tasks done today. I'm sure things will be flawless tomorrow! Update when you can but definitely take care of yourself first and foremost.

I'm definitely grateful to have bnb friends. Thanks to you both for making the journey a little less lonely!

 

[Pirate]

I'll be thinking about you today, Christi!

I'm all for the BnB Infertiles Island! PA probably isn't that much different in terms of weather. Maybe a bit "warmer" but that is about it. And we have mountains which can make navigating in poor weather a challenge (but unlike anyplace else I've ever lived, people in PA actually know how to drive in snow). At least I live in a large city! (well the 'burbs anyway).

 

[Christi85]

Thank you girls!
It's 8:30pm here and I don't have to go in until 12:30pm (procedure is at 1:30), and I can't have anything to eat or drink. So while hubby is having a hearty breakfast (he took the day off today to be with me), I'm just fooling around waiting for the time to pass.

The BnB Infertiles island sounds like a great idea!!
I'd be up for it!!
I'm glad too that I have some people to talk to who understand exactly what I'm going through

 

[Hatethewait85]

Hope everything went well yesterday, Christi!! I know recovery after a lap can be long and hard so update when you can.

Alright. I think I'll have to research property so I can establish the Infertile Island. Sounds like it'd be pretty popular

Also, I have good news- I think my herbs are working. I went to acupuncture yesterday and my acupuncturist was squealing with delight a the site of my tongue. Apparently it looked much better (less 'hot' ) so hooray for better looking tongues! I have noticed that my hands and feet aren't as cold or as sweaty and I haven't been waking up feeling super warm in the morning Maybe there's hope for me after all. Will definitely keep you all updated with any other progress.

Have a happy Memorial Day weekend! I'll be celebrating at a Wedding on Sunday... I have mixed feelings about that. It better have an open bar at least!

 

[Pirate]

Hope you are doing well, Christi! I'm curious to hear how it went.

There aren't very many good things about infertility, but being able to drink whenever we want is one of the good things. Same with coffee.

 

[Christi85]

Thank you girls!

I had my lap yesterday and I'm now recovering. I'm still in pain but doing better. I'll be taking it very easy for the next several days. So, my ovarian cyst was indeed endo - the doctor removed about 80% of it and 'burned' the rest as it was firmly attached to the ovarian wall and she didn't want to destroy any part of the ovary. She also found some endo in one fallopian tube, although they are both fully open, and some deep lesions in the pelvic floor and bladder but she didn't do anything about those as she wanted to preserve fertility for now. All in all, she said she'd call it 'moderate endo'. No scar tissue or adhesions, which was good to hear. Other than the ovarian cyst, it didn't sound like she touched any of the rest.

I'm seeing her on 6/9 for my post-op appointment and we're going to discuss her treatment recommendations then, but she told my husband she recommended that we waited one full cycle for me to heal. Then on the next cycle she wanted me to take the ovarian stimulation drugs in order for us to harvest eggs and freeze them. Then she wanted me to go on Lupron shots for a couple months to suppress the endo, and when we're done with that, fertilize the eggs and do an embryo transfer cycle with the frozen eggs. As you realize, I'm not crazy about this plan, and with my endo now confirmed, I'm really not sure I should be taking any medication for ovarian stimulation. At the same time, I'm not crazy about going on Lupron for any extended period of time, because we have a family history of osteoporosis and I've heard nasty things from women who took it over several months. I just need to find a good way to tell her that I don't intend on going forward with IVF, at least not now
Instead, I want to research NaPro more and also see if I can find an acupuncturist/herb specialist to start working with, once I'm fully recovered.

Hatethewait85 - awesome news that your herbs are working! This is giving me so much hope, because I want to take a similar approach to my infertility Keep updating us
And yes, the Infertile Island sounds awesome - I'm in

 

[Hatethewait85]

Pirate- you are so right on the alcohol! I stopped worrying about it in the tww even. After ttc for nearly 3 years and failing IVF, the odds are I'm not pregnant. And if on the lucky chance that I am, I typically don't drink enough to really cause a problem in the early days. I did give up coffee and I don't really miss it right now. It helps that the sun is up and it is warm when I get up in the morning. I'll probably go back to decaf in the fall/winter.

Christi- Glad you are making the road to recovery! Sounds like it was a good thing to have the lap done but it stinks she found as much endo as she did. I wouldn't worry about coming up with a good way to tell your doc, she shouldn't take it personally. I would just be honest. Although you're not planning to do it, I find it interesting that she'd freeze your eggs and not embryos. I always thought embryos froze better than eggs so I wonder why she'd wait to fertilize your eggs?


As for infertile island, perhaps we can find a celebrity who suffered with infertility to help sponsor the purchasing of said island? After all my treatments, I have no spare money to even go to an island let alone purchase one!

 

[Christi85]

Haha, I second the idea of a celeb sponsor

I am feeling better each day, which is good. But I still have a long way to go 'till full recovery. Yeah, it kinda sucks that I had endo in those places, but I am encouraged by the fact that it is 'moderate' vs. severe. I was fearing the worst. There were no adhesions or scar tissue, which is great, and I have one perfect ovary and one perfect fallopian tube. So I'm focusing on the good side of things
Maybe I'm completely delusional, but I still don't see how it would be impossible for me to fall pregnant spontaneously at some point since I don't have anything blocked, though I do realize it could take a very long time. Still, I don't think I'd be a good candidate for IVF, unless I had tons of money to spend trying multiple rounds and different protocols to find out what works, which I don't. All the while making my endo flare up with the IVF meds, which is the last thing I want - my plan is to actually try and contain or shrink it if I can, not give it a boost . And adoption is always a possibility for us, so I think we will be parents eventually, one way or another.

Re my doctor - lately things have been rubbing me the wrong way for some reason. It didn't sit well with me that she started blabbering about potential treatment options just as I had started to come round from the anesthesia. I found that quite insensitive. She was mainly talking to my husband, but I remember parts of what she said and somewhere in my clouded thinking, I remember feeling this was not the time or place for that discussion. I'm not sure why she would want to freeze my eggs first. My guess would be because of my DOR - she's probably afraid I will become a poor responder if we allow much time to pass, so she wants to do it asap. Also, possibly because my husband had raised concerns at an earlier consultation about creating excess embryos - her response was that we could just freeze eggs and then thaw and fertilize as needed. At the same consultation though, she had explicitly told me that I'd be producing 8-10 eggs most likely with maximum stim, so it's not like we're going to have a huge amount to 'play' with. And some will inevitably not make it during the thawing process, so I really don't see how this whole procedure would have a good chance of success for me and my specific issues, and I don't have the money or energy to keep experimenting with it.
The problem is that she already booked me in for an IVF consultation the day of my post-op appointment, which I didn't quite request. She called me the day after my lap and after we discussed the findings for a couple minutes, as I was about to hang up, she asked if I wanted to talk about treatment plans at the post-op. At that point I just wanted to get rid of her and I said ok, let's talk about it then (fully expecting to just tell her 'no, thanks' at the post-op), but she then said we would need additional time So she booked me in for a consultation, which I don't want to pay for since I won't be pursuing treatment at this time. This whole time I feel I'm not being listened to (not to mention given the chance to speak, and the few times I have, I feel what I've said is not being taken into consideration) and I have been made to feel very rushed. I feel like we're on totally different pages, as I never even once told her I was interested in IVF and have always said that I wanted non invasive treatment, yet somehow, she's always assumed that's what I'd be doing. To add insult to injury, her office staff have been quite insensitive and inconsiderate on a few occasions, though that isn't as much the doctor's fault. It's just the general vibe I've been getting lately that I'm just seen as a bunch of $$$, which is funny because I don't have those
So my plan is to call the office sometime this coming week, tell them hubby and I have decided not to pursue treatment and ask to cancel the consultation and just go in for the post-op. Then I will probably have to call her personally and let her know, because if I don't, I feel she may be calling me to try to change my mind. Either way, I expect a spiel on how unlikely I am to fall pregnant on my own and why I need IVF etc. But oh well. Hopefully this will be the last time I have to deal with them and then I can go on to try my natural stuff (NaPro or eastern medicine or both) which I'm very excited about

 

[Pirate]

I'm so sorry about all of the problems with your doc/ doc's office. That is so not what you need right now! I am glad to hear that your recovery is going well though! I really hope that despite all of the shit odds that we all have working in our favor, that we all end up pregnant.

 

[Christi85]

I'm so sorry about all of the problems with your doc/ doc's office. That is so not what you need right now! I am glad to hear that your recovery is going well though! I really hope that despite all of the shit odds that we all have working in our favor, that we all end up pregnant.

Ditto, for all of us

 

[Christi85]

Sooo...
After a very low key Memorial Day weekend, where all I did was sleep, read and take short strolls with hubby around the neighborhood, I am back
Still taking it easy (and will continue this way in the next week or two) as I'm nowhere near fully recovered, but I am feeling considerably better inside and out.

Some news I'd like to share:
1) I finished Julia Indichova's second book, The Fertile Heart. Unlike 'Inconceivable', where I felt it only fell together towards the end (even though the message was inspirational, can't deny that), this one is a compilation of all her experiences working with women for 15 years, helping them re-invent themselves and realize their potential above and beyond achieving motherhood (the vast majority of these women do end up creating happy families - the vast majority through natural pregnancies that often come after a poor prognosis from doctors, some through IVF, and some through adoption). This book is really inspiring and kept me interested from the very beginning. She echoes many of my own thoughts in it, and offers suggestions for imagery and visualization exercises, decoding dreams etc. Very interesting stuff that I always thought I wanted to dive more into but never really pursued. Now may be the time. Her main theme is that yourself and nobody else is your best advocate. That no doctor, expert, number, or statistic determines who you are as a whole or the end outcome. You need to be the ultimate authority deciding for yourself. In her book, she even quotes an unbelievable story, among others, where a woman falls naturally pregnant with an AMH of 0.01 and an FSH of 150 Here is the story in her blog: https://www.fertileheart.com/getting-pregnant-with-low-amh-success-stories/
There is NO promise anywhere that you WILL get pregnant with her methods (which is a holistic approach to improving body and mind but not yet another one of these feel-good practices), but the pledge she makes is that, if you are committed to doing the work she recommends (tailored to your own personal needs and circumstances), if you are willing to really dive into yourself with honesty and re-invent it with time and patience, that you will start seeing things very differently, and as a matter of fact, many women start to see physical changes as well in their body, health, reproductive systems etc. and most do eventually fall pregnant once they've truly healed.
I felt like I wanted to work more with her as this is the direction I've been envisioning for myself - I've been much too stressed, frustrated, feeling powerless, negative, and this needs to change. But I'm already feeling calmer and more optimistic. I have signed up for a teleconference workshop she offers over 3 sessions - June 10, 17 and 24, and I can't wait. I will let you know how these go.

2) As I said earlier, IVF (or other fertility treatments for that matter) will have to wait for now. I'm nowhere near ready emotionally, psychologically, physically or financially, plus I'm too scared the medications will only make my endo worse (I know it's happened to other women) and that I'm not that much of a good responder anyway, so what's the point in spending all this money if my chances aren't great and risking my health worsening? I need to heal inside and out and I still think I'm better off trying for a natural pregnancy. So, I'm calling the doctor's office this morning to cancel my egg freezing/IVF consult and tell them I'll only go in for my post-op that day. I wish I didn't have to go back at all, but unfortunately I have to have my post-op. Man, will that feel liberating, never having to go back to that clinic after the post-op

 

[Pirate]

It does feel empowering to make decisions! Glad you are at peace with the ones that you have made!