Struggling with female factor infertility

[slg76]

Hi ladies,

Pirate it struck me when you said, "I'm not sure if I'm in love with the notion of being a mother or if I'm in love with the notion of having kids." Sometimes I wonder if I'm in love with having another child or just angry that cancer took the choice away from me. I am beyond grateful that I have my daughter and feel like a second child would just be a bonus. I can't imagine how different this process would be for me if I didn't already have a child. I think if I don't get pregnant in the next 6 months we will call it quits and be happy with our little family as it is.

Today I had one big follicle at 20 mm. My plan was to do an Ovidrel shot and IUI but I think I'm Oing on my own today. So, hubby is on his way home (he works out of town) and we will just do it the old fashioned way. My RE doesn't think the injections did anything for me because I make one follicle and ovulate on my own anyway. I'm going to acupuncture tomorrow to support implantation (should conception happen). I'm feeling very discouraged today but am trying to pick up my mood because being down in the dumps isn't going to help anything.

 

[Christi85]

Yay for ovulating and happy BDing And yes, practice positive thinking Acupuncture will help too, I'm sure
Your 6 month plan sounds good too. At the end of the day, all you can do is give your best and whatever happens!!

I forgot to add earlier that yes, I will definitely update you guys about Julia Indichova's sessions. I'm looking forward to them! First session is in the evening of June 10, followed by two more sessions on the 17th and 24th

Note: Since I'll be sticking to this forum for a while, it was about time I used an avatar

 

[slg76]

Christi, your avatar makes me laugh. It immediately popped into my head that my 3 year old thinks it's normal to "wee" in a cup since I do it so often

 

[Pirate]

Love the avatar!

@sig, 20mm is a pretty nice size follicle if I remember correctly! I hope it is the lucky one!

I honestly think that I'm mourning the fact that I'll likely never be a mother quite a bit less than I'm mourning the fact that I'll never get to see what hubs plus me looks like, if that makes sense.

 

[Hatethewait85]

Pirate- That's good that your hubs has taken it so well and you two are on the same page. Every time we've failed to get pregnant, hubs seems more distraught than I am. More angry than sad though. Which makes me even sadder I think we'll have to set an end date soon, too. Actually, I'm pretty sure if we don't get a natural BFP or fail IVF in the fall (if we even go through with that) we will move on to adoption by the end of the year.

slg- Hooray for O time. I'm hoping to not be far behind you. So we can share in the tww misery together! There's a lot of research on the benefits of acupuncture in supporting a pregnancy! So it's definitely a good thing to add that in there

Christi- Nice avatar!

So I picked up some more opk's today and the girl checking me out said 'woah! those are expensive' and when the computer spit out a coupon with my receipt, she said 'hopefully you don't need more and you'll get a good result!' Of course she had no idea I wasn't buying a pregnancy test... wouldn't it be awesome to have no idea what an opk was?! Ha if only life was that simple...

 

[slg76]

my husband will also take it much harder than I will if we can't have another baby. He is more emotional than I am in general. He also had a very hard time with our miscarriage. I feel terrible for both of us that we can't just get pregnant like most other people.

Yay, a 2WW buddy I hope you O soon. I'm almost certain I did today. My doctor said my blood work showed an LH surge and I had lots of CM and ovary pain. So on to the wait I go.....

 

[Christi85]

Haha, thanks girls

sIg - yay for the nice big follicle!!

Pirate - what you say makes sense to me. I have thought of that myself.

Hatethewait and sIg - men's feelings are usually ignored when it comes to infertility. It's pretty sad, everyone tends to think it's just the woman who's suffering when sometimes men take it even worse.
My hubby is somewhat disappointed, but somehow he is convinced that we will have children of our own, he says there's no doubt in his mind
I don't know if this is denial or gut feeling, lol. Hoping for the latter

Yeah, it would be nice if life was as simple as this girl made it sound...
I've stopped using OPKs myself - way too stressful for me. We just make sure we have daily BD throughout the whole fertile window (and up to 2 days after I've ovulated, just to be sure ). When we resume the 'sport' (I want to wait until I've had my post-op) I may consider adding BDing twice a day , since we don't have a sperm issue.

Good luck on your 2WW
I am still waiting for my AF. Who knows when it will arrive. Yesterday was 28 days and it hasn't made an appearance yet, though I wonder if the lap affected the timing. The discharge handout they gave me said it can take up to 4-6 weeks to resume menstrual cycles though my doctor had said it shouldn't affect it To me it makes more sense that it would have been affected by the lap, even though a hysteroscopy wasn't done with it. The system down there was still messed around with, so...
Of course I've been having light spotting ever since the surgery (again, that is supposed to be normal for up to 3-4 weeks), but nothing even closely resembling AF. So I'm just waiting for now...
Meanwhile, I've started researching local homeopaths/acupuncturists and will hopefully make an appointment with someone in the coming weeks. I'd rather get my AF and be done with my post-op first though, before I see anyone.

 

[Mikihob]

Chrisit OPK's don't work for me either. In 2012 Clomid didn't work for me but I had positive OPK's every month. Now that Clomid is working, I can't seem to get a positive OPK to save my life. PCOS sucks. Female infertility is lame. I did my IUI on May 30 and still don't have a positive. I am hoping to get one tonight or tomorrow. Yes it would mean I am not preggo but at least I could get a freakin positive.

Ugh, rant over. I feel better. DH doesn't always understand the worrying and stressing over this.

 

[Christi85]

Turns out AF came on Saturday, just 2 days late
I'm glad it came when it did, as I was bracing myself for up to a 4 week delay
I want it done and over with, so that I can move on. Still researching acupuncturists, but I'm narrowing down my options. Hopefully I'll get to see someone soon.
In the meantime, I'm making changes to my diet and starting to eat healthier (meaning, organic only, substituting dairy with other things and avoiding wheat - the latter two are said to make endometriosis worse because they cause more inflammation). I'm still not 100% from the lap, but I'm wondering if I can start with some easy work outs later this week, as I'm starting to feel like a blob, lol

Mikihob - did you have an ultrasound before your IUI to confirm you had ovulated? I thought that's what they did. I think ultrasounds would be much more reliable than OPKs, so if the ultrasound showed you had ovulated and you did your insemination at the right time, no need to worry about getting a positive OPK (by the way, if ovulation was confirmed by ultrasound, wouldn't the OPK be negative from now on, since you've already ovulated?)

 

[Mikihob]

Mikihob - did you have an ultrasound before your IUI to confirm you had ovulated? I thought that's what they did. I think ultrasounds would be much more reliable than OPKs, so if the ultrasound showed you had ovulated and you did your insemination at the right time, no need to worry about getting a positive OPK (by the way, if ovulation was confirmed by ultrasound, wouldn't the OPK be negative from now on, since you've already ovulated?)

No it wasn't confirmed with an ultrasound. I am doing unmonitored cycles. I based this IUI on my period length. If this IUI doesn't work, I am moving into ultrasounds and an HCG trigger. My issue is that I am working with an OB/GYN since we don't have RE's in Fairbanks. If I get a positive OPK today for example it will help me narrow down ultrasound dates next month. Frustrating.

 

[Christi85]

Mikihob - did you have an ultrasound before your IUI to confirm you had ovulated? I thought that's what they did. I think ultrasounds would be much more reliable than OPKs, so if the ultrasound showed you had ovulated and you did your insemination at the right time, no need to worry about getting a positive OPK (by the way, if ovulation was confirmed by ultrasound, wouldn't the OPK be negative from now on, since you've already ovulated?)

No it wasn't confirmed with an ultrasound. I am doing unmonitored cycles. I based this IUI on my period length. If this IUI doesn't work, I am moving into ultrasounds and an HCG trigger. My issue is that I am working with an OB/GYN since we don't have RE's in Fairbanks. If I get a positive OPK today for example it will help me narrow down ultrasound dates next month. Frustrating.

I see. Well then, I hope then that you get your positive soon
Though even more than that, I hope that your OPKs didn't work, that you've already ovulated, that you did the IUI at the right time, and that you get a BFP in a few days
I don't think an RE is required for IUI. Definitely required for an IVF, but IUIs are much less 'technical'. I've heard of many OB/GYNS actually performing IUIs, so don't worry yourself about that

 

[Mikihob]

Thanks Chrisit. OPK's from May 23-yesterday all negative. I am officially done POAS.

I am hoping we caught the egg this time. If we have to move into IVF we have to travel out of state because Fairbanks doesn't have a fertility clinic or doctors who can do that here. Dumb huh?. We were thinking of Seattle Reproductive Medicine or maybe doing egg sharing at a clinic in Texas.

It's all planned out. I am a planner afterall. DH always gives me a hard time because I try to plan EVERYTHING.

How are you doing?

 

[Christi85]

I've everything crossed for you Mikihob
It sucks that you'd have to travel to another state to have IVF - let's hope it's not needed
Egg sharing is at least a cheaper alternative to egg donorship that's so expensive!!

I hear you about planning everything - I'm the same way

I'm doing well, better every day. Nothing much to report for now, but I should have plenty of news next week after I start Julia Indichova's sessions and also after my post-op on Monday.

On an irrelevant note, I don't know how many of you have been following Pirate's journal, but we may not be hearing from her for a while. She has decided she needs a break from it all, baby making, BnB and all, which is probably a wise decision. Since she was one of the first people to join this thread and support me when I was at my worst, I feel like I'm going to miss her and I secretly hope she changes her mind and comes back soon (but at the end of the day, I know she needs to do what's best for her, and that's what I wish for her, wholeheartedly). I wrote all that in her journal too, but I wanted to say it here as well, as I feel she's been an important contributor to this thread for the short time it has been running Hope to see you again (hopefully soon) Pirate! Take care of yourself and feel better!

 

[Christi85]

I dropped the ball here lately, but there's literally not much to report.
I had my first teleconference session with Julia Indichova and the group yesterday and as promised, I am updating you on how it went:

It was the first part of a 3 part intro series. It officially lasts for an hour and a half, but it ran to almost 2 hours. We must have been about 8-9 ladies calling in to the seminar (you can call via regular phone with a long distance connection or via skype - I did skype and paid only about $2.70 for the -almost - 2 hour call). After an introduction, we started with some relaxation and visualization exercises, which I personally found very useful. I was entirely relaxed, which was a small miracle given that I've been quite stressed lately and the fact that our apartment is near a busy street, so it wasn't exactly quiet outside (though I made sure it was dead quiet inside, and I pretty much locked myself into a room not to be disturbed by anything ). We then did more visualization plus another exercise where we had to complete sentences given to us, with the goal of discovering what comes to the surface when we are relaxed and really trying to dive into ourselves. For the last part of the session, Julia invited some of the ladies in the group to speak about their experiences and struggles (all fertility related) and then she got them to do the exercises with her, and I have to say, some very very interesting things surfaced from those lovely ladies. I admit I was in tears a few times hearing them. Julia would then either make subtle recommendations on what they could work more on or suggesting additional exercises etc. I wasn't invited to speak this time, but hearing the other ladies speak about themselves was very beneficial in itself. And I now know how to do these particular exercises to dive into myself if needed.

Julia followed up with an email today to all of us with suggestions on exercises we could work on for next time, as well as things to read/reflect upon/pay attention to (e.g. dreams - a big part of the practice). We are free to email her for anything we need and we have been encouraged to email her with regards to specific 'assignments' she gave so that we can engage with her directly and get her help, feedback, whatever. She also set up a closed 'forum' just for us in this group to post/support each other if desired.

The goal of Julia's whole practice is to gradually discover yourself and dig deeper and deeper into what may be troubling or blocking you, and then embracing yourself as a whole - the fears, doubts, blames or whatever other negative emotions/thoughts, as well as learning to trust the wisdom we all have within, giving it a voice and acting on it, while acting compassionately towards what's holding you back (so the goal is not to actually block those negative voices/feelings or make them shut up, but to actually embrace them and use them in creative ways, so that they don't determine us anymore and become driving forces instead). Of course all this is easier said than done, and much and consistent practice is needed using all the tools available through the courses: visualization exercises, body-mind work, perhaps even lifestyle changes etc. It is still very early but I am happy I joined this community. I feel it is something I need in my life right now, given the path I'm taking.

Personally, based on the little I've experienced, I would recommend it as a useful tool. I do have to say though, it is stressed that consistent, daily practice is needed for any results to start coming through, and I would personally add that reading at least her Fertile Female book before taking any of these sessions is a very good idea, as she uses a lot of terminology mentioned in that book that could sound strange or even incomprehensible to someone not familiar with it. I think I would have felt lost if I had taken the seminar without having read the book. I don't own her imagery exercise CDs yet (there's 4 of them adding up to a total of $115), but I intend to get them soon. It is not required or anything, but since many of the imagery exercises are taken from those CDs (they are a 'deeper' and more thorough step from the Fertile Female book), I feel that diving into it seriously and consistently cannot be done without them.

So that is that. Obviously I can't share any specifics about the exercises or methods used, as I don't own the copyright to those, neither can I talk specifically about what was discussed in this group in relation to what challenges other participants are facing, but I will say this practice can become a very useful and powerful life tool, if used correctly and with lots of patience and perserverance. So thumbs up for me

In other news, I'm yet to go to an acupuncturist/natural medicine specialist. I don't know what's holding me back, but I still want to do it soon. On Monday I had my post-op, and while everything seems ok from the lap, my doctor still wanted me to do fertility treatments asap due to my low AMH. I told her I wasn't ready, she suggested I could try IUI if I thought IVF was too hardcore, but I said I'd have to think about it and that was the end of it. I don't want to think about AMH or other fertility problems anymore, and fertility treatments are not in the cards for me right now. I just feel this strong need to go on to my healing path and more than anything, RELAX. This is what I need most right now.

 

[Mikihob]

That sounds very useful. I am glad that you got so much out of the first session. Yes, having low AMH does kinda put a rush on things, but if you aren't ready- rushing it could actually stress you out too much that IVF won't work. If you can get to a point you are healthier, happier and less stressed and still need fertility treatments you will have a better chance of getting pregnant because you will be relaxed.

One of the other ladies here has a low AMH and did IVF last July. She now has a baby boy who was born in March. She gotten pregnant with twins and lost on at about 7-9 weeks (can't remember exactly).

I am happy to hear that you are doing so well and focusing on yourself for a bit. DH and I might do that if this IUI and the next fail. A break is sometimes the best medicine.

 

[Christi85]

Quick update: I finally booked an appointment with a naturopath/acupuncturist for Wednesday morning. I'll be going in for a first consultation and my first ever acupuncture session. I hope to discuss diet changes and herbs as well. I'm quite excited and hopeful

That, and tomorrow is my second phone session with the Julia Indichova group, which I'm also looking forward to

 

[Hatethewait85]

Sorry I disappeared from the thread for awhile. Life really has been keeping me way to busy. Sounds like the phone conferences are a good resource for you Christi. I'm so glad you signed up with an acupuncturist!! Good luck tomorrow. Can't wait to hear how it goes!

 

[Christi85]

Today I had my first meeting with the acupuncturist. She specializes in infertility and pregnancy (also in orthopedics, but that doesn't apply to me), which was one reason why I picked her. The other reason being that she was close to home.

I told her all about my diagnosis and infertility. She recommended herbs that will help balance all my hormones, which is great because I'd long suspected hormonal imbalances (interestingly, she said that sometimes hormones look good on paper, but this may not actually always be the case in reality). She doesn't think my endometriosis is causing my infertility, especially since it's not blocking anything (tubes are open etc.), so she said it should be enough to treat it with the hormonal balance treatment, because that will also help blood flow more freely, which does help endo. She didn't feel that treating the endo alone would make a difference fertility-wise. So I'm going to take her advice. As for the low AMH, she said that it's only a problem at this stage if the quality of my eggs is also compromised, which there is no way of knowing of course. But she is prescribing supplements that will boost egg quality, which I was also very happy about

I also had my first acupuncture session which was very relaxing. She wants to see me for acupuncture once a week and possibly twice on the days before my ovulation, because at that time she wants to boost my ovarian function with electro-acupuncture. Which I told her it sounded a little scary, lol
So she sent me home with 10 bottles of herbs and supplements , some of which I'll be taking throughout the cycle, while others are tailored to specific parts of the cycle (menstrual, follicular, ovulatory and luteal), and we'll be adjusting doses accordingly as needed, if needed. I'm free to discontinue prenatal vitamins - yay!
I was also given a chart to fill out with details of what I eat, drink etc., bowel movements, sleep patterns etc. on a daily basis, which I need to do for a week and bring back to our next acupuncture session next week. This will give her additional information on me and she may make diet or lifestyle change recommendations.

Finally, during our initial discussion, she flat out told me that she cannot guarantee me that I will get pregnant, but I'd be worried if she did. I mean, nobody knows - not us, not the acupuncturists, not even the REs with the fancy expensive treatments. She said what she can promise is that we should be able to regulate my hormones and balance my cycles, boost ovarian function and quality of eggs, and bring stress levels down, all of which are music to my ears. If a baby comes along with that at some point, this would be a bonus!
She also said that some of her patients prefer not to TTC for the first month of taking herbs just to give their body time to adjust to the hebrs, but that it's up to me. I of course would love to keep trying without interruption, but I've heard other acupuncturists/herbalists advise not to try for the first month. Not sure why that is, but as of now my intention is to try as normal next month as well (barring any unforseen circumstances of course).

 

[Hatethewait85]

Sounds like a really productive first session! My acupuncture asks about all of those things too. A chart to track would be kind of nice because I think I tend to forget everything that happens in the week between appointments

My acupuncturist wanted us to hold of on TTC the first month of herbs because of the herbs. And you know what happened the first month we tried after that If she didn't say the herbs would be problem while ttc, I'd totally keep ttc! Good luck!!

 

[Christi85]

Thank you Hatethewait

Yes, this is what I thought I had heard about herbs and TTC for the first month. Maybe I'll ask her again next week, but she did say it was up to me. She did say though, she wanted to know what we had decided (TTC or not TTC). I wonder if we do TTC whether she will switch the dosage - we will see. I'm currently on CD21, so I expect to get AF in 6-8 days from now, so plenty of time until my next fertile window.

I'm doing the Blossom 4 Phases herbal treatment, I don't know if it is different to other herbal treatments. It does say in the instructions to discontinue when you become pregnant (notice the 'when', not 'if' lol). The instructions also say that each course is 3 months, and that results can usually be seen within 1-3 courses (meaning, anything from 3-9 months). I wonder if that means that, if I'm not pregnant after 9 cycles, this treatment wasn't the right one for me???
Anyway, the instructions are also very adamant about being calm and relaxed during a cycle, which...hmm, is the hardest part I think.

Hatewait, since you had unexplained infertility, maybe the herbs was all you needed
I've told you before in your journal that your story is a great inspiration for me, it made me very hopeful and I took it as a good sign for me too

I realized I'm taking 21 capsules a day 9 of them are the herbs and 12 are the supplements (that were meant to replace my prenatals): flaxseed oil, royal jelly, L'Arginine, CoQ10, wheat germ oil, and vitamin D3 since I had low levels before. I take 10 capsules in the morning, 6 in the afternoon and 5 in the evening. Talk about crazy
I have created a daily chart (yet another one!) on my PC, so that I can keep track of what I take and when.