The 'chit chat' thread

[Miss Mitch]

It is not your fault at all, ur body did its best, you could have done nothing more! You was on best rest etc, u couldn't physically (sp?) done anything else. Regardless of when it happened, u r sticking with us in here! We all need eachother.

It's Olivia's due date today, we r going to let balloons off and have some lunch etc. hope u all have a nice day xx

 

[dancareoi]

It is not your fault at all, ur body did its best, you could have done nothing more! You was on best rest etc, u couldn't physically (sp?) done anything else. Regardless of when it happened, u r sticking with us in here! We all need eachother.

It's Olivia's due date today, we r going to let balloons off and have some lunch etc. hope u all have a nice day xx

Zoe sending lots of hugs and thinking of you.

Tayla - hope you have a peaceful today - the balloons is a lovely idea

i am driving myself crazy - 8 DPO and did HPT and it was BFN but I think i tested too early - I can`t stand this waiting - I don`t remember the waiting being so bad before!

 

[yellowyamyam]

I am starting to feel trapped... suffocated. I feel lost too. It is like I don't know how to proceed anymore. After the 1st miscarriage, I had googled a lot and came to conclusion that it was due to incompetent cervix. I had answers. I knew we could try again immediately and there are ways to help IC medically.

I did them all. I did the progesterones, antibiotics and stitch. I followed whatever the doctors asked me to and even more. I self-imposed bed rest. I even listened to my friends and spoke life to my 2nd one. I started to hope. I started to believe that it might just happen for me, finally. I faced my fear and went through the cerclage surgery. I went through the pain and the horrible anticipations of surgery thinking there would be a positive end to it. All I had to do was sacrifice and face my fear of needles and pains.

But in the end ... it all came crushing down the moment I started to believe in the beauty of life.

How do I go on from here?

 

[dancareoi]

I am starting to feel trapped... suffocated. I feel lost too. It is like I don't know how to proceed anymore. After the 1st miscarriage, I had googled a lot and came to conclusion that it was due to incompetent cervix. I had answers. I knew we could try again immediately and there are ways to help IC medically.

I did them all. I did the progesterones, antibiotics and stitch. I followed whatever the doctors asked me to and even more. I self-imposed bed rest. I even listened to my friends and spoke life to my 2nd one. I started to hope. I started to believe that it might just happen for me, finally. I faced my fear and went through the cerclage surgery. I went through the pain and the horrible anticipations of surgery thinking there would be a positive end to it. All I had to do was sacrifice and face my fear of needles and pains.

But in the end ... it all came crushing down the moment I started to believe in the beauty of life.

How do I go on from here?

Zoe, sending you big hugs.

I know how you feel, having had two MMC myself and the second one was lost around the same as yours, so i know how it feels.

At 12 weeks I went to a private clinic and paid a lot of money for a very in depth nuchal scan that gives you all your results there and then. My scan was perfect, i was told i had a very healthy baby and pregnancy and that they did see any problems being picked up at the 20 week scan.

Like you, you start to believe that all is good and this pregnancy will happen, but then you are dealt the worse blow ever (mine at 17 weeks when there was no HB)

i felt like my world had fallen apart, I didn`t want to go anywhere, do anything or speak to anyone.

We didn`t have a PM so we don`t know why our LO passed away, we are just now hoping that all will work out.

I know at the moment you feel totally dead, but time is a healer, i know it doesn`t feel like that now, but i am 4 months on, in the TWW club and hoping and prayaing for a rainbow.

You will get there again, you just need to look after yourself and try to look to the future.

i thought you may like this poem, it makes me cry every time I read it and we had it read at our LO`s funeral, but in some way it brings peace.

I also have the comfort that my two LO`s are now together, holding hands and looking after each other, yours too will be with each other.

1. An Angel Never Dies
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.

 

[Pinkorblue11]

My thoughts are with you, Zoe. I have IC as well and I can't tell you how many times I raged about it, and still do at times. I have joined online IC support groups and that has helped a lot. I can PM you the links if you would like me to, whenever you're ready but only if you want. Speaking to a specialist with a lot of experience dealing with IC patients has helped as well, I have even more hope. Give yourself as much time as you need to grieve, healing will come.

 

[dancareoi]

No BFP for due date for me - and is on her way.

I am so gutted - each time in the past I have used a OPK i have caught straight away - so really thought the same would happen again.

So I am now worried i am never going to get my rainbow as at 40 things get more difficult.

We are off to Euro disney next week, so hopefully that will help me feel a little better.

 

[dancareoi]

what is weird though, is my temps have stayed high - last month it dropped on the day.

She is on her way cos I have done two BFN tests and stomach now feels a little funny.

Rang DH to tell him and 1/2 later he was home from work giving me a hug and trying to make me feel better.

 

[Pinkorblue11]

Awww, what a sweet DH! I'm sorry you feel the coming, I hope you get your rainbow very soon. Enjoy Euro Disney!

Keeping my fingers crossed that all will work out for cerclage placement. I just emailed my OB to see what his suggestions are and his opinion regarding a TAC.

 

[dancareoi]

AF definately here and i am a total mess - crying for ages last night again for my lost LO and the lost chance this month.

So worried that now i am 40 I will never get the chance again - I have taken a huge step back on the road to recovery.

My LO was due 15th June, but I have early babies, so was expecting it around 2nd June, this weekend.

I am a blubbering mess again.

Hope everything goes well for you.

 

[yellowyamyam]

Aren't we all a bunch of mess?

I cried last night too to DH just expressing myself. Due date is this Saturday too for my 1st LO.

PinkorBlue - I was involved in the IC thread over at Gestational complications. I just didn't expect to be one of the 20% who would fail on cervical cerclage. I was rather confident that I would carry my 2nd one to viability, if not term. Two miscarriages within 6 months and both in 2nd trimester, well... almost.

I don't think we would be TTC immediately this time. I had ERPC to remove placenta. I read with such assistance, it is best to give it a few cycles before TTC. With my 1st, it was all natural. Plus, I would like to find out if there are more to my miscarriages than just IC.

 

[Pinkorblue11]

AF definately here and i am a total mess - crying for ages last night again for my lost LO and the lost chance this month.

So worried that now i am 40 I will never get the chance again - I have taken a huge step back on the road to recovery.

My LO was due 15th June, but I have early babies, so was expecting it around 2nd June, this weekend.

I am a blubbering mess again.

Hope everything goes well for you.

So sorry AF arrived on you, and with a due date coming up makes it so much harder.

Aren't we all a bunch of mess?

I cried last night too to DH just expressing myself. Due date is this Saturday too for my 1st LO.

PinkorBlue - I was involved in the IC thread over at Gestational complications. I just didn't expect to be one of the 20% who would fail on cervical cerclage. I was rather confident that I would carry my 2nd one to viability, if not term. Two miscarriages within 6 months and both in 2nd trimester, well... almost.

I don't think we would be TTC immediately this time. I had ERPC to remove placenta. I read with such assistance, it is best to give it a few cycles before TTC. With my 1st, it was all natural. Plus, I would like to find out if there are more to my miscarriages than just IC.

Zoe, my heart goes out to you for all you've been through and I hope you have a lot of support right now. That's understandable and hope you're able to get some answers.

 

[dancareoi]

Hi all, just thought i would check in and catch up on how everyone is doing.

I am feeling better than i was the other day. i think I was in shock that it hadn`t happened first time like I was expecting.

on a positive note - if i was PG I would have been worried sick whilst we were away next week that something would go wrong and I would over do it, so maybe it was meant to be.

i think i was a little stressed this month, we BD for 9 nights because i read my CM wrong, i then got stressed out because I didn`t think i was going OV. By the time I did OV I think we were both a little tired from the previous nights exercise!!!

Am hoping this month things will go a little more smoothly and hopefully be less stress involved.

our holiday next week will hopefully help us to chill out and come back all relaxed and ready to try again!

How is everyone else getting on?

Zoe, how are you doing?

 

[yellowyamyam]

I am ... hanging in there, I guess. Days are getting longer; more tears and feel much lower than before. I don't think I am acting healthily so I contacted the hospital's chaplain for a counseling session. She organises the support group for grieving mothers that I attended twice now for my 1st miscarriage. Will be seeing her next week.

I read about the 5 stages of grief and I think I am stuck in between 2 & 3 which are anger and depression.

Just waiting for myself to heal as time passes. Keep telling myself that I have been down this road and I know it'll get easier to deal with so yeah ... just waiting...

 

[Pinkorblue11]

Dancareoi~ Glad you're feeling better and have fun next week!

Zoe~ Still thinking of you, wishing you peace and healing..

AFM~ Received an email from the second specialist I contacted, he wants to go over my options by phone so hopefully we'll speak soon. Have an OB visit on Monday and he's hoping that the referral he sent to the Perinatologist today will have gone through and a response given by then. So, the journey begins..

 

[dancareoi]

Dancareoi~ Glad you're feeling better and have fun next week!

Zoe~ Still thinking of you, wishing you peace and healing..

AFM~ Received an email from the second specialist I contacted, he wants to go over my options by phone so hopefully we'll speak soon. Have an OB visit on Monday and he's hoping that the referral he sent to the Perinatologist today will have gone through and a response given by then. So, the journey begins..

FX

 

[dancareoi]

I am ... hanging in there, I guess. Days are getting longer; more tears and feel much lower than before. I don't think I am acting healthily so I contacted the hospital's chaplain for a counseling session. She organises the support group for grieving mothers that I attended twice now for my 1st miscarriage. Will be seeing her next week.

I read about the 5 stages of grief and I think I am stuck in between 2 & 3 which are anger and depression.

Just waiting for myself to heal as time passes. Keep telling myself that I have been down this road and I know it'll get easier to deal with so yeah ... just waiting...

Zoe, hang in there. You`ve been there before and came through, you will do again.

I have been exactly where you are now and it sucks. As you say the days seem so long and just go on and on and yes, one minute angry, then depressed, then crying.

But, as you know, gradually it will get better, time is a great healer as they say. All the old cliches won`t help, but when I first lost my LO in Jan, all the lovely ladies on here said what I have said to you now. it will get better, slowly and they were right.

i won`t be around now for a while as we are going away, which i hope will geive us a nice relaxing break from TTC and babies and hopefully come back all refreshed and ready to go.

Look after yourself

 

[yellowyamyam]

I just found that one of my good friends have given birth to a baby boy. She is the friend whom I have been avoiding since my 1st miscarriage because we got pregnant at almost the same time. When I lost my 1st baby, she announced she was having a boy too. That crushed me again.

Anyway, instead of being happy for her, I am such a horrible horrible person... I am crying my eyes out now and I really can't bring myself to be happy at all. She has what I lost.

It surely doesn't make me feel any better that I have this anger and hatred towards her. Ontop all the horrible feelings I have for her, I have guilt.

How am I to go through all these emotions? It is getting too heavy for me, I feel. Everyday I get up to a what feels like 10 tonnes of weight on my chest. When I walk, the weight shifts to my shoulders. I just want it to stop so i can breathe normally again.

 

[Becktoria]

I read your post and had to reply. I know exactly how you feel towards your friend. I had a stillborn daughter last July @ 36 weeks of pregnancy, I then got pregnant again but had a mmc @ 10 weeks in feb. just as I told my best friend my devastating news I've miscarried my rainbow a week later she announced she is pregnant. I feel so angry, this bitter jealously is horrible and wish I didnt feel like this. It gets me more angry that she wasn't even trying she split to from her husband and got wiv a new guy and got pregnant. I feel angry coz she knew what I've been through wiv my sleeping angel and my other miscarriage and she knows I want a baby so badly. Why do I feel like this I want to be happy but this suffocating sadness overwhelms me. I have spoke to get but haven't really seen her since she found out she is pregnant, she has her 2nd scan soon and I'm sure the pictures will be on Facebook soon, it's going to kill me if she has a girl. It makes it that much worse that now I have been told I have blocked tubes and have to have ivf. I miss my best friend so much it makes me so sad but I feel as Though this has put a wedge between us I don't know what to do, I want to b happy for her but I can't at the min. So I understand how you feel it was like I wrote your post. I feel dreadful for saying those things but if I can't tell the girls on here who can I tell.
I'm always here if I want a chat xxxx

 

[Pinkorblue11]

That's what it is, Zoe, she has what you lost. It does not make you a horrible person at all, you're a grieving mother. It SUCKS! It sucks that life goes on normally for everyone else while you're moving underwater. Crying is hard, breathing is hard, being awake is hard, everything is hard. We're always here to vent to anytime, I'm so sorry you're going through this at all. Wishing you so much healing and peace.

 

[Miss Mitch]

Hi everyone, sorry I haven't been around alot lately, have started my new job and have been really trying to be abit more positive with life etc so have tried to stay away from b and b (not that its negative, but you know what I mean!)
Jamie's sister has just announced she's pregnant. Do not feel happy at all for her, just jealous and hatred, so I know how you feel xx