The responsibilty of a parent ...

[Eternal]

I am sick of hearing comments about how people should be given more money for their kids, or how people just wash their hands of their kids when they are in trouble, and say "well I can't do anything with them". I am sick of people expecting other to take their kids so they can have a night off etc.

Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against benefits, but I don't think anyone should expect to be given money to raise their children, benefits are their to help in the short-term, not allow people to have as many children as they like and pay for everything.

My eldest child isn't an angel (he is just 2) and there are times when I just wonder what to do, and how to get him to be good, but see it as my responsibility. Kids will be kids and will push boundaries and do wrong, but how many times do you hear parents blaming schools etc, at the end of the day the people who have the most influence of the child should be the parents, and sometimes the child will do wrong no matter how good the parent, but parents can't just give up and not take responsibility.

finally, it would be lovely to have baby sitters and I would take advantage of given the option, but I wouldn't expect anyone to have my child/children, I choose to have them, not my parents/in laws etc, so i respect that they don't take them over night for an evening etc.

Anyway, does anyone agree? Or have another opinion?

 

[caz81]

I agree to some extent the comment about benefits, but not totally. I think it is really wrong when people abuse the system and have 10 children and neither parent ever works. However, I think that the mother should be able to be at home with the children until they are at school and I dont think that this option should only be available to those who are rich. I completely support tax credits topping up one parents wages (who is working full time) so that the other can stay at home with the children.

I think that being able to use babysitters and go out sometimes is actually really important as a couple. Yes, you are parents but you are also a couple and you should have some focus on this as well or you can lose sight of your relationship.

And finally I do agree that parents should take more responsibility and not blame schools etc- if parents dont do their job it is impossible for the school to do theirs.

 

[Eternal]

I am totally in support of benefits, and I am a SAHM, I would like to have the option to work if i wanted but i dont, we dont claim anything and childcare would cost £24k plus, so there is no way i can work. So its not the rich that get to stay how, we struggle at times, but i have no option but to be a SAHM. I support that people should have the option, I just dont think people should have kids will the idea they will get paid for staying at home to raise their kids, although ist clearly a better finicial situation than paying for childcare.

And I totally would love baby sitters, and would totally use them if I knew someone who would, I would love to have a date night with my husband every week or at least have someone look after them today as i dont feel well. My issue is the amont of people who slag of relatives because they wont look after their child, my parents dont nor do my in laws and although id love it if they would i dont expect it. My SIL totally expects my in laws to have the kids full time when they retire and i dont think thats right (they want to enjoy retirement but they will give in to her tantrums).

 

[smelly07]

I think you should only have children if you are able to support them yourself.

I certainly do not expect anyone to look after my daughters nor do i need anyone to look after them and never have done, i think the occasional babysitting yes but dumping them off on relatives for unneccesary reasons is not fair on the relative or the child. i choose to have my children and would never leave them with anyone unless i had to.

ultimitely it is our responsibilty to teach our children right from wrong x

 

[Eternal]

I think you should only have children if you are able to support them yourself.

I certainly do not expect anyone to look after my daughters nor do i need anyone to look after them and never have done, i think the occasional babysitting yes but dumping them off on relatives for unneccesary reasons is not fair on the relative or the child. i choose to have my children and would never leave them with anyone unless i had to.

ultimitely it is our responsibilty to teach our children right from wrong x

exactly how I feel, although you word it far better than I

 

[sparkle_1979]

I also agree that you should not have children if you are expecting the government to pay for them, of course though we all have hard times and that's what benefits are there for, for when people really need them not as a long term thing.

I would never expect anyone to take care of my children it's mine and my husbands responsibility to bring them up as best we can, not schools or society..

My mum loves taking my girls out and it is a lovely break for me when it happens ( not often as she's over 5 hrs away ) But I'd never want or expect her to look after them while I went to work. She's busy enough and god there hard enough for me let alone my Mum in her 50's!

 

[TattiesMum]

It's a tough one ... I do agree that the benefit system shouldn't be used as a way for people to have lots of children that they can't support financially, but I can't help thinking of the other side of the coin - where people have children while they are able to support them and then end up, through circumstances outside their control, (disability/serious illness etc) unable to provide for them.

It's a situation that any one of us could find ourselves in within the blink of an eye

As to babysitting on tap ... well as a Grandmother myself I feel that it's hugely important to be a regular part of my Grandbabies lives. I generally have at least one of them, if not both, for one night a week - not because my daughter asks me to or needs me to (in fact when I do have them she very rarely goes out but uses the time to do a massive house clean and get a bit of a lie in).

I think it's great for them to have a large extended family I grew up spending a lot of time with my own Grandparents and have such amazing memories My own kids didn't have that, as my parents lived abroad and weren't the slightest bit interested in spending regular, quality time with them - and that makes me sad that my kids missed out and determined that my Grandbabies will have those memories of halcyon days with Grandparents who adored them for the rest of their days

Looking after them while my daughter goes out to work is an impossibility though - both myself and my OH work full time ourselves and will be doing so for at least another 20 years or until we drop dead in harness

As to discipline - yes, I agree totally - it's entirely the parents' responsibility

 

[tallybee]

It's a tough one ... I do agree that the benefit system shouldn't be used as a way for people to have lots of children that they can't support financially, but I can't help thinking of the other side of the coin - where people have children while they are able to support them and then end up, through circumstances outside their control, (disability/serious illness etc) unable to provide for them.

It's a situation that any one of us could find ourselves in within the blink of an eye

As to babysitting on tap ... well as a Grandmother myself I feel that it's hugely important to be a regular part of my Grandbabies lives. I generally have at least one of them, if not both, for one night a week - not because my daughter asks me to or needs me to (in fact when I do have them she very rarely goes out but uses the time to do a massive house clean and get a bit of a lie in).

I think it's great for them to have a large extended family I grew up spending a lot of time with my own Grandparents and have such amazing memories My own kids didn't have that, as my parents lived abroad and weren't the slightest bit interested in spending regular, quality time with them - and that makes me sad that my kids missed out and determined that my Grandbabies will have those memories of halcyon days with Grandparents who adored them for the rest of their days

Looking after them while my daughter goes out to work is an impossibility though - both myself and my OH work full time ourselves and will be doing so for at least another 20 years or until we drop dead in harness

As to discipline - yes, I agree totally - it's entirely the parents' responsibility

Well said

I feel sad that my Mum isn't around and never got to meet my kids, not because I would have ever taken advantage of her for babysitting but because family is important.

When DH and I got together we both already had 2 kids each (though his live with their mum) so we have just had to manage getting to know each other without the luxury of nights out, weekends away together, etc.

As for discipline, of course it's the parents' responsibility. Just the other week I was having a conversation with my Aunt who is a retired teacher and some of the things she told me about attitudes of kids, and parents - was absolutely shocking

 

[sparkle_1979]

I don't at all think family is not important. I'm moving back to England to be with my family as I think my children and grandparents will get a lot from living closer together. I think what the OP meant is when people expect other family members to look after their children?

 

[TattiesMum]

I don't at all think family is not important. I'm moving back to England to be with my family as I think my children and grandparents will get a lot from living closer together. I think what the OP meant is when people expect other family members to look after their children?

Oh absolutely - there is a huge difference between expecting other people to have your children so that you can go out and wanting them to because you would like your children to have that experience of a close, loving family who want to spend time with them.

The thing is that - from the outside at least - it's often tricky to tell one from the other iykwim?

 

[angelandbump]

I think circumstances will always cause a conflic when it comes to benefits. I see it as i have worked sincei was 14 and i have always paid my taxes. I may as well benefit back from some of the money i have paid in but i agree that people need to stop moaning. At the end of the day, not every country gets help/benefits like we do yet we have the cheeky to moan that we don't get enough... pfftt. I am a firm believer that a person should only get what they have paid in but again, circumstances may cause this to vary.

I completely agree about people moaning about their 'entitled night off' emm... When you have a child, you sign on to 24/7 parenting and if you are lucky that family want to share some of that time with you child then your lucky. My mum loves having Mathew over and I don't see it like baby sitting, she asks to have him so i work my social life around that. (please note, this is different when a child has a disability as i understand parents need restbite care).

As for parents washing their hands of their child. I can not and will not ever understand this. I believe in everyone there is good and bad and all we can do is mould our children into good, honest and respectable people. If my child is naughty at school or is rude and disrespectful to people then i will act on it straitaway and try and nip it in the bud. My son is my baby and always will be. I suppose until i am in a situation where i am tested, i will never know what i can do?

 

[Eternal]

I don't at all think family is not important. I'm moving back to England to be with my family as I think my children and grandparents will get a lot from living closer together. I think what the OP meant is when people expect other family members to look after their children?

Yes exactly what I meant, we moved 600 miles to be closer to my family so they can and are part of my childrens lives, we go on holidays with the families, in fact all our holidays are spent with our extended family. All I mean is expecting others to look after MY children. But family is very important, we would love to move back to Scotland but have agreed we wouldnt do so until my parents are in a position to do so because they would miss the children too much.

As for the benefits, like i said in my opening post, I totally support the system and its there to help ANY of us if we need it, but I dont expect to have money to pay for my children. If the worse comes the system is there to help until we are back on our feet or support us with a disability etc, but I wouldnt have children, expecting to be given enough money to support my kids.

 

[miel]

but some ladies get pregnant because of a accident or something else ...and so the sentence of saying people should have children if they only can support themselves is not completely fair...

sorry just opening the debate

also millions are give away for wars etc...trust me they could add a little bit more of the benefits for family so no one will feel like they are using the system ...you give way more then your receive i beleive !

 

[Eternal]

but some ladies get pregnant because of a accident or something else ...and so the sentence of saying people should have children if they only can support themselves is not completely fair...

sorry just opening the debate

also millions are give away for wars etc...trust me they could add a little bit more of the benefits for family so no one will feel like they are using the system ...you give way more then your receive i beleive !

I totally agree that some babies are wonder surprises and of course they should be supported. I am not saying people shouldnt get money, i am saying that babies should, in an ideal world, be planned and brought into a family when they are able to meet ALL the demands of a baby, and the benefit system is there to support when things fall out of our control.

 

[smelly07]

where the 'accidents' are concerned why do most people continue to have more children after that when they still cant afford them.?

I have known so many people say it was an 'accident' but they werent using contraception at the time.

its sort of like that bloke whos been on tv and numerous magazines.. who goes round sleeping with girls without contraception and has about 15 kids with 15 women all single mothers on benefits and he doesnt pay a thing.
He wants the snip but the doctors said no youre too young

i guess where benefits are concerned this is where it annoys me, they have a child claim benefits and get a roof over there head rent free and continue to have children even though their circumstances havent changed and people who abuse the system are just as bad.


As for family, i really think family is important and having relationships and seeing and spending time with family is fantastic but that is totally different to constantly palming them off to family members for selfish reasons, i dont think thats fair on the child and will have negative effects.

 

[fidgets mammy]

i agree that yr kids are yr responsibility.
i agree taht some families milk the system-i work for sure start and have witnessed many a family lie about their kids having issues to get free childcare.
and i also agree that yes grandparents can play great roles in yr kids lives-my grandad was my world, we lost him in sept and im still heartbroken, but our kids are not their kids, and a grandparent is there to spend time with them not have them enough to bring them up. it annoys me when people have kids and cant wait to palm them off. im all for spending time with oh alone every now and again but some do take the piss.

my sister has a friend who has two kids-one lives with her dad and the other with her-well in a fashion-she never has him and will mock me for looking after my own son instead of expecting others to have him.

i chose to have these children and i dont expect anyone else to look after them. i have friends who fell pregnant by accident and they have the same outlook.

unfortunately i also know people who have had kids to get a house, more benefits, etc. very sad.

 

[ahcigar1]

I agree to some of what you said. The part about money, I 110% agree, but that is because I have seen first hand time and time and time again parents who continue to have children, collect a check from the government, then use that money for luxuries for themselves, and basically abusing the system. I'm not saying that everyone does that but that money is meant for different reasons. Such as if you are in a TEMPORARY rough spot so your child won't go hungry, or you yourself are physically unable to work at all. Not to pad your pockets with and be a lazy useless loaf.

As far as someone taking your LO for a night I do and I don't agree with that at the same time. We all need a break sometimes and there is nothing wrong with that. The only time that I see it as an issue is if it is something that is a consistent thing. But something that is you and hubby want to go out to a movie and dinner once a month or every 2 weeks or so. I don't see any issue with that. I know my parents are more than willing to offer that. Heck my mom just yesterday was telling me (in a joking manner) that I won't be seeing my LO for a week when we are visiting because she will be taking all the time she can. Am I going to pass that up? Heck no. I will be able to get a physical and mental break, a refresh, and at the same time my mom who hasn't seen her since she was only a week old will get lots of time with her. Yes I will still take care of my own LO but if my mom or dad say they want to watch her so I can go visit a couple of friends or something then I'm not going to turn it down. But do I think that it should be a permanent thing of always putting my responsobilities with LO onto someone else, no, not at all. My child my responsobility.

And in regards to taking responsibility for your LO's actions, yes I agree with you that parents do need to stop posting the blame on everyone else and look at the way they are doing things.

 

[Feltzy]

Our kids have 3 sets of grandparents. OH's dad and his girlfriend LOVE having the kids, they ask probably every month or two to take them overnight which is a great help, the kids love going too. OH's mum very occasionally asks to have all of her grandchildren together for a sleepover, maybe twice a year.

One thing that REALLY annoys me though is that my mum and step dad don't really ask to have our children overnight, they just don't feel entirely comfortable with the overnight thing which doesn't bother me at all, they have my 10 year old brother to look after too. They do see a lot of the kids still, my mum probably more so than most, and my step dad takes them both out for a day out with my brother every few months. The thing is OH's family (mainly his mum) have in the past made snide comments about the fact that my parents don't really have the kids overnight and it really annoys me! I don't see it as a grandparents responsibility to have the kids overnight, and although we have on rare occasions actually asked one of them to have them (if we were going to a wedding or something) I wouldn't be annoyed if they said no and would always be thankful for any help we receive.

So I agree that grandparents shouldn't be slagged off for not having their grandkids overnight, but at the same time I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for a babysitter, so long as you don't take advantage of anyone and all parties are happy with the situation. I think there's a difference between asking for a favour and expecting someone to do something.

 

[TattiesMum]

Opening this up a bit (and playing devil's advocate ) - on the benefits side - I think it's important that we in the UK remember that most of us in the UK get some kind of benefit for them in the form of Child Tax Credits and Child Benefit .... and until very recently literally everyone got CB.

Without that extra money a lot of people would struggle to raise their children

 

[Eternal]

No, I certainly wouldnt turn my nose up on any sort of offer of help from my family to have the kids, but i wouldnt expect it, no one has ever had my kids over night, I would LOVE a break, but ultimatley my children were our decision so our responsbility. When they are older I know my parents will be more than happy to have at least one of them and I know if there was an emergency they would be there in a moment.

I do think its important to be able to have time alone from the kids, i know i need it, but I dont expect it. For example, I am ill this week, I have vertigo, which means am dizzy and feel sick and are sick at times, sepcifically changing bums etc, I also have an infection in my face, my face is swollon and reallt painful, I want to just go to bed, but I cant, and I wouldnt expect someone to look after my kids unless they wanted too. My mum who would if she could, is disabled, so i grew up looking after myself and her and I guess thats where I learnt the importance of responsibility.