Things not to say to a premmie mummy - share your stories!

[katy1310]

Ok....after a visit to the doctor today where he diagnosed reflux on Sophie and told me "It's because she was so premature...you didn't do your job properly and didn't keep her inside long enough so it's your fault", it's been suggested that we have a thread on what inappropriate comments people have made to us!

I will start with:


"Oh, you're so lucky you didn't have to push out a big 8lb baby"
"At least you're getting time to catch up on your sleep and you're missing the hard part"
"It can't be that difficult, she wasn't meant to be here yet anyway and you wouldn't have met her yet if you'd gone full term"

I'm sure there have been more things but I can't think of them right now! I think today's comment from the doctor is the worst I've had yet though!

 

[MommyMichele]

"what did you do to have him so early?"
"you shouldn't have more kids, they'll all be preemies"
"at least you won't have to worry about buying him clothes as fast"
"he'll be delayed"

 

[clairec81]

All of these things have really bugged me and the constant comments from strangers - she's so small - she cant be that age - like i dont know my daughters age! BUT i think the worse so far came from a group of 'friends'. One was pregnant and spent the whole time saying i hope i go early i cant stand much more of this, the baby's getting bigger everyday, i dont want a 10lb-er. Another friend who'd had a big baby replied - in front of me! - 'you will have a big baby as you've been really healthy throughout your pregnancy just like me'. I left feeling sorry for them for being so ignorant and pleased for them that they have never experienced an 'early' baby!
p.s. In the end she went 12 days over and had a 6lb baby - bang goes their theory! ha ha

 

[AP]

Me: "Alex was 3 months early"
Other Person: "Oh so was mine"

And then the other person gasps in shock at her photos . And turns out their baby wasnt that prem at all.

Dont get it, and I actually get this all the time.

Along with someone saying "oh my baby was earlier" like its a competition?!?!

Or the girl downstairs claiming her baby was a 22 weeker.....

 

[AP]

Oh and the classic
"She doesnt look 'disabled'"

 

[katy1310]

oh and the classic
"she doesnt look 'disabled'"

what?????!

 

[AP]

Nearly threw the bitch down the stair!

 

[Anna_due Dec]

I hate the bit where people either don't say congratulations or say it but look uncomfortable about it.

 

[kerry m]

i always get "she doesn't look at prem baby she looks like a normal 4/5 month old"!!! what in their minds is a prem baby supposed to look like?!!!

 

[katy1310]

i always get "she doesn't look at prem baby she looks like a normal 4/5 month old"!!! what in their minds is a prem baby supposed to look like?!!!

Oh yes - I've had that too! Forgot about that one!

 

[Mrs Doddy]

Oh she looks like a doll

 

[Fiestagal]

If anyone asks Connor's age I always end but saying 'he is x (age), but was small when he was born', I had a lady say her son was very small too at birth, so I said asked what weight, the reply was 'he was 6lb 12' !

I don't get the competitiveness over how premature babies are though. I was reading on another premature message board and it seemed people were having to justify their babies being prem as they were 'only 5 weeks early'. It was like they were being dismissed for worrying as their babies weren't as early as some of the babies.

 

[pink.crazy]

Can I ask, does anyone else find people constantly saying "Wow, doesn't s/he have good skin?!!?" like he shouldn't have or something....
My first baby had perfect skin, but no one commented then ???

 

[hopedance]

i hate it when people dismiss what we went through by interrupting and saying 'oh but he's fine now, isn't he!', as if just because he is okay now somehow discounts the trauma and upset of having a premature baby.

i also hate it when i tell people i had severe preeclampsia and had sam prematurely say to me things like 'oh i know just how you feel, i had sereve preeclampsia too at 38 weeks and had to be induced so i ended up in hospital for 3 days'. i know that can be so difficult for them, for multiple reasons, so not to discount their own difficult experience, but they can't claim to understand what it is like to have an early low birth weight baby who needs NICU/SCBU care for weeks.

 

[Mrs Doddy]

Can I ask, does anyone else find people constantly saying "Wow, doesn't s/he have good skin?!!?" like he shouldn't have or something....
My first baby had perfect skin, but no one commented then ???

Yep I've had this too- I don't get it either !

 

[AP]

i hate it when people dismiss what we went through by interrupting and saying 'oh but he's fine now, isn't he!', as if just because he is okay now somehow discounts the trauma and upset of having a premature baby.

Thats the thing that gets me too. The experience of having a preemie doesnt stop when LO gets home.

 

[Lianne1986]

i knew sum1 who had her son at 28 weeks. i had tyler a year later and when he was born early she sed to friend. "well tyler isnt as poorly as reece was"

tyler was only a few days old at the time so it really upset me!
yes ok tyler was only in scbu for 3 weeks but tht 3 weeks seemedlike a lifetime.

 

[shreedhara12]

One of my colleague said the other day
" good your daughter was premmie, my son was big and to get him out my wife had to have a sutcher and believe me it so painful"


AND

My colleague wife- " how long was your wife carrying"
Me - " 25 weeks 3 days"
My colleague wife- " lucky to be releived of the sagging pain and all the stretch marks"

 

[katy1310]

One of my colleague said the other day
" good your daughter was premmie, my son was big and to get him out my wife had to have a sutcher and believe me it so painful"


AND

My colleague wife- " how long was your wife carrying"
Me - " 25 weeks 3 days"
My colleague wife- " lucky to be releived of the sagging pain and all the stretch marks"

I get those ones too - I'd forgotten about that....people telling me how lucky I was not to go through the final months of pregnancy, not to have to put up with the discomfort etc.....well I'd rather have gone through some discomfort myself than watch my tiny little daughter fighting in neonatal with all those tubes and needles etc I'm sure your wife is the same. xxx

 

[katy1310]

Can I ask, does anyone else find people constantly saying "Wow, doesn't s/he have good skin?!!?" like he shouldn't have or something....
My first baby had perfect skin, but no one commented then ???

Yep I've had this too- I don't get it either !

Me too - people ALWAYS say that about Sophie - and I've just remembered that when she was first born and my mum was showing people photos of her, they said to her "Oh I thought she would have transparent skin but she doesn't".