Trying, waiting, hoping

[Bevziibubble]

Happy New Year Hoping 2021 will be a better year

 

[DuckyBlue]

Thanks! Happy New Year to you too!

Today is cycle day 25 and I have my 8th "high" smiley. I am really doubting this is correct honestly. Both lines on the test strip that you put into the ovulation tester thing were lighter than they've been before, so I'm assuming I've already ovulated. D has suggested to stop testing now, but a part of me wants to know if I will get a peak at all. But maybe D is right, and I need to stop worrying about it. Guess we'll see what happens now ...

 

[Bevziibubble]

I hope that you get an outcome soon

 

[DuckyBlue]

Another day another "high" test result. However BOTH lines 9n the test strip were extremely light so I'm pretty sure that the test is wrong. D has said not to do any more and I think I agree with him. I don't think I'm going to see a peak now so there's not much point in continuing with testing.

Last night I had some mild cramps that lasted just a few minutes. I'm not sure what this was. I do sometimes get cramps a few days before my period, however this is cycle day 26 and it's been quite a long time since I had a 28 or 29 day cycle so I'm not sure it was that. It could be ovulation I suppose but then I'm wondering why I didn't get a peak at all? My last cycle was 38 days although I gave up testing so didn't see the peak. However typically I ovulate about 2 days after the peak, at least according to my BBT, so I'd assume I ovulated around day 26 last time which would make sense with the mild cramping I had last night. The cycle before was only 32 days and I got my peak on day 18, though according to the BBT chart I ovulated on day 20. My chart was all over the place last cycle and has been this cycle too so it's difficult to tell really.

Also this is TMI but I am also a little constipated and have trapped wind which could also explain the tummy pains I guess!

Hopefully we'll get some answers soon!

 

[Bevziibubble]

 

[DuckyBlue]

My BBT dropped quite a bit this morning Either today is ovulation day, which would be incredibly late (and I never got a peak!), or my period is coming soon
I'm so upset honestly. I haven't told D yet because I don't want to upset him too.

 

[kittiecat]

I really hope it isn’t your period coming

 

[DuckyBlue]

I really hope it isn’t your period coming

Me too. Honestly I wasn't expecting it drop just yet as it's only cycle day 27 and I've not had a 28 or 29 day cycle for quite a while!

 

[Bevziibubble]

 

[DuckyBlue]

As I only had one test left in the box I decided to take it anyway. It is still saying high. This is the 10th day of a high so I've no idea what's going on. The most confusing thing is that my BBT dropped this morning so I'd have assumed the test would be negative (or low on the digital test) if I'd already ovukated, although I could be wrong? So I'm utterly confused! My BBT does usually dip on the day of ovulation, but whilst possible it's unlikely I'd ovulate this late in my cycle!

One of my apps is saying that the BBT dropping could be an "implantation dip" but it's said that before and I wasn't pregnant ...

I guess we wait now to see what happens.

 

[Bevziibubble]

I hope you get an outcome soon. This must be so frustrating for you

 

[DuckyBlue]

I hope you get an outcome soon. This must be so frustrating for you

It really is! It sounds silly but because we've decided this is our last cycle to try I'm wishing more than anything that we finally did it. Like a Christmas miracle or something. My mother has always said that "something good comes out of something bad" and I'd love to be able to think that just as we'd given up hope our dreams came true. I know that sounds really silly doesn't it?

 

[Bevziibubble]

It doesn't sound silly at all

 

[kittiecat]

Doesn’t sound silly at all!

 

[DuckyBlue]

Well this was a surprise. My BBT had dropped even more this morning and so I was more sure than ever that my period would arrive soon. It came today That was only a 27 day cycle, which is extremely rare for me!

I'm also incredibly confused by the ovulation tests. According to my BBT chart I ovulated on day 16, yet I had a "low" result on days 15, 16 and 17! I didn't get the first "high" until day 18, and continued to get high even yesterday! This makes no sense to me!

I'm almost certain this is my period as it's heavier than spotting, although it's still (thankfully) light right now, though knowing me that'll change later. It's also brown which is usual for the start of my period ...

D is currently in the attic putting away all the Christmas decorations so I haven't told him yet (my period only just started, otherwise I'd have told him earlier this morning). I've no idea how I'm going to tell him. First I need a good cry and probably to eat my weight in chocolate! And somehow we have to tell my parents ...

This was our last cycle to try. Our last chance. Although I know he'll say this isn't the case, I feel like I've really let D down. It sounds crazy but I feel like someone just died. We've been through feelings of grief during this journey but this just feels unbearable. I'm sorry to sound so dramatic. I'm feeling really sorry for myself right now!

My gp rang this morning about something completely unrelated but has said although I have no symptoms he wants to explore the possibility of Endometriosis, to see if that might be causing the problem with getting pregnant. But I think I'll wait a bit before speaking to him again. I need some time to process this long journey, as does D.

If things weren't so chaotic right now we'd probably go away for a few days but we can't.

I don't know how to end this post today ... I'll update soon when we make some more decisions about what we do next but for now D and I need some time to process all of this.

 

[Bevziibubble]

I'm so sorry

 

[DuckyBlue]

At least I think it's my period ... It was slightly brown earlier but is now a pinkish red but is only on the toilet paper at the moment. Nothing on the pad. So I guess technically it's spotting? I'll keep an eye on it but I'm almost certain it's mt period

 

[Bevziibubble]

 

[DuckyBlue]

We've now officially stopped trying
A part of me wants to continue taking ovulation tests and charting my BBT - I was in a routine with it! But I'm not going to. There's not much point, especially as we've stopped trying.
We broke the news to our families yesterday that we've stopped trying. My parents cried, which made me feel guilty because I hate upsetting them, but Mum said they support any decisions we make. One of D's siblings suggested we keep trying but D cut in at that point and very firmly said that we couldn't keep putting ourselves through that each month, to which another of his siblings asked whether we're using protection and said that if we're not "it could just happen anyway". We're not using protection (not that we told them that as it's none of their business) but D and I are realistic in the view that it's not happened in the last 9 years of not using protection so it's unlikely to happen now!
We then told all the nieces and nephews that, at the moment anyway, we won't be giving them a little cousin. One of our older nephews asked us about adoption, which I was surprised about. He said a boy in his class at school is adopted so he knew a little about it and he'd been wanting to "suggest" it to us for a while but was too scared in case he upset us So we told him, along with everyone else, that we are still discussing adoption but this is likely going to be what we do.
No news on the dog front just yet! Of course with this new lockdown all the resuce centers are closed again. However we've been helping our elderly neighbour to walk her dog and have occasionally looked after her dog (named Benji) overnight to help her out a bit, and we're more sure that we want a dog now. However D and I are going to wait, firstly until the rescue centers are reopen but also until we've made a decision around adoption and looked into that more. Dogs are just as big a commitment as a baby is!

 

[Bevziibubble]

Thinking of you

So exciting that you're getting a dog!