TTC #1, 35 year old, starting CD 1, 3rd cycle - Would love a buddy?

[ttc1st_at_40]

HAHA to the Green Latern T-shirt... so funny he loved that one the best!!! guys... they are like lit kids huh? awesome that you had a surprising good dinner at your sis's thats always a pleasant surprise huh, when your thinking it was gonna be bad and its good instead!! because who doesnt want a good meal on a holiday huh? I have to say... Christmas day at the in-laws for me was boring as well... that is why I am soooo happy I got to have Christmas Eve... over hubbys moms every holiday is simply just getting sooooo old and sooooo boring.... and as I think I mentioned we go to the in laws EVERY holiday (hubbys parents) so yep we have to go there New Years Day too... I am like REALLY come on PEOPLE!!! anyway it is nothing new that we have to go there every holiday, I am just soooo over it... OK and the pix books of your neice....ummmmm ya a little strange that EVERYONE GOT ONE!! ya little weird, I can agree. Oh and that damn "you missing from the all the wedding pix" yep that would have made me mad too... but I would have said so someone could have heard... wow look at all the wedding pix... "gosh I dont see me in any"... yep thats what I would have done... no question there. that is just plan rude!!! and at least you kinda have New Years plans... us two cant make up our mind what we want to do... soon enough it will be Friday and we will be sitting here with no plans unless we make up our minds hahaha!!

ok so for TTC stuff..... gosh that sucks about your CBFM test sticks... yep it certainly sounds like you got yourself a bad batch of sticks... I would seriously call the 800 # on the back and perhaps they will send you some type of reimbursement... I really would if I were you. On the other hand THANK goodness you do the OPKs too though huh!! and were able to still catch your LH surge...were ya guys able to get in some BD action last night?

and yep I should be getting my first peak any day now... for the last few months my 1st peak day has come about avg day 14... and today this is day 13 for me. so any day now!! as I think I mentioned before the Clomid could delay O a little (it didnt at all last month though, and hoping it doesnt delay it this month either) so yep I am expecting to O here any day now... and yep some how we caught up to eachtother for this month.... SO EXCITING we will be in the TWW right there together huh!!!

and yep I am super anxious for tomorrows testing and scanning of my folicles and lining and talk with the dr...... yikes!!! not sure if I mentioned this, but they said being on Clomid could also "mess" with my CM.... and if so they usually switch wome to a different drug... which is WAY more expensive from what I understand...but I really think before the Clomid I had some "bad" CM anyway... actually I dont think I have ever had much of any anyway even before I started Clomid... so we shall see... I am just convinced if they say Yep your CM is hostile, I just really dont know if I personally would blame it on the Clomid itself as I think it has always not been that "good". they also said another side effect some women experience on Clomid is too thin of Uterine lining as well... so I believe that is just one reason they only put women on that at 3 months at a time... as to not effect their lining...but I hoping that is not another thing they find with me.... gosh can you imagine why I am so anxious for tomorrow huh!!!

 

[so_anxious]

Dude, so I’m super happy today cause this other girl that I talk to on this site just got her BFP today. She was super depressed cause her SIL is a total bitch too and is 5 weeks pregnant. You know what her SIL did, at 4 weeks pregnant she called up my pal’s DH and asked him to be the godfather. Who does that at 4 weeks pregnant? She only did that to shove it in her face that she got pregnant before my pal. What a bitch! Anyhow, my pal sent me a picture of a FRER and she got a positive. I’m freaking dancing right now. I’ll be doing the same when you get your BFP too....

Also, my dear, I’ve been reviewing some other women’s charts on FF and I noticed there were quite a few 40 year old women who had a high FSH that got pregnant within 1 year, so I still think your chances are pretty good. I’ve got my fingers crossed for you that you get some good positive news from your dr. I’m sure you will. We’ve got to think positive, right!! I did hear about Clomid making your uterine lining thinner and heard a lot of women complaining about that. Now does the Clomid help with ovulating or help make your eggs healthy? I’m just wondering why the dr gave you Clomid, cause you can ovulate on your own right?

Anyhow, I’m ignoring my CBFM today as well, it asked for me for a test again, but I think I ovulated yesterday. I did get to DTD with the husband again last night, and I’m going to see if I can persuade him one more time today. Tee hee...

So, I’m glad that we’ll pretty much be on the TWW together. Hopefully we can both celebrate with our BFP together.

 

[ttc1st_at_40]

WELL Hello there....

got some good news but some rather bad news as well. Bad news first... looks like my CM is quite hostile. From the test they could hardly find any CM (which is why they call it hostile) and of that they did find, there was sperm in there, but they were all dead how utterly sad is that, that I killed all my husbands sperm!!! but they are very confident that is one side effect of Clomid (but like I said... I know I dont have any CM even when not on Clomid so I dont know how much I believe it has to do with the Clomid to be honest...but for now thats what they are blaming it on that. Also my lining was only at 6.9 and they like to see at LEAST an 8 by now... so yep they said my lining was rather thin. Another thing they are blaming on the Clomid...Actually the first thing they said when they saw me, was oh if your CM is bad we can just do an IUI tomorrow... I was like oooohhhh hold on, my husband hasnt agree to that yet... and then once they said the lining was only a 6.9 they wouldnt bother doing an IUI anyway because it is just too thin. which ultimately means I can not carry a baby with lining at 6.9.... BUT... you know what...I havent even Ovulated yet... all these things should be looked at right at ovulation, and I havent gotten a positive OPK yet or a high on my CBFM, and I did tell them this but they kinda ignored me... heres me thinking that perhaps my lining could thicken up in the next day or 2 right ?? oh gosh I dont know...

anyway to the good news... So they found 6 follicles!!! ya!!! which means I am producing follicles... as you know very very important in all this TTC stuff HAHAHA.... so yep 4 on one side... Only 2 of really good size, and 2 on the other Ovary with 1 at a decent size...so yep they found 6 and 3 were of pretty decent size. so they were very happy with the sizes of them. And they also took my estridol blood level while I was there, and that number seemed pretty pleasing to them as well... But in the end they kinda counted me out all together for this month with the lining and cm issues.....The Nurse was very insistant with me (loved her very very nice lady) and said if I were her sister she would tell me to go straight to IVF and actually skip IUI all together, and definately not fool around with minor fertility drugs like Clomid...she was like HUNNY at your age, you have ZERO time to waste, you need to go straight to IVF. Now my Drs office does do IUIs there, but IVF would have to be done by a different Dr he doesnt perform those. So its not like she was even trying to con me in to spending more money with them... actually they would be loosing money if I went straight to IVF. Oh and P.S. the nurse is the Drs wife haha!! Anyway I got a call later this afternoon from the Nurse (didnt see the Dr today, but he evaulated everything that went on today with my test etc ) so she called me back to let me know, that because my lining was so thin and the CM was bad they really want me to go off the Clomid and move on to injectable drugs... which Monique are super super expesive... I think for next month they would cost me close to $1000. So he wants me to go on these next month, then right at O time he wants to do another post-coital test, and if the CM is still bad then he wants to do an IUI the next day. But would probabally recommend IVF the following month if the first IUI does not work.

Now I have to have a long talk with hubby tonight. He feels super super sad for me but he has yet to really committ to us doing IUI. So that is what I have to work on for tonight.

Now... here is some more bad news... ok so right now all my testing and ultrasounds and scans and blood work is covered.... BUT of course IVF or IUI are not covered, but as soon as I do any type of IUI or IVF the insurance company then stopps paying for the blood work, scanns, ultrasounds... ALL of it. Because they only will pay for diagnosics and testing for infertility, but as soon as I go to IUI all the blood work scans etc would now be considered part of fertility treatments... no more diagnostics... SOOOOO that is another thing we have to consider!! That if for some reason we move to IUI next month as soon as I get that IUI nothing else is covered for me for testing... gosh it is soooooo complicated!!! WHY OH WHY CAN THIS NOT BE EASY!!!!!

 

[so_anxious]

Hey Girl,

I had a feeling that you'd have to go straight to IVF right away. The only issue now is to convince the hubby that it's the best route. I find it extremely interesting that your CM is hostile. You mentioned that you use a lubricant right? Did the dr or nurse say that you should continue to use it or mention anything at all? I'm like you, I barely have any CM, which is why I'm drinking the grapefruit juice, which is helping a lot but I also use pre-seed. I have a feeling that my CM is hostile too. I think my body is very acidic and needs to be more alkaline.

Anyhow, do you know how much the IVF will cost if you go that route? I've been checking up on the costs as well, just in case I need to go that route and it looks like about $10K a pop, which includes all the meds, tests and the IVF as well. It's crazy how much people have to shell out just to have a baby. So, how are you feeling about all this news now?

I'm really happy that the tests provided you with some more information. Let me know how the conversation with your hubby goes. I've got faith in him and I know you'll be able to have a child within the year whether it's natural or through IVF.

As for me, this cycle is totally bizarre. If you check out my chart, my temp this month has been super low compared to the last 2 cycles and apparently I ovulated on CD 16 like last month. I thought I was going to ovulate late. Ah well... I guess we'll see what happens this cycle. I'm having some serious backpain though and haven't been sleeping very well. The right ovary pain is extremely mild and not as frequent as last cycle so far, so I'm happy with that.

You know sometimes I wish this it was like the movies and a stork would fly by and drop off our babies at the doorstep.

 

[ttc1st_at_40]

as for the lubricant, I use conceive plus (very similar to preseed) but for this test they asked me to try not to use anything so that they can see what I am producing "naturally"... well I guess what I got naturally isnt any good

oh and you asked this before, but I dont think I answered, but yes I do ovulate on my own but they decided to put me on Clomid anyway due to fact that I need to take an aggressive approach to TTC due to my age. And Clomid is to make you Ovulate Stronger if you already do... and for those that dont Ovulate, they help them to "start" to ovulate. Anyway as I have learned from the FS the Clomid is the mildess type of fertility drug... but it seems I responded well to it to me? got 6 folicles...so I ask my self why then move on to injectibles... but maybe they expect to see even more folicles then? and of course they didnt like the thin lining or the CM problem that they think came along with the Clomid... and injectables are said not to have this CM and lining problems, so prob why they want me to move onto the injectables I am guessing, maybe start me on a very low dosage of that so I dont over stimulate...and yes they really do believe that "If I want children there is really no reason to keep trying on our own, that we need to move to IVF" and really skip IUI all together.

But I really have ZERO idea what we are going to do next month I really do. Dr wants us to both come in to talk about it... AND Hubby has agreed to go to the FS with me on Monday to talk about our options. That is promoising news, but thats pretty much all I could get out him yesterday, called him real quick at work right after the Drs visit and told him the bad news, then asked if he would go to an appointment and he said "sure" ...BUT We didnt really talk much last night which I really wanted to... wanted to try to gauge exactly what he is thinking BUT he came home from work rather late (8:30 pm) and seemed kinda distant and I said lets talk and he said well we are both off tomorrow (friday) and we are already going to see the Dr on Monday... lets sit down tomorrow and spend some time talking... HERE is me jumping out of my seat thinking WHAT I got such crappy news, and you want to wait until FRIDAY!! but ya know what... that is what I will do I will try not to bring it up at all today and will wait until tomorrow to have a talk, and try to see where his head is in all of this.

Anyway yep you are correct it is in the $10 K ball park range... very very very high... and what if it doesnt work the first time, do we do it again for another $10 K. At this point Monique I am very shattered by all this news. Sure I am not completely shocked, I knew at my age it wouldnt be easy, but I was hoping to beat the odds. I really know that some how we could come up with 10-20 K to try a few cycles... even if we have to take out a loan. The way I look at it is that it is worth it to try and if I dont try this then I will FOREVER regret it. Not so sure the hubby feels the same way at all though. He really believes it should all happen naturally and for FREE haha. But I am hoping that he changes his mind and really understands that if we do want children this may be our only hope and we NEED to try this NOW... we cant wait another 3-6 months ya know. Ok so thats my "pitch" I am gonna try tomorrow when we talk... I'll let ya know how good of a sales man I am HAHAHAHa

oK so looks like FF has ya down that you O'd then on Sunday... sounds like you got all the BDing in that you needed to though right?.. so thats a super positive for this month for ya right. And girl ya know how I feel about temping I HATE IT... check out my chart haha... talk about all over the place!! Someone suggested that I start temping "down there" and I really may try that starting next cycle. OH and as a side note... I havent gotten a + opk or a high on my CBFM yet... I actually am going to call the drs office back and let them know this... because that means I really am not as close to O as they thought, so perhaps that is why lining was so thin and cm was not real good? oh forget it they will prob just say it was the Clomid... gosh I dont know..

anyway you are officially in the TWW with out me and starting with back pain already? is that a good sign ya think ? hopefully I will be joining ya in the TWW soon here...

ok wishing you and Polo Guy a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!~!!! hope you have a fun night out with your friends... oh and PS hubby and I are joining some couples for dinner and night out "down town" so that should be fun!! going out after work with a friend tonight to find something sparkly!!

 

[so_anxious]

Wishing you a Happy New Year as well. Like I said, I think this new year will be good for both of us.

I told my DH about your situation and he feels for you. I also asked him if he would consider the IVF route if we needed too and to my pleasant surprise he said "sure, I'd do anything for you, but I hope we can do it naturally." I was pretty happy with that response, so I'm crossing my fingers that you get a similiar response from your DH when you talk to him. Sometimes our DH's can be very insensitive about this whole process, but I think they need to see you in a depressed state before they clue in.

I'm sending you lots of hugs your way and that I'm praying for you that everything will work out. It would have been nice if we were in the same place so we can meet up for lunch or something, but this site is the next best thing.

As for your lining and +OPK, I agree with you, maybe it was too soon for them to check that out. I say just continue with your BD schedule and never miss a cycle.

As for me, I did get enough BDing, I think 4 days in a row before and after ovulation (according to FF). We'll see what happens. I think the back pain is PMS, I get it about 3 times a year, so not considering it a pregnancy symptom at all, plus I'm only 4 dpo which is too soon for any symptoms I think.

Anyhow, have fun tomorrow night and try to forget about all of this stuff for at least a few hours. Right!

 

[ttc1st_at_40]

good morning Monique... gosh I so hope you are right... that 2011 is a good year for us, hate to sound like a downer.. but if it isnt then I know in my heart that by the time 2012 reaches my chances of being a mommy are gone. So where is that damn stork you were talking about haha!!!

yes I so wish we were closer, because I would so be making you meet me at Starbucks for a coffee!!! no doubt....

That is really a good sign that your man has already said he would consider anything, that is a great big hurtle that I didnt even know I would be faced with to be honest. So you are lucky !!

This am I had a little talk with hubby, told him wanted to see where his head was before going to see Dr on Monday. He said he does understand that if we want children that the direction we would probally have to go is with assisted conception. But again that "that is not an easy decision for him and he has to think about it" I told him that I understood that...that it is not easy, but we have to "think" about it now.. not later, because we simply do not have the "time" to waste. He said he understands that, but another concern I was not aware he had was... he said he wanted to ask the Dr that if for some reason my body is telling me it is unable to get pregnant on its own that is it really healthy for me to be forced into getting pregant and would it be healthy for me or the baby. I didnt know he had this thought... . I tried to assure him that NO Dr will give anyone any type of 100% assurance that a baby will be 100% healthy regardless of how it is conceived. So I am not quite sure the FS will be able to ease his mind enough to have him agree for us to atleast start IUI. But we will see how Monday goes.

Dont worry I will be letting you know how that visit goes... it is at 3pm Monday... gosh say a prayer for me !!!

ok so enjoy your evening!! I definately plan on it!! HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU!!!

 

[ttc1st_at_40]

OH AND P.S.

just got my first Peak today... which is the latest I have ever gotten my first peak... its avg about CD 13-14 and once it was as late as 15...but getting it today at CD16 is the absolutely latest... (another side effect of Clomid from what I understand)....so see... I really really think that whole post-coltial test may have just been a little early ya know!!!

but still I really have no CM anyway... gonna try to make sure we "get some action on" the next few nights, and use that concevie plus!!!

 

[so_anxious]

Hey Girl,

How was your New Year's Eve evening. Mine was really uneventful. I went out to dinner with another couple and then got back home around 8:30pm. Then my hubby fell asleep till like 11:30pm. I had to wake him up to get the non-alcoholic wine. Then I went to sleep at around 12:10am. Pretty boring, huh? Gosh, I feel so old now!

So, about the conversation you had with your hubby... I'm beginning to wonder if you're hubby is afraid that he'd lose you during childbirth or something like that. Maybe he has it in his head that the so called "unnatural" way of concieving won't be healthy for you and could harm you. I'm sure he'd rather not have a baby than lose you. If that's what he's thinking then I think you have a damn good hubby to think that way. On the other hand, you have to make he believe that hundreds of thousands of women go through this everyday and that your body can handle it. What a sweetheart of a hubby you have!!

Anyhow, I'm 6 dpo and no symptoms so far, just the backache and sore boobs. Only time will tell!!

Are you recovering from a fun filled New Year's Eve?

 

[ttc1st_at_40]

you were asleep by 12:10 gosh thats funny... but I feel ya... I think I was ready to be home by 10:30 myself... gosh I cant just go go go like I use to.

but we did have a wonderful night out... ended up it was like 11 couples and the restuarant always has great food and a really loud fun atmosphere, we then walked down the street to a local bar for midnight... and we were home by 1:30...

the rest of the weekend we just sat in and watched a bunch of movies and ordered take out... fun stuff!!!

and ok your now 8dpo any further juicy symptoms yet ???

Ok so as for my FS visit with hubby today…. So good news…at the end..although he still has not committed to going with IUI for sure yet…. I think he is really considering it now.

FS is really happy that it appears I am responding well to fertility drugs at all...He said not all women do actually... He said he saw a lot of positives from the Clomid (3 big follicles) but my CM is hositle and my lining was too thin, both I guess a big side effect that he is blaming on the Clomid. So need to move to the next set of fertility drugs which are injectables. He said with injectibles they rarely see a CM problem because of it or a thin lining issue... ALSO he is pretty confident that just the injectiables may actually be able to do the trick. Just have to make sure that CM is not bad !!!

We also talked to FS about the health risks of IUI/IVF. And he has confirmed what I thought was true in the fact that there is no scientific fact that an IUI baby or an IVF baby or a baby conceived naturally there is any difference. There has never been any type of proven birth defects or effect on the mother difference between the way the baby is conceived , so doesn’t matter if it is naturally or by insemination.

so it looks like the route we are going to go is getting me on to the injectables starting next cycle... (first off crossing my fingers that my insurance company will pay for them... if not they are $1000 per cycle!!!) I Already have to pay out of pocket at $250 fee for them to “manage” my cycle?? And have to go into the office 7 times…for blood work and scanning…then appx CD14 I’ll go for another postcoltial and if the CM looks good he will make me take an Ovidrel shot and tell us to have sex 35 hours after that… but if the CM is bad but the lining is OK, we can do an IUI… (hopefully hubby will agree to it, as my body will be alllllll ready pumped full of hormones waiting for some SPERMIES!!) but if he cant/wont commit to an IUI… then perhaps just another cycle with injectibles and see how my CM looks on my 2nd round of injectibles ? and if bad again, perhaps hubby will then do IUI ? pretty much all just a waiting game…see how my body reacts then go from there I guess.

So thats my story from today

 

[so_anxious]

I’m glad you got to relax and watch movies for the weekend. I had to visit my in-laws on New Year’s Day and then I visited my parents the day after. It was nice. My dad has 3 interviews this week and I have that “infamous” interview for the PMO Manager tomorrow.

So, you’re going on injectables, huh? Well, that’s super news that your Dr thinks that the injectables will work for you. Will you still use the lubricant while you’re doing injectables?

I didn’t think the IUI/IVF had any health risks and I’m glad that he told you that in front of your hubby. I was attempting to watch a movie called “The Back-Up Plan”, but I fell asleep. Anyhow, I did watch the first 30 minutes of the movie and I’m not sure if you saw the movie or not, but at the very beginning, Jennifer Lopez is getting an IUI and the doctor has her in a special chair that tilts her pelvis. He tells her to raise her legs and sit there for 10 minutes. I wish I had that chair, it would be easier for me to hold my legs in the air for 10 minutes. 

Wow, did you find out about the insurance company covering your costs yet? Those injectables are pricey, huh? Well, I hope you get preggers either this cycle or on one cycle of injectables. I’m wondering if I can bypass all that stuff if I’m not pregnant this cycle and go straight to IUI? I have my ultrasound next Wednesday and then I see my family doctor the Wednesday after that for the results. I think at that time we’ll discuss all the fertility tests she can order and then send me to a FS.

Guess what, I started to get that sharp pain again in my right ovary area. It’s not as sharp as last time, it’s more dull and it’s just very annoying. Like I mentioned before, my dr thinks it’s either my ovary or appendix. Not sure which one I hope for, if it’s my ovary, then maybe that’s why I’m not pregnant yet and they can fix me up, or if its my appendix then that’s good and I don’t have an ovary issue. Who knows… I just hope it’s not too bad.

So, I notice you’re on 5 dpo, which is cool, cause I’m on 9 dpo…. So, we may catch up next cycle if we’re not preggers… 

I feel like crap today… my right side hurts and I had such a migraine yesterday and it’s now a headache. I have no symptoms whatsoever… not even boob pain. Ah well, what can I do!! Blah!

 

[ttc1st_at_40]

Hey Monique.... good luck with that interview today!!! I'll be thinking of ya.... and gosh your Dad has 3 lined up... was that you that arranged them all? I know you had said you were looking for them right?

I have NOT seen that JLo movie yet... but I really do like her, and that movie looks sooooo cute...I'll have to get that one. Hey do you do the pillow under your butt thing after BDing ? cant remember if we discussed this or not already... I can tell ya I certainly do!! every time for about 20-30 mins... hubby always keeps coming in and checking on me.. "hey how long you have to do that for" or "hey me and the guys are hungry" (guys meaning the dogs... all 3 of them are male) he's just such a cutie my hubby!! love him to pieces.

As for the injectables... yes you are correct they are very pricey. If insurance does not cover they will be $1000 so I am hoping they are covered. I will call the FS office today, and ask them to check with my insurance co so that I know if I get my AF next week what kind of $$ we need to be coming up with. (of course in addition to the $250 I have to give the FS to "monitor my cycle") but good thing is the ultrasounds and blood work will still be covered... as long as I dont get an IUI... so perhaps this first month I will be ok with just injectables. And next month if have a planned IUI all the scanns and blood work would then not be covered so that all together with an IUI is another $1000 (and I think the drugs would definately not be covered then if they know we are doing IUI... so that is potentially a $2000 month YIKES MONIQUE!!!)

OK SO... you got another sharp pain... now I dont know but that may sound like a good thing right? as long as it doesnt turn into that pain you had last month. Now you went to the Dr last month and they just referred you to get an ultrasound next Wednesday then? to see whats going on... ya your right.. not sure if I would be happy with knowing it was the ovary or the appendix.... maybe you do just have a little cycst then? I heard they go away by themselves right ?

ok so ya... it DID look like I was 5DPO but I didnt believe that... FF had me Oing the day before I even had my first peak on my CBFM... which means they went strickly by my temps... but this morning my temps peaked a little again... so FF changed my O date to now the day after my last peak... I really HATE FF... !!!

ok now... GOOD LUCK TODAY!!! GO GETTEM GIRL!!!!

 

[so_anxious]

Hey Renee,

Ok, so I had the crappiest day today. I had a huge argument with my hubby last night about his stupid family and I was all mad and was still mad in the morning. Then I left work at 9:30 to get to my interview at 11am. I got there at 10:15am so I just parked and studied some more. Anyhow, walked into the building and saw the receptionist at 10:50am. I had to fill out an application, which is so bizarre to me cause I already gave them my resume, but I guess that’s policy. Then guess what, they had me wait there till 11:30am for someone to come get me. I was so angry that I had already said to myself at 11:20am that I was leaving at 11:30am. Anyhow, when the HR lady came to get me I pretty much ignored anything she had to say, she gave a really miserable apology. Anyhow, here’s the other part, I walk into the interview room and it was the size of a closet. Including myself, there were 4 people in the room which also didn’t have any circulating air and it was so bloody hot. So, the first thing I said as I sat down was, “I have a meeting at 1pm, so I need to leave at 12noon”. I didn’t hide the fact that I was furious with their unprofessionalism. The funny thing is, that the company itself isn’t a small “Mom & Pop” place, it’s a huge organization with 14 other locations in my province. They’re also rated the Top 50 employers in Toronto. So, I answered all their questions and I think they were impressed with my skill set and knowledge and I didn’t get out of there till 12:15pm. I was late to my 1pm meeting by 10 minutes. Thankfully, my manager facilitated it for me.

Well, I’m going to send them a thank you letter this morning for the interview but I’m going to tell them that I’m not interested in the job anymore. It was such a bad first impression that I can only imagine how unprofessional they would be once I was working there. No way in hell!!

Anyhow, so the pillow under the butt… yeah, I do that too. I also try to hold my legs in the air, but sometimes I get tired and I bend me knees forward. Who knows if that helps? I mean, not to be crude, but I’m sure rape victims who end up pregnant don’t hold their legs up in the air and another thing is people are always telling me to relax and it will happen if you don’t think about it, but think about rape victims. That has to be the most traumatic and stressful experience a women could go through, but some of them do end up pregnant. Did they relax and not thing about it? I don’t think so!! Sorry, I’m in a really crappy mood today.

My mom got laid off at work on Monday, so now both my parents aren’t working. What else can go wrong in my life? Whatever!

When do you start the injectables? I’m thinking I may have to go the same route too. I have a feeling that you and me will be shelling out a lot of cash this year, you know what just think of the $2000 a month as practice for when you do have a baby. That’s how much daycare will cost if you enrol your child. At least that’s how much it cost here. You can use that excuse on your hubby!!

I can’t wait to get my ultrasound and see my doctor about this annoying pain. I think this is also stressing me out this month. I haven’t been sleeping properly, so very stressed. Anyhow, I booked an appointment to see a therapist cause I think I’m really overwhelmed with what’s going on with my life right now. And I can talk to my husband, but some of the issues I’m having is with his family and I know he doesn’t want to talk about that either. Blah.

How are you feeling today? FF is totally bizarre, isn’t it? It gave me cross-hairs yesterday cause I had some watery discharge. I’m pretty sure AF is going to show up on Saturday and for the first time since TTCing, I won’t be upset. AF is the least of my worries.

Sorry for being a downer….

 

[ttc1st_at_40]

hey hey monique...wow... gosh by now I hope your week ended better than it began... GOSH!!! you and hubby make up after? gosh I love my husband, and we dont have arguments that often but when they we do...it sucks... he ends up getting so closed minded, sure an argument is exaclty that you fight your side... but I always can see his side but he never ever sees mine... and I guess one bit of advise about the in-laws....we GIRL.. just have to keep it to ourselves as much as possible, because to be honest I dont think they will ever respond well!!! I kinda learned that first hand...so I spend my time complaining about the inlaws to my sister and friends.. and to you too!! lucky you!! haha

and whats WAS UP WITH THAT INTERVIEW!!! gosh your right, now utterly unprofessional... did ya send off your thank you card? have they contacted you at all since the interview?

oh man so now your mom is out of work TOOOOO ?? gosh... that does stink... how did your dads interviews go? good I hope !!!!

so I need to get an update from ya... getting any symptoms ?? hows the TWW been? when is AF due? do you think you'll be testing ? how bout the pains... how are they this month. You are prob jumping out of your skin for that appoitment next week huh?

ok so now for me...

soooooo I have no idea what I am going to be doing going foward on my TTC journey... considering my age I knew this all wouldnt be easy... and then when I ended up getting those crappy FSH/LH values that is why I hurried up to the FS. Anyway from what the FS has told me, considering my "case" (my age, my climbing FSH value, and my hubbys SA (its ok but not GREAT) )THAT I litterally have 1% chace of conceiving on my own. Now with the Clomid it increased the odds to like 10%...and Injectables with timed intercouse would increase it to 15% and then again injectables with IUI would increase me up to 20% chance.

Well it appears going foward as I told ya, Clomid is now no longer an option for me, according to the FS because he believes it thinned my lining and ruined my CM, hense the reason he wanted me to go to injectables.... Well it appears that his only other suggestion for me to move on to injectables may not an Option right now either

my insurance company will not pay for the drugs which would be $1800 and when on injectables I have to have $1100 worth of scanning/testing done with that...well that will have to be paid my me as well... so thats over $3000...because my insurance wont cover the testing either. They said as soon you start taking injectables that techinically means you are being "treated" for fertility..regardless if you have a IUI or IVF planned... and their exact words are "We will cover all tests for diagnosing fertlity, but we will not fund any testing involved for treating fertility". SOOOOOnext month cycle (which I expect AF next week) would mean we would have to litterally come up with $3000 for the injectables and ultrasounds & blood work. (and if hubby would agree to an IUI it is only $275) I say ONLY because my opinion is, if we would have to spend $3k for doing the injectables and blood work, why the hell not just pay the $275 extra for an IUI to up our chances RIGHT?

SO pretty much, unless I move on to injectables there is no reason for me to go on with a FS. (that was quick huh... had my first appointment with him on Dec 5 and here we are a month later...and theres nothing more for them to do) !!!

Hubby and I talked about spending the money... and gosh I really really want to... but I get it, there is not a big % of it working, then what happens the following month I know I will want to do it again and again til it works!!! I JUST DONT KNOW.... I did tell him though that if we know this is the only chance we have, I WANT TO DO IT. But I also said if we have to pay close to $3K for all the drugs and testing, we REALLY should do an IUI THEN!!! His response... oh the test tube baby thing... I was like UGGHHHHH!!!!
He said when do we have to decide this by... I let him know that my period is due next week, then I would call the FS that day then go see them 2-4 days later.... He said find out if they set people up on a payment plan. So I think he is consindering it. BUT I really want us to do an IUI if we are spending this $$$ and it will take alot of time out of my week... apparently I would have to go to the office appx 7-8 times in 14 days... and the Dr's office is 45 minutes from me... so round trip 1 1/2 hours... sure that isnt alot but I also have to work !! so all that time and Dr's visit, and injecting myself with hormones every day...I just want to have the mind set we are doing an IUI.. do you see my point...

but then again, he actually has to agree to all this first...which he hasnt...but I feel hopefull he is thinking about it. It is really hard to talk to him about all this Monique... it really is. I kinda just want him to say... Hey lets try this once or twice, and if doesnt work then lets do one IVF. That would BE MY ULTIMATE MASTER PLAN. But I know with him, I cant get to carried away, I litterlly have to go one month at a time with him.

gosh I wrote so much... and I ramble and ramble... I am sorry!!!

oh a nice side note though.... my friend from Boston who has had tons of fertlity treatments, has some left over vials of these hormones that she will let me have, if so that may help cut down the cost of the drugs for us this first cycle, if we go through with it...

I can say this with all my heart... next week may or may be a turning point in my TTC mission, I will either be moving on to IUI... OR be competly feeling at a lost and just praying for a miracle with back to trying it on my own with a 1% chance of conceiving I wish I had a crystal ball....it would come in handy right about now !!!

 

[so_anxious]

Ok, so I agree with you, girl. Spend the extra $275 for the IUI with the injectables. I’m sure most FS have payment plans as all this TTCing costs lots of money that not everyone has at any given moment, right. It sounds like your hubby is thinking about it, and I really think you should definitely do it, cause if you don’t, you may start resenting your hubby and that’s definitely not a good thing.

I like your ultimate master plan. Maybe what you should do is set aside a budget. Say, that you’ll willing to spend a total of $20K to get pregnant. I know it sounds kinda crude, but hey, we have to be realistic right? Anyhow, then figure out what $20K would include, 3 IUI’s and 1 IVF? You know what I mean. I guess that’s the project manager in me that’s speaking right now. Unless, you’re willing to spend anything to get pregnant, then forget the budget idea. I don’t know, that’s what my idea was. Tell your husband that there are thousands of hundreds of children these days that were conceived with the help of a FS. Can he tell the difference? Let’s just pray that you get a bfp this week!!

Anyhow, now for me... so if you look at my chart, I'm at 14dpo and still no AF, but still no BFP either. My temp dropped this morning and I got really depressed but AF still hasn't show up. Not sure what's going on, but I'm hoping my temp stays above the cover line or rises tomorrow morning. I'm also going to wait till Wednesday morning to test again unless AF shows up. That's the day I have my ultrasound so I'd like to know before I got for the appointment. I've had some totally bizarre symptoms this cycle. My hips have been hurting, one night while I was sleeping, I woke up and had a weird feeling in my uterus. It was a very strange feeling. My boobs are huge and hurt. I've been sneezing like crazy and have a runny nose. My cm has been watery, sticky and creamy. Also, I'm peeing every hour now, I even have to wake up and go several times during the night. I'm wondering if that's why I can't get a bfp. My urine is so diluated. I'm also contipated like crazy, have backaches and get cramps on and off. Oh yeah, I have leg/thigh pains too. I had initially thought it was my sickle cell, but the pain feels differnt. I mean this cycle is really good, I have some really good symptoms. I'm just waiting for that BFP now.

So, I guess we'll see what happens. As I'm typing this, I have hiccups now. Geez, what else can I get?

I'm praying really hard for the both of us to get our BFPs this week. Okie dokie.

We need to hang in there and take care of each other no matter what!! Right!!

 

[so_anxious]

AF arrived today and I'm so sad. First time ever had a 30 day cycle. Funny thing is that I'm still peeing every hour and my hip is killing me. Definitely something going on. I can't wait for my ultrasound. I was really hoping this was the month!!

 

[ttc1st_at_40]

ahhh POOOO Monique... I AM SOOOO SORRY...

I can tell you though, I am pretty certain I am not to far behind you to be honest, already feeling AFish pains, neasuea, boobs just today starting to get sore..and my temp dipped down the last 2 days...

you know what sucks... is the tricks our bodies play on us and kinda gets our hopes up...then bam AF every time...

wishing you lots of luck on your Dr visit tomorrow, hopefully they will be able to tell you something huh?

Still waiting myself for my Dr to get back to me to see what my progestrone levels this month were... to see if I really Ovulated on my own.

ps liked your master plan... and to be honest I was thinking the same way.... come up with a $amount and figure out what all we can do with that. Its really looking like I have been hearing that IVF is anywhere from $12K to $25 range. I plan on doing some calling around perhaps to see if I couild get some quotes over the phone, without a consultation. Not sure if places will do that or no. At this time though all the baby talk is kinda off limits with hubby... he is starting to get aggrevated... he said ok to start the injectables, but really really has not said he would do the IUI yet...and if I bring it up again soon... he very well may just blow a gasket!!

dont mean to be a "Debbie Downer" but Monique I am really getting a little PISSED off.... thought I'd let ya know

 

[so_anxious]

Hey Girl, I totally know what you mean. Are you pissed off with the hubby and/or this crappy TTCing thing we’ve got going on? I just wish we can cut all this middle crap out and just get pregnant already. What the hell!!!

You’re totally not a “Debbie Downer” cause I’m right there with you. We can both be downers then!! Your hubby needs to understand that IUI isn’t like an IVF. It’s not like their fertilizing the egg outside the uterus. I know you mentioned that he didn’t want a test tube baby, but I wouldn’t define IUI as test tube. What’s the problem with paying a couple hundred dollars for that? Ah, men!!! They drive women to drink!!

Anyhow, I didn’t realize that IVF could reach to $25K a cycle. That’s really expensive. I don’t mind the $12K, but more than that is a lot. I think if it comes to doing IVF, my hubby and I will wait till January 2012, that’s after we buy our new house. But in the mean time, we’ll try naturally till we see the FS which will be soon I hope and then I think we’d do IUI and then if I’m not pregnant by end of year, we’ll definitely start IVF. My ultrasound is tomorrow, but the doctor appointment isn’t till next week so I won’t get my results till then. Anyhow, I would assume that we discuss FS consultations at that appointment. The thing is that here in Canada, I think the waiting period is a little long to see Fertility Specialists…. Blah.

This is so depressing…. And to think my crazy SIL whose 41 has a kid and she’s the dumbest mother ever. The other day her comment to me was “I was born to breastfeed”. She said this as she was breastfeeding her 10 month old, which I believe will continue to breastfeed till she’s 5. Yeah, she’s a weirdo. Hey, I’m all for breastfeeding but not till the kid is 5 years old. Whatever.

So, you start the injectables this week or next week? When is AF due? My AF is super heavy this time… so I’m a little concerned right now.

Besides this crap, how’s everything else going? How’s work and do you have any plans this weekend?

I have a gift from our wedding registry that I have to pick up and then I’m going to get a haircut and then shopping. I’ve also decided to get back into shape again. I totally let myself go since the wedding and I need to get back into shape. Especially since we’re going to Miami in early April, so I’d like to be able to walk on the beach looking good!!

 

[ttc1st_at_40]

"Born to Breastfeed" WHHHHHAAAATTTT.... Who says that !!!!! WTH !!! That is just ridiculous!!!!

ok so U/S today then results next week... ok I get it... are they ok with doing an U/S during AF ?

as for your appointment next week... if you already know that there is some type of "waiting period" to be referred to a FS... If you feel the need to not want to wait... I suggest you tell your Dr "oh we have been trying for a year" who cares if you just got married... just say you've been trying for over a year, so there is no delay in getting referred... and then you wont have any prob getting in to see one when your ready...ya know what I mean?

ok so as for me... Dr called with my progestrone levels from last week and it was a 21... which is good means I ovualated, on my own. She did say however that she doesnt think my period will come for a week though with such high value there... i really think she is wrong, because I am starting some AF signs already... just starting all the crampy empty feeling down there... and my temp took another big dip down (but you know how I feel about FF... but this time I think it is right on unfortunately) I am expected AF to show either tomorrow or Friday, right on time... and once she is hear I start my injectables 2 days later.

Ok I did some calling around about IVFs... this one place I called looks like a IVF at this one place is 15K not too bad I thought. and included is that is... if you have extra embryos they will store them from up to 18 months frozen, then if you want to come back to get another IVF with the frozen then it is only another 4K . Sure there are risks with the Frozen, in alot of cases the embryos dont make it threw the thawing process, and you dont know that until a day before the IVF....

had another talk with hubby last night... he is ok with me starting the injectables, but he is just not sure if he wants to do IUI, he is sooooo old school Monique... he cant get past the idea about it not being "natural" and he said he cant discuss it with me any more because I dont understand. We kinda got in a little fight about it..... said he simply has not made up his mind if that is the way he wants to have children, and he can not discuss it with me, because I make him feel as thought he doesnt want children if I he doesnt do this. All I can say back to that is... No I didnt want to have to do IUI, it wasnt in my plan to even go see 1 damn Dr to be able to have baby, but I dont have a choice, I am now 40 and the Drs are saying that I really need to do this. He insists he was at the same Drs visit as me, and the Dr said the injectables on their own should increase my CM and help my lining so that we can just do timed intercourse, and he did not insisted we need the IUI, But my response to that was... on CD14 we have to do another post colital test, and if is confirmed that my CM is bad again, the next day they will want us to do a IUI, you need to let me know if you will do that or not, if not I dont want to waste a month of $1800 on meds, not to mention all the fees I will have to pay to the Dr and driving to the Drs every other day on a round trip of 1 1/2 hours, if you will not commit to the IUI. He sees my point... but is just really really struggling with the whole idea of it being unnatrual, and there is just really nothing I can say anymore at this point, he just needs to make the decision on his own I guess. I simply told him in closing... that Yes I do want kids, and at this point I will do ANYTHING to have them, because I KNOW in the end 5 years from now if I do not have children... I will NOT be okay with that. I just simply will not, and I dont look foward to any type of life with out them.

My one friend who didnt even want kids to begin with is now the mother of 2 and she still insists that she believes she would have a very fulfill life with a husband she loves and not having children. I DISAGREE whole heartidly... I do NOT feel that way.... I certainly LOVE my husband with all MY heart, but I will simply be HEARTBROKEN if I can not have children, and I really really believe it will destroy my marriage. I really do!!

and for some reason I just can not get that thought out of my head... I know I need to and think positive going into this next month...

as for this weekend... we have a big football game this Saturday... Our team has made it to the Play offs, my hubby will actually be at the game, and I am certain your hubby will prob be watching it. Pretty big game. I will watch it too with friends, but dont have tickets to the game.. they are very hard to come by... my hubby is lucky enough to get some through work, but then he has to take clients to the game with him . Anyway and then on Sunday we have my hubbys neices Sweet 16 birthday party... so I get to see all the in-laws..yippeee!!! each time I see them I try to keep an open mind... but as I mentioned before... talk about a big bunch of "Debbie Downers" Yikes!!!

oh and heres another one that is a punch in the gut... we went to my hubbys cousins wedding the 1st week in October...Bride 25 Groom 28... yep... they are pregnant... figures right!! whatever!!

 

[so_anxious]

So, just got back from my ultrasound, yeah it was pretty nasty. When I made the appointment, I had told them that I would have AF at the appointment and they said that it was ok. Anyhow, not to be gross or anything, but let’s just say it was a very messy experience. Especially when she had to do the vaginal one like 3 times. It took like an hour cause they were investigating everything especially the area that I have pain. Anyhow, I guess it’s all a waiting game till I see my dr on Wednesday. It’s funny they asked me if I was constipated and I was like, yeah, since Friday. Then they said, yeah, we can see that. Tee hee…

Anyhow, from what I remember my dr saying to me last time I went, was that after the ultrasound we may go straight to doing all the fertility testing, FSH, semen analysis, etc… All that stuff you said your doctor did. I’m assuming that she’ll refer me to a FS at the same time, since the waiting periods can be a little long. Whatever she says, I’m going to tell her that I want to go see an FS right now. The other thing is that she’s going to also tell me how good or bad my sickle cell is, cause she did 2 blood tests just around Christmas. I’m hoping that’s good too. So, I’m hoping the ultrasound went ok and I simply pulled a muscle or something. Wouldn’t that be grand!!

So, the $15K for IVF which includes embryo freezing sounds like a terrific deal. I’d be up for that. Oh yeah, I’m not sure if you mentioned it to me before, but is your hubby Catholic? I was watching Law & Order:SVU last night and they were talking about IVF and blah, blah, blah. Anyhow, they said that Catholics don’t believe in IVF. I didn’t even know that and I’m a Catholic and Anglican. Yeah, I was baptized about 4 times in my life. Long story!! I’m wondering if his beliefs are based on religion. I have to tell you that I totally agree with you and that if you’re going to spend a crap load of money on injectables, might as well do the IUI. I mean it’s the logical way to go, right? I also agree with you that if you don’t try everything you can to have kids, including IVF, you will resent your hubby and you will not have a happy life together. There is a difference between trying everything and not trying at all. So, I totally agree with you. Some people believe that they will react differently if they were in certain situations, but I’m living proof that you will never know how you will react unless you are in that situation. By living proof, I mean that I use to think that if my boyfriend/husband/fiancée were to cheat on me, that I would just leave them in a second and never talk to them. But when my ex did all those horrible things to me and I found out, I was still in love with him, and even though I wanted to bash his head in, I still wanted to talk to him too. You can’t turn off loving someone in one day. So, for your friend to say that she’d still be happy without kids, she would never know now, would she? She already has them. Anyhow, I digress.

So, football on Saturday, I didn’t even know that. I wonder if my hubby knows cause we have an appointment to go to the spa. I’m going to get a pedicure (my feet are jacked up) and he’s going to get a man’s pedicure. This is his second, the first time he went, he almost kicked the lady in the face cause she tickled him. I think the best part for him is the massaging of the calves and feet. Also, my hair needs a trim really badly. I have a gift certificate for $250 at one of those foo-foo spas, so I figured I’d use it now. After that, we’re going to have dinner in the same area. It should be fun.

Good luck with the in-laws. I haven’t bothered with mine in a while and I’m thrilled. Yippee!! Is the Sweet 16 party going to be huge? Gosh, I remember those days!!

Ok, and the 25 year old bride that’s pregnant, just makes me want to puke. I was listening to the news this morning on my way to work and all I heard were all kinds of celebrities are pregnant now. What the hell man!!!