Baby4MJ
TTC#1, 3 m/cs since 6/09
- Joined
- May 2, 2011
- Messages
- 119
- Reaction score
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Hi, ladies -
I'm sorry but this is going to be an entirely selfish post. If you're in a good mood, you may stop reading here so that I don't bring you down.
Yesterday June 6th marked the 3-year anniversary of my dad's death, which is always so hard for me, and today I don't feel much better-almost worse, actually. I miss him with every ounce of my soul.
Also, today is 9dpo and I'm still spotting. Temp also dropped this morning. There isn't a chance I'm pregnant, not a chance. I really thought this was going to be my month, hope against hope I truly did. I did everything I could this cycle, pulled out all the stops (soft cups, preseed) and BD'd more this one month than I think I have since DH and I first got married. I'm in the 4th and final month of my fertility acupuncture protocol, and I just don't know where to go or what to do next. The thought of starting the fertility treatment meds again terrifies me...remembering how physically and emotionally terrible the drugs made me feel, and all the RE appointments week after week and month after month with no success. Failed with the drugs, failed IUI, failed on my own, now what? IVF? The cost of IVF is staggering and like Dwrgi, I can't get my head wrapped around launching myself into that. It terrifies me. Also, DH and I thought we could earmark some money from the sale of our house for IVF, but my realtor just flaked on us as of Friday, so we have to postpone putting the house up for sale and begin all over again with a new realtor.
I feel desperate about running out of time. I looked in the mirror this morning and told myself (out loud, mind you) that I will never ever have a baby of my own. I tried to tell myself I'm OK with that, but I'm really not. I'm just not. I can see it in my DH's eyes, too, how much he wants this, and it is killing me that I can't manage to do this. Why can't I do this? Why won't my body cooperate? What is wrong with me?!? Is this really it for me? Childless and stuck in a horrible low-paying soul-crushing dead-end job for the rest of my life?...is this really it? I was hoping I had a greater purpose than this. I'm so very sad. This week is always hard for me, but I was hoping for that silver lining at the end of the week. Instead, the week's end will bring me AF and another BFN. I'm so sorry to whine on and on, Debbie Downer style, but I feel like I have no one else who truly understands what this is like, month after month, the way you all do. I haven't felt this low in awhile. I just feel so sad and a failure.
Thanks for listening (reading). xox
I'm sorry but this is going to be an entirely selfish post. If you're in a good mood, you may stop reading here so that I don't bring you down.
Yesterday June 6th marked the 3-year anniversary of my dad's death, which is always so hard for me, and today I don't feel much better-almost worse, actually. I miss him with every ounce of my soul.
Also, today is 9dpo and I'm still spotting. Temp also dropped this morning. There isn't a chance I'm pregnant, not a chance. I really thought this was going to be my month, hope against hope I truly did. I did everything I could this cycle, pulled out all the stops (soft cups, preseed) and BD'd more this one month than I think I have since DH and I first got married. I'm in the 4th and final month of my fertility acupuncture protocol, and I just don't know where to go or what to do next. The thought of starting the fertility treatment meds again terrifies me...remembering how physically and emotionally terrible the drugs made me feel, and all the RE appointments week after week and month after month with no success. Failed with the drugs, failed IUI, failed on my own, now what? IVF? The cost of IVF is staggering and like Dwrgi, I can't get my head wrapped around launching myself into that. It terrifies me. Also, DH and I thought we could earmark some money from the sale of our house for IVF, but my realtor just flaked on us as of Friday, so we have to postpone putting the house up for sale and begin all over again with a new realtor.
I feel desperate about running out of time. I looked in the mirror this morning and told myself (out loud, mind you) that I will never ever have a baby of my own. I tried to tell myself I'm OK with that, but I'm really not. I'm just not. I can see it in my DH's eyes, too, how much he wants this, and it is killing me that I can't manage to do this. Why can't I do this? Why won't my body cooperate? What is wrong with me?!? Is this really it for me? Childless and stuck in a horrible low-paying soul-crushing dead-end job for the rest of my life?...is this really it? I was hoping I had a greater purpose than this. I'm so very sad. This week is always hard for me, but I was hoping for that silver lining at the end of the week. Instead, the week's end will bring me AF and another BFN. I'm so sorry to whine on and on, Debbie Downer style, but I feel like I have no one else who truly understands what this is like, month after month, the way you all do. I haven't felt this low in awhile. I just feel so sad and a failure.
Thanks for listening (reading). xox