TTC 1st child 35+ (Please spoiler any PG news/announcements).

[purplelou]

Hi Ladies, I am quite new - but have been trying to read the entire thread (up to page 353 at the moment) I had to stop because I wanted to send bug Hugs to MJ and Padbrat, I do not know you two ladies but I am so sorry about what you are both going through, I know this doesn't help one bit, but it's all I know how to do

Purple xx

 

[Mommy's Angel]

Ladies, I am sorry, but you will need to take down your banners.

My babys heart had stopped beating.

I think I am going to leave you all now, though I will probably sneak in every now and then to see you all.

My Husband has told me as we looked at our 6th Angel that he cannot do this anymore and the pain is too much.

I am in for surgery tomorrow.

Lava, Skye, MA, HA, Missy, FM, Oven, Never, Ginger, Twinkle, Lynn, Butterfly, carole and all you other lovely ladies thank you for your never ending support. Your courage is inspirational and I wish I had more of it myself, but I cannot and will not make my Husband change his mind over this. He is not a quitter and neither am I, so I know when he holds me tight and says this is enough and no more he means it for the best for both of us.

May you all catch the luck I never had xx

Please forgive me in my own selfishness as I weep. You have strength dear friend. More than you know and I will continue to ask God to pick you up the hours you cannot bare to stand.

I know that at this time it's further from your mind, but in my own journey we have researched for 10 years and are still planning to adopt. If you both ever decide to go that route, please give me a pm and let me know if I can send you basic information and help in any way.

In the meantime, I'm SO sensitive to where you are and it's these moments I ask God Why?! I don't understand them and probably never will until the day I reach heaven. My only thought is that your journey will have a good one eventually even though things look bleak. In that journey your testimony will reach lots and lots of other women. It's in the grieving and healing process that you'll find your way and I pray we're still friends for me to watch it all blossom.

In the meantime, my prayer is for healing, physicially, emotionally and yes, spiritually as things like these test our faith more than anything. You are loved greatly by us and it hurts me to know your pain. I'm quite frustrated right now and have to pray on my own attitude as I watch a sister struggle. Love you dear friend. You will be in my prayers each night as you go through the surgery, recover and during the grieving and healing process.


Hugs for Baby4MJ. I don't know what to say that will make things better, I just wanted to share my love for you and pray for the journey ahead as you feel beaten up.

 

[lavalux]

Padbrat and Baby4MJ,
I had to leave work because I read your posts on my cell phone in the office and started crying. I am now at home on my computer. There is no way to make sense of this. I am so incredibly sad that you've had to suffer the pain of these many miscarriages along with life's other unfair losses. I wish I could take the pain away from you and shoulder it myself, but know that I am sharing your sadness. I understand what you mean, Deb, when you say that you will never find peace in being childless. I do hope that the pain lessens one day so that you can catch a healing breath b/c right now, both of you, probably feel like you are suffocating with heartbreak. Y'all are such amazing women and would make such wonderful mommies. I do hope that you do not give up that dream. I went to a women's retreat this Spring and talked to a number of ladies who had struggled with infertility and recurrent miscarriage. One took a break and finally had her baby through donor egg IVF. Another adopted a baby from China. They talked about how much they had suffered on the journey, but how ultimately they never lost their desire to be a mom and they didn't regret their decision to take an non-traditional path to get there even though they had been adamantly opposed to not having their own biological baby. I know that you all need a break from the Board. As supportive and compassionate as we all are on this thread -- and I really do feel like I've lucked out into a special sisterhood -- it is still a constant reminder of our communal desire to bring a baby into this world that we can love and hold. So, please know that I will keep praying for you and your families. I have never had a miscarriage and know only the intense fear of losing the baby that I am carrying now, but I have lost a loved one and I have experienced tragedy. I know that it takes awhile to grieve enough to begin healing. I pray that God wraps his arms around you and finds some way to comfort you. You have my love. Laura

 

[onmymind17]

Hello, everyone -

I'm here for a quick pop-in first off to say to padbrat...my heart is shattered for you. Absolutely shattered. I understand your and DH's decision, absolutely. After 3 miscarriages, I feel beaten, and you've suffered 6. It's so heartbreaking. If I could I would hug you and cry through that heartbreak with you, I would be right there with you doing so. Sometimes life is just too damn hard and just too damn unfair. This is a blistering example of that. I am so, so, so sorry. I hope someway, somehow you can find peace...and maybe find the strength to seek additional help, or find other ways for life to bring you joy. Love Love Love coming your way...

To the rest of you wonderful ladies, both veterans and newcomers - and please forgive me for not naming you each individually (know, however, that I have read all of your comments and hold each of you in my heart)...your sentiments and kind words and encouragement and understanding brought me to tears. June is such a dreadful month for me anyway, plus AF arrived today, which has not helped my emotions any. My dad died on June 6, 2008 and was buried June 13, 2008...DH and I had to travel 3 hours with his cremated remains to the burial in New York...my dad had given me a letter in Feb. 2008 with all instructions of what to do after his death, what he wanted to be buried with...and I was the one who stood at the edge of his open grave to place his remains and cherished items and pictures into that gaping hole...how he knew in February that he didn't have much time left, I haven't a clue. I never opened that letter until the day he died in the hospital, and it broke my heart into a thousand pieces. It was the night of my dad's funeral, June 13th, that my DH told me he wanted children with me. The emotion of this is too much to bear, but I thought that was the gift my dad was giving to me in his death...the turnaround of my DH, who previously didn't think he wanted children. It has been what I have been clinging onto, but 3 years later I think I have just been kidding myself all this time. I didn't want to accept the sheer devastation of my dad's leaving me, and focused on the joy a baby would bring. But I still don't have my dad and I still don't have my baby. And that is too much pain for me. I feel like I am wrapped and enclosed in this grief that I can't break free from. I think padbrat said it perfectly...I know I should be more grateful, because I know I am so very lucky to have my DH, which is more than a lot have....but also less than others.

So anyway, I didn't want you all to think your beauty inside and out has gone unnoticed by me. Big virtual arms are shooting out of this computer to wrap around each and every one of you. Thank you Thank you Thank you all. I will be gone for a little while, to get my head wrapped around what to do next. I've had a very hard life, from childhood, but I've always been a fighter, so deep in me somewhere I know I'll keep fighting. But I may just sit a few rounds out. I am praying for all your BFPs, FM I'm hoping you'll bring that BFP news back from San Fran...and Dwrgi, I hope I can find the same strength you have to move forward and fight.

I'll check back with you all soon...XOXOXOXO

Honey i know exactly how you feel, both with the losses and the loss of your dad. Please know that my arms are coming to you to wrap you in a warm loving hug. See for me i have finally given up, its just not worth it, i still want a baby so very badly, but i refuse to lose my life and everything i have to something that for me i guess was not ment to be. I have finally made peace with myself, at least as much peace as i can, i still feel the pain when i walk into a store and see a crib or baby clothes, but i have to shield myself from further pain. You will come back from this, you will take a couple months and regroup, and you will hold your little one one day. Your a strong beautiful woman, and i admire you, as i do all these beautiful ladies on here. I wish i could give you ladies some of the peace i have finally found, i wish i could make it better for you. I am like you honey, i miss my dad so very much, and its just not fair that he has 4 of my little ones up in heaven with him, while my arms are empty down here, thats why i have decided to just let it all go. I still chat with you ladies, but honestly i am not even trying anymore. All my love goes out to you ladies!!

 

[lavalux]

Chris,
What can I say? You're post makes me so sad. I am so sorry that you feel you have to give up and find peace with all of this. You are such a remarkable and sweet person, always encouraging all of us. I am glad you care for yourself enough to shield yourself from pain and I'm sure that your DH wants to protect you too. My mom got married at 38, had her first miscarriage at 39, and then two more (one late in her 2nd trimester), before having me 2 months shy of her 43 birthday. Please do not give up hope. Miracles do happen, but I know that there is a lot of heartbreak in life. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. There must be such a huge void where he used to be. I hope one day you two will be reunited in heaven and you can hold each other and just be in each other's presence. Until that time, know that he is watching down on you and wants the best for you ... I want the best for you as well. I know that we've never met, but my heart goes out to you!

 

[Macwooly]

Onmymind I don't know you but reading you post and how you have found a peace with your situation gives me hope that if my TTC journey does not go as I hope then I too may find peace some day

 

[twinkle1975]

I wish I could come & hug every one of you - I think we all need some hugs today

 

[bblve]

Padbrad, Baby4MJ & OMM -

Ladies, my heart aches so badly right now - I'm sorry, I wish I had words to console you. You might not see it now but you are an inspiration to us all here, your strength is amazing but you (as we all) are only human so take time for yourselves, rest up, do what you need....we will be here with love and support.

 

[NorthStar]

Padbrat & Baby4MJ, so sorry to hear of your losses, my heart goes out to you.

 

[Butterfly67]

Padbrad, Baby4MJ & OMM -

Ladies, my heart aches so badly right now - I'm sorry, I wish I had words to console you. You might not see it now but you are an inspiration to us all here, your strength is amazing but you (as we all) are only human so take time for yourselves, rest up, do what you need....we will be here with love and support.

I agree with bblve. With all 3 of you in such a bad place I just wish there was something I could do.

 

[labrat44]

Padbrat, Baby4MJ, and OMM, I'm upset, and sad, and sending you hugs!

 

[onmymind17]

Chris,
What can I say? You're post makes me so sad. I am so sorry that you feel you have to give up and find peace with all of this. You are such a remarkable and sweet person, always encouraging all of us. I am glad you care for yourself enough to shield yourself from pain and I'm sure that your DH wants to protect you too. My mom got married at 38, had her first miscarriage at 39, and then two more (one late in her 2nd trimester), before having me 2 months shy of her 43 birthday. Please do not give up hope. Miracles do happen, but I know that there is a lot of heartbreak in life. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. There must be such a huge void where he used to be. I hope one day you two will be reunited in heaven and you can hold each other and just be in each other's presence. Until that time, know that he is watching down on you and wants the best for you ... I want the best for you as well. I know that we've never met, but my heart goes out to you!

Oh honey please dont be sad, i am happier now that i have given it up than i was when i was TTC. You know a lot of women on here have never had a BFP, and i feel so bad for them, but i can also say that its even worse to get that BFP and have it taken away from you. Honestly having been through what i have, i almost wish i had never gotten a bfp at all. The hardest thing for me was when i got pg in october 09 and we could see the baby, it looked like a little gummy bear, we never did get to see a heartbeat, but that image will live forever in my mind, i so know the feeling that PadBrat is going through right now. I guess i just realized that i have so much to live for, i have a wonderful husband, and a loving fantastic dog, and a beautiful home (Ok its a little small, but its ours) and i have a wonderful loving family. I do believe in miracles, and yes one day i could suddenly see a bfp with a sticky bean, but for now i refuse to waste the life God has given me anymore. The one thing that i really wish is that i could help all you ladies on here, it just breaks my heart to not be able to do anything. And yes there is a huge void since my dad passed away, he was my idol, and its not fair that he was taken from me, but one day i will see him again, and i am going to run to him and give him the biggest hug ever!!! I had a dream of him, i was in a hole, and he was standing at the top of it, and he reached down his hand, and pulled me out, and he said "I am always here, i did not leave you" that made me feel so good, i know he is here watching over us. As much as i miss him, for my mom it was even worse, he was her heart and soul, they had been married for 45 years, so i try and devote myself to helping my mom as much as i can. So please dont be sad for me, this has been something that i have worked on in my head for a long time now. I guess what woke me up one day was when a question popped into my head, it was "Would you be happy if you had a baby, but lost your husband" and the answer was no, i would take my husband over having a child. It took me so long to find him, and he is my everything. The only thing i really feel bad about, is that he so wanted a baby, that bothers me, if i could i would give him one. Thank you so much for your kind words.

 

[onmymind17]

Onmymind I don't know you but reading you post and how you have found a peace with your situation gives me hope that if my TTC journey does not go as I hope then I too may find peace some day

I know you will find peace, your a strong lady, but i pray that you never have to go down that road.

 

[onmymind17]

Padbrad, Baby4MJ & OMM -

Ladies, my heart aches so badly right now - I'm sorry, I wish I had words to console you. You might not see it now but you are an inspiration to us all here, your strength is amazing but you (as we all) are only human so take time for yourselves, rest up, do what you need....we will be here with love and support.

I agree with bblve. With all 3 of you in such a bad place I just wish there was something I could do.

There is something you can do, be happy, and get a bfp!! LOL.

 

[onmymind17]

Ladies, i am truly ok, please send all your love and hugs to PadBrat, and Baby4MJ they really need our love and hugs. Me I have made my peace, and i now send on all my baby dust to you ladies!!! I am sorry, i did not mean to make you all sad, please smile for me!!! I am going to be right here cheering you all on, and one day you all will get your sticky beans!!!! Thank you all so much for all the love and support you have shown, you have no idea how much its appreciated.

 

[luvmydoggies]

Dear Padbrat-
I am so very sorry for your loss. I'm sending love and lots of to you. You are in my thoughts.

 

[bblve]

Padbrad, Baby4MJ & OMM -

Ladies, my heart aches so badly right now - I'm sorry, I wish I had words to console you. You might not see it now but you are an inspiration to us all here, your strength is amazing but you (as we all) are only human so take time for yourselves, rest up, do what you need....we will be here with love and support.

I agree with bblve. With all 3 of you in such a bad place I just wish there was something I could do.

There is something you can do, be happy, and get a bfp!! LOL.

OMM -
Trying my best to get that BFP!! I'm 13dpo today & BFN. It's my first time charting so I'm not really sure what to make of anything. All I know is that I'm keeping positive until AF shows up.

 

[Desperado167]

Dearest padbrat I am so so sorry huni,just want u to know that we are all praying for you and u are in my thoughts ,love and prayers for you and your dh,god bless,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[FutureMommie]

I'm here in San Francisco after a very long day yesterday and time zone changes! I log on to read a few post and my heart feel like it is in my throat!
Padrat words could never be enough to express how sorry I am. My heart aches for you. I totally understand the difficult decision that you and Dh have made, how much heartbreak can one withstand. Sometimes I think we forget that even though we are going through it physically our husbands have to watch and because they love us so they don't want to see us continuously devastated. I will just say that I hope you don't give up on your dreams of being parents however you decide to get there when the time is right for you. I know you will probably never find total peace without children but I hope that the healing will be swift. I know we have never met but I feel like I know you and I have never rooted for anyone so hard before in my life, and I'm not giving up on you! I'm still rooting for you! Take the break that you need I hope that you will pop in on us to let us know how you are. Love you my cyber friend!

Baby4MJ- your post made me emotional too! I can't imagine how you feel! And with all that you are feeling right now you still find it in you to cheer me on and hope for my bfp. What a wonderful mom you will be! You may have had a rough life nut you aren't a quitter! I believe that your dh changed his mind for a reason! You will be parents one day! You take all the time that you need. I hope you will pop in and let us know how you are!

Missyt- sending hugs your way too!

Afm- I'm on myphone so I will post more later. I haven't tested yet andnot really feeling anything but will keep you all posted.

 

[purplelou]

Onmymind - sending you a huge hug
this is such a hard thing to do and decide. I wish you peace and happiness xx

Purple