TTC After A Loss... Race for the BFP! - 211 BFP's!!!

[Megg33k]

wow Megg, thanks. I really appreciate the long post. Sorry if it made you cry. I guess right now I just don't know. My husband and I just talked about it and to me, I seem to have all these reasons not to conceive temporarily. I think I am just totally afraid of failing. I know most MC's are unexplained and have nothing to do with anything we did wrong, but it's really hard not to feel like if I didn't do something wrong my body did. Up until the MC all I wanted more than anything was to have a baby. It still is, but it's just clouded or blurred by my fear now that TTC is around the corner. I suppose I need to feel in control because when you are pregnant nothing that happens is in your control and choosing not to get pregnant is a choice, and therefore- control. Wow, holy psycho-analyzing myself. I think if my head were stuck in the loo while in Paris I'd be grateful for the opportunity to have my head stuck in a loo (and to do it in Paris no doubt!) We don't have a ton of money so this trip is a big deal and marks a sort of milestone of lasts if you know what I mean. One of the last big trips we'll be able to hopefully go on for awhile, so what's one more month? But there is no guarantee in life so waiting a month could mean adding on a month to many more. We were lucky and conceived after the 3rd cycle.... who's to say it would happen that fast again? AND if it didn't I'd feel like a failure, because so many people around me right now just got pregnant after not trying, or only trying one time. Now who's babbling and crying?
I am so glad I found this board.
I really truly don't know what to do. Bought tampons today, lol. That's as much as I know right now.
Thanks for your support. xo

I TOTALLY understand what you mean by choosing to not get pregnant yet is control. Don't think for a single second that you're the only one who has had those thoughts!!! I constantly feel like a failure. I fail to give my parents a grandchild, I fail to give my husband a child, I fail to give myself the one thing I want more than anything... I don't trust my body at all.

I think (the more I read your posts) you should wait it out this cycle. Go to Paris, enjoy yourself, and come back on a mission! Buying tampons is a good start!

...
In my experience... I've never considered waiting... not even for a single cycle. But, that's me. I've already lost my dream of having my 2 kids before I turn 30. I can't even give birth to 1 child before 30 now. That breaks my heart every day. I mourn the loss of that dream more than anything, because the circumstances of my losses made the pregnancies themselves very difficult for me to mourn. However, I can't bear the thought of voluntarily waiting any longer. I always think to myself... "But, what if this is the cycle that would result in a healthy pregnancy? What if I miss it? What if its my only chance?" I'm crying just typing it out... because I truly feel that way... every single time. I remember almost ditching the cycle when I got pregnant last time because of bad timing... but I couldn't because I thought "what if this is the one"... and it was... sort of. I've had all the joys of early pregnancy ripped away from me. I'll never be able to enjoy a BFP. I'm constantly just trying my damnedest to put myself even a millimeter closer to an ultrasound with a heartbeat! And, I know it can still go wrong... but I've never even gotten that far. My losses have sort of traumatized me. I can't even get to the table for my ultrasound without sobbing uncontrollably. But, I refuse to give up... I refuse to give in. Being a complete control freak... I can't let a single opportunity pass me by.

Isn't all of what you said there the truth. If only we could see into a crystal ball, or if someone could give us all the answers. I was talking to my mom this week (she was in town visiting) and I said exactly what you just did- all the joys of early pregnancy have been ripped away from me. She disagrees and has suffered a MC herself. But she was much younger, and the pregnancy was not wanted at the time.
If it makes you feel any better I am 35. My dreams of having a kid by 35 are gone... 36 anyone?

oh life..........................

*totally addicted to the smilies btw.

I would give ANYTHING to see the future for so many of us. I think losing an unwanted pregnancy is a whole different ball of wax. I mean, it probably feels more like a blessing in that case. I can't imagine the same level of trauma being involved when finding out you're pregnant was a trauma all in itself.

I always feel bad about "feeling old"... because I know I'm technically not... and neither are you, for that matter! But, I can't help but feel it sometimes. This isn't how my life was supposed to go. I decided years ago that I would choose to be childless if I didn't have kids by 30. Well... so much for that! LOL

Love your smilies! They make me smile!

Congrats to the new BFPs!

Thank you everyone for your encouraging responses! I will let you know how Thursday goes. The spotting has gotten better and I have just been taking it easy. I'm hoping it was just some old junk that needed to come out like one of the gals said. I also read somewhere that once hcg gets to about 6000 that it can take four days to double rather than the usual 2-3. I'm hoping that's the case and trying to think positive.

Megg-you are so right-so many women don't even have their hcg checked and I've heard that ultrasound results are usually more important at this stage than blood work. I'm thinking of asking my doc to quit with the blood work as long as things look as they should on the ultrasound. All of the numbers and specifics just leave me feeling worried, sometimes unnecessarily I'm sure.

Beautiful hats Heather. You are quite talented. I've always wanted to learn to knit.

Fishgirl-I am so sorry for your loss. That is my biggest fear-I just saw my baby's heart beat on Sunday and want to believe that means things will be ok but then I hear stories like yours and it just breaks my heart. I can only imagine what this has been like for you. Hugs. Glad to hear you are going to keep trying-it's all we can do! Hugs to all of the other recent losses.

Glad the spotting is better!!! I agree... When you see a heartbeat on the ultrasound, you should just see if you can stop the bloods. No need to worry yourself for no reason!

"I'll never be able to enjoy a BFP. I'm constantly just trying my damnedest to put myself even a millimeter closer to an ultrasound with a heartbeat! And, I know it can still go wrong... but I've never even gotten that far. My losses have sort of traumatized me. I can't even get to the table for my ultrasound without sobbing uncontrollably. But, I refuse to give up... I refuse to give in. Being a complete control freak... I can't let a single opportunity pass me by"

Megg-I really feel you on this one. It is so hard to enjoy early pregnancy because of the fear. I am happy to have gotten to see the heartbeat on the ultrasound, I never got that far with the first two losses either. But you're right, it is traumatic every time I get on the table for the ultrasound. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. I'm so afraid that when I go on Thursday that the heartbeat will be gone. That is my biggest fear. I have to tell myself that it's just my fear talking and it doesn't mean that is what is going to happen. I try to visualize seeing a big strong heartbeat. If it's going to go wrong, there is nothing I can do about it. All of this really does resemble PTSD in many ways.

I do hope that you get your BFP soon. You are such a beautiful and compassionate person and I'm really grateful for all of your (and all of the other fabulous ladies') support.

I don't even get the excitement... I think I will for future ultrasounds AFTER I see a heartbeat on one. But, until then, its all trauma for me. Its SO similar to PTSD. After you see the heartbeat, your chances of MC drops to like something around 15%.... something like that... maybe it was more like 8% or 3%... I (obviously) can't remember! But I'm sure everything is fine!

 

[impatient1]

HI, I just had a miscarriage on sunday...Its baby no four so I am lucky that I have 3 fab Girls but really want one more bubba...I saw the Heartbeat last week so feel knid of cheated...I am going striaght to trying and wont stop till I am pregnant again..Only postitve thoughts..!!!Any way fingers crossed for us all...x

So sorry for your loss.

Congrats to the new BFPs!

Thank you everyone for your encouraging responses! I will let you know how Thursday goes. The spotting has gotten better and I have just been taking it easy. I'm hoping it was just some old junk that needed to come out like one of the gals said. I also read somewhere that once hcg gets to about 6000 that it can take four days to double rather than the usual 2-3. I'm hoping that's the case and trying to think positive.

Megg-you are so right-so many women don't even have their hcg checked and I've heard that ultrasound results are usually more important at this stage than blood work. I'm thinking of asking my doc to quit with the blood work as long as things look as they should on the ultrasound. All of the numbers and specifics just leave me feeling worried, sometimes unnecessarily I'm sure.

I have never been told my HCG levels in either of my pregnancies thus far but not sure if that is typical for everyone around here or just my doctors. I do however thik I would og nuts over the constant worry of numbers, so kind of glad that I am not having them checked frequently.

 

[impatient1]

I read somewhere that it was decreased to 2% if the heartbeat was seen at 10 weeks, not entirely sure how true it is though.

 

[heather_dw]

I'm a little discouraged this week. I've been busy getting ready to move at the end of the week. Hubby is sick and not too helpful. On Saturday night, I started bleeding.. AGAIN! I'm still bleeding and today I passed this funky looking clot that was so gross. I don't want to be too gross on here, but it was ick. It started as what I THOUGHT was fertile CM but it just ended up being full on bleeding. Now I'm not sure what the heck to do in regards to my chart. The doctor says just to keep waiting and then she'll put me on clomid after another complete cycle, but I'm not sure if I'll even know when that is. I'm so confused. I can only go about a week or 2 of no bleeding before it starts up again. I ovulated at some point in this last month, since on the 19th, they said it look like I recently had ovulated.

I feel like if I can't get my cycle under control, how can I possibly TTC again. I had both of my miscarriages while living in this apartment. I'm hoping that moving is going to be a fresh start for hubby and I.

Also, I had a dream the night before the specialist appointment. My grandmother came to me and told me everything was going to be okay. I told her I didn't think it would ever work and she smiled and said "it will all work out, just you wait and see". I always dream about my grandparents, being at their house, etc, but I have NEVER had a direct conversation with either of them in a dream until now. I hope it's a message.. I hope it's true. I wasn't sure if I believed that kind of stuff, but I'm starting to change my mind after that dream. In the dream, I was laying on an exam table in some sort of medical setting and she just appeared. after talking to me, she said she had to go and couldn't stay. I could see her smile, hear her voice. I hope I never forget that dream.

I hope hope hope it's true. Even hubby, who is a skeptic sometimes, said it could be a message. When I asked him "I thought you didn't believe in that stuff?", he said "well, let's just say I'm OPEN to the idea".

 

[impatient1]

I think it sounds like a message to me and a great one, I say she knows something more than we do and she wants to comfort you and let you know. Wishing you all the best in your new move.

 

[Megg33k]

I would be apt to call it AF if it continues. I still think that you could have had a moderately proper LP after ovulating prior to the 19th.

Aww @ your dream about your grandmother. I had one about mine about a month ago. It was a first for me too. I loved it! But, I still cry when I think about it.

I also love that your OH is "open to the idea"... The men are juts as hopeful as we are... Its cute!

for feeling the way you do right now! You'll totally get there. Your body just might need a tiny bit more time!

 

[heather_dw]

hubby was saying that it would be cool if we conceived on vacation. We're going to the beaches of the Outer Banks, North Carolina and we love it there! We're going at the end of September (or we're SUPPOSED to), so I hope that the cycle is behaving itself by then. Of course, if we did conceive, it would be funny and awkward when we told the in-laws. They're renting the beach house we'll all be staying in.

 

[Tulip]

You girls... I've just woken up and read the thread and burst into tears. You have no idea how hard I'm cheerleading for you lot right now Your strength and determination never cease to amaze me xxx

Oh yeah I meant to tell you about Chimpette she's joined my Spring Babies xxx

 

[sequeena]

Hi my MC was in June 2009 and I'm hoping to confirm a BFP very soon!

 

[Lynsay]

Hello, I had a MMC in June I should have been 13 weeks + 3 days. Bleeding started on June 30th and I'm hoping for a BFP very soon xx

 

[Megg33k]

Hey, girls... I'll update in the morning... very sleepy here! to the new losses!

Didn't mean to make you cry, NiK! Thank you, flower!

 

[debgreasby]

Happy birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee lol

 

[Tulip]

Woooooooooooooooooooh happy birthday Debmeister! xxxxxx

 

[cla]

happy birthday hun

 

[TripleB]

99! Just..one...more... (screw that, lot's more!) Congrats to the new BFPs and to recent losses. If you think about how far we've come since this forum started it's really amazing (thanks for all you hard work Megg ).

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEBS!

xxxx

 

[C&J]

Hello ladies, well it looks like im going to be 100 I got a bfp this morning after my m/c a month ago. Just had a gut feeling this month that we had done it, very scared but excited at the same time.

 

[Megg33k]

Happy Birthday, Preggo-Debbo!

Hello ladies, well it looks like im going to be 100 I got a bfp this morning after my m/c a month ago. Just had a gut feeling this month that we had done it, very scared but excited at the same time.

CONGRATS! Very exciting to have #100!!!

99! Just..one...more... (screw that, lot's more!) Congrats to the new BFPs and to recent losses. If you think about how far we've come since this forum started it's really amazing (thanks for all you hard work Megg ).

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEBS!

xxxx

Well, we got that one more already! LOL Maybe we'll get one every time you say it? SAY IT AGAIN!!!

We really have come a looooooooooooong way! Thank you!

 

[Tulip]

Congratulations C&J! And I echo the thanks to Megg - you are a very special lady

 

[Firedancer41]

Congrats C & J!! And we hit #100 woohoo!!! I can remember not all that long ago when the number was in the 40's. I know this number is going to continue to climb high!!

 

[cla]

Omg 100